


Splintered

by daxcat79



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Borderline Personality Disorder, Canon-Typical Violence, Dream Sex, Dream Sharing, Emotional Sex, Eventual Redemption, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Grief/Mourning, Memory Loss, Mind probing, Misuse of the Force, Oral Sex, Resolved Sexual Tension, Romance, Sith/Jedi History, The Dark Side of the Force, The Light Side of the Force, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Visions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-11-03 17:02:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 138,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10971555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daxcat79/pseuds/daxcat79
Summary: Murdering his own father has left Kylo Ren splintered into two personalities representing darkness (Kylo Ren) and light (Ben Solo).  Rey’s strange bond with him has her caught in the middle, struggling with conflicting feelings of her own.





	1. “I Keep My Visions to Myself, It’s Only Me”

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve taken elements of this story from several different places in Star Wars lore including Mara Jade Skywalker’s storyline, Darth Nihilus, and even more from Darth Revan. I really wanted to dig deep into the differences between the dark side and the light, Kylo Ren's own abilities with both, and my personal theory for how all this ends for Snoke. Each chapter is inspired by certain songs, so consider this a bit of a playlist too. Some of these songs are pure Reylo….

**“ Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions  
I keep my visions to myself, it's only me  
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and,  
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?  
Dreams of loneliness,  
Like a heartbeat, drives you mad  
In the stillness of remembering, what you had,  
And what you lost and what you had and what you lost” – Fleetwood Mac ‘Dreams’**

“Breathe… just breathe.”

Her lungs filled with the cool sea air that whipped against her face. Salt permeated her senses, cleansing and comforting. Her eyes slipped closed, muscles pliant, and the world slowed down. She could hear the exhale, releasing fears and doubts into the ocean.

“Now… reach out.”

_The world falls away from her, as if pulled out with the tide. She feels weightless. Her physical form grows numb, not even a tingle in this world she is drifting towards. Her mind is all that’s left of her now. It feels like accelerating to lightspeed when she finally reaches out, searching for something, hoping something finds her._

“What do you see?”

 _She sees into infinity. Space. Expanding and unending. Stars shine and blur with brilliance she can’t describe._ “Light,” she answered. _The blackness fills up the spaces where the light cannot. A contrast she’s never understood, but always admired._ “Darkness.” _What would the sun look like without the dark? The darkness only makes the sun more brilliant, shine brighter. They are linked. Inevitably dependent on each other, and so beautiful for it._ “A balance.”

“It’s so much bigger,” _he promises, the words echoing around her like the wind. It astounds her. She’s pulled in, lost, found, and waiting to see whatever lies beyond. Her body returns to her. She can feel her hand touch the smooth rock underneath her. Still weightless. She drops out of lightspeed and falls into the black._

_Rey opens her eyes. Luke Skywalker is gone. She is alone. She stands up, at the edge of a cliff that opens out into the raging waters beyond. She can hear the crash of water against rock, but everything feels different. Not quite real. “Hello?” she calls into the waters, as if expecting the ocean to respond._

_“Sweetheart….”_

_The voice is soft and sudden, and she whips around in search for the owner. Her eyes rove over dark rock, damp from the weather and the sea. The green moss and spotted rock lay just beyond. A contrast so similar to the stars, she wonders if it’s on purpose or just coincidence. Skywalker is nowhere. “Where are you?” she calls._

_Her eyes close, and when they open she gasps and jumps back. It’s the wrong thing to do, and she feels her feet hit the edge of the cliff. She almost falls back, but hands reach out to steady her. She is frozen. Eyes wide. Her heart is beating so fast, and she can’t catch her breath. It’s him. Kylo Ren._

_He steps forward. His hands drift up her arms, caressing smooth skin as they drag towards her face. He cups her cheeks. The scar across his eye makes him look broken, but his eyes are soft and as black as night. His lips curl into a smile as his neck drops low. His breath mingles with hers. She is frozen. She is drifting. He won’t let her go. “Don’t be afraid. I feel it too….”_

_When his lips touch hers, she falls. Falls backwards. Falls down. Waiting to meet a watery grave that never comes._

Rey’s hand slammed against the rock, gasping and wheezing in shock. Her eyes were wide when she finally looked up at Luke. He was standing before her and successfully blocking out the sun from her gaze. It was too real. Terrifying to think of. She felt raw and unsettled, she was damaged, though not a bone had slammed against the rocks below in her vision. What was that? It was all too familiar. This was not her first time seeing him. She hung her head low as he slowly crouched in front of her. “I’m sorry… sorry.”

“What did you see, Rey?” His voice was calm and patient, quiet and unassuming. She was still having trouble catching her breath, but his presence was already doing wonders for her mental state. She just wished she had an answer to give him. 

She shook her head. “I… I can’t,” she practically sobbed.

The Jedi Master leaned forward, using his hand of flesh to touch her chin and lift her face. His eyes roved back and forth over hers, eyebrows wrinkled with something like worry. Finally, he let her go and moved away. “We’re done for the day. You need rest.”

He was walking away from her. She felt like a failure. Did he know? It wasn’t as if he couldn’t touch her mind and take what he wanted. Kylo Ren had. She had. Rey had felt no intrusion, but Luke was a subtle man. He’d lived alone too long. He’d come to crave the silence. Forcing herself to breathe, Rey pushed up and onto her feet. He hadn’t gone far, and she was quick to follow his careful steps. Some of the rocks could be slippery, and the climb was much more difficult than it looked. Her muscles strained as she pulled herself up. “Master Luke… wait!”

He didn’t respond. It frustrated her how much he held back from her. He spoke in riddles, saying just enough for her to progress. It was infuriating. She’d lost patience with him several times. Forever cautious. Forever careful. It was as if she’d taken on Kylo Ren’s sins, and the burden was making her stumble. Luke didn’t trust her. He was weary of her. She didn’t know how to make him listen.

Rey’s foot slipped on a rock, but she managed to catch herself. She was almost at the top of the large hill where he’d built his home. The small thatch-roof cottage was hidden in the rock. It was built to keep out the damp, and resist the strong winds from the ocean. Rough rock decorated the outside, as if it’d been pulled from the ground below, an extension of it’s environment. Her hands were frozen and numb by the time she dragged herself up from the steep pathway that led to Luke’s home. He was already inside, but he’d left the door open. She darted across towards his home and shut the door behind her.

“I made rootleaf stew earlier. I’m sure you’re hungry by now.” Luke refused to look at her. He was focused on the large pot sitting over a warm fire. He stirred carefully, testing it out. If she’d blinked, she’d have missed the faint smile that touched his lips, mostly hidden under the scruff of his weathered beard. “Sit down, Rey.”

Rey hadn’t realized she’d just been standing at the door, staring. A cot sat farthest away from the small space, his bed. His kitchen was low tech, just a fire, grills, and heavy pots. Nearby that were two wooden chairs, polished to shine. She could see the rings clearly that hinted at the tree’s age before it’d been chopped down. She took a seat.

Was he angry with her? Disappointed? She couldn’t tell. Rey liked learning how to meditate, how to tap into the Force, but he’d warned her that not everything she’d see would be pleasant. Nothing he’d said could have prepared her for what she’d experienced since training. It wasn’t the first time Ren haunted her, and that’s what bothered her most. Kylo Ren was firmly placed in her head, like a thorn buried too deep to simply pull out. She could feel him, cutting further inside, helpless to stop him. Rey just didn’t know what to do about it. 

During their first training he’d told her that a Jedi did not hold onto anger. Anger was the path that led to the dark side. She had to be calm, at peace, allowing the Force to guide her. Emotions would cloud her judgement. Luke wasn’t there when she watched Han Solo die. He couldn’t possibly understand what that had done to her… what Kylo Ren had done to her. How was she supposed to let go of that?

Luke had poured the stew in two bowls, handing one to her. The spoon he gave her was thick, and coated with something. Underneath she was certain it was also carved from wood. “I hope I seasoned it well. It doesn’t always have the most pleasant taste.”

Rey dipped her spoon in, and blew at the steam that rose, leaning down as she took a small sip. It wasn’t bland, but she could tell it needed something. Probably salt. She didn’t complain. “It’s fine.” He nodded, tasting his own, ignoring the bits that were already collecting in his beard. They ate in silence, her eyes constantly lifting in the hopes of meeting his gaze. He still wouldn’t look at her. She wasn’t sure why it bothered her so much. “I’m sorry….”

“You have no reason to apologize.”

“It feels like I do.”

He kept his eyes firmly on the stew. “I know I tell you to trust your feelings, Rey… but maybe not always. Certainly not in this case.”

“You don’t even know my feelings!” she argued. Rey let out a breath, annoyed by her outburst, and her hands tightened around the handle of her spoon. “You don’t talk about him. You don’t talk about yourself. Why would you expect any different from me?”

Luke stilled, his eyes were examining the floor as if he were trying to memorize every imperfection in the wood. Those eyes moved from left to right several times before he reached out and got a second helping of his stew. “I used to be like you… once. I wanted the truth. I wanted answers to all my questions.”

“What happened?” she pressed, setting her own dinner aside.

He finally lifted his gaze to hers. “I _got_ them.” The fire in his eyes was more than she’d expected. The blue shined like emeralds cut and polished to be admired, but the stones were fractured and broken too. He was hurting, and wise; he’d earned his experience the hard way. Her arms wrapped around herself, suddenly uncomfortable in his presence.

She didn’t know very much about Skywalker or his family. Rey was aware that the family was powerful in the Force, and through Leia, Kylo Ren had that power. General Leia Organa was Luke Skywalker’s twin sister, Han Solo’s brother-in-law. It was an intimidating family, to say the least. A family of war heroes and masters of the Force. Ben Solo, now Kylo Ren, was a part of that… came from that. From his mind she recalled the pain and loneliness, and it turned her stomach sour. Rey couldn’t comprehend how everything had gone so wrong. There’d been whispers about the Skywalker legacy… but she hadn’t given them much thought. “In legends told on Jakku… they talk about Luke Skywalker, a man very noble and brave. In some stories you’re the man that took down the Emperor single-handedly.”

“Legends and stories are just another word for lies.”

“But they always come from some origin of truth,” she insisted.

Luke had finished his second helping of stew, and set down his bowl. He was finally focused on Rey, but she liked that even less. “I didn’t kill the Emperor.”

“Then who did?”

“My father.”

“Oh….” She’d never actually heard anything about Luke Skywalker’s father before. She bit her lip nervously, struggling against the curiosity that begged her to ask.

Luke leaned back in his own chair, hiding his hands in the large robes he liked to wear. They were worn and stained in places, edges had frayed from use. He said they felt comfortable and kept him warm. “I come from an infamous family, Rey. Ben came from a very dark beginning. His grandfather was a Jedi that fought in the Clone Wars, Anakin Skywalker. He married a politician, a very strong and brave woman, or so I’m told. My aunt and uncle gave me very little information about her. I have no memory of her face.” He paused in his story, as if the weight of his own words were too much. Rey waited patiently for him to collect his strength and move on. “Anakin Skywalker was destroyed much as Ben Solo. He became Darth Vader, a lord of the Sith.”

Rey could say nothing. She remembered the legacy of Darth Vader, a name from Kylo Ren’s mind. A deeply seeded fear that she’d plucked and used against him. His name burned the stars, and of course there wasn’t a soul that didn’t shiver at hearing it spoken. It hadn’t occurred to her, what his connection was to Kylo, but she should have known. Being a scavenger had its drawbacks, there was still so much about history that she didn’t know.

“I see him… in my dreams.”

“Darth Vader?” Luke questioned, though she could tell he was being purposefully obtuse.

“Kylo Ren.”

Luke’s eyes dropped to the floor again. It took her a moment to realize it was because he didn’t want her to see that pain that name inflicted on him. “In your visions too, I suspect.”

It was Rey’s turn to lower her eyes, more than willing to help him count the wood planks that made up his flooring. “It’s not what you think.”

“Tell me, please… what do I think, Rey?”

“My dreams aren’t about revenge. I wish they were. I’d feel better if they were. He… he killed his own father, and yet somehow I know it doesn’t matter.” She wouldn’t have been able to stop the tears even if she’d wanted to. “I saw him. Even from far away I could tell Han Solo was convincing him to come back with us. Then he killed him… I saw it happen. How do I ever forget that?”

“I can’t be sure… I’ve never been told… but I believe Darth Vader may have killed my mother. I… I don’t think he meant to, maybe it was just his actions that resulted in her death. He killed so many more. I could feel the dark side eating away at his soul. More machine than man. Twisted. Evil. I also felt his light. My father killed the Emperor because I refused to believe Anakin Skywalker was dead.”

“And you think Ben Solo can be saved the way Vader was?” She wanted to argue that Luke Skywalker was wrong this time. Not everyone could be saved. Her mind drifted to kind eyes that held her face like it was a masterpiece. She remembered the touch of soft lips against her own. It felt so real… not a dream, but a vision. A message from the Force. She’d been searching for answers, but Luke’s own answers, all those years ago, hadn’t done him any favors. What made her think that she would be any different?

Master Skywalker had reached for a towel to clean his face, and the particles of stew were carefully removed. “When you see Kylo Ren… do you feel his darkness or his light?”

She paused, thinking back to the mind she’d tentatively explored. “Both.”

“Then I suppose you have your answers.”

Rey only wished she was capable of accepting them.

*******

_When she opens her eyes, she’s lying down on a comfortable mattress. One arm is bent and tucked underneath her head. She’s lying on her right side, and she wonders how long before the position feels uncomfortable. Ben Solo mirrors her on the other side of the bed. He looks like he’s sleeping. She reaches out to trace the scar that cuts across his eye. It should ruin the beauty of his face, but it doesn’t, it makes him even more alluring. His eyes flutter open, lips curling into a warm and gentle smile. He’s so innocent, so untouched by darkness, but that scar is a reminder of something that’s never happened._

_He says nothing. With his right hand, he reaches out to curl around her hip, pulling her closer against him. She goes willingly, tasting his lips and enjoying how soft they feel against hers. He is unassuming, but so full of desire for her. When she pushes forward, he presses back. His mouth opens to her, hot and wet, so she can’t resist. She can feel his tongue slide against hers, wanting to explore, but he’s such a tease. He pulls away from her. “Rey,” he whispers, his right hand moves to cup her face, thumb tracing her cheek bones. His touch makes her ache, because it feels too perfect. So perfect, she knows it can’t be real._

_“What is this? Why won’t you leave me?”_

_He seems to understand, his head shifting forward on his pillow until their noses touch. “You know my secret. You’ll never be free of that.”_

_Gently she shook her head. “You want to be strong… like Vader was.”_

_“Rey, there’s more to me than that. My power, my desires, Snoke’s darkness covering over me like a shroud. That’s the surface. Go deeper,” he urges her. The way he spoke is rough, and it’s only until he presses hard against her that she realizes why._

_Her left hand reaches to touch the scar she gave him again. It feels like ownership, a branding of her spirit burned into his flesh. “Loneliness. Abandoned. You thought killing Han would make you strong, but you’ve never felt so weak. So wicked. The conflict inside you is getting worse, and you know if you don’t find balance… you won’t survive. Snoke says he can help… you think he’s wise.”_

_His eyes are so dark now. His hand drifts down her body to her hip, pulling her against him till she can feel how badly he wants her, needs her. She can hardly breathe. “Deeper,” he encourages. His voice… it makes her shiver._

_“You… miss him. You miss your mother. You miss me, and that doesn’t even make sense because I’m no one. You thought it would be easier without love or attachment, but now you just crave it even more.”_

_He lifts her up just a bit, his lips caress her neck. Rey tilts her head back, eyes fluttering, she tingles everywhere his lips touch her. “So close… Rey, don’t stop.”_

_Her hand slips into his hair, silky and soft against her fingers. Without her consciously realizing it, she’s sliding her leg over his hip. He’s solid against her. His tongue tracing down to her collarbone, and making her gasp. She’s shaking, strangely overwhelmed by him, but so desperate for more. “You felt me… a connection. I… frighten you, but you’re drawn to me anyway. You think you can conquer me, but there’s a part of you… a part of you that knows it’s me that will do the conquering.”_

_He growls against her, teeth scraping her tender flesh. His hips press into hers, and she can’t help wishing they weren’t fully dressed. “Perhaps we’ll conquer each other,” he offers with a faint laugh._

_It’s just a dream, but she agrees anyway. When his hand slips under the waistband of her pants she wonders if this battle of wills has already begun._

_“Wait….”_

Rey opened her eyes just as muscles start to clench. Her body was in overdrive, and even the sheets overwhelm sensitive skin. She was panting, sweating, and muscles spasm down below. Too much. It was just a little too much. Too real. She can’t endure it. Her mind had touched something dangerous in Kylo Ren. It was buried so deep, she doubted even _he_ was aware of it. Why couldn’t she forget? Why did it persist? Luke’s words from before just made her angry. She didn’t want to save him… she wanted him gone. When did forgiveness become a choice between the dark side and the light?

Her ears hummed, and the sudden release of endorphins did little for her calm. She pulled herself from the Falcon’s bunk and dressed quickly. She wanted to stop thinking for a while. She needed a distraction. To get Ben Solo out of her head. She kept it simple, some loose pants and a shirt loose enough to be comfortable. Her shoes were light and flexible, perfect for running. Rey was careful when she left the ship, worried she might wake up Chewbacca. For some reason he’d attached himself to her now that Han Solo was gone.

Rey ran out onto the island, ignoring the gentle sprinkles of rain. It was cold and damp, but it felt good to her overheated body. She felt like she was trying to outrun someone just behind her. Ben Solo’s ghost, his sparkling eyes, begging for her to save him from Kylo Ren. It wasn’t possible, and worse, it wasn’t even normal. What did she know of normal anyway? Her legs were starting to ache and resist. She pushed harder. It wasn’t the best terrain for running, but Rey was desperate. 

This island was like nothing she’d ever known before. It was the very opposite of what she’d grown up with. Dry and wet. Sun and constant shadow. Brown and green. It felt like a metaphor for her life. The Force begged for balance, but she didn’t understand what it wanted with _her_. What was she doing on this island? What did she really think she could accomplish? She would train with Master Luke, but then what? Face Kylo Ren again? Step into the darkness and kill her enemy? Were those her options? And what of Snoke? How could she possibly defeat him?

She felt like screaming, but she was out of breath. A cave blocked her path, forcing her to slow to a stop. She leaned against it, exhausted and no closer to understanding her destiny, if she even had one. She dreaded to think it involved Kylo Ren. 

Rey sighed as the rain began to pick up. She took refuge in the cave. The sounds echoed around her, soothing and strong, but it still wasn’t loud enough to drown out her dreams. Lying beside Ben Solo felt like the future. It felt like destiny, and she didn’t know how that was possible. The man she saw in her dreams was nothing like the person she’d faced in real life. Elements may have existed, but they were so deeply forgotten… that person might as well have been dead.

Her hair is tied up in three buns, pressed against the jagged rocks. They pull at her scalp, so she leaned forward. She tucked her legs under her, resting her chin on her knees. The chill in the air was making her skin grow goosebumps. She hadn’t really cried since Han Solo’s death. She hadn’t known him long, but it’d felt perfect… everything she could have dreamed of. She’d often imagined her own father being a pilot, always ready for a good adventure and maybe a little trouble. She’d wanted to impress him. Perhaps she had, after all, he’d offered her a job. No one had ever wanted her; Han Solo was the first one who did.

Maybe that’s why his death hurt so much. He wanted her. She felt like she belonged when she was with him. He was a hero and a smuggler, charming and grumpy at the same time. Rey wasn’t sure how it was possible, but Han Solo had this swagger that was cocky but meek. It was all bravado, but he kept his humility hidden like a weakness. It was an act, a brilliant show he displayed, so no one could see the cracks. She wondered if Ben Solo was doing the same.

Perhaps Kylo Ren was playing a part, a pretender. He was following all the steps, copying the moves of his grandfather, but knew deep down he was a pale imitation. He was trying to be someone he was not, and doing a damn good job of it, not that she was fooled. What he’d done was unforgivable, but she had a feeling Han Solo wouldn’t have held it against him. He was a father that desperately loved his son, right to the end. He didn’t seem so evil when he’d smiled in her dreams. In fact, he’d looked very much like his parents. Intense eyes like his mother, his father’s nose and smile, and hair that seemed to defy gravity… she wasn’t quite sure who’d given him that. Maybe his father. She’d never actually seen a picture of Han Solo in his youth.

The rain had stopped. Rey realized she wasn’t quite ready to return to the Falcon. Her body felt sore and tired. Even her eyes were too weak to keep themselves open. She was drifting back into the void, cold and emotionally wrecked. When she slept warm arms wrapped around her, with the usual tenderness. His voice soothing away the conflict of reality. _“I’m here, sweetheart….”_

**To Be Continued**


	2. “This Cold Reality”

**“ I gave my everything  
For all the wrong things  
In this cold reality I made  
This selfish war machine” – Coheed and Cambria ‘Dark Side of Me’**

“Take a deep breath… hold it there.”

Kylo Ren felt numb. The biting cold spread through his limbs, unaware of the fully functional heating system that should have kept him comfortable. The air in his lungs, spread through him slowly, and with the Force he could sustain himself for quite some time. His heart beat slowed, his chest growing tight. He felt like marble, lifeless, chiseled into a shape that would please his master best.

“Take hold of the presence standing before you. Make him feel as you feel.” 

The eyes staring back at him, they were terrified and weak. He sensed brittle bones and an empty stomach. A life of struggle and sacrifice, of submission and obedience. This enemy of the First Order was nothing more than a forgotten slave. He’d helped build Starkiller base with calloused hands, and so many collected scars. His eyes were hazel… Kylo wanted to remember them clearly. He wanted the slave’s fear to be burned into his soul. His own eyes narrowed as the middle aged man began to gasp, desperate for the air that was denied them both. Ren would survive it. The slave could not.

“The life-force is vital in keeping our physical form. In deep meditation you will be able to sense the life-force in others. This ability will give you power unmatched by the Jedi, not even Luke Skywalker will be strong enough to stand against you.”

He felt it like a spark, an electric charge. It was energy, pulsing and throbbing inside his target. With the air ripped from his lungs, Kylo was watching him go wild. It was strange how beings thrashed and fought just to keep that spark alive. Even with the most miserable of lives, this man was desperate for just one gasp of air in his lungs. He closed his eyes and envisioned the spark. It was barely functional, like a fading star, withering even now.

“Yes… his life-force. Very good. You see it. You can feel it’s flicker. Manipulate it. Make it stronger.”

Kylo knew of no way to feed the energy, other than to take from himself. With the Force he pushed a small portion of his strength into the weak slave. His skin, which was pale, seemed to brighten almost immediately. The need for air was not so desperate. Kylo felt the strain within himself. His body was shuddering, lungs nagging at him, feeling the pressure for release. The slave’s eyes looked darker now, his salt and peppered hair didn’t seem quite so thin. He was alive, more alive than he’d ever been before. Kylo’s strength was so much more than he deserved.

“Now, Kylo Ren… now I want you to see his life-force, and call it back to you. All of it. Take everything from him, strip him bare, till all that’s left is a lifeless husk.”

He did as his master asked. His gloved hand rose slow and steady, a lightning rod for the power inside the slave. The spark began to dim again. The thrashing for existence restarted, so much more desperate, but he was trapped in chains that could not be broken. He was defenseless against a power he didn’t comprehend. Kylo Ren took from him. The eyes turned grey. His hair became brittle, losing all color. Pale skin. Gasping for breath. Begging for mercy. Kylo Ren had none. The power drained from the slave, and Ren’s arm warmed with a pleasant burn as he took everything. He felt everything. A flicker, and he took that too… the last of his life. The spark died, filling Kylo with energy he’d not felt before. He saw children laughing, a woman covered in dirt and dust kissed his cheek. Her lips burned his skin, just below the scar across his eye. When the slave dropped dead, no more than ashes and bones, Kylo Ren finally took a breath.

“You learn quickly, my apprentice. You’re skills with the dark side are complete… for now.”

“Your wisdom has guided my steps,” Kylo Ren spoke. The words felt empty. His cheek still burned with memories. The slave had a family. He’d starved himself so they could eat. A wife. Two sons. They would never see their father again. He stole from them, without mercy, and without regret. The slave’s weak body had fueled him like food, given him power. It would not last. The question was, would he feel a hunger after this tasting? Kylo Ren felt numb all over again.

“Yet… I sense something in you Kylo Ren. A presence. Your heart dwells on the girl who defeated you.”

“She most-likely trains with Luke Skywalker now,” he confirmed. Kylo turned away from his victim, dropping his arm back down to his side. His eyes settled on his master, taking in the scars and wounds, ancient and mysterious. “She was resistant to my offer to teach her about the Force.”

“Do you believe she may still be turned, like the other Knights of Ren?” Snoke questioned, his voice faint as he spoke through the twisted scars on his face.

“I would prefer that, then having to kill her,” he admitted. He hadn’t stopped thinking about her for a single day, and especially not during his nights. His desires were… uncomfortable to dwell on, but he’d never been so eager to close his eyes.

“You feel her, even now.”

“She’s cold and wet, and growing strong in the Force.” The strange connection between them had not gone away or faded, as Ren had hoped. It remained constant since he’d interrogated her, minds mingling together. He’d lost control. She was so much more powerful than he would have expected. She was so determined to bring him down and destroy everything Snoke had built.

“Rest, Kylo Ren. Together we will use this connection of yours to find her. She and Luke Skywalker will not escape us.”

Kylo Ren bowed in respect to his master, and stepped over the dusty bones of the dead slave. His stomach recoiled, but he suppressed the disgust. The large dome where his master chose to train him led to a corridor only a few meters from his own residence on Ragnacta. Once he was no longer in his master’s presence he took deeper breaths. His pace quickened with each Stormtrooper he passed, ignoring anyone who dared acknowledge him. Finally, he reached his room and locked the door behind him. His stomach was persistent, and he was forced to empty it’s contents in the fresher nearby. He could still hear that slave’s children laughing. They would never laugh again. Their father was dead.

To kill was simple. A lightsaber thrust inside the body, cutting deep. A blaster wound aimed with precision. There was very little intimacy involved compared to what he’d done. What he’d experienced, stealing the life from another being, it felt like absorbing a person’s entire self. He could feel them die and be released into his veins. Nothing about it was natural.

Snoke had made him powerful. He could use the Force in ways Darth Vader never could, due to his injuries. His master had turned him into an unstoppable force. He’d never felt so much power within his grasp. Yet still, Kylo Ren felt… weakened. He felt distracted. He felt numb. The pain of his father’s death did nothing to connect him to the dark side. It sat like a stone upon his chest, unrelentingly brutal. Eventually, it would crush him. It’d already cut off his connection to the light. The balance Snoke was seeking to teach him felt like a hopeless lesson now. Darkness was all he had left.

Perhaps his master was pleased, but Kylo Ren was not. He wanted more, and instead he was left with less. Kylo cupped his hand under running water, taking a sip and cleaning out his mouth. The taste of vomit made his stomach tighten in threat of another bout of sickness. He spat out the water and stood straight, his eyes caught the mirror and his own reflection. The scar demanded his focus. Rey’s mark. Her brand. To the galaxy he belonged to Snoke, but he wasn’t so sure anymore. This connection between him and Rey weighed heavily on his mind.

In his dream her lips caressed the scared flesh. Only in his dreams did he seem to feel again. He was no longer himself. No longer Kylo Ren. In his dreams she always called him _Ben_. Without his consent, his own hand touched the scar. The memory of her kiss still stung like acid along the seams. He was tired. Snoke had told him to rest. He had no intention of disobeying his master.

*******

_He feels no anger here. Everything is quiet and calm. What is torn apart knits itself back together again, and he can barely see the seams no matter how hard he looks. Her presence is near him, always waiting for him in this place. She trusts him here. Kylo Ren is a whisper so deep inside his mind, like a dark legend he barely recalls. There is no loneliness, no emptiness, and he definitely does not feel numb._

_His eyes flutter when her arms snake around his bare torso, calloused hands sliding from his abdomen to his broad chest. He can feel her forehead against his spine, and his muscles tense and release. He wants her. He likes the way she touches him. He hasn’t been touched in a very, very long time. “I had a nightmare.” His eyes remain focus on the large window that overlooks the vastness of space. The stars are still and twinkling. He can almost see his reflection in the glare of the window, and he thinks he might just look happy._

_“Tell me,” she whispers against his back. The puff of air against his skin makes him shiver. His hands cover over hers, and he holds on tight._

_“A slave… he had a family. I felt the life-force drain from him, and into me. I liked it. His eyes were staring back at me, and I watched the light go out of them. Even in my victory, I couldn’t hold onto my supper. The dark side, my training, so much power… and yet I’m compelled to run to you.”_

_He knows why. Nothing is the same. The more he embraces the dark side, the weaker he feels. He is starved. Crumbling like rocks made brittle from the bitter wind. He wants to end this, but he can’t. He’s not even sure his heart still beats like normal. Is it really blood running through his veins? It feels more like tar. “You made this choice.” Her lips kiss his back, and he’s certain she’s kissing a freckle. She seems to like them._

_“Did I?” he questions in his confusion. “I confess… I’m not so sure.”_

_Some of the stars he’s been watching seem to fade and dim. One after another, until he wonders if there will be any light left. What is the point of darkness without the light? What is the point of Kylo Ren, if he’s as dead as the father he brutally killed? Just blowing in the wind like the dust of the slave he destroyed. “Regrets?”_

_“Questions. Snoke has taught me so much, honed my abilities. Since my conception I have been his for the taking. I am a puppet. I would gladly kill him and cut my strings, if such a thing were possible. Even Kylo Ren desires it. I wonder who I would be without him.”_

_“And us?” It hangs in the air between them. Something is happening to them both. A merging of souls. He’s not sure what’s real anymore. He’s not sure which reality he prefers. She is a dream and a shadow. The burdens of his sins carry no weight here. They do not belong to Ben Solo. Rey kisses every scar she gave him, wanting and eager. This Rey doesn’t exist, but he senses that she feels the same about him. He’s been split in two, one dark and one light. The dark side roams the galaxy, and the light side invades her dreams. Ben Solo turns in her arms, shuddering as she nips at his nipple. He leans down to capture her lips in a needy kiss._

_Teeth clash, tongues duel, and he loves how she gasps against his mouth. He wants to taste her. He wants to be inside of her. She already feels like she’s sunk deep inside of him. “Rey… there is no us until I can make myself whole.”_

_She knows. Something is wrong. His father died and he went numb. Ben Solo’s light switched off until Kylo Ren closed his eyes. He’s become a broken man. He doesn’t want to be broken for her. She deserves better than that. Ben leans down and grips her buttocks, lifting her up till her legs swing around his hips and lock on. Her kisses are almost as desperate as his own, grinding her hip bone against his crotch. She wants him. He wants her. He’s not strong enough to let her go completely._

_With her arms wrapped around his neck, pressing against him in earnest, he walks them towards the bed and forgets about the stars. He’s careful with her. Gentle. So different from the man who’d cruelly ripped the spark from a harmless slave, leaving behind a family in grief. Through the fabric of his pants, he strains against her. He’s not sure why they bother wearing clothes. He kisses the exposed flesh of her V-neck, and down the valley between her breasts, counting the scars that are visible in his head._

_His weight is heavy against her, but she doesn’t complain. When he pulls back she’s staring at him with dark eyes and a subtle sadness. She wants it to be real too, and when she wakes up she’s going to feel disgusted by that thought. He understands. None of this was ever supposed to happen. “Rey… I’m not sure I want to wake up.”_

_“Neither do I.”_

_“I can’t stop it,” he confesses. “I can’t stop myself.” There’s tears in his eyes. He’s shaking._

_She reaches up and touches the wet tears before they can fall, and Ben knows for a certainty he’s not alone. “You’re coming.”_

_She is not afraid. He admires her for it. “I won’t kill you… I promise. I… I couldn’t-”_

_“Shhhh… I know.”_

His eyes opened, and he was very aware of a tightness in his lounge wear. The loose-fitted material felt rough against his sensitive flesh. He never bothered to relieve himself when he’d wake up like this. It usually went away after a minute or two. Kylo Ren doesn’t move a muscle. He found himself thinking about his training, about the potential for more knowledge, things Snoke might be keeping from him. He wanted to learn it all. Every deep, dark secret. Snoke was wise. He knew Kylo would only use that knowledge against him eventually. The dark side knew nothing about loyalty or trust.

Ren took a deep breath, holding it within his lungs. He closed his eyes and reached out into the expanse of the galaxy, his mind curious and ravenous. He felt a hunger now. The slave’s strength, although meager, made him feel different. He wondered what it would feel like to touch Luke and drag the spark from within. How would it feel? How powerful would he become when he took Skywalker’s force-life? He ached to find out. Always so impatient, he supposed, but Snoke would not scold him for it.

The bed felt empty and cold. He wondered what it would be like if Rey laid beside him. She’d never approve, of course, not as he was now. She desired his weakness, his bitter rival that he’d thought was destroyed. She wanted tenderness and love. She touched him freely when he smiled _oh so_ sweetly at her. He wanted to hate her for it, but wasn’t he just as eager to sleep? Any touch, even the soft ones, felt better than nothing at all. He wondered what it would be like if Ben Solo rose from the grave. He missed the days when the light pulled at him. Kylo Ren was stronger with both. He just wanted balance. He wanted to be strong again.

*******

The bond between them would lead to Rey’s downfall. Kylo Ren opened his mind willingly to his master. Like predators they swarmed in their search, hungering for the knowledge. He did not resist. He’d warned her of what was coming. He could not stop it… not even if he wanted to. He held his breath, holding onto it, his body struggling to keep strong despite the strain. He closed his eyes at the urging of his master, together with their combine power, digging deep for the string from his mind connected to hers.

_She’s staring out into the ocean. It’s the island, he’s seen it before. Clouds rumble in the distance, storms too far off to be a threat. She is still, enjoying the breeze, breathing in it’s distinctive scent. Luke Skywalker is near, his eyes resting on her form as if studying a puzzle. He’s hidden at the mouth of a cave. It’s an island of rock and moss, green grass and sacred stones. In the distance sit the ancient graves of Jedi. Their primeval power infuse and swirl around Rey like an energy field. They protect her. She feeds off them. She searches for clarity. She knows he comes for her. He already told her so._

_Her hair is pulled up in three buns, exposing the back of her neck to his lustful stare. Snoke is watching, there beside him. He wants to taste her skin while their masters watch… both his and hers. It’s a rebellious thought, but Kylo’s dark side whole-heartedly approves. It is perhaps the only thing he and Ben Solo can agree on… they both want Rey._

_He enters her environment in the vision, but no one seems to notice him. He tests the grip of his boots as he climbs over slick rocks. He can almost feel the wind blow his hair. His clothes are thick and tight, keeping him warm in the chilly weather. Rey looks cold, but he can tell she’s being stubborn by not telling Luke. She’s from Jakku… a dessert planet. She’s still not used to the weather. Kylo Ren surveys the island as best he can. His exploration is limited to places Rey has already been. He sees a small cottage that must be Luke Skywalker’s. He sees the Falcon where Chewbacca is working, fixing minor wear and tear. He sees rocks, and more rocks… cliffs all around him, and an emerald green hill from constant rain._

_Rey turns around, and Kylo finds it strange when her gaze rests on him. “You see me?”_

_“I always see you.”_

_His heart is beating harder than usual, but he walks back towards her as casual as he can. Their bond goes both ways, and he finds it intriguing. It was horrifying at first, but now he enjoys how deep her eyes roam. No one will know him like Rey… not even the Supreme Leader. “For a change… I thought you might enjoy my company.”_

_She rolls her eyes, jaw set, and hands tightening into fists. “I prefer Ben Solo.”_

_Ben Solo is gentle and kind, but Kylo finds it distasteful. He knows she craves passion as well. Kylo can give her that. He presses in closer, invading her space. “Here we are… the island… so empty no one can hear you scream.”_

_She realizes from the cruel smile what he’s implying, and swallows hard. The tips of her ears have gone red with a blush. “Why? Why must you be like this?”_

_He slides behind her as she twists back towards the cliff’s edge. The patch of skin at the back of her neck still calls to him. “There’s so much I could teach you.”_

_“Master Luke has that covered, thanks.”_

_For a brief moment Kylo Ren is not numb. It feels good. His skin is protesting the tightly fitting clothes he wears. He’s so tired of barriers in between them. He wonders what she’d feel like flush against his skin. “He’s a bitter, old man. You’ll never reach your potential.”_

_“Stay away from me,” she growls, muscles tense, her breathing increases._

_“That’s not what you wanted when it was Ben Solo caressing your breasts,” he whispers against the shell of her ear. He doesn’t miss the way she shivers, and he knows it’s not from the cold. Ren has never felt so powerful. So alive._

_“He’s not you.”_

_He’s forgotten why he’s here. Snoke does nothing but watch. His master is fascinated by their interaction. It’s the first time he’s been blessed to see it. Kylo Ren must learn where Skywalker is hiding. He can’t forget his mission, but there’s other priorities he refuses to ignore. “Same face.”_

_“His mind is untainted.”_

_“His mind is mine!” Kylo roars. He grows tired of her games. He has her pinned between the cliffs and his body. She knows he won’t push her. No one else would ever be spared, but she is untouchable. He can take it no longer, his hands slip to her hip and pull her back against him. Her eyes close, but he can tell she’s fighting the response his body invokes. It’s biology. Chemical reactions. Her muscles strain between lust and morality. “You could be mine too,” he moans against her._

_“I’d rather jump off this cliff,” she retorts angrily, stiff and unyielding. Kylo wonders if it’s her feelings for Ben that restrain her from fighting back._

_“And if I was Ben Solo? What would you do?”_

_He can’t help noticing the tears in her eyes. “You already know.”_

_His right hand slides from her hip, trailing up her spine and he closes his eyes. He searches for what he came for. She still does not fight him. “I’m coming,” he promises._

_“I know.”_

_“I would never kill you.”_

_“You’ll never get the chance.”_

Kylo opened his eyes, glancing up at his master who seemed to approve of his methods. The map burned inside his mind from his connection with Rey. He’d gotten what he wanted. She’d given it to him freely. Perhaps he would have smiled, but the numbness settled in and surrounded him. He was only alive in the company of Rey. “I know where she is….”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As far as I know, the Force ability Snoke is teaching Kylo Ren has only really been used by a Sith called Darth Nihilus. I thought it was an interesting and deeply horrifying ability to put in Kylo's hands. The idea behind it was that to defeat Luke Skywalker he'd need special abilities that his uncle couldn't really fight against. Basically Snoke is trying to make him a trained killer and the ability is actually very important later in the story. I tried to make Kylo equal parts dark, but still bound by certain moral standards even if he ignores them. Anyway, thanks so much for the comments and kudos! Please keep them coming!


	3. “Highest Fall You’ll Ever Grace”

**“ Standing on the cliff face  
Highest fall you'll ever grace  
It scares me half to death  
Look out to the future  
But it tells you nothing  
So take another breath  
Your hands protect the flames  
From the wild winds around you” – Bastille ‘Icarus’**

A week after arriving to Ahch-To, Luke Skywalker had shown her a part of the island that felt like the stuff of nightmares. Not surprisingly, Master Luke was being especially mysterious that morning as he’d led the climb towards a cave that loomed in the shadows of the small cliff east of his cottage. The sun was completely blocked out by angry clouds, and she should have known that wasn’t a good sign for things to come. It took nearly an hour in the bitter rain, shivering and soaked to the bone despite her poncho. It didn’t help that the dark depths of the ancient cave made her bones turn to ice. For a girl raised in the deserts of Jakku, Rey was starting to wonder if she’d ever retain feeling in her limbs again.

They reached the top and Luke stood along the edge, gesturing for her to go inside. She hesitated at the entrance, peering in curiously. _‘What’s in there?’_

_‘Only what you take with you,’_ was his response, cryptic as ever. The faint curl of his lips told her he’d probably heard it himself once. It was hard to picture him in her situation. She couldn’t stop wondering what sort of Jedi Master he’d had as a teacher.

Rey remembered taking off her poncho, hand nervously touching the hilt of her lightsaber before she entered the cave. The further she went inside, it became clear this cave held secrets. Like the inside of Kylo Ren’s mind, she felt the dark side bleeding around her. The ragged rocks of the cave wall whispered to her like sirens desperate for a crash. The air was stale and suffocating. She’d continued on anyway, knowing there was something Luke wanted her to see, to experience. It didn’t take long.

She saw the silver glint of his mask first. He walked towards her with a passive swagger. Rey froze, but it wasn’t his powers holding her in place; however neither was it fear that gripped her at Kylo’s presence. There was something about the way he moved that was languid and patient, so non-threatening despite the menace inspired by his mask. His weapon was hooked to his belt, but he made no reach for it. He was non-threatening, and instinctively she knew this was just part of a vision. He couldn’t really be there in the cave. She’d decided to stand her ground, surprised when he continued to come, invading her space until he was so close she could smell him. He smelled like metal, sweat, and smoke.

The worst part was waiting to see what he would do. This was supposed to mean something to her, but all she could think about was how close he was standing. She tried to ignore how rapidly her heart was beating, and the way her lungs couldn’t seem to fill with enough oxygen. He lifted his hand carefully, head tilted to the side when he touched her face, as if he was trying to comprehend who she was to him. Sometimes she could still feel that gloved hand sliding from her brow to her chin. It was a gentle touch, not at all what she was expecting. Her breathing had slowed when he touched her, but Rey’s heart couldn’t settle on a regular beat. Without thinking, Rey had reached out towards him, clasping the edges of his mask. It released its hold on Kylo, and she lifted it off. The mask fell from her hands with a piercing echo. All she saw were those eyes, like the blackness of space with a light shining so brightly, she had to wonder how she ever missed it before.

What happened next would be burned into her memories forever. _‘Kill him,’_ an eerie voice had whispered from deep inside the cave. A lightsaber activated, and Rey jumped back just as the red light pierced Kylo’s chest from behind. She remembered screaming. Watching him reach for her, one last caress. The scene was so much like when it’d been his weapon burning through Han Solo, a twisted kind of vengeance that left her feeling empty. Kylo fell to his knees, and when she looked to see who had killed him… she saw herself. This Rey of the dark was smiling wickedly as Ren crumpled to the ground in between them. 

She’d recoiled at the scene before her in disbelief. Watching this woman with _her_ face, take pleasure in the kill. Her eyes flashed yellow, with tattoos of ancient symbols on her wrist, neck, and belly. Black leather hugged her curves in the most revealing manner, mostly just straps to cover her chest, and arm guards that looked like they’d endured several battles. Rey wasn’t sure what possessed her to drop down, cupping Kylo’s face in her hands as his eyes fluttered. He died with her name on his lips. It was just a vision. That’s what she’d told herself over and over again. When the doppelganger’s saber rose to strike her down, forcing her to pull out her own. Their blades clashed. Rey used a Force push to send the dark apparition against the wall. Staggering away towards the exit.

She nearly jumped the cliff when Luke reached out to stop her. He’d gripped her face so hard, assuring her that she was safe. Rey remembered crying, haunted by the sight of Kylo Ren’s eyes holding hers when he died. Master Luke held her for such a long time. _‘Learn from this moment, and let it guide you on your path, Rey. Never forget it.’_ That was the night Ben Solo first came to her in her dreams. He’d touched her face like Kylo Ren had, no gloves this time, just calloused fingertips. Nothing was ever the same. In the days that followed, Luke Skywalker trained her in the ways of the Force, and her nights were spent drawing ever closer to Ben.

*******

Rey and Luke Skywalker had always known Kylo Ren would come for her. Her training was not complete, but that wasn’t the point. She’d already faced and conquered so much. It was her master who taught her balance, taught her the light, but the logistics were unnecessary. In a way, Kylo Ren really had been her teacher. One glimpse inside his mind and her understanding of the Force had increased ten-fold. Her understanding of how to handle a lightsaber, how to use the Force, it was given to her by her enemy without his consent. It gave her a measure of pride to think of how she’d used his knowledge against him.

While standing at the cliff that oversaw the ocean, she’d felt Kylo Ren the minute he’d connected to her. There was also another presence hidden in the darkness… watching with ancient eyes. Kylo’s master. The idea of Snoke invading her mind was horrific, so much more than what she shared with Ren. There was no denying Kylo was not the worst of this galaxy. He was a product of something grotesque and manipulative. Evil did exist in the world, and as far as Luke and Leia were concerned, its name was Snoke. One day she would have to face that, just as Skywalker had been forced to face the Emperor. She shuddered at the thought, and could only hope she wouldn’t have to face that test alone.

“He’s coming.” She tried to keep the nervousness out of her voice, but she was certain Luke would see right past her facade. Rey simply wasn’t that brave, nor did she have any right to be. Skywalker had told her from the beginning that her training would take her to some fear-inspiring places. He was usually right about these things. She hadn’t stopped being afraid since she left Jakku.

“The winds are changing. We should go inside.” She could hear Master Luke step away from the cave, walking back towards his cottage.

Rey turned around, puzzled, and rushed after him. “Did you hear what I said? Kylo Ren, he knows where you are!”

Skywalker began the climb towards his home without hurry or stress. He was exasperatingly calm. So much horror in his eyes, and yet facing Kylo Ren again, it did nothing to change his disposition. Rey couldn’t comprehend this legendary hero she’d idolized. He was nothing like the person she’d envisioned in her mind. He was a contradiction, broken and fixed, sad and content. He was so full of insights, held such a unique perspective, but insisted he knew nothing about the Force. “You will find that your enemies are always coming, Rey. They are always on the hunt.”

Rey followed him up the steep hill, wiping away the stain of mud and moss on her tan colored pants. She wasn’t sure why she’d done it. She’d never get the stain out. “What do we do?”

“We will do what we must,” he answered, opening the door to his home and walking inside. Rey followed without an invitation.

“What must _I_ do? I’m not sure I’m ready to face him again,” she confessed. How could she explain the apprehension she felt? Her dreams of a man long dead haunted her with warm smiles and tender kisses. It was hard to look at Kylo and not see Ben. He was inside Ren somewhere, and that changed everything. If Ben Solo could be salvaged, was she really capable of killing him for the greater good? Her memories of her vision lingered with a haunting warning, and she wanted no part of that future. She didn’t want to become the very evil she was striving to destroy. “I’m not sure I can be the one to kill him.” 

Luke turned back towards her, and Rey felt like he was looking for something. She diverted her gaze with a blush, terrified he’d know how she spent her nights. Telling Skywalker she dreamed of Ben Solo was one thing, but she hadn’t revealed the details. How could she tell her master about the way Ben caressed her skin and body? How could she tell him she’d developed an attachment to a fantasy, while the reality only ever wanted the galaxy to burn? Those nights shared between her and Ben began innocent enough, but the intimacy of souls led to so much more, and naturally she’d been unable to resist his affections. 

Master Skywalker sighed, and he looked like he’d aged several years in those moments. “It’s not Kylo Ren that you’re afraid of facing. It’s yourself… the person you saw in the cave. You fear what you will become if you kill him.”

It hit a little too close to the mark, and she was starting to feel defensive. “He may not give me a choice! He’s a threat.”

“No,” Luke shook his head. “He’s no threat to you. He never was. I knew Darth Vader could never kill me. There were times I began to doubt, but he proved me right in the end.” Master Luke’s eyes were staring through her, as if he knew everything. He could see every secret, even the ones she refused to reveal to herself. “Your destinies intertwine, Rey.”

Rey was stunned by his words. Horrified by them. It didn’t matter that she knew it too, could feel their connection like a string from her heart to his. She wasn’t ready to believe that. Whatever she shared with Ben Solo in the nights, it didn’t matter once daylight came. That’s where it ended. It could never be anything more than that. “No I… he’s a murderer. I could never forget what he’s done,” she maintained, weakly.

Luke’s hands reached out to touch her shoulders. One was made of metal and rust (covered over by a single brown glove), and the other made of bone and flesh. His eyes were sympathetic. She couldn’t stand to see it, but she couldn’t look away. “You said you wanted answers. You’ve been asking for them since the day you began you’re training. Answers are different for everyone, and not always easy to accept. You and Ben are the future, but you cannot follow my path. Rey, you must listen,” he insisted firmly. “I only know one truth… it's time for the Jedi to end.”

She shook her head, disturbed by the way Luke was talking. “You… you can’t meant that. I came here to train, to learn from you! What was the point of it? Why teach me about the Force, how to fight?” She didn’t want to listen, but she was begging to understand. What he was telling her cut deep, making her bleed tears, and Han Solo was dying all over again with his words.

There was a hesitation before he answered, as if weighing whether she deserved the truth. “Rey, the first time I saw you… you were not holding my lightsaber on the cliffs of Ahch-To. You were in a dream. You were fully formed, this magnificent thing gleaming in the darkness, and it was my nephew standing beside you. When you came to me, I was waiting for you.” 

Luke’s eyes took in hers before he pulled her into his arms and held her. She came willingly. Something violent was crawling out from her gut, something soul crushing. It felt like fear, but it was so much worse. The path set before her was filled with visions and dreams, but intertwined with a darkness that unsettled her. The Jedi were pure and noble. Who would she become in the absence of all that? 

“Watching Ben’s downfall was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Not simply because I was losing my nephew, but because I knew he was right. All my efforts to resurrect the past… a past that should have remained in the ashes. I wanted to hold onto something that the Force had let go of. It’s time had passed, needed to pass away, and I couldn’t accept it. It failed before, and it would fail again. There was no balance in that way of life. The Force would not allow it.” Luke pulled away from her, grasping her face and compelling her to look at him again. She could barely see through the swell of fresh tears. “Something new has been born. Something better. I sensed it the moment you came to me. You… you were meant to embrace the unknown. You were meant to rediscover what it means to be one with the Force.”

She still didn’t understand. Luke could obviously tell as he pulled away from her completely. His lips were pressed in a frown as he turned towards his cot, lifting it up and away with ease to reveal a part of the wood floor that she’d never seen. A large square had been cut into the stained wood plaques, with a knotted rope in the middle. “Luke?” she questioned. Her hands rubbed at red eyes, clearing away the wetness from her face. She watched him reveal the hidden passage underneath.

“I must show you something.” The steps were made of the same rock that was in the hill. Brown stone, peppered with white splotches; which made it difficult for her to see the edges of each step in the dim light. Luke’s own steps echoed in the small space hidden below his cottage. She followed him, wishing for a torch as the darkness prevailed the longer they continued. On the last step, she was engulfed in the black. Not even her eyes could adjust in the absence of any light. The air was damp and cold like everything else, with a strange musk she wasn’t familiar with, but Luke had identified as mold or mildew from the humidity in the air.

“Master? What… what is this?” Rey asked, arms wrapping around herself. She shivered.

“When I came here I was feeling… so lost.” Luke’s voice reverberated against the rocks. It felt far away. She didn’t know where to walk. She couldn’t follow him. “I was searching for clarity, I suppose. I wanted to know where I went wrong. I’d failed Ben, failed Han and Leia. I was supposed to protect their son, not lead him down the path to darkness. The guilt ate at me. All my hopes for the future gone in an instant. Rey, the world was ending and I needed to understand why.”

A flashlight turned on, blinding Rey for a moment before it was lowered. Her eyes followed the light to a part of the walls not made of stone or stalagmite. The roots of a tree dug deep and large, several feet in length. The spiraled elegantly, like pillars along the cave, smooth and well fed. There was a shelf connected to these roots, the wood blended in as if it belonged, being absorbed and integrated into the living wall. Books? Her eyebrows wrinkled in confusion as she stepped forward towards the ancient writings that sat on the lone shelf, paper and pen… so archaic. “This is what you found?”

Luke was standing beside her now, urging her forward, and encouraging her to investigate. One of the books was already opened. His gloved palm pressed into a symbol at the corner of one of the pages. The book was old, like any moment it would dissolve from molestation of any kind. “A great master in the Force once told me that this galaxy will always crave a balance. For thousands of years war has raged in one place after another. Everything is torn apart. Healed. Torn apart again. An endless cycle.”

“The balance… how can it be restored?” The words inside the book were written in a language she did not know. Only a few stood out to her. Je’daii. Luke had mentioned it before.

“In the light, there is a darkness and in the darkness, a light. It is the way with us all.” Luke’s voice was quiet. The inflection of his voice made it seem like he was quoting something, possibly reading from the very book he was showing her. “Ben Solo was born to both the light and the dark. He couldn’t find balance. I tried to help him, to guide him, but I only ended up pushing him further and further away.”

Rey lifted her eyes towards the darkness, just barely making out Luke Skywalker’s face. “Your nephew… he’s been split in half. Torn apart like this galaxy.”

She could hear him swallow in the silence. He shifted closer to her. Her eyes were finally starting to adjust with the help of the flashlight which was illuminating the ancient text. “It isn’t the Force that’s out of balance, Rey. It’s us. We all need to find the balance… including Ben.”

All Rey could think about was the cave. The man in the mask that had not attacked her, but reached out his hand in peace. That was just a vision. This time it would be different. “Kylo Ren is coming, Luke.” He would not be coming to make peace.

Luke nodded. “Let him come.”

*******

The lightsaber felt heavy in her hands. The weight was perfect, but her hand didn’t seem capable of gripping it right. It had chosen her when she’d called, rejecting the blood relative of his original owner. It was old, but polished like new. Handed down from one generation of Jedi to the next. It was a symbol to her, of everything behind and ahead. It was her protector. It was her life. Without it, she never would have become a survivor. Without her weapon, she never would have seen just how strong she truly was. The lesson was well learned, and she would not forget it.

Rey held the burden, endured its weight, and she knew it would protect her again. She trusted in the Force, in Luke, and even the promise Ben Solo had made. This was not how her life would end. In the distance she could see the dark figures. They’d sent Chewbacca away to a hidden part of the island to keep him and the Falcon safe. The kind and lonely Wookie had wanted to help, but this wasn’t his fight.

The lightsaber seemed to vibrate in her hands. The low buzz filled her ears, drowning out the crash of angry waves against the cliff. The ocean was a tempest, violent and uneasy. A splash of salt water sprayed up like a warning of the chaos soon to follow. Three dark figures, as angry and volatile as the sea. She focused on what Luke Skywalker had taught her since she’d come here to Ahch-To. She’d learned so much, and there was still more to understand, but it was enough for now. It was enough for what they were facing.

Kylo Ren kept his pace, but his knights were eager to show their power. They ran ahead at full speed. One for her and one for Luke. In the blink of an eye she felt the sparks rain down from their sabers. Blade against blade. Red against blue. Her master beside her, just as powerful as the legends would say. Rey didn’t fight alone. Master and apprentice. They would win this battle, and one day the war. She had to believe that.

The knight standing before her was a shadow. A black cloak hid away exposed flesh, but there was a gap between his sleeve and his gloves, revealing a sliver of pale skin… an unnatural white. His hood hid away most of his red curls, and a mask covered the rest, but she could see his eyes. Green eyes with a golden shine that made them all the more dynamic. The black belt clung low around his waist, now emptied of the red lightsaber. It was double-bladed, and spinning with a circular rim. She’d never seen anything like it before.

She directed the flow of power, opposing his own, deflecting his attacks with the grace Luke had taught her. She was weary of his counter-attack, the blades spinning so quickly, only the Force allowed her to see and anticipate the motion. The knight did not speak. He did not make threats. The ferocity in which he attacked her spoke volumes, promised intent to kill that Kylo surely wouldn’t approve of. In the distance she could see him. He was hanging behind… watching. What was he waiting for? 

Beside her, Luke was making quick work of his own opponent. The knight was no match for a grand master Jedi, so strongly connected to the Force. Skywalker was decisive and quick. He handled his own lightsaber as if it were a part of him, an extended appendage. His footwork was neat and fast, sending the young woman to the ground several times. Rey was astounded by his skill, even as she showcased her own.

Her hair hung down her back, flowing with her movements, and she found she didn’t miss the buns. She liked the way the wind blew through to her scalp, but never in her eyes. As if her hair realized she needed her vision clear. The duel was intense, frightening, and exhilarating at the same time. She knocked the saber from her opponents hands but it flew right back in a spin that forced her to flip out of it’s path. Luke’s saber ran through the woman struggling to keep up, and just as quickly as she died… Kylo was there to cross Skywalker’s blade. Nephew and uncle. She feared for Skywalker. She feared for Ben.

She was running and dodging the knight’s attacks. Sweat made her clothes cling, her chest ached in a struggle to breathe. When she’d fought Kylo Ren before, he’d been wounded severely, and still their struggle had been difficult. She’d learned much since then. Technique, style, stance, and position. Learning how to fight was like learning how to dance. There were certain steps that could not be forgotten. One slip up. One mistake… and it was over. She could lose a limb, lose her life, and Luke Skywalker would be alone in this battle. She could not fail him.

Rey had to target the circular rim. She just needed an opening. Damage the rim, and she’d have her opportunity to end him. The knight didn’t make it easy. He had her pinned, low to the ground, using sheer strength to overpower her. She was struggling to keep up, and she was getting sloppy. She grunted as he pressed into her like a savage. He never made a sound. His moves were effortless. His form was unforgiving. He was raw anger as he shoved her down. She rolled before his blade could strike her, scrambling to get up and used her speedy recovery to shove the tip of her blade through the circular rim. His lightsaber could no longer spin. It was stuck. It was damaged. His focus was broken, and she removed his hands with a flick of her wrist. She was certain she would never forget his scream.

Her opponent collapsed to the rocky ground, on his knees, stunned by his defeat. Rey took a moment to breathe, but her rest was short-lived as she realized she hadn’t heard anything more from Kylo and Luke. She surveyed the area where they’d made their stand. It was far from Luke’s home, with grass and rock decorating the flat surface. Several meters away, the sea battered the nearby cliff. Luke Skywalker was pressed against the cave where she’d once fallen asleep during a rainstorm. Kylo’s lightsaber pressed into Luke’s, a shock of emerald green and fiery red, but that wasn’t nearly as disturbing as the eyes of her master. Even from far away she could see them begin to dim. Somehow he was fading. He shuddered, barely breathing, staring at his nephew, and grunting in pain.

He looked weak. The great Luke Skywalker looked pale and tired. Rey couldn’t watch it again. She refused to relive the tragedy of losing another mentor. “Noooo!” she screamed loudly, her voice seemed to still the winds, as if her sheer panic was stronger than the forces of nature. Instinct took over her body like a switch, and she flung her hands out towards Kylo Ren. It was sudden and powerful. It was harnessed by emotion and loss. It came from a darkness within, full of pain and loss. In shock, she watched Kylo jerk away from Luke and fly. He disappears from her sight as he drops over the cliff. His lightsaber crashed to the ground without him.

Rey didn’t know if she’d killed Kylo Ren. In those moments she didn’t care. She rushed over towards Luke Skywalker just as he dropped to the ground. He was breathing, panting, and clearly in shock. “Luke? Can you hear me?!”

Luke turned towards her. She cradled his head. His arms were limp at his side. His lightsaber had dropped nearby, forgotten. “I felt… drained… his hunger,” he gasped. He wasn’t making any sense. She couldn’t comprehend what she’d witnessed. She didn’t know what Kylo Ren was doing, but she’d known Luke was dying. She could feel him fading away.

“I sent him over the cliff… Kylo Ren… oh Luke, I’m so sorry.” She really was. Rey held Luke closer to her, silently begging him not to hate her. She’d killed Han Solo’s son. It was over. She shuddered to think what dreams would follow, or how empty and broken she would feel when the shock wore off. “Master Luke… forgive me.” She was asking for Luke’s forgiveness, because she knew she’d never forgive herself.

*******

“What happened?”

Luke Skywalker was resting in his cot. She’d made some soup and bread to help him renew his strength. He’d lost time, but not much, barely an hour. Rey dragged his limp body back to his cottage with Chewbacca’s help. The knight she’d injured had taken some sort of pill hidden in his mouth. Suicide. Perhaps he’d felt it would be more honorable than being her prisoner. _There is no death, there is only the Force._

Chewbacca had gone off to bury him near the ancient plots of fallen Jedi, along with the woman Luke had fought. R2-D2 was using his sensors to make sure Kylo Ren was truly dead. There’d been blood on a nearby ledge, but no body yet. She couldn’t sense him. It was jarring. Her mind was throbbing from his loss, like a gash to her head.

She watched her master sit up in the small cot, and she handed him the food she’d made. “Eat. You passed out soon after Kylo Ren fell from the cliff side. He almost killed you.”

Skywalker took the food without protest, staring at the loaf for a moment, deep in thought. “I could feel him reaching out. He was draining away my life-force. He’s grown far more powerful than I anticipated. Snoke’s completed his training. Have you found his body?”

Rey shook her head, swallowing down the lump in her throat. She refused to cry for the man that killed Han Solo… not if she could help it. Why was this so hard? Why did she feel like she’d watched Han die all over again? That was just it, though, in a way he had. Ben Solo was his only son, that flicker of light in the darkness of Kylo Ren. “He just… disappeared. I… I can’t imagine he survived that fall.” Her vision was blurring. She couldn’t break down like this. All she could think about was Ben.

“Hey,” Luke spoke softly, pulling her attention back to him. He hadn’t touched his food. “I’ve survived far worse.”

Every feeling she had told her Kylo Ren was gone. It was specific. Not dead. Gone. Although her mind found nothing in the void, no connection, not even a fading spark; she still had R2-D2 search. Her eyes had searched for a visible body along the rocks from up top, but it was difficult to see, and she hadn’t had the chance to actually climb down. Master Luke needed her attention. “Snoke will send more knights… or Stormtroopers.”

“One day at a time, Rey. One second after the next.” 

Luke looked worried for her. She shook her head and glanced down at his meal. “You need to eat. Whatever Kylo did to you… it made you very weak.” 

Her master gave her a comforting smile. He focused on his meal, carefully slurping his soup. His beard collected anything that didn’t make it to his mouth. He was such a mess. She’d almost lost him today. He’d almost lost her. It was getting late, but she didn’t want to return to the Falcon. If Kylo Ren had survived, she feared he might return and finish what he started. She couldn’t let that happen. Rey couldn’t lose someone else. The wound was tender and fresh. She wouldn’t survive another loss. She belonged at Luke Skywalker’s side, his apprentice and protector.

She’d waited all her life for someone that never came. She refused to be alone anymore. Rey refused to live in loneliness and silence for the rest of her life. She hated the solitude, was desperate to leave it behind completely. So she watched her master eat, and her lips curled into a weak smile. “Luke?”

“Yes, Rey?” He was focused on his meal. He seemed to like what she’d made for him.

“I’m really glad you’re okay.”

He paused, finally turning his head to look at her again. He didn’t say anything. He simply rested his food in his lap and dropped a hand over hers, which was gripping the edge of his cot. The touch was reassuring. Rey took his hand for a second, giving it a gentle squeeze. She couldn’t help feeling that this is what it was like to have a family. It felt good, but somehow it didn’t feel like enough. There was an empty pit in her stomach, and she felt sick. If Ben Solo really was dead she knew she’d never forgive herself. It’d all gone so wrong and-

_‘Help me… please…’_

Rey’s eyes widened. Her body recoiled as an overwhelming presence sucked the air straight from her lungs. She slipped off the chair, tipping it over as she fell, head throbbing as she cried out. Luke was shouting her name, his soup forgotten, but his voice sounded miles away. Her body was like a livewire, picking up all sorts of pain signals that she knew were not her own. Suddenly, the dull aching of her head made sense as she realized it was _him_. Rey felt him. She felt everything. It wasn’t possible, but she knew. “Ben… Ben’s alive!”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter dips into the lore of the Je'daii who believed in using both the dark side and the light with balance. The ancient text would have disintegrated if it was written by the Je'daii themselves, but I personally believe there have always been some who follow the ways of their teachings. It makes sense that some of that knowledge has survived and been passed down through the thousands of years.
> 
> The darkside cave is, of course, similar to the one Luke entered on Dagobah, a wound of dark side energy.
> 
> As always, I really hope you enjoyed the chapter, it was a little longer than the other two because it was such an important set up to what happens moving forward. Please comment and leave kudos. It's always encouraging to know someone is reading! :)


	4. “Forget the World”

**“If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me  
And just forget the world?  
Forget what we're told  
Before we get too old  
Show me a garden  
That's bursting into life” – Snow Patrol ‘Chasing Cars’**

“Help me… please….”

He was drowning. The rush of water pulled him from the low ledge soon after he awoke. The ocean filled his lungs with a fiery sting, like being possessed, inside and out. His body was eager to reject it with a cough. The salt burned his eyes, and limited his vision. The cold seeped into his body till it was difficult to move. He could barely feel his limbs thrashing under the surface. The temptation to let go was strong, but something urged him not to. He wasn’t done yet. Despite the throbbing ache of his head, he lifted his head up just enough to collect air. Another wave crashed against him, and he grunted as the pressure shoved him against the rocks, tearing at his broken body. He cried out. Feeling frenzied, as his hands reached over the water for purchase. His mind in survival mode. Heavy clothing weighed him down and snagged against the rocky edge of the cliff. Another wave. Drowning. He just needed to breathe. Lift his head and breathe. He surfaced again. Straining to find sanctuary, resisting the pull of the current. Panic. He is losing this fight.

A rock, just a few feet from the cliff and low enough to climb. It was sheer luck that he noticed it. He was too weak to do anything but hold on. He clung to it like a child to its mother, desperate and terrified of the world squeezing in on him. Another wave. Unrelenting. His lungs were screaming, invaded and struggling to function. So cold and wet. It was all he knew. He was coughing so violently, trying to expel the fluid from his lungs, but more just kept coming in. So tired. He could barely see. The ocean entered him without mercy, stinging his sinuses, ripping the little air he had left. He never let go. He couldn’t let go. More waves. His hair clung to his face. His nails dug deep, and he ignored the sharp pain slicing at his fingertips. Pure instinct. Survival. Another wave. He just barely held on. His body was floating along with the tide even as he resisted the pull.

He wasn’t sure how long he could fight the waters that demanded his life. Exhaustion would overtake him. So confused. He awoke from the blackness like a blank slate. No idea what was happening or why. His eyes fluttered, whimpering as movement just made the pain in his head worse. Another wave, but he’d managed to hold his breath. It crashed against him. He hugged the rock, his only lifeline. His fingers continued to dig deep until they bled. He refused to die. The waters relented. His nature won out. Conquering the waves. He refused to die.

Reaching out, he tried to pull himself up higher on the rock. His muscles protested. His body screamed. He was panting. So weak. The jagged rocks cut at him, salt stinging each wound. He did not give up. He did not stop. He’d fought off the waves and he would conquer the rock. He managed to pull the top half of his body onto his lifeline and collapsed. It was all he could do. His legs floated off the sides, damaged and useless, but his grip was strong now. The water couldn’t take him like this. He was panting and gasping. Tucking his head down when water crashed over him, briefly submerged into the waves. Everything hurt.

Where was he? What happened to him? He didn’t know. Just a blank slate. Empty. A gaping hole where the knowledge should be. He understood the ocean, the rocks, the sky, these names came easy to him. His name… he had one. What was it? Who was he? Where was he? The world was fading again. His eyes fluttered. So tired. So worn out. Everything was spinning. 

Lost. Fading to black. The ocean rammed against him, desperate to pull him back, to take him and his breath. The monsters lurking in the sea, waiting for his return so they could pull him down to the depths of their domain. The salt continued to sting. His lungs were on fire, fluid still in his chest. Where was he? What happened to him? Who was he? He didn’t understand. The world was fading fast. He was going to die on this rock. The ocean would swallow him up. He’d fought for nothing. Lost. He was drowning.

*******

He drifted back to consciousness much easier the second time around. Instead of the bitter crashing of waves against his broken body, he was met with a woman’s face. She didn’t notice him at first, focused on cleaning a gash on his left shoulder. The piece of cloth in her hand stained red with his blood. He didn’t move, couldn’t move, his nerves wired and sending pain signals from every single limb. Even his hair seemed to throb. It took a minute for her to realize she had an audience in her work, and she immediately stilled, her hand hanging between them. Her hair was tucked behind her ears and draped over each shoulder. She was biting at her lip till it turned a darker shade of pink. He took in her strong cheekbones, the curve of her face, and was struck in awe by the color of her eyes. They were dark, maybe green and brown? Or perhaps gray, he wasn’t sure in the low lighting. Either way, it was difficult to focus on anything else.

“You’re awake.” She lowered the hand between them. Her voice was distinctive and sharp. Her jaw clenched, and he got the feeling she wasn’t pleased.

“Am I dead?”

“One would think, but no,” she responded with a certain coldness he didn’t understand. Was she angry at him? Had he done something to offend her? Were they already acquainted? He certainly hoped she knew him, especially since he didn’t know himself. She dropped the cloth in her hand, the rag floating in a bucket of warm water stained red. Her eyebrows wrinkled. “I sensed you. R2-D2 was able to lock on to your location. I didn’t believe you could survive that fall. Luke knew. Somehow he knew even when I doubted.”

She knew him. He couldn’t move. Everything hurt. Even the blanket on his skin felt like torture. Her words meant very little to him. He didn’t know what an R2-D2 was. He didn’t know who Luke was. All he knew was her face. Those eyes, her lips, the faint freckles that looked like they’d disappear completely if he touched her face. “Won’t you at least tell me your name?” he pushed, trying not to wince because even talking was painful. She looked strong. His savior. She’d pulled him from his watery grave. Names of certain things came easily to him. Blankets, water, rag, injured, but somehow he’d forgotten what he called her. Who was this girl? _Girl, what girl?_

Her eyes were wide, and getting wider. She looked shaken. “Rey,” she answered. “I’m Rey.”

She knew him. Rey. This mesmerizing creature, his savior, and she had a name. A wonderful name. What was his? “Rey… that’s a beautiful name,” he rumbled, wheezing just a bit. “Thank you for saving my life.”

He was upsetting her somehow. Was it because he couldn’t remember? Were they lovers? Friends? Family? He felt a pull or tug inside his mind. Words like ‘destiny’ drifted in the black. She meant something to him. Connection. He felt her. “What… what do you remember?” she asked, her words carefully spoken as if she couldn’t quite commit to the question.

His eyes pulled away from hers and he tried to look around. He couldn’t see much. He was lying in a small cot. It wasn’t comfortable, but it was certainly more forgiving than the rock he’d clung to in an effort to avoid death. Above him were dark wooden beams and white plaster. A contrast of dark and light. The small corner of space did not have windows, but there were several shelves with books, ancient relics, and even some sort of weapon. What had she asked? Memories. He had so few. All he remembered was the water. “Drowning.”

“And before that?” she pushed.

He closed his eyes. He imagined a box. It held all the things he wanted to know. It was locked, and he had no key. He couldn’t break it. It would not open to him. Out of reach. The knowledge denied to him. He struggled with the lock, but the world kept spinning, and he couldn’t endure it any longer. “Only the water… pain. I couldn’t breathe, my limbs going numb. All I remember is drowning,” he answered her. He opened his eyes. “Do I have a name?”

Rey stood instantly. Her right hand covered her mouth. She was looking around the room, and finally back at him. She looked panicked. Excited. Shocked. So many emotions crossed her face. Eventually, her eyes narrowed, she took a step back. “It’s not possible. This is a trick.”

“Trick?”

She looked angry again. He wasn’t sure what he’d done. Maybe she was mad he couldn’t remember. Or perhaps they’d argued before his accident? He couldn’t guess. He felt like he didn’t want to know. His head ached, and he wondered how much longer his eyes could withstand the pressure. He was terrified they’d explode. He closed them, imagining Rey’s face in his mind. “Hey… hey… wake up.”

“He opened his eyes, enduring the pain. “Please tell me… you know who I am, yes? What am I called?” Nothing else seemed so important. He had a name. What was his name?

Rey was looking down at him. She didn’t move. He could hear her breathing, those beautiful eyes wide, and he burned under her stare. The pain seemed to drift when he focused on her eyes, like an out of body experience. He was no longer attached to nerve endings. He was alive only in the depths of her eyes. “This isn’t possible,” she insisted. “I… I need Master Luke.”

“Who is Master Luke?” he asked, worried briefly this Master was important to her. _More_ important to her. “Is… is he your lover?”

Rey snorted, despite herself. Her hands were covering her face, and she shook her head. “Oh… my… I really need to get Master Luke. I’m sorry. I… just wait!” She was gone before he could protest. She hadn’t told him his name. Why was it so hard to tell him? She’d said her name easy enough. Frustrated, he closed his eyes, trying to ignore the agony of his wounds. He was already rediscovering little pieces of his personality. Apparently, he was not a patient person.

He could hear voices, ardently whispering. Had he commit some great sin? Broken in body, memories ripped from him, and unable to even learn his own name? It felt like he’d been torn apart, mentally and physically. He was helpless and at Rey’s mercy. He could think of worst things, he supposed.

A door creaked open and this time several footsteps were heard. At least two people. He couldn’t really turn his head to see. He opened his eyes as another face entered his line of vision, an old man with an unkempt beard, and curious eyes. He felt like a science experiment, lying on display for all to study. His lips were dry, throat almost swollen. It took effort to swallow, and he closed his eyes for a long second to ease the agonizing pain in his head. “You… must be Master.”

“Master?” questioned the old man.

“Is… is that not what I should call you?”

The bearded man’s lips curled, and his smile was kind. “Luke… I’m your Uncle Luke.”

“Uncle?” This man was his family? The thought had never occurred to him, and for a moment he worried the beautiful Rey was also his kin. “Is Rey… your daughter?” His stomach was sinking fast.

Boots pounded against the wood floor, and Rey’s face appeared as if by magic. “No, I’m… just a friend,” she assured him.

He tried to ignore the way his heart lifted back up again, bypassing his chest and resting in his throat. It took effort to swallow it back down again and speak. “In that case… I… I ask if I might know my name.” He knew Rey. He knew Luke, his uncle. He didn’t know himself. It seemed unjust to make him wait.

“Ben… Ben Solo,” answered Luke immediately. His uncle reached out to take his hand, a gentle squeeze. “It’s good to have you back.”

Ben. The name felt right. “Ben.” He tasted it in his mouth, and he found himself smiling in relief despite the pulsing discomfort of his body. “I’m Ben.” He had a name. An identity. The world still felt frightfully confusing, but at least he had a name. He’d endured drowning and damage. He’d been saved by a beauty, and his uncle sat beside him with a gentle smile. He felt safe. His muscles relaxed, though it felt unnatural. He’d lived a life on constant guard, always tense. He sensed it. The tension coiled in the darkness of his mind. Something about this felt too good to be true, but he willingly embraced it. These people were harmless enough. “What happened to me, Uncle Luke?”

Luke had settled beside Ben on the cot. Rey focused on her original work. She reached for the wet rag and gently cleaned the wounds along his shoulder and arm. The rag was rough enough to sting, but he couldn’t resist her touch. Gel oozed into the cuts, healing him slowly and carefully. “You fell off the edge of a cliff. We found you clinging to the rocks. You’ve been unconscious for several days. We were worried you wouldn’t wake up,” Luke explained. “You’re safe now… with us. Rey’s been taking good care of you.”

Rey. She’d saved him from the angry waters, spent days by his side, Ben couldn’t help but wonder what she meant to him. His eyes lifted to hers, but she didn’t meet his gaze. “How bad are my injuries?”

“Several broken ribs, lacerations, and you lost a lot of blood. You also have a few fractures in both legs. The fact that you’re even alive is surprising. We took some scans, whatever damage was inflicted on your brain has caused swelling, and I don’t know if there’s been any other problems besides the memory loss. Bacta treatments are helping you recover, but we can speed your healing along with the Force,” his uncle told him.

“The Force?” Ben watched as Luke glanced over at Rey. She blushed and closed her mouth, focusing on pulling back the covers to check a bandage. He was naked, though she didn’t seem especially shy about touching him. Almost as if… she’d seen it all before. He could only hope.

“It’s difficult to explain. You need rest. We’ll talk more tomorrow.” Luke’s hand squeezed Ben’s briefly. Curiously, the old man faltered for a moment, his eyes shined. “It’s… it’s good to see you… I was worried we’d lost you, Ben.” Luke’s hand moved to Ben’s cheek, and the care that shown through touched the younger man deeply. He’d probably worried them both with his fall. They were grateful to have him back. The sorrow in his uncle’s eyes seemed to reveal a deeper hurt though, and Ben wondered if his confusion was tricking his observations.

Luke was gone before Ben could say anything, leaving Rey behind. She’d finished with the wound on his leg, and was tucking the blanket back in place to give him modesty. “Rey?”

She paused, turning to look at him. He didn’t know how to say what he was feeling, how to express it in words. She captivated him. “Yes… Ben?”

He settled on a warm smile, resisting the urge to wince. “Will you stay with me? Just until I sleep?”

Again Rey’s eyebrows wrinkled, and he could see her hesitation. He didn’t know what was bothering her. He hoped he hadn’t offended her. He felt her hand slip into his, and he held it tight despite the cuts on his palms. “Of course. Close your eyes. I’m here.”

He did as she asked. Eyes slipped closed, and he took a deep breath. The oxygen felt good filling his lungs. He’d never felt so tired. So completely worn out. Ben was safe in her company, far away from the stormy sea. He had family. He had Rey. He welcomed the darkness when it took him. Her thumb caressed his cuts. He got the feeling, he’d never known such peace before this moment.

*******

_Kylo Ren is not accustomed to the dream. The world around him is quiet and intimate. A room, his new world is nothing more than a bedroom. This is a space reserved for lovers, and he gets the sense that he does not belong. The darkness welcomes him, but he can still see the outline of her body by the window. This place had always been out of reach to him before, and he revels in the opportunity to invade and pillage anything belonging to Ben Solo. The scavenger, such a thing of beauty, glowing in the light of the stars. Her skin is discolored from sun damage, her hair lies loose down her back with a slight frizz. Her clothes are revealing, a tank and frayed shorts. Easy to remove. He knows she would never allow it._

_She is expecting Ben. Her lover in the night. The man that touches her with barely restrained desire and patience. Ben Solo is a gentle river, flowing as directed. Kylo Ren is the lava, he is an unstoppable force that will burn everything he touches. He is change. He is growth. He told her he wanted to be her teacher. This will be her first lesson._

_“I feel different.”_

_His words startle her, and she turns around. There’s uncertainty in her eyes, as if she knows he cannot be the one she was waiting for. “You’re damaged.”_

_Kylo Ren’s body is not broken here. He feels more powerful than ever before. She gives him power. Emotion. The numbness recedes. He walks towards her with purpose, and doesn’t miss her step back. She’s against the window now. Nowhere to run. He has her full undivided attention. “We’re all damaged.” He sees no point in denying weakness. His body is a shell, a conduit for the Force. Shells crack. It will heal eventually. “How did it feel to save the life of your foe?”_

_“Ben Solo is not my enemy.”_

_She’s separated them for her own sanity. Ben Solo would never have killed his own father. It’s Kylo Ren that she reserves her hatred for. He takes another step closer. When Rey takes a deep breath her breasts graze his chest, and he finds it satisfying. She sees him as a monster, but he’s more like a beast. Monsters are horrible and wicked because the world deems them so, and they are eager to prove it true. Beasts are animals that rely on instinct and desire. They are neither good nor evil. They exist to be neither. They only seek to please their master and themselves._

_Her face is defiant. She knows who he is. He feels the daggers in her eyes. “I am the enemy?”_

_“Exactly,” she confirms._

_“And what if I don’t want to be your enemy, Scavenger? What then?”_

_She shakes her head. “That’s not how this works… not after what you’ve done.”_

_Rey’s shoulder bumps his own as she walks away. Her arms are folded. There’s nowhere to go. She cannot leave him. She cannot escape. She stares at the bed she often shared with Ben. It is rumpled and inviting, but she refuses it’s invitation. She will only ever share it with the man she does not hate. “You think the dark side evil?” he questions, rolling his eyes. “You think I’m evil for being seduced by it.”_

_Rey spins around to look back at Kylo. “You killed Han Solo. You almost killed Luke Skywalker! You ARE evil! You need to be stopped!” she growls._

_For a moment he sees the beast in her too. They are not so different. She will fight and claw for her master, strong instincts urge her to keep her distance from him, because she knows he’s on the hunt and one of them is bound to be caught. She is beautiful and dangerous. She could devour him whole and he would not mind. Kylo Ren sees her dark side. It calls to him. He’s certain that he can tempt her. “How did it make you feel? When my lightsaber took Han Solo’s life?”_

_A flicker of sadness and loss. She is in pain. She feels alone. He knows these feelings intimately, like old friends do. “I… was devastated.” Her voice breaks, cracks, as if the words are too much burden for her tongue. “I wanted to kill you.”_

_Kylo presses forward. He wants to be close to her again. He knows he cannot touch. Not yet. He will enter her mind and dig deep. He will invade her soul first. Only then will he be able to take her body. He wants everything. “Have you wondered… even for a moment how I felt? I know you can sense me, Rey. This connection we share is stronger than ever. There need not be secrets between us.” He steps forward. She does not back away this time. He can smell her. She smells like the ocean now. He wonders if her skin tastes like salt. “My father’s murder weakened me. I wanted to prove myself loyal to Snoke after my failures, but I lost myself in the process. My father’s death has brought me nothing but pain and regret. These tools give me access to the dark side, yet I feel numb. Lifeless. What is the dark side without passion, Rey? I am losing this battle, and I can feel insanity sink it’s claws into me.” He grips her wrist, and presses her palm against his chest. “You make my heart beat again.”_

_Rey rips away from his grasp immediately, but she has not backed away. He can hear her breathing. It is heavy. “You don’t deserve to live.”_

_“And yet you saved me from certain death.”_

_“I saved Ben Solo,” she insists. He almost laughs in her face._

_“Then you saved a ghost! You saved an echo!” he shouts, watching her jump and close her eyes to calm the fears. He frightens her. Kylo takes a moment, a breath, needing her to understand. “Does it bother you? To think that Kylo Ren mourns a man he killed? You know nothing about the dark side. You need a teacher to understand.”_

_“The dark side is dangerous! I’ve seen what it does to people! I’ve seen what it does to you!” she argues._

_He leans down. He’s not trying to tower over her or intimidate. He wants to see her eyes, and for her to look into his. “People are dangerous. The dark side is not. It’s power and emotion… not evil. That’s what Luke has failed to help you understand. The Jedi lived a life of control and self-denial. They live for sacrifice. Stubborn and rigid. They fear growth! They are cowards! I chose something better. I chose to reach my full potential.” He turns his head slightly so that his lips touch her ears, keeping his voice low and quiet. “Where Ben is soft and gentle… I will not be. Do not mistake what he does for love, Rey. He is not capable of it. Love IS passion. Love is fire! The light knows nothing of that. I am the dark side. I can show you what that means. I can give you what you desire most.”_

_He pulls away to see her face. Her jaw hangs open, eyes blackened by blown pupils, and she still hasn’t managed to control her breathing. “My only desire… is to see you pay for your crimes.”_

_Kylo Ren smiles. She is a challenge. He likes that about her. “I already am, Rey. That’s what I’ve been trying to explain to you. I killed my father. When he fell into the abyss, so did I. Snoke is all that’s left for me now, and he will destroy the husk that is my body so that all that’s left is ash. It’s a slow death, Rey. All I ask for is mercy. Let me teach you. Do not let your fears stand in your way. Time is running out for me, but you still have a chance to learn from my mistakes.”_

_Rey licks dry lips. Her eyes are wide. He sees her hesitation. She is thinking, truly considering his offer. The anticipation leaves him shaking. “Luke told me there were once a people called the Je’daii… they believed in using both darkness and light. A balance.”_

_He nods. “Passion and control.” Kylo Ren rejected his light by killing Han Solo. He knows that now. He is fractured. Weak. “I want to help you, Rey. There is so much untapped potential in you. You can be so much more than I ever was.”_

_“Why do you care?” she asks him. Her eyes have softened. For a moment she has forgotten about his sins. He sees it as progress._

_“I am the dark side.” He leans in and kisses her lips, hands moving to cup her face as he pours everything into her soul. He nips at her lips and she struggles from the shock. Kylo does not hold back. He wants her. Her hands press against his chest to push him away and he relents. Kylo licks his lips. He can still taste her on his tongue. “I was born to feel. All I feel is you.”_

**To Be Continued**


	5. “You And I Are Meant For Better Days”

**“Planned a great escape  
Keep the wolves away  
Together we can hide like runaways  
We can find a way  
See the sun again  
You and I are meant for better days” - Jack Savoretti ‘We Are Bound’**

She recognized Ben Solo’s eyes. Those dark orbs reflected the light like a mirror she could see herself in. If she paid attention she’d notice a flicker of gold and green cascading over dark brown, and it swirled and changed as the light hit it differently. Sometimes he would stare at her, and the pull would overtake her like a tractor beam. His hand would softly caress her fingers in silent thanks as she tended to his wounds. Her dream had come to her in the flesh with a warm smile that no amount of discomfort could prevent as she sat down beside his cot. It was so painfully endearing, that she often had to look away. Her sanity was teetering on the edge as it was.

It didn’t help that she now had to endure Kylo Ren’s presence when she slept. She’d asked Ben about his dreams, but he didn’t seem to remember anything. He’d admitted that he dreamed about her, and it bothered him because she always seemed upset. It was all he could recall. The separation of Ben Solo and Kylo Ren was getting worse. She’d never seen a person so fragmented. Han’s death had truly broken him.

Master Luke was using his abilities with the Force to heal Ben Solo’s broken bones. She found it fascinating to watch. It was an advanced ability that took a long time to master. Luke could actually close his eyes and _see_ the damage. He used the Force to manipulate the natural healing process, accelerating it, as each fracture knitted back together one by one. It took special concentration. Force healing was potentially dangerous if attempted by a novice, causing harm rather than helping. She noticed he’d not attempted to fix Ben’s memory loss. _‘We need him mobile, Rey. That’s my only priority.’_ She knew he was just afraid of losing his nephew again. She was scared too.

It’d been well over a week since Kylo Ren and the knights came to Ahch-To, and Skywalker knew more would come. Rey honestly wasn’t sure what they were waiting for. Every day that they stayed, they put themselves in danger of an attack, and there was always the possibility that they wouldn’t survive the next wave. Luke had a plan. Once Ben was healed enough to be moved, they’d leave Ahch-To and escape to his planet of Tatooine on the outer rim. He had contacts there, and would search out the Resistance to find out where their new base was. Her master seemed eager to bring Ben Solo to his mother. Rey wasn’t so sure it was a good idea, but what other choice did they have?

When Rey entered Luke Skywalker’s cottage, she could tell Ben was improving immediately. He was sitting up in the cot, his chest was bare, but the blanket was covering his lower half for modesty’s sake. His shoulders were broad and solid, and although his muscles weren’t especially defined, she knew quite well how strong he was. His abdomen was smooth until the sides where he’d been shot by Chewbacca. The blaster wound had healed to look like melted flesh shaped into a circular pattern of raised scar tissue and discoloration. A line of short hairs under his belly button took her eyes towards the covered half of his body. She’d already seen everything, in her dreams, and while tending his wounds. Rey tried not to think about that. It wasn’t healthy.

She attempted a smile when Ben looked up at her. He was reading something Luke had given him. Another one of her master’s ancient books, but it wasn’t written in Basic. “You can understand that?” she questioned, feeling slightly envious.

Ben nodded. “The knowledge is there, and quite easy to access.” For a moment he laughed, but it lacked any real humor. “I can’t remember who I am or where I come from, but practical things come easy. It’s like my mind chose what it wanted, and trashed the rest.”

She could sympathize with his frustration, but his memory loss had proven to be more of a gift than a curse. He had no idea what lay hidden in the depths of his battered mind. It was better to change the subject before he started to ask questions. She had none to give, and Rey knew Luke was also being selective about what he’d say. She was honestly surprised Luke had allowed him to read the ancient texts of the Je’daii. It seemed reckless considering his connection to the dark side remained, even if it was dormant at the moment. “And the books? Luke has not taught me how to decipher them yet.”

Ben looked down at the materials lying across his lap. “Some explain basic knowledge of the Force. Others go deeper into what the Force allows us to do. How we can connect with living and non-living matter. The Force is without limits. Its power and presence are harnessed through control and serenity or… passion and pain. We connect to it because it _chose_ us. We serve its will and it serves ours. It’s symbiotic. It’s everything.” His eyes shined with fascination as he looked up at her. “It’s poetry, Rey. Pure poetry. I can feel it call to me, like it was waiting for my eyes to touch its words.”

Sometimes when Ben spoke she had to take a breath. No one ever spoke the way he did. His charm was well tailored, and she could only imagine the education he must have had as the son of Leia Organa. She would feel intimidated if it wasn’t for the fact that her practicality was just as valuable. She’d lived to adapt and survive. Every day had been a struggle, an endless battle to fight for bread and water. She didn’t need flight school to tell her how to fly, or cooking lessons to show her how to season food. Even in the Force, Master Luke was amazed by how quickly she learned each skill. Her quick mind soaked in the knowledge like a sponge. It always had. 

Rey cleared away the distractions of her mind and moved over to sit in the chair beside Ben’s cot. The alcove was quite small for his massive body, forcing him to curl into himself to keep from knocking things off shelves. She often had to hide a smirk as he struggled to fit in his uncle’s tiny home. Luke had been sleeping on the floor besides his nephew for the most part, using mats that he would roll out when he got tired. Rey hadn’t a clue how he managed to sleep without worrying that Ben might recover his memories in the night and kill him. She felt like she was permanently sitting at the edge of her seat, waiting for that moment when she’d see a murderous look in his eyes. This wasn’t a dream. This wasn’t one of her quiet moments in the shroud of darkness, where Ben would come to her and tell her all the things Kylo Ren couldn’t.

Ben was staring at her, his books forgotten. His hands were folded in his lap, and she could tell there was something he wanted to ask her, but didn’t know how. That usually meant it would be an uncomfortable subject for her. She didn’t encourage him to ask, although she knew he would once he’d gotten the nerve. In the meantime, she busied herself checking bandages. His legs were mostly healed, and the dark purple that’d been around his ribs had turned a few shades lighter. Many of the deep cuts on the palms of his hands were completely gone with use of the bacta gel. Some of his scars would remain. He had far too many, piling up on old ones till he looked more like a doll that’d been stitched up far too many times.

“How do you feel?” she asked, finally looking up at him.

“Feel?” His eyes rolled, even as his pale skin turned a distinctive shade of red. “How am I supposed to feel? My body heals, but my mind resists me. I feel like a blind man watching a holovid. I can hear, but I can’t see the story. There’s too many unanswered questions when my uncle talks to me in the night about family. Then there’s you. You’re the biggest mystery of them all. I can see how anxious you are around me. At first, I thought it was because of my accident, lingering worries about my mental and physical state. Now I realize it’s much deeper than that. I… I can sense things, Rey.”

As his understanding of the Force grew, she knew he was rediscovering the link between them. Having him close to her was making it stronger. It felt like a thread. When she touched the thread his thoughts and feelings funneled through to her freely. Rey saw frustration and doubt, warmth and curiosity, and something intangible when he asked about himself. His interest in Rey was made very obvious. Ben Solo was attracted to her. It seemed to be an issue no matter which personality she faced. His longings were obvious, and ignoring them was impossible, especially as she struggled to suppress her own.

When she didn’t speak, Ben nodded his head and looked away. “Fair enough… I know you deserve your privacy. It’s just that… I sense nothing from my own uncle. His mind is closed shut, an impenetrable wall. Then when I think of you… everything is open and free. Nothing is out of reach. I feel… connected to you, somehow.”

His confession was no surprise to her. She’d felt it since the first time Kylo Ren had entered her mind. Everything came easier. His mind and hers. The thread tied between them was undeniable, and oddly reassuring. Rey had been alone for so long. There was an unnatural desperation inside that’d been sated the moment he established their link. It didn’t matter that it was her enemy peering inside, anymore. It didn’t matter if Ben or Kylo appeared to her in visions and dreams. Better him than no one at all. This was a thought she buried deep down, but was strong enough to acknowledge. Rey preferred to be honest with herself. She was reminded of words once spoken to her when all this started. “It’s okay. I feel it too.”

Ben swept the books further away towards the wall and shifted to face her fully. “What does it mean? I… I have been reading this book and there’s some text that’s more difficult to translate. Something about it caught my eye, though. Force bonds. A deep connection between two souls with a shared destiny. You say you feel it? But feel what exactly?” he pressed, his full lips had gone dry and he licked them. Her eyes were drawn to his mouth immediately. “What do you feel when you look at me, Rey? All I sense is your fear.”

“I am afraid.” There was no use denying it. Her right hand tightened into a fist to stop it from shaking. She wanted to tell him about their dreams. Her secret burned inside her. She felt nothing but guilt and shame when she was with Luke. Ben would understand. “I see you everywhere. In everything. In my visions and my dreams.”

Ben nodded, leaning forward. His eyes were wide and eager. He was so close. His face was all she could see. “You’re in my dreams too, but it’s all so hazy. I only ever remember your face when I awaken. My… my body’s reaction is…” Solo laughed and shook his head. She’d never heard him laugh before. His face was turning red again. She knew. She knew because sometimes her thighs were press together just thinking about dreams. The muscles in her stomach would go tight and her breathing would shallow. That’s what he did to her, and she knew it was the same for him. “I can’t fully explain it. You… you’re mesmerizing.”

His words left her breathless. Rey’s chest felt tight. The thoughts he’d just shared were the kinds of things she only heard in dreams. The things done in the dark. Her sins. It was easier to let go without the burden of reality. She was free to touch him, taste him, press his body against hers and beg for more. Shame and regrets returned every morning, but it wasn’t real and somehow that made it okay. Rey was free in her dreams. There was no need for restraint. Nothing else existed to judge… just them. Ben and Rey.

“Please tell me I’m not going crazy,” he whispered. His lips curled in the saddest of smiles. “I couldn’t bare that on top of memory loss.”

She smiled back, out of weakness. Ben Solo _was_ her weakness. Perhaps Kylo Ren too. His face and body revealed his scars, but hers were harder to see. Either way, they’d damaged each other permanently in their struggles against each other. She’d never be the same again. Her vision tunneled to his eyes, filled with a sincerity that warmed her heart. His lips were slightly open as he took a breath, and she wondered what it would be like to kiss him outside of her dreams. “I… Ben… I-”

“Good morning!”

Rey stilled. Her jaw shut automatically, eyes closed as she realized how close she’d been leaning towards Ben. He was like a magnet. She sat back in her chair. When she finally opened her eyes again, Ben Solo had also pulled back, hunched against the wall in the tiny cot. There was a vulnerability to his face when he caught her eyes. She could see his disappointment. “Good morning, Luke.”

“Morning, Uncle Luke.”

Her master walked towards them and stood just behind Rey. His hands rested on her shoulders briefly with affection. There was a softness in Luke Skywalker’s voice that she never heard before. It almost seemed like Ben Solo’s return was bringing life back into her master… so filled with hope that they could do things right this time around. Rey wasn’t so sure. There was no telling who Ben would become if his memory returned. It weighed heavily on her mind. Luke was lost in denial. Then again, it was Rey that saw the darkness in her dreams, the proof that Kylo was not dead. Now it was _he_ who was the ghost refusing to disappear. Another thing Kylo and Ben had in common. They were both survivors. “How are you feeling?” Skywalker asked his nephew, ignoring the tension in the room. She was certain he must have sensed something was off.

Ben’s eyes met hers, just a flicker. “I feel fine, thank you.” Rey knew it was a lie. Nothing about this was _fine_. He felt her fear, and now… she could clearly feel his too.

*******

_Rey feels like a storm. Her mind and heart as divided as Ben Solo and Kylo Ren. He keeps his distance, but she feels his eyes. She’s afraid if he speaks she will scream. She will lash out. It is not the Jedi way, but the Jedi are gone. Nothing is how she expected. Her journey is twisted and winding. Every time she feels like she knows the way, the path splits and she’s lost again. Every time something settles, the earth shakes and it all comes crumbling down. The galaxy refuses to stop moving. Nothing is still. The storm rages._

_Across the room Kylo Ren sits. He’s on the floor with his back to the wall, and his legs sprawled out in a position that looks awkward. His eyes are dark. He is waiting. Waiting for her aggression to wash over him. Waiting for her hate. It occurs to her that this is all he understands. For as much as he insists the dark side is about passion and emotion, the only emotions he has ever known were cruel. His master is not kind. His life is not kind. She doesn’t understand why he’s drawn to it._

_She feels trapped. Ben Solo is haunting her days and Kylo Ren steals her nights. She cannot escape him, and the more she tries to run, the more she feels like she’s fighting the inevitable. She is choice less. Her fate is decided. All the resentment and hatred she first felt for Kylo Ren is fading away. It takes too much energy to sustain. She fears she’s already forgiven him for the things he’s done. He’s still Han Solo’s son. She can see his father in every smile. It feels like Han is still alive. She knows he loved his son, even in death._

_The storm rages on anyway. Kylo Ren is temptation and sin. He appeals to every dark desire, and she doesn’t know how to stop it. She’s terrified of what she could become if she allows him to twist her thinking. Rey is not beyond corruption. She is very aware of this, especially when she can’t stop staring at Kylo’s lips. Ben’s lips. She wants him. All of him. The darkness and the light. Since the very first dream, feeling his arms around her, the way his voice sent shivers down her spine. No one makes her feel like that. No one else ever could. She keeps her distance. Fighting fate might be impossible, but perhaps she can delay it for a while._

_She can ignore attraction. It’s far more difficult to pretend Ben Solo is nothing more than a sexual fantasy. Unlike Kylo Ren, there is a purity in the way he sees the world. Ben was seeing the world through Kylo’s eyes and coming to her for comfort in the night. It was a gift that his accident erased those terrible memories, and brought him back in control. Kylo is a walking bad decision, for Ben and herself. She wonders if Ren would agree._

_“One day Snoke will destroy you.”_

_Kylo doesn’t even blink. “He wants me powerful. He wants me at my strongest. When the galaxy is his, then he will take it all away.” She is not expecting him to agree. How can he know this to be true, and do nothing?_

_“Why?” Rey has always wanted to ask. “Why serve him as your master? Why betray everyone, your family, for someone who would see you destroyed?”_

_Kylo Ren bends his knees and moves to stand. Her eyes follow him as he walks towards the window to stare out into the stars. Half of his face is in shadow, and all she can see is the angry scar across his face. He looks cracked, splintering even now. An outward representation of what is happening within. “Every day people are consumed by fire, Rey. It is powerful in its fury. It consumes everything. Homes are lost. Air looms melt away. Families are reduced to ruins either by death or loss. It doesn’t stop us though, does it? We know the fire is dangerous, but we need it. It cooks our meals. It keeps us warm at night. We invite the fire in, knowing full well one day it could turn on us, consume everything. We take the risk. Not everyone gets burned.”_

_“And you? Will you get burned?”_

_“Snoke has been with me from the very beginning. His voice in my head, his presence pressing into me. I used to try to escape it. So many times I was left alone with just that voice.” He turns his head towards her and his eyes are almost yellow in the dark. “I was born as a cursed child. I was forged into darkness long before I let go of the light.” Rey sees his lips curl. Those lips. The sadness in his voice. “I thought it was Snoke that would eventually burn me alive, give me my relief. I was wrong. It’s you.”_

_Rey turns away from him. She can still feel the storm inside, raging against his company. This dream feels more like a prison, and she wants to be free. “I would be okay with that.” Her words are meant to be cutting, an expression of the storm. When she meets his gaze she expects yellow eyes, but instead he looks a little too much like Ben._

*******

The heavy rain would make training nearly impossible. Rey stood just below the Falcon, pulling on her poncho, and sticking a hand out to feel the water pouring down around her. It was early morning and not even Luke Skywalker was awake; he’d decided to bunk in the Falcon tonight, weary of his own unforgiving wood floors. At first she’d thought she’d go for a run, but her eyes kept lingering towards the path that led to Ben. It wasn’t a good idea to be alone with him. Not after their last conversation. He wouldn’t just forget about what they’d discussed before Luke interrupted them.

Still, she also knew avoiding the issue would solve nothing. Her dreams with Kylo Ren were putting a lot of things in perspective. She missed the nights she’d shared with Ben… missed touching him with the intimacy of a lover. Rey’s heart ached in Kylo’s presence, knowing he wasn’t the man she wanted touching her. His memory loss was a complication, but it was clear a shift had taken place. Han Solo’s son was truly alive, and Kylo Ren was now the one trapped and tucked away. Her fears that it wasn’t a permanent arrangement made it difficult for her to be honest with Ben. It wasn’t easy to put her heart on the line, knowing the possibility of it getting crushed was high. Their story promised tragedy, whether destiny was involved or not.

Rey pulled the hood over her head and carefully walked through the heavy rain. Water dripped down her poncho and soaked through the bottoms of her pants. It was always more difficult to get to Luke’s cottage when the rain had turned soil into mud. The rocks were especially slippery, and more than once she found herself crawling rather than climbing. The clouds were gray and black, with rumbles of thunder threatening something bigger on the horizon. She looked a mess by the time she reached the top of the narrow path, and walked over to the door. 

Her hair clung to her neck in soaked strands that made her itch to pull her hair up. Water had still seeped enough into her pants to make them uncomfortable, and her boots were heavy with muck. If there was ever a time that she looked the least attractive, this would be it. Second thoughts took over briefly as she realized Ben could still be sleeping. She wondered what he saw when they weren’t sharing dreams. Was it just Kylo sitting quietly in the room stewing in his own thoughts without her company? Rey shook her head, clearing away the stray thoughts, and decided on a soft knock that wouldn’t disturb him if he was resting. 

“Yeah, come in!”

Rey entered the small home, and could immediately feel a strong chill in the air. She shivered, kicking off muddy boots, and shut the door behind her. Her poncho was next to be removed, and set aside by the small fire that was already dying without dry logs or kindling. “I was afraid you wouldn’t be awake.”

He was sitting up in the cot, and reading once again. Rey noticed he was wearing one of his uncle’s undershirts, and some fatigue bottoms she’d found in the Falcon. There was a long red stripe along each side, and she suspected they must have been his father’s. Ben’s blanket was wrapped around his shoulder to keep warm, with his legs crossed, and half hanging off the edge. Despite the slim scar over his eye, Ben looked every bit the son of a princess and a smuggler. The mind of a scholar, and the body of sin.

It was well that he’d managed to dress himself. It meant he was almost fully restored. Master Luke had allowed him to walk for a short time not long after their awkward conversation. He’d been quite confident in his abilities, with good reason. She’d been busy most of the day packing. Luke had decided it would be prudent to begin moving many of his things to the Falcon, in anticipation of their departure. Now that Ben could walk, and nearly healed of many of his other injuries, they could speed up their plans.

Rey couldn’t stop thinking about the day she’d found him clinging to the rock, barely breathing. She’d thought he was dead; had felt her ribs crashing against her heart as if she were crumbling from the inside, until Luke insisted he felt a pulse. He had fluid in his lungs, and she’d been forced to clear them. It was amazing, the things the Force allowed her to do when times got desperate. He would have died if they hadn’t found him. She’d been so surprised by her own relief that day. Now, as she looked at Ben Solo sitting in bed waiting for her, her relief made her very proud. He was alive. He was Ben. That was all that mattered for now. They would face tomorrow when it came.

When Ben finally seemed to realize she hadn’t moved from the door, Ben tilted his head to the side, staring at her expectantly. His book lay forgotten on his lap. She couldn’t help but notice he’d dropped it before he could save his page. “Could you not sleep?” he questioned.

Rey blushed, caught admiring him, and cleared her throat. She took her usual seat beside the cot, watching him turn and let his feet drop down to the floor. “I managed a few hours, but it wasn’t a pleasant dream,” she admitted.

“Neither was mine,” he told her, giving her pause. “I don’t remember much, just emotions really. They didn’t feel like my emotions. They were so strong and persistent. I could feel you, but you were angry with me. Tell me, why are you always so furious at me in my dreams?” She knew he was teasing, because he didn’t understand how their connection worked. Ben didn’t know Kylo existed. He wasn’t even aware of him.

It was a relief that he couldn’t remember how his darker personality was spending the nights, but she also found it curious. It felt convenient, and she wondered if it was the result of his accident or a subconscious side effect of his personality disorder. “It was just a silly dream,” she assured him. The wood carved chair felt like it was entirely too uncomfortable all of the sudden. Ben’s eyebrows lifted in surprise as she slid over to the cot and sat beside him. She crossed her legs and picked at the edges of her damp pants. He immediately leaned into her, their backs pressed against the wall, and heads dangerously close to the shelves Luke had installed. “I don’t think I could ever be angry with you, Ben.”

He smiled faintly at that. It struck Rey immediately that he had a beautiful smile. He looked so young when those lips curled, and for a brief moment she could forget how complicated their lives were. She could just enjoy Ben Solo without Kylo Ren. Rey took in his face, memorizing the faint bags under his eyes, the brown spots on his cheeks and just a few over his forehead. She’d once spent an entire dream counting every mole, freckle and blemish while Ben told her about TIE fighter training, and the perils of attacking a city that was built on a planet with heavy gravity. His raven, black hair came to his shoulders, and looked much less styled. His bangs fell into his eyes, and when he’d look through the fringes at her… he just looked perfect.

Ben hadn’t said anything, and neither had she. They were staring at each other, saying everything and nothing. She could feel his fears seep into her skin, mixing along with her own, because this thing between them was powerful and dangerous. They both knew that. The bond was urging them towards something they weren’t ready for. The intimacy they’d shared in dreams was nothing more than a result of poor judgement. It was a dream, so she was free to do what she wanted, only the consequences felt too real when she woke up alone. It wasn’t her choice. Not him. Not their bond. Not even the feelings stirring in her stomach whenever he’d touch her. It didn’t feel like a lie, or manufactured, but it still left her feeling cheated somehow. She knew what she needed, but she was afraid of hurting him. Afraid of ruining everything.

“Ben?” He held her gaze, hair framing his face so perfectly, eyes just as dazzling as ever. She wondered if she’d have the strength to say what needed to be said. “I don’t pretend to understand what’s between us. This connection we share distorts our feelings. Sometimes what I feel… I worry it’s superficial… not quite my own. I… Ben, I want you to know I’m very fond of you. When I thought you were dead I felt sick to my stomach-”

“Stop… please, Rey.” Ben’s hand covered over hers, warm and rough from the scars and callouses. Her hands were resting in her lap, but the moment she felt his touch, she was quick to link their fingers together. Her palm fit so well in his hand. The difference in their skin tones entranced her. Sun-kissed skin had given her a permanent tan, while his were just pale, with these sharp bursts of colorful scars that revealed his struggles and pain. When she finally lifted her eyes back to Ben, she felt calm. “Maybe this would be different if I remembered you. If I remembered who we meant to each other. I don’t. I’m starting over. Maybe we should start over too. We’ll forget everything we used to know, okay? Life starts now.”

She’d been afraid to have this conversation, but she should have known Ben was so much stronger than the dark shadow in her dreams. In some ways he was the victim that suffered most in the wake of Kylo Ren. It was Ben Solo that had been pulled apart and damaged, but somehow not destroyed. It was Ben that watched as people died and suffered at his hand. Always fighting to resurface. Never quite strong enough to take back his life. Rey admired him. He was all the best parts of his father and mother. He held onto their spirit even when his own spirit faded. Her fingers locked in tighter inside his, holding onto him with everything she had.

She thought of her dreams. The way he would kiss her and touch her. How he took comfort in her when he admitted all the horrible things he’d been helpless to prevent. His words would break her heart, but his kiss would heal every crack, a silent apology for sharing his burdens with her. It was Kylo Ren that knew nothing of love. Ben’s compassion astounded her in the face of all the wicked he’d endured as Kylo’s prisoner. She wished she had known Ben Solo before Kylo Ren. “So, what do we do?” she asked.

Ben pulled his hand away from her grip and shifted away from her so they were no longer touching. She immediately missed his warmth. “It’s nice to meet you, Rey. My name is Ben. I’d really like it if we could be friends.”

_Friends._ Rey swallowed down the lump in her throat, and closed her hands into fists because they suddenly felt empty. “I’d like that too,” she responded even as the universe seemed to protest with a shudder in their bond. Destiny was pressing in on them, had tied them together in dreams, and brought Kylo physically to her world. It seemed so eager to speed them towards something unknown, but they were determined to go at their own pace. It felt powerful to resist the urgings of fate. To damn the universe and its plans, and just do things their own way. She would let nothing control her or exert its will on her. She needed to be the master of her own fate.

**To Be Continued**


	6. “Never Forget What I Lost”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have a surprise for you guys. I'm posting today and Friday with new chapters. It's not something I'll be able to do every time, but this chapter is really intense. I felt like it would be kinder to give you another chapter before the weekend, and not just leave it here. So there will be an update Friday.

**“Here comes the rain again  
Falling from the stars  
Drenched in my pain again  
Becoming who we are  
As my memory rests  
But never forgets what I lost  
Wake me up when September ends” – Green Day ‘Wake Me Up When September Ends’**

_“I had a nightmare, a dream within your pathetic reality. You called me **friend**.” Kylo Ren rarely finds himself disgusted by a single word, but in this case he makes an exception. His fury boils under the surface with a steady rise, and he knows he will not be able to contain himself. Rey sits on the bed under the sheets, her legs tucked underneath her, and all he can think about is joining her. She will never allow it, and this knowledge does little to calm his fraying nerves. All he can do is stand by the window staring at her rather than the stars. “Ben Solo is a fool.” _

_Rey looks away from him. She always turns away. Always rejects. The way she dismisses him cuts deeper than it should, and he detests the stinging in his chest where his heart should be. This new arrangement is a torment crafted especially for him. He watches life through the noble eyes of Ben Solo, and when Rey is finally in his presence he is kept at a distance. His sins have finally caught up to him. It took killing his father to bring him here, and his penance is truly agonizing. She refuses to learn about the dark side, to learn from him; instead choosing to stop up her ears like a stubborn child. Without Snoke to guide him, he is truly alone. Agitated. Unbalanced. He begins to pace like an animal to relieve the tension. He wonders what would happen if he broke the glass and allowed the stars to swallow him. Perhaps he’d finally be free._

_“Kylo… just… stop it,” she finally snaps when she can ignore his movements no longer. “You wouldn’t understand.”_

_“He desires you! He could have you if he wants! You wouldn’t deny him! I know you wouldn’t!”_

_“What makes you so sure?” she argues back, her eyes narrow and defiant._

_“Because you never have! For over a month I watched you in my dreams! You tremble for him! You beg him to touch you! You seek out his touch like your starved!” he raves, desperate for a release. He’s snapped under the pressure, and it feels perfect. Jealousy over his rivalry with Ben is at its peak. The dark side flows through his veins and he is overcome by it. There can be no calm or control. He refuses to sit in the corner and wait for Ben Solo to awaken._

_Rey is livid. Her eyes flash in irritation. “He’s just endured a trauma! And frankly, the things Ben Solo and I shared have **nothing** to do with you!”_

_“Do you have any idea how many nights I spent desperate to sleep?! Just to see you, even if it was through Ben’s eyes! In the mornings I stand under the shower freezing in a pathetic attempt to remove sensation, numb my body, and forget about your skin against mine! HE IS A FOOL!”_

_“The only **fool** I see is you, Kylo!” she growled, her teeth flashing like a wolf on the hunt. Her legs were no longer tucked underneath her. She crouches on top of the bed, sinking her teeth into his flesh with every breath. “You rant and rave like a mad man, giving little consideration to the lives you take… or the people you hurt! All you care about is your own pain! You’re nothing but a selfish pretender! I gave you too much credit before when I called you a monster! You want the galaxy to fear you, bow before your feet, but you’re really just a pitiable child waving around a saber! Perhaps it’s a good thing Han Solo is dead, so he didn’t have to endure watching his only son rip worlds apart because of the imagined failings of two PERFECTLY DECENT PARENTS!”_

_“YOU WILL NOT PRESUME TO JUDGE ME!” Kylo yelled, his ears filled with the sound of blood. His body was constructed from this dream, but he swears he can feel the blood rushing through him at lightspeed. He is pure rage, pulled into a frenzy that’s blinding and violent. He snatches a chair sitting nearby and slams it against the window. Once, twice, and so many more times. The chair breaks apart in his hands like paper, flimsy and delicate. There’s a crack in the window now, but it does not break. Kylo roars, and turns back to her. Her eyes are wide as she stares at him. He doesn’t care if he’s frightened her. He doesn’t care if all she sees is a monster. The dark side demands purpose and he has none. Rey will see his fragmented soul, once and for all._

_He doesn’t stop. Kylo kicks at something random, a piece of wood from the chair. He punches at the window until the crack grows. Blood has stained its surface, but none of this is real, and his hand feels fine. His meltdown is as ferocious as the others. The room is full of breakable objects he has lost all sense of reason. He can’t breathe in this prison. Control is impossible. He needs this so badly, and it soothes his grief-stricken soul. He swipes items off a dresser, littering the floor with broken glass. The wardrobe is next, and he takes pleasure in its thunderous crash. Heart pumping like never before. He feels **alive** like this. He feels more like himself than any other time. Kylo Ren without limits. He is powerful._

_He takes a breath. There’s nothing left to break. The floor is littered with his rage. The anger recedes. He is tired. His energy drops so quickly. He’s staring at her from the middle of the bedroom he’s trashed, knowing she will never comprehend why he is like this. He is a pipe under pressure, cracking and shaking from the strain. He never learned control. Only Ben knows of such things. All he knows is pain. He is alone. Abandoned in his own mind. Mercy… why won’t she grant him mercy? Even stray bantha get thrown scraps._

_Rey is so still he’s not even sure she’s breathing. She hadn’t left the bed, resting on her knees with her arms hanging to the sides. Silence settles, and he’s panting, his lungs don’t feel like they work the same in this place. Her eyebrows wrinkle, she’s staring at him, studying him as if for the first time. “Killing Han Solo… it’s destroying you.” Her observation after his outburst surprises him. He is mentally and physically drained; completely helpless to resist her. The anger is gone, and all that remains is the ache inside. His skin feels as cold as ice. His hands are shaking with the need to touch what does not belong to him… will never belong to him. He thinks, perhaps, he will despise Ben Solo for as long as he exists._

_“I was like this long before then,” he assures her and turns away. He can’t look at her anymore. His eyes focus on the crack in the glass, and the dark red hue of his blood. The window reflects against his face, revealing his mind as the cracks and blood twist his image. He wishes he had something else to break, to distract him from what’s shattering inside._

_“Why?” He knows it’s a question that’s hung between them. She wants to solve him. Sharing their nights and their thoughts is not enough to explain Kylo Ren. “How does a man like Ben Solo turn into Kylo Ren?”_

_Kylo shook his head with a subtle twitch. Everyone has been so certain it was a process. From light to darkness. They assume the body was Ben’s, and Kylo had simply stolen it. He’s just a parasite, a separate entity, sucking the life from his victims to grow stronger. He focuses his eyes on the crack, the blood, and the stars. Kylo needs to look at something, and he’s not ready for that something to be her. “I have always been, Rey. When my mother held me in her arms for the first time she held us both… Ben Solo and Kylo Ren.” He wonders what she thinks of this. Could she ever believe him? He needs someone to understand, to peer into his soul and see everything. Kylo turns around and sees her eyes staring back at him, silently waiting. “I belong here, Rey… to this body and mind. It’s why Han Solo had to die.”_

_Rey shook her head. “What does he have to do with any of this?!” Kylo carefully closes the distance between them. He stops at the edge of the bed. He ignores the destruction around him, focusing only on her. She has never looked so feminine and delicate, yet even now, he also sees her power. He wants her to see him. Nothing has ever been so important._

_“You let Ben into your bed each night because he is tender and compassionate… so self-sacrificing. He shines brighter than the sun and you cannot resist him. You are not the first to feel this way. I have been shunned from the very start. Suppressed and forgotten. The petulant child. All Han was good for was leaving, because I’m not what he wanted or expected! Everything would be so much better with Ben, the one untouched by Snoke’s shadow. I took all his darkness, absorbed it like a shield. I protected him! Yet when my father returns, he makes demands for the life of Ben Solo! Never Kylo Ren! Never all of me! He would have seen me destroyed just like you. I deserve to exist, Rey! Snoke understood this! He saw my value!” Tears fill his eyes, but he will not let them fall. Rey will not see him like that. “Han Solo was my father but HE NEVER LOVED ME! SO I KILLED HIM!” He takes a breath. His body feels like sand, and he drops to his knees. “I hated him. So I killed him… before he could destroy me. I will not be made to disappear into oblivion. I will scream and wreak havoc until the worlds shake apart,” his voice cracks. He says the words, but they are meaningless to him now. “I hated him. I hated him so much.”_

_He feels like he’s bleeding. Every scar has become an open wound and he’s bleeding from everywhere. He is exposed, and he does not regret it. He does not regret a single word. Not even the lies. His eyes close and he feels glass dig into his knees, but he feels like he’s fading. He shakes with the strength of his isolation. He thinks perhaps he might die right here and now, but his body tenses as a hand reaches out to him. It slides down his back, joined by another. Two arms wrap around him and he is in shock. Rey’s chin rests on his shoulder and her forehead presses into his cheek. “If you hate Han Solo, why do you mourn?”_

_Kylo hangs his head low to hide the shame in his eyes. Everything has blurred, and he cannot see. “My lightsaber entered his body and I needed to look into his eyes. I was so sure of what I would find there. His hand reached out to touch my face and in that moment I could **hear** him. He was asking for forgiveness. My forgiveness. Why would he do that?” He shakes his head because he does not comprehend that such forgiveness was proof of a father’s love. He refuses to accept that truth, clinging to the lies he’s believed for so long. “The Supreme Leader insists that we do not leave the ones we love. We do not abandon them. The Supreme Leader is wise….”_

_“Your Supreme Leader was wrong, though. Han Solo did love you. He was your father, Kylo. No matter how often he left… at least your father came back. Mine never did.”_

_Kylo Ren has never been held before. The relief he feels in her arms is unbearable, and yet he would sooner die than leave her embrace. He fears she will never touch him like this again. He twists his neck to look into her eyes. Her head tilts back to meet his gaze and he doesn’t even care that what he sees is pity. He will take her pity over her hate. Tears spill from his eyes, but he pretends they don’t exist. “If you were mine, Rey… you wouldn’t have to wait for me. I would never have left to begin with.”_

_He feels her fingers tighten around him, dig into his skin for a moment. Her eyes shine and he is astounded to see her smile. Kylo can stand it no longer. His head presses forward, his lips touching hers. It is quick, just a taste, but yet he conveys his passion for her perfectly in those few seconds. He pulls away and her smile is gone. Kylo turns away again, because he understands. Rey would see Ben Solo thrive without Kylo Ren. She does not let go of him, and again her chin settles on his shoulder. The dark side glows inside him, still so powerful, but it is not rage or jealousy, or even pain that makes it strong. Those feelings have faded. It’s something else… and he dares not give it a name._

*******

Rey seemed different. Ben could sense it, and it worried him. His own failings with memory gave him little to go on when it came to her character, but he got the sense he’d done something wrong. Out of respect, he’d kept out of her way. Most of the day was filled helping move Luke Skywalker’s personal items into the Millennium Falcon. He’d been told they were not safe on Ahch-To, and the only reason they’d delayed leaving was to ensure Ben was restored to health before they made the journey to Tatooine. Ben suspected whoever they were running from was the reason he’d almost been killed. His uncle was tightlipped about the accident, but he’d mentioned attackers, and a specific group called the First Order that wanted them dead.

Although not fully recovered in mind, Ben was at least capable of walking and helping in small ways. They didn’t allow him to carry anything heavy, but their friend Chewbacca gave him some light work organizing all the junk his uncle insisted was important. Ben wanted to feel useful, especially after they’d saved his life. The Wookie was not entirely pleasant to him, but Ben was good at keeping out of the large creature’s way. Rey insisted he was just feeling moody. Strangely enough, his mood only seemed to sour around Ben Solo.

Left alone in the Falcon, Ben sorted through the mess, storing things in proper compartments. It seemed to be a smuggling ship, with secret spaces built into the freighter in case someone tried to board the vessel. It felt familiar, each corridor and compartment. His legs would take him through the ship with muscle memory, instead of following Luke’s directions. He supposed it made sense for him to know the ship. Rey was the pilot, with the Wookie’s assistance. It seemed reasonable that he’d seen it all before. He didn’t know why it made him sad.

Sometimes he would pick up a tool and a memory would surface for just a moment. _‘Kid, gimme that! It’s not a toy!’_ The voice would echo in his mind, and he’d drop whatever it was he was holding. It felt like progress. Ben should have been eager to share it with his uncle or Rey, but he kept it to himself. The few memories that did seem to surface were still so insignificant, and very few of them seemed especially pleasant. They were due to leave Ahch-To in the early morning. Considering his newfound anxiety with the ocean, he was looking forward to the deserts of Tatooine.

“Ben!” Luke’s voice came from outside the Falcon, and he immediately leaned towards the opened ramp. “Take a break. Rey and I are going to go prepare lunch.”

“Of course, Uncle Luke,” he responded. He could hear the man’s footfalls fading the further he went, and exited the ship, stretching muscles and cracking bones along his stiffening spine. It would take at least an hour before they ate. Rey had provided him a walking stick so he could get around, though he didn’t really need it now. They treated him like glass that could break with a single step. He felt solid and strong, and he was getting tired of being mothered. Ben leaned down to fetch the walking aid anyway, at the bottom of the ramp. Rey wouldn’t be pleased if he left it behind. He began his stroll in the opposite direction, hoping to explore the island before they had to leave it. Maybe he could clear his head, and jar a few more memories from his damaged brain.

For once the weather was mild. Even inside the confines of Luke’s home he’d noticed Ahch-To endured constant rain and wind. Today, the sun was out, with a refreshing breeze to keep him from baking. Although the trail he’d taken was a lot closer to the cliffs than he would have liked, Ben bravely continued on. He thought about the books he’d been reading, about the ancient Je’daii and the balance of the Force. The techniques and skills recorded inside were extraordinary and mystical. His mind soaked everything like a sponge, desperate to be filled in the absence of his memories. 

He thought about Rey, and wondered if he was fooling himself to think they could ever be comfortable as friends. It felt like he’d made a mistake with Rey. His attraction to her was undeniable, but it was their connection that threw him off most. The way she looked at him sometimes… he could swear there was something on the tip of her tongue, a secret they’d once shared that was too fragile to be spoken of out loud. She’d saved his life. She was the first face he’d seen. His guardian angel. His memories may be buried, but the feelings were much harder to forget. Whatever their history, Ben Solo felt something strong and powerful when she was in his presence. He’d only saved her the trouble of rejecting him by asking for her friendship.

He thought about family. Luke still seemed so eager to avoid any discussion about his parents. All he would say was that his father had passed away, and his mother was difficult to contact. He had no brothers or sisters. Apparently, he’d mostly kept to himself, which had made it difficult for him to develop friendships. None of these answers were satisfying, and he’d given up trying to learn more. Not knowing his own history was mentally exhausting. He always felt out of the loop, the odd man out. Ben knew they cared about him, otherwise they wouldn’t have saved his life, but that didn’t give them the right to withhold information. He was prepared for a sad story. He could feel it deep in his gut. Ben Solo’s life was far from easy. The evidence was in his battered body. Fresh scars didn’t hide the old ones. The line across his face told a tale no one was willing to share. If they were trying to protect him from the truth, he didn’t appreciate it. He was much stronger than they realized.

Ben paused, noticing a small speckled rock by his feet. It was circular and smooth, and he reached down to pick it up. He sat it in his left hand and closed his eyes. Sometimes he could actually see the Force moving through things, and he felt the moment the rock left his hand. When he opened the eyes it was floating above. His lips curled into a smile as he spun it around, made it dance through the air. It flew high and low, swung left and right. The small speckled rock would move however he wished. He let it go, and it dropped back into his palm. He shoved it in his pocket for practice later. A souvenir to remember his time in Ahch-To.

Ben continued on until the path split. One seemed to lead towards a steeper incline. The hike looked challenging, and at the very top he could see the shadows of a cave that felt very out of place. He hadn’t realized how far he’d walked. This was the other side of the island, far from Uncle Luke’s cottage. Ben’s eyes drifted to the other path that curved dangerously close to the edge of the cliffside, and led to a dead end, there was no point going that way. 

Getting to the cave would be difficult, a challenge considering his condition, but he was eager to push his limits. Luke’s ability to heal was truly astounding, and he had faith in the strength of his bones. Ben licked his lips and placed his walking stick near a boulder to his right. He continued on towards the cave, curious as to what he’d find inside. With a deep breath that agitated bruised ribs, thankfully the broken ones had already been healed, Ben reached out to make the climb.

Maybe he was trying to prove something to himself. Or perhaps he just wanted to see what his broken body was capable of. He’d survived drowning and memory loss. What was there to be afraid of? Ben Solo gripped the large rocks that gave better grip, pulling himself up, and ignoring any discomfort. His muscles were in working order, but he hadn’t used them in some time. He refused to turn back, even as he questioned his own sanity. He kept his eyes focused on the cave, on the goal before him, knowing without a doubt he was meant to be there. It called to him. 

Ben’s heart was pounding. Sweat poured down his face. He was careful to test for any loose rocks along the way. He hadn’t anticipated how steep the hike would get, but his body was holding up well, and he felt a slight thrill of adrenaline. Luke’s Force abilities were being fully tested as his bones continued to hold together. His palms still stung when he used them against the rocks, but he was the fool who’d not contemplated the need for gloves. It was amazing how agile he was. The Force helped him along, pushing him to continue when his nerves got the better of him. The cave was waiting. Ben needed to go there. It felt like the Force was tugging him upwards, and he willingly followed its lead.

Several days in bed had been more than enough for someone like Ben Solo. Luke had knitted together his damaged body, but insisted he rest even when he felt well enough to walk. He was testing himself in a way. The pain was minimal, and in some ways it just gave him more strength. He felt alive. He felt free. Ben Solo… invincible. It was man against nature once again. Instead of water, he’d challenged the earth this time. Dirt collected under his fingernails. Sweat dripped onto rock and moss. His shirt was soaked, his muscles protesting, and he would have loved a few sips of water as he endured the harsh sun. It would be worth it though. Achievement was always rewarded. He continued on.

Slowly the cave filled his gaze. A few steep rocks later and he was almost to the top. He paused to catch his breath and look down. No one could judge his cocky grin, not that there was anyone around to see it. He knew he’d feel sore later, but that was later, and this was now. This felt like proof. He’d met the challenge, assisted by the Force, and feeling stronger than ever. He was not glass. Ben turned towards the cave. It was dark despite the bright, cloudless day. The Force urged him to go inside. It was waiting for him. He didn’t even hesitate.

_He is cold. The damp and the dark surround him. His sweat makes him shiver as the warmth of the sun fades. The cave is old, and he can sense a sad story. A history better laid to rest, imprinted in the rock and stalagmite. The wound of dark energy pulses and vibrates, flowing through and around him. It brings discomfort, but his light does not shrink back from the intrusion. The Force swirls together with a strange balance, and he does not turn back. Ben knows he must be here, was meant to be here. There is something he needs to see, and only the cave can show him the way. In the shadows he hears a strange noise, like someone breathing through a mask, a breathing apparatus. It echoes around him. It feels familiar._

_His steps are careful as he follows the echo. A breath in. A breath out. The dead have heard this noise and cried out. It signals their doom, and they know this. The echo is no threat to him. He feels connection. The echoed breathing grows louder. “You’ve forgotten where you belong, **boy** ,” a voice booms from deep within the cave. The breathing. That voice. It’s like trailing a knife down his spine. Threatening, but it doesn’t pierce the skin. It won’t hurt._

_“Who are you?” he calls out to the voice. “How do I know you?” The voice has answers, and he recognizes this. The breathing grows faint, to a whisper. Ben quickens his steps, moving even deeper inside the cave, but the presence is leaving him, choked out by something else. Something worse._

_Everything feels darker, colder, and the knife on his spine digs in. Ben feels like he can’t breathe. His collar is low around his neck, but somehow it’s choking him. His stomach flutters with fear, because there is no bond with the presence that has discovered him. There is power and anger. Dominance over his will, ripping at him in ways he didn’t think were possible. His body is under attack. The sharp pressure building in his back and he cries out with a shudder, because there is nothing there, but he feels pain. So much of it._

_“I have never had a student with such **promise**.” A new voice croaks. He’s made a terrible mistake. Real fear fills him, and the icy chill seeps into his bones, making the fractures healed by the Force ache. Ben staggers backwards into the cave wall. He is overcome by dread. It wants him. The creature in the darkness is searching. Waiting. Scheming for his apprentice. The knife slashes even harder against his spine, and he’s shaking from the pressure and pain of this powerful mind that’s forever reaching out. “Where you are from… what you are made of.” Ben recoils because it’s coming from deeper in the cave, and he just wants to hide. He must hide. Must get away. Find a place where the voice won’t take him. So ancient and dark. He is surrounded by it like a snake slipping around his body for the final squeeze. He is running. Escaping. Back towards the cave’s entrance. “The dark side… and the light.”_

_“No!” Ben screams, closing his eyes, refusing to listen. He can’t breathe, but the pressure and pain against his spine fades. He leans against the rough walls of the cave, trying to breathe. Afraid he has not run far enough. The voice fades, receding back into the depths of the cave as the first had. It has left him. It has touched his mind and it **knows**. He wants to believe it’s over, but the cave is not done with him yet. The stillness does not last long. One more secret to reveal. One more memory to unlock. A red glow appears at the mouth of the cave, shedding its light through the darkness with a frightful buzz. It is fiery and familiar, and Ben turns towards it. A dark figure stands before him. His mask hides away all humanity. He is faceless. A monster. Ben stumbles away, tripping to the ground with a heavy thud, eyes wide in terror. His back throbs from the impact, but all he can do is stare at the creature towering over him._

_A gloved hand tightening around the hilt of his saber, and he senses this monster’s rage. His very presence offends the creature in the black mask. “Ben Solo… so foolish, like your father. Why won’t you just **die**?!”_

_The lightsaber rises, the dark figure ready to strike. Ben curls into a ball and shuts his eyes. Waiting for something that never comes. He feels like the ground will swallow him up. Waiting and waiting, but he still breathes. His chest rising and falling rapidly, heart beating so fast his fragile ribs can barely contain it. When he finally opens his eyes, searching, he sees the masked figure has found a new target. Ben’s eyes widen in shock and horror as red fire rips through the body of another man. This man is older, with gentle eyes and a light that flickers. He’s staring down at Ben with a hole in his chest, jaw open from the sudden pain. He’s dying. He’s falling. A hand reaching out towards him, but he’s too frightened to do the same. The vile creature fades away like smoke, and the old man drops to the ground onto his side._

_There is a moment in which memory does not matter. He knows, without knowing. He feels the devastation of this event. A violent rip inside him, with no idea of its source or origin. Ben scrambles towards him, turning him over on his back, and his hands won’t stop shaking as they grip his shirt. He’s dying, and there’s nothing to be done, but he can’t accept it. Won’t accept it. He’s crying, and it blurs his vision. Why is he crying? He does not know. He’s panicking, can barely breathe. Wrong, wrong, wrong. His mind races, fractures further apart._

_Only one thing repeats in his mind. He **can’t** die. Ben needs him. He needs him so much. The old man’s hand reaches out to touch Ben’s face, hand tracing the scar he doesn’t remember receiving. Ben will beg him. Will plead with him to survive this. “You have to stay with me! It’ll be okay! I’ll get Uncle Luke and Rey! They’ll save you like they saved me!” he promises._

_Eyes gaze up at him with such sorrow, his thumb wiping away the tears that manages to escape. “For-forgive me…” he croaks out with a grimace. “Forgive….” Eyes are closing. **‘No, no, no, don’t go!’** _

_Memories of this man refuse to surface, but his emotions rage with a hurt beyond understanding. He is losing something important. He is witnessing a death that will forever ruin him, eat him alive with grief. He leans into this man’s hand like it means something to him, like it’s everything, all he’s ever wanted. The body understands what the mind does not. He covers over the old man’s hand with his own, trying to hold on. It feels warm and comforting despite the roughness of callouses. He **knows** this touch._

_“Wait… no, no, no, no! Stay with me! Just stay with me! Please… please don’t….” A sob rips from deep inside where memories don’t matter. It feels sudden and violent with the agony of this moment. “You’ve got to hold on!”_

_Eyes flutter. Death settles over him like a dark cloud. The hand drops from his face, and his skin burns in its absence. Eyes shut. Gone. Ben feels him go and he snaps. Grief breaks him in half, tearing a scream from his lungs that’s powerful and raw. He shatters like glass in the darkness of the cave, head dropping over the hole in the old man’s chest. Disconnected, his emotions and his thoughts. He doesn’t grasp why this hurts so much. All he knows is this pain, unbearable. He is weakened. He is breaking. Overwhelmed by the loss of a stranger. His hands curl around the dead man’s shirt, clinging to him like a child, head buried in his chest. His body rocks back and forth, sobbing. He wasn’t allowed to cry before. He will cry now. He is a boy, a lost little boy holding on, begging for the old man not to leave him._

_A word slips out. A word he does not expect. His lips say the word before his mind is aware of its meaning. The secret that has now been unlocked. He understands. “Father….”_

*******

Ben opened his eyes, and winced under the harsh light in his eyes. His body shuddered, still cold from the cave. He must have passed out. A gentle hand slipped through his thick tresses idly massaging his hair. It felt incredibly soothing. He felt eager to return to oblivion. His muscles were already starting to feel sore, and his hands throbbed from reopened wounds during the climb. He turned his head towards the presence beside him, relieved to see Rey’s face. “How did you find me this time?” he asked, his voice was hoarse, and his throat dry.

Rey’s frown was deep as she stared down at him. “I could feel your distress. I had R2-D2 scan for your lifesigns. You missed lunch.”

Ben attempted a weak smile, tilting his head into her touch. He liked the way her nails scratched at his scalp. “It was probably just that awful rootleaf stew again anyway. Not sure why my uncle likes it.”

Rey’s answering smile at his teasing didn’t reach her eyes. He’d screwed up again, gone off and done something thoughtless, forcing her to save him. Of the two trials, Ben was certain he preferred the drowning. His mouth tasted like cotton. Rey must have noticed him trying to swallow. Her hand disappeared briefly as she gave him a cup of water, assisting him as he tried to sit up and drink. “What did you think you were doing in that cave?” she finally asked. She sounded like a mother, primed and ready to scold.

Thinking about it now, he wasn’t really sure what had possessed him to climb. It’d been dangerous and stupid. His body was still on the mend, and if not for his abilities, he might have severely damaged himself. It felt like he’d been willed there. He had made the journey to the cave because he felt compelled to go inside. He was looking for something, but Ben wasn’t sure what. Answers? He’d certainly got one or two. They weren’t the answers he wanted. If anything, he felt emptied out. Exhausted. His eyes ready to shut out the world and find a way to forget what he saw, what he felt. That cave was nothing but monsters and death. It’d chewed him up and spat him out, and all Ben’s bones felt broken again. He was fine. Physically he was fine. He was alive and breathing, but it felt more like a chore than a privilege.

Ben had forgotten her question. He didn’t bother to ask her to repeat it. “I saw something in that cave, Rey. Something monstrous.”

“What… did you see exactly?” she asked. Ben set down his drink and laid back on the bunk. He realized he was in the Falcon. Luke’s cottage would have been too far away. He was fairly sure these quarters are Rey’s, her bed. He shifted onto his side, ignoring the protesting of his sensitive ribs. She was staring down at him looking worried. Rey had been avoiding him most of the day, but it wasn’t Luke beside him. It was her, caressing his scalp again, bringing him comfort with all the care of a lover than a friend. He felt her floating along the edge of his conscious, not invading his thoughts, but watching over them as a guard. Not pushing, but encouraging. She was trying to give him peace.

“I don’t understand most of it. It felt like a vision, a powerful vision from the Force. It was terrifying. Horrible voices and mechanical breathing. I saw a man dressed in black. He wore a mask. And I saw…” Ben stopped, not quite sure how to explain it. A memory unlocked in his mind. “I remembered something. A painful memory. I get why you and Luke haven’t told me much about my life, but I need to know. My father didn’t just die, did he? He was killed by someone… a monster in a mask.”

Rey’s mouth opened with a hitch in her breath. He could tell his question brought her pain. Ben could see it in her eyes. She looked away. “We weren’t sure how to tell you after such a bad accident.”

“I saw it happen like I was there. The creature who killed him. I could tell he wanted to kill me too. My father… his chest was punctured by light and fire, and he dropped to the ground. I wanted to save him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop it. I just…” he shook his head, feeling sick to his stomach. “I wasn’t strong enough, Rey. He died in my arms because I wasn’t strong enough to save him.”

“No… no Ben, you can’t think that. You would have saved him if you could.” Her eyes were filling up with tears, and so were his. She kissed his forehead, palm caressing his face, where his scar was… the same half his father had touched. “You are… so much stronger than you know.”

He closed his eyes, but all he could see was his father lying on the ground with a hole in his chest. “If I’m so strong… why is my father dead?”

She didn’t seem to have an answer. Neither does Ben.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd kinda like to dedicate this chapter to my father. He died September of last year. He's the person that made me fall in love with Star Wars in the first place, and he was also the person that inspired me to take up writing. So I owe him a lot. I really hope you guys are enjoying this story. Once again... everything changes now.


	7. “Stay With Me Tonight”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, I'm updating once again to leave you with a kinder chapter. Much less angsty. You may have noticed I did change the rating. As I've been working on the story the characters kinda took over and made some decisions without my permission. ;)

**“Stay with me tonight  
Let your senses lose this fight  
In the open wilderness of love.  
Let me show you how  
You should never be without.  
So lay your weary hand on mine  
And I'll show you who this heart beats for” – Jon Bryant ‘Wilderness’**

She couldn’t bring herself to do it. She couldn’t tell him the truth about Han Solo’s death. The utter devastation on Ben’s face had been too much. Rey’s thoughts had been haunted by the bitter disgust in Kylo Ren’s eyes as he described killing his own father. She’d spent the entire morning replaying the dream in her head. His rage as he broke anything in his path. Kylo’s confusion and conflict over what actually happened and the lies Snoke had fed him for so long. 

It wasn’t until she’d actually seen him snap that she realized how deeply his own grief was tearing at him. It had never occurred to her that Kylo Ren had been absorbing Snoke’s attacks on Ben’s mental state like a lightening rod. It was no wonder he’d lost all control. Rey had watched him break everything around him till it looked just as ruined as his own soul. It’d been hard to watch. Impossible not to cry with him as he swore his hatred for Han. She didn’t believe him. Not for a second.

There were two broken souls inhabiting one body, mourning the death of their father, and she could not cope. Kylo Ren was a storm across the island, and Ben was the island being battered by the storm. Torn apart. Ripping at himself. Snoke wanted him like this. He’d been causing this torment from the start. Instead of balance, light and darkness warred in a battle that would destroy them both. The work Kylo Ren accomplished for Snoke was just collateral damage. Like aiming the resulting blast to take out the innocent as well as the target. It was horrific. Rey hadn’t thought it possible that such evil could exist. It wasn’t Kylo Ren that’d killed Han Solo on that bridge. It was Snoke. 

She’d given Ben something to help him sleep and escaped to the Falcon’s cockpit, hiding away in the silence. Somehow he’d found a way to wander straight into the lion’s den, and she wasn’t sure how it would affect him. Rey remembered the pull of the cave when she’d gone in. The Force revealed secrets through visions, and there was no doubt Ben was compelled to enter the cave for that purpose as well. Perhaps it was punishment for her own stubborn resistance to destiny’s plans. Through the bond, she’d felt Ben’s pain like a knife to the chest. One minute she’d been adding salt to Luke’s stew, and the next the stew lay soaking into the wood floor as she clutched her chest.

_‘Ben….’_

_Luke’s eyes went wide as he turned towards her. ‘I feel it too! Hurry!’_

Rey had found Ben lying face down in the dirt, hysterical. She’d made him sleep, like he’d once done to her, the day they first met. It was the only way to calm him. He simply could not be consoled. Now she knew why. The will of the Force would not be denied. Everything that was happening, such a wild series of events that could not be dismissed as coincidence… it was leading somewhere. Hand in hand Rey and Ben Solo were being pushed down a path so many others had tread upon.

Master Luke had described his own feelings to her once, about the call of destiny. How it was relentless and vicious if ignored. He’d told her that some people were not meant for anything, and they lived a life without such burdens. Force wielders were different. They were bound by different rules. Their knowledge came at a cost. The Force chose her for a purpose. _‘We connect to it because it **chose** us. We serve its will and it serves ours. It’s symbiotic. It’s everything.’_ How was it that Ben Solo understood something so simple, while she’d been clueless all this time?

“Rey.” Rey turned in her chair to see Luke standing at the entrance of the cockpit. He didn’t wait to be invited in. His eyes were solemn and she knew he was concerned for her, could probably sense the disturbance of her peace. He took a seat beside her, in Chewbacca’s chair. The moment he sat down he released a sigh, looking so tired. So often she’d begged and pleaded for his wisdom, for him to share his knowledge of the Force. Rey wondered if he’d ever been afraid to walk the path chosen for him. Were there ever doubts? Was there ever conflict? What was it like to stop resisting the inevitable? What was it like to let go?

Rey knew he was waiting. He’d come to her like he always did, because he was her teacher. He was her guide to the Force, to her path, and everything that was awaiting her once she walked it. “When I first came to you I dreamed of Ben Solo. I was afraid of him because it was Kylo Ren’s face, but he convinced me that he was different. In the beginning we would sit and he would tell me about all the horrors he’d witnessed, and was helpless to prevent.”

“Han Solo’s death triggered something inside Ben. Conflict was tearing him apart, and Han was the last rip. Light and darkness separated inside his soul, trapping Ben in his subconscious, while Kylo Ren took full control,” said Luke, nodding his understanding.

She could tell he wanted her to continue. Rey had been keeping secrets. “Every single time I dreamed it was Ben who came to me. Less than a month since it began, everything changed. He was distraught. Snoke was training Kylo Ren, punishing him for his failures, forging something stronger through his pain. Ben felt all of it. Experienced everything. He was so strong, Luke. I was the one crying, and he touched my face. He told me to be brave. He told me to work hard and train so that I could end this one day. Save the galaxy. I was falling apart and he said all the right things to put me back together again.” Her hands tugged on the edges of her shirt, playing with the fabric so she’d have something to look at. “I… I kissed him. It was just a dream, and it didn’t matter that he was Kylo Ren. All I saw in those moments was Ben.”

“Rey.” She closed her eyes in shame. She wasn’t sure what she expected from her master. Would he be disappointed by her weakness? Would he scold her for this lack of control? She’d made such a mess, and the consequences of her dreams were now felt in reality. “Rey look at me.” With a sigh, she lifted her gaze to his. He was smiling. “I see so much of myself in you, Rey. You give me hope. No student of mine has ever done that before.”

She felt confused. Stunned. Her eyes wrinkled in confusion. “The life of a Jedi is a life without attachments. I’m not supposed to…” she paused and shook her head. “How am I supposed to help the Resistance when all I can think about are these feelings?! My attachment to Ben Solo brought Kylo Ren to us! His memory may be gone, but now it’s Kylo in my dreams, and I should hate him, but I don’t! He’s not evil or wicked! He’s just broken! He’s out of balance! Snoke has been ripping at him all his life! He killed Han Solo, but it was his father asking Kylo for forgiveness! He’s not the monster I thought he was! He deserves better than this!” Rey’s mouth snapped shut and her left palm pressed against her lips. It was the only way to stop. She closed her eyes again, but Luke had gotten up and kneeled down at her feet. He pulled her hand down, and she opened her eyes.

“I told you… I told you the Jedi must end, Rey. How can you still not understand? You _see_ , Rey. You see what others can’t. You see into Ben’s soul, his spirit… the darkness and the light. He called for you because you were able to reach something inside him that not even Han Solo could touch. You need to embrace that. Nothing has ever been more important. When I saw the black shadow of my father in all his rage, I had to look past the mask. I had to forget everything else, and find the man still clinging to life. The Emperor was trying to erase everything that Anakin Skywalker was, but he couldn’t erase me! I was the spark of resistance that reignited his light. Not even Darth Vader’s master could destroy something as powerful as love.”

Her eyes widened at the word, but she said nothing. She could not deny nor confirm. “What do I do?” she asked instead.

Luke’s hands held hers, and he leaned down to kiss them, the scruff of his beard scratching at her skin. “Be the spark. Snoke won’t be able to stop you. Be the spark that reignites his light. Give him balance, and watch him put himself back together again. _That_ is your destiny. From the moment I met you there was never any doubt. He needs you. You need him too.”

As she looked down at her master, Rey thought about Kylo Ren in her arms. It didn’t make her recoil or shudder. She’d already forgiven him for the terrible things he’d done. Ben’s dark side was supposed to be simple, something evil and wicked, a two dimensional concept that she could despise without question. Kylo Ren was supposed to be malevolent. Instead, he’d kissed her, looked into her eyes and kissed her lips like she was the air he breathed. She hadn’t pulled away. He’d told her he’d never abandon her, because even through his own pain he still understood and acknowledged hers. The monster didn’t seem quite so hideous anymore, and she hadn’t known how to process that at the time.

Luke spoke of balance. Ben needed his dark side, just as Kylo Ren needed his light. Ben could control Kylo’s passions, and Kylo’s power could surely be used against their true enemy… Snoke. That would be his balance. This galaxy depended on it, and she would be there. His protector against the cruel master that had started all this. “I do need him,” she admitted. She’d spent so much time fighting that, but she understood this struggle between mind and heart.

There was a darkness inside her as well, a burning anger at her family for leaving her behind to be forgotten. There were times back on Jakku while she’d been scratching another line into durasteel, when her eyes would take in every single day. There were too many lines. Too many days in which she hadn’t mattered enough to be retrieved. She’d found herself asking why she was left behind, why she wasn’t important enough to be with her family, why days and months had become years of unbearable loneliness. _‘At night… desperate to sleep.’_ Kylo was desperate to sleep too. Were they really so different? He needed her, and she needed to be needed… to be wanted… to belong somewhere. 

Kylo saw himself as unloved, and so had she. Kylo believed the galaxy would see him faded and forgotten. He was clawing against it. Fighting to survive. For so long Rey had fought for survival, searching for scraps she could make shine like new again. She had an eye for value, and that eye served her well now. She was beginning to see it on Kylo’s skin. The scars, like rust, but that was a problem that could be fixed. Kylo Ren could be salvaged if she actually bothered to try. There was something worse out there, and fate knew how to fix it, was urging her to fix it. All the training, this deep connection with Snoke’s protégé… their pain was an opportunity for growth. It would make them stronger… stronger than Snoke. 

Luke Skywalker was smiling proudly. She’d never expected that. “There’s nothing more I can teach you, Rey. Trust your feelings. Trust the Force.”

*******

They’d decided to speed up their plans of leaving Ahch-To after Ben’s experience in the cave. Most of her master’s things were packed away, and there really wasn’t any reason to wait. Rey had asked Luke to pilot the ship with Chewbacca so she could keep an eye on Ben Solo. He’d slept for quite some time, and therefore was wide awake despite the late hour. She hadn’t been so eager to sleep either, so instead they sat side by side in the forward hold.

Rey had offered to listen if he needed to talk, about his visions in the cave. She was feeling much more centered since telling Luke the truth. Ben had insisted he felt much better, and was eager to discuss anything else. Only they hadn’t discussed anything at all since they’d settled in the forward hold. Instead, Ben ignored her completely in favor of the ancient text of the Je’daii Order.

She envied his ability to read and understand the material. Whatever wisdom Solo gained from the books would surely help restore him as a powerful Jedi with the Force. He was strangely alluring with his nose deeply buried into his studies. She watched him as he absent-mindedly bit his lip when he found something especially interesting. His thumb and forefinger would stroke the corners of each page, eager to continue on and learn more, if only his eyes would take the knowledge in faster. Her eyes would travel to his neck, watching his adam’s apple move when he swallowed, reminded of the nights she’d spent nipping at the skin just above it until he groaned.

Rey closed her eyes, forcing her breathing to normalize. “I must admit, when I first met you, I never thought one day I’d be sitting beside you being ignored while you immerse yourself in the ancient writings of a society long forgotten.”

Ben blinked, finally looking up at her. “I uh…” he immediately placed something in the book and shut it, setting it aside. “I’m sorry. I know it seems absurd, but the knowledge is addictive. When I’m reading them… I feel like a complete person. I’m not an empty vessel anymore. I’ve filled my mind with the wisdom of the ancients, and that’s so much more important than wondering what my mother looks like.”

Intellectually, she realized Ben Solo had lost his memories, but it still surprised her when he expressed the questions looming in his mind about his past. Rey should have anticipated this. How many times had she baked in Jakku’s sun, daydreaming about the faces of her parents? She thought about what they would wear, their interactions with each other, their distinct personality traits that would directly relate to Rey’s own. In front of them, the forward hold contained all the personal items Luke had chosen to bring. Rey had helped him pack, occasionally asking questions, or letting her own curiosity get the better of her. Rey recalled a smaller box that held some of Luke most precious possessions. One specific thing came to mind.

Rey didn’t say a word. She pushed herself up to her feet and walked over to the small pile, eyes searching through a few larger containers. “Do you remember cataloging a small box? It was made of wood with a crudely carved symbol on the top, half a circle with a narrow triangle coming from the middle.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Ben asked, dragging himself off the floor to follow her. He kept a comfortable distance, just watching her reaching into containers and sift through Luke’s things.

“There’s something in it that I want to show you. I packed it myself. Where did you put it?”

Ben walked over to an open container, the one he’d retrieved the books from. Rey turned and watched as he looked inside, reaching deep down and pulling out the very box she’d been trying to find. His hands dipped into the carved symbol, and she suspected he’d seen it before. Rey flashed him a smile and rushed over to take it, returning to the corner where they’d been sitting together. Ben reluctantly followed, folding his legs and watching her open it. “I’m not sure we should be rifling through my uncle’s things,” he pointed out.

Rey waved off his protest, grasping the small holopad that sat right where she’d left it. She set aside the box and activated the holopad. She’d discovered it was an album the moment she activated it, trying to satisfy her nosiness. She’d only turned it on to see if it was anything important, surprised to discover pictures programed into the device of Luke Skywalker’s family and friends during the days of the Empire. It was very old, and a bit glitchy, but the pictures were perfect for satisfying Ben’s desire to see what his family looked like. The first picture appeared of a very young looking Skywalker standing next to his twin sister. They both seemed distracted by something off to their left, but it was a gorgeous capture of General Organa in her youth.

Ben’s eyes were wide as he leaned forward to get a better look. Rey watched the emotions flutter across his face. Wonder, surprise, amusement, joy, and maybe even love for this woman he still knew nothing about. Ben drank it all in like a child watching colorful fireworks for the very first time. His fingers reached out for the holopad, but hesitated and dropped to his lap. “Is… that her? My mother?”

Rey nodded. “General Organa now, but this was when she was young. I think this was a short time before the end of the last great war… with the Empire.”

“Empire?”

“The government in control before the Republic. Your mother and father were freedom fighters, rebels.”

Ben’s lips curled, and Rey had a feeling he liked the sound of that. “She’s beautiful. Absolutely breath-taking,” he whispered, his voice so soft, filled with a fondness for someone he couldn’t even remember. “She looks strong… like you.”

He always knew how to make her blush, and Rey leaned in close to him as she switched over to the next picture. It was of Han Solo and Leia Organa this time. His arms were wrapped around her, his face half buried in the crook of her neck in an intimate gesture of love and affection. The couple were smiling wide (though Han’s smile was mostly hidden). They looked so happy, and Rey’s heart ached to think about how things would end between them. Love like that wasn’t supposed to be sad or filled with regrets. She still remembered the pain in Leia’s eyes when Rey told her about how Han died. All she’d wanted was her family back. That was impossible now.

Ben’s eyes had softened at the picture, and Rey knew he was thinking about his father. “He loved her then… he must have.”

“She loved him too. Desperately.” Her eyes flickered to Ben for a moment, something strange fluttering in her stomach. She forced her gaze back towards the holopad and switched to the next picture. Luke was in this one. Han Solo’s arm was slung over Luke’s shoulder, like an older brother, face twisted like he just barely tolerated the young Jedi. She couldn’t help but laugh. To her, Luke Skywalker had been a mysterious legend, a grand hero so far above what was normal. These were pictures that humbled him, made him human, flesh and blood. Master Luke was her age once, with worries and fears he’d learned to conquer, and a destiny he’d yet to understand.

Rey switched to yet another picture, and her smile faded. It must have been taken after the Empire had fallen. Han Solo was holding a toddler in his hands, held high above his head, but a tiny hand was reaching out for his face. Han was smiling, but the child’s eyes spoke of urgency, too far away from the face of his father. Little Ben looked so eager to be held close. She could hear Ben take a deep breath, but he didn’t look upset. His eyes were wide. “I remember.”

“What?”

Ben was leaning in closer to the picture, his voice filled with awe as he explained himself. “Flashes. I get them sometimes. He used to do it all the time. I would tell him I was the Falcon flying, and he’d pick me up high over his head. Eventually, I’d get tired of it though. I’d start whimpering and crying because I was up too high, and he’d pull me back down towards his chest. My hands were always touching his face like a blind man trying to memorize the shape of him. I guess it was comforting….”

It was a good memory, much less sad than the picture floating before them. She watched Ben smile fondly at his father, innocent to how drastically things had changed as the little toddler grew up and life got progressively more complicated. She wondered if these were the memories Han had held onto when he went to confront Kylo Ren. Ben cleared his throat, and she turned back to the holopad, switching to another picture. It was the last one on the data disk. A family photo with everyone. Leia’s arms were wrapped around her young son. Han Solo was on one side, and Luke on the other. Everyone was smiling but Ben. There were circles around his eyes like he hadn’t been sleeping. Kylo Ren had told her Snoke had been an influence since birth. Invading dreams, in visions, even a visit in person once or twice. Like a monster living under little Ben’s bed… whispering in the night as he struggled to sleep.

The man beside her looked away from the picture, sitting back against the wall. He couldn’t look at it anymore. “Turn it off, please.”

She did as she was told. Rey set the holopad aside and took in Ben’s face, searching to make sure he was okay. She could tell he wasn’t. “Ben?”

He shook his head, as if to ask her to let it be. Whatever he was thinking about, he didn’t want to share it just yet. She refused to push him. Instead she reached over and took his hand in hers. Their fingers interlocked, and the telepathic bond between them hummed in the back of her mind. She felt his joy and his sadness. His pain and his relief. “Thank you,” he finally spoke. She knew he meant it.

“You’re welcome.”

*******

_Normally when she reaches awareness, she is far removed from Kylo Ren. They appear on opposite sides of the room. They are distant, tensions passing between them, filled with aggression and discontent. This time it is different. He’s lying beside her on the bed. Their eyes take in the ceiling together, not touching, not moving, but so close. Her mind recoils for a moment, a natural inclination based on instinct._

_They are fully clothed except for their bare feet. She’s wearing dark brown slacks that have slipped low on her hips to reveal a sliver of stomach. Her shirt is a V-neck that cuts low between her breasts, and is bunched up too high around the middle. The material is cotton, and comfortable against her skin. Kylo is wearing the pants she’d seen on Ben, the ones that used to belong to Han Solo, with the stripe down the side, and that undershirt that reveals his thick shoulders and biceps. It all feels incredibly intimate, but he does not take advantage. Kylo Ren has pressed against her boundaries more than once, but there are some lines he would never cross in this place. Only with her permission._

_She feels a calmness settle between them that was never there before. The lines are beginning to blur even more. As Ben remembers his pain, Kylo finds more peace. Rey has never seen him like this. “You’re the reason Ben never remembers his dreams… aren’t you.”_

_Rey watches his chest rise and fall. No expression on his face. He stares up, chocolate brown eyes focusing on some point that does not exist. “I would have appreciated it… if he’d done me the same curtesy.”_

_The words are a farce. He will not tell her the real reason. There is a part of Kylo that wants to be Ben Solo. She can tell. It’s why he’s so angry. It’s why the darkness feeds and overwhelms him. And Ben, he did not hold back the dreams from Kylo. His only means of communication with the one who’d tried to destroy him. “I think he wanted you to see and listen. I think he wanted you to know how it felt to touch me.”_

_Kylo’s eyes close, lips pressing together as if he is suppressing an emotion. Control. “I felt **everything** , Rey.” His voice is a shuddered whisper. It is filled with defeat. She cannot stand it. His loneliness. His sorrow over the death of his father. He is fading. It’s not what she wants. It’s not what Ben Solo needs. _

_She decides to take a risk. Rey thinks about destiny. She thinks about the Force and her feelings for a man who has been ripped in half. She thinks about how many times she’d wished someone would end her loneliness when she’d toss and turn in the night. Her hand is shaking as fingers drag against the sheets until they reach warm skin. It’s a dream, playing out reality, her hand slipping into his as if it belongs there. She can hear his breathing change, like just this small gesture has changed his world around. He holds her hand like a flower, afraid he might crush it if he loses control._

_When they touch she can feel him. He aches for the sensation. His own isolation is choking him, and her hand is loosening the noose around his neck. She can’t stand it. The desperation rotting away at his insides, his body numb and disintegrating. Rey knows why Kylo Ren cannot remain buried. He cannot die, only fester into something ugly and dangerous. He is all the truths that stay buried, the shame and fears, the skeleton in the closet. He is the dark side that is never acknowledged because it’s the part no one wants to see. It rages in anxieties and attacks, shutting the body down system by system. Kylo will not be silenced. The worlds will shake apart before he allows himself to be destroyed. Accepting him will bring peace and balance. It is the only way._

_Rey feels the dark side, but does not fear it. She feels its power, but is not tempted by it. She simply acknowledges it. She gives it a voice. She allows it to exist because it always has and always will. One day Ben will do the same, but he doesn’t know how just yet. Rey turns her head, and Kylo is staring at her. His eyes travel down her face, and they settle at her lips. “Something’s changed.”_

_“In the light, there is a darkness and in the darkness, a light. It is the way with us all,” the words coming to her. Rey hadn’t understood before, what they meant. She knew now._

_Kylo blinks at her. “You would have the darkness destroyed, Rey. Everyone’s scared of the dark.”_

_She used to be afraid. “I’m not afraid anymore.”_

_“Why?”_

_Rey shifts in the bed, closer and on her right side to face him. Her left hand touches the scar across his face. His eyes close tight, so still, her finger following the line over his eye, down his cheek, his neck. She let’s her hand rest on his chest. If she tries, she can feel how rapidly his heart beats. “Why is it we go to sleep in the dark? We give ourselves over to it every night. We trust it to keep us safe until the light comes back. It’s not there to harm us. It surrounds us. Sometimes people get hurt in the dark, but that’s not what it wants. It’s a balance. It has purpose. Light and darkness. Day and night.” This time it is her that looks down at his lips. She knows what she must do. What she wants to do more than anything. Kylo Ren is an important part of Ben Solo, the part no one wanted. She won’t let that continue. It’s only led to suffering and pain. She wants this, because she wants him. All of him. Whole._

_A deep breath. Anticipation in Kylo’s eyes. He’s waiting to see what she will do. She sees hope. Kylo Ren or Ben Solo… one in the same. She dives forward and captures his lips in a gentle kiss. Rey needs him to understand, and words will never do. Kylo is passion and emotion, and he only recognizes truth when presented the way he knows best. Her hands glide to his hair as she draws him against her. Kylo goes so eagerly, rolling on his side to face her fully. Their kiss grows heavy, deeper. He tastes her, teeth and tongue, his own hand reaching out for her without a clue where to settle itself. She can feel his thumb graze the underside of her breast, but it goes no further._

_Rey isn’t sure what she anticipated. Perhaps she worried she would not find him pleasing. Would guilt eat at her for touching this darkness living inside Ben? The monster. The villain. She finds none of those things. He is a burst of color. He is the epitome of desire. His lips are wet as he shifts to taste her skin. Attention drawn to her neck, sucking hard, teeth scratching her skin like a warning or a threat. Kylo’s other hand let’s go of her own. His body moving to press her into the bed, hovering, exploring. He wants to be as close to her as possible, starved of affection for far too long. He’s insatiable, and her skin feels overheated. Why are they wearing these clothes?_

_Rey gasps as his hand is finally bold enough to touch her chest. He isn’t as gentle, but she finds she likes it. His mouth slants against hers again. He seems to enjoy kissing her. His tongue dueling with hers as if their still fighting, and he doesn’t mind who wins. His lips are soft, moaning into her mouth, chest pressed so hard against her she can almost feel his heart beating against hers. He pulls back for a breath, nose nuzzling at her neck. “Rey,” he whispers against her skin, making her shiver. “Would Ben approve of this?” he questions, his voice so deep and rough. Even now she can feel his hesitation. He needs her, but he doesn’t trust it. He’s not ready to believe the light could mix with darkness._

_She bites her bottom lip, her hip thrusting up against his hardness. “I don’t know, would you?” she asks._

_He pulls away from her neck with a huff, his eyes are dark, almost black. “I’m not **him** ,” he insists through gritted teeth. She wonders if he believes she’s settling. Reaching out for a fantasy because the reality has forgotten her. There’s a danger in this moment. He would never reject her, but Rey knows he is wary of her intentions. His instinct is to question motives. With Snoke as a master, it’s no wonder he doubts her. _

_Rey’s hand cups the back of his neck. She forces her brain to work properly, just for a moment. “You will always be him, Kylo… and he will always be you. I want this… with **you**. Kylo Ren. Don’t you dare think any different. You said the dark side is passion. Show me.” She pulls him down for another kiss to seal her words. It seems to do the trick. She feels the tension in his body melt away as he presses her into the mattress. His body is heavy and solid, hard muscle grinding against her. She has given him permission, and he finally let’s go in the dark. He is not a monster. He is a **beast**._

_What happens next is dizzying. His hands tug at her clothes with no regard for the material. She hears them rip and tear around her, their only sin is being a barrier between his mouth and her skin. He wants all of her. His mouth begins a trail of wet kisses down her body. Rey almost whimpers when he moves to suck at her breast. His tongue curls around the nipple, and her mind goes blissfully blank._

_Kylo travels further down. Teeth scrap against her stomach, and her body jerks. He moves to the other side and sucks at her ribs, nose nuzzling the underside of her breast. She feels his hands dragging down her hips and pressing her down. She can only grip the blanket underneath her, eyes fluttering closed. “Kylo… please,” she begs as his tongue drifts down across her stomach again. His hands press her thighs open wide, holding them down into the bed with such force Rey’s eyes snap open. She can feel the cool air against her wetness, and it’s mixing with his heated breath. She looks down at him just as he’s looking up._

_Something passes between them, a moment that lasts no longer than a second, but feels like eternity. Through their connection she can sense his emotions. He wants to tell her something. He doesn’t know how. The emotions are all he has, and even he doesn’t fully understand them. This isn’t just about pleasure or sexual gratification. There’s a genuineness in his eyes that reminds her of Ben. There’s a flicker of beauty in the darkness, and his eyes sparkle in her presence._

_“Kylo… I-”_

_“Do not speak,” he growls, shifting his gaze as he descends on her. Lips, teeth, and tongue. Rey’s chest arches up, eyes open wide, jaw slack as she cries out. She had no idea. He does not hold back. He tastes her fervently with his tongue. Lips make a seal as he sucks at her clit, and thick fingers slip inside. Rey can’t breathe. Can’t think. This is so much more than she expected. She hears him groan as he devours her, uttering one word with raw emotion. “Mine….”_

**To Be Continued**


	8. “Keep Holding On”

**“Keep holding on  
When my brain's tickin' like a bomb  
Guess the black thoughts have come again to get me  
Sweet little words  
Unlike nothing I have heard  
Sing along mocking bird  
You don't affect me” – Korn ‘Coming Undone’**

“Morning.”

The loud crash of Rey dropping the tool in her hands made Ben pause mid stride. She wasn’t usually so jumpy. He watched as she cursed under her breath, bending down to peek into the maintenance access with a mixture of displeasure and panic. He wasn’t sure what she’d been holding, but her eyes were wide like she’d just lost someone’s child and wasn’t sure how she’d tell the parents. Ben quirked an eyebrow as Rey ran her hands through her hair leaning back away from the access with a defeated sigh.

“Everything okay?” he questioned. He could tell she was tense. Despite the well-rested glow of her skin, her back was unusually straight, eyes darting around her with a skittishness he’d never seen before. They’d be landing on Tatooine soon, and he wondered how she felt about hiding out on a desert planet. She’d told him a little about life on Jakku, which had a very similar climate. He could only imagine what she’d had to endure, being alone for such a long time. Ben knew very little about Luke’s planet of origin, but his uncle hadn’t sounded very fond when recounting memories of moisture farms, hardened criminals, and cantinas filled with low-life scum eager to pick a fight. His uncle made the planet seem like hell. Skywalker had promised they would keep to the outskirts to avoid trouble and unwanted attention.

Rey lifted her head to look at Ben, but her face was turning red, and she was definitely breathing a little heavier. “Fine, perfectly fine! I uh… just lost and have possibly broken one of your father’s priceless maintenance tools, but I’m sure Chewbacca will be kind when he rips my arms off.”

He laughed at the thought. “The Wookie would sooner tear me to bits than you, Rey. Bad night?” he asked casually. It was a pity if that was the problem. He, on the other hand, had never felt so refreshed. No bad dreams, not that he could ever recall them. However it wasn’t hard to draw conclusions. It’d been a little embarrassing to wake up with a mess in his shorts, but he didn’t mind the endorphins still flooding his system.

“Bad night?” Rey shook her head. “Of course not… I uh… it was… intense, I suppose.” She looked away, clearing her throat. “Unexpected. I uh… I should… I need a drink,” she muttered as she threw her hands in the air and headed for the galley. 

Ben watched her leave, lips curled into a fond smile. She looked so flustered, and he found it endearing. His eyes followed her escape towards the galley, before he returned his focus to the fresh steam rising from his mug. He took a sip of his kaffe and dropped down clumsily at the holochess table. He wondered if there was a way he could salvage whatever tool she’d dropped into the gaping hole of pipes and wires. He’d have to check after he finished his cup. Ben leaned forward on his elbows, accidently activating the game, and a wide variety of colorful creatures covered the board in various stages of play. A memory struck him. 

_‘We only get a set amount of days in this galaxy, kid. I’d like to think my only son would want to spend at least some of them playing with his old man.’_

_‘It’s just a game, father.’_

_‘It’s never just a game….’_

Such a young child then, but already jaded by the nightmares and shadows that kept him up at night. A father was supposed to be a hero to his boy, but Ben only ever saw disappointment. Han Solo was just a rogue smuggler clumsily surviving one catastrophe after the next. His life consisted of simple things like fast ships, business deals, and the thrill of trouble on his heels. His quick temper put them at odds constantly, with Ben’s mother playing the role as diplomat. 

Ben Solo’s strength in the Force had opened his eyes to grander things far beyond Han’s simple views on life. They drifted further and further apart as the years continued. Ben’s fascination with destiny and power circled his thoughts like the voice in his head, and Han’s words of wisdom often fell on deaf ears. Han Solo didn’t know about the Force. He didn’t comprehend what it was like to feel the energies bow to his will, to reach out and change his world with a thought. As the distance grew, so did the time Han spent away from his family. His father’s pathetic attempts at bonding were consistently shot down. Eventually, his father would give up completely, and Ben would hate him for it.

“Ben?”

His eyes lifted from the holochess table to see Rey standing over him with a mug of her own. He wondered how long he’d been lost in thought. The memories sank into his gut and pulled apart his good mood like a black hole. The more gems he discovered of his life, the more he was starting to suspect the treasure was cursed. The boy with dark circles around his eyes had a secret, and it’d been crushing him for so long he’d eventually fractured under the strain. No one noticed. So many smiling faces and no one noticed his frown.

Rey walked to the other side of the curved bench and slid down next to him. She turned off the table and the monsters flickered and faded. “Hey... sorry about before.” Her voice was careful, like she could tell something was happening and she wasn’t sure what he could handle. “I had a lot on my mind.”

Ben shook his head, as if the motion could somehow dispel the dark mood that’d sudden fallen over him, and forced a smile. Realizing how pathetic he must look, he took a sip of his drink, savoring the burning liquid as it slid down his throat. “I’m sorry about that tool. Maybe I can help you fetch it from the access,” he offered, refusing to dwell much longer on bad memories. 

Rey’s hand reached for his leg under the table, just a brief caress before she returned her focus on her own drink. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll make it up to Chewie somehow.”

He was sure the Wookie would forgive her. He had a soft spot for her, looking after her needs loyally. Sometimes he would see the way Rey smiled at the fury giant, and Chewbacca would wrap an affectionate arm around her. He’d engulf her like a blanket. It wasn’t exactly jealousy that flickered in the back of his mind when he’d watch them interact, but part of him wondered what he’d done that was so evil, that prevented him from receiving that kind of warmth.

His uncle was attentive when the need arose, but there was a subtle distance, a wall between them that would never be lowered or torn down. Chewbacca tolerated Ben like an animal infested with fleas. Even the funny old droid clung to the others and ignored nearly all of his requests. It wasn’t obvious before when he’d been stuck in the small alcove of Luke’s cot. Being on the Falcon had opened his eyes. He was an outsider despite every memory telling him this was where he’d once spent his life. Perhaps even then he hadn’t really belonged. Ben wondered if he would ever find such a place.

“Ben, what’s wrong?” Rey finally pressed. He was struggling to cling to the pleasant mood he’d had when he woke up. Losing his memories had been like taking apart a puzzle. Slowly he would find the pieces and put them together, but the picture wasn’t what he’d imagined. Innocence really was blissful.

Then there was Rey. Beautiful, thoughtful, and always so understanding. Maybe it was the strange bond they shared, but she was never far from his mind and heart. Everyone else hovered at a distance, but she sank into him like soothing aloe. “The Wookie hates me,” he finally admitted, and he felt stupid for saying the words out loud. It just sounded so childish and overly sensitive. “It’s ridiculous that it should bother me, but it does.”

“He doesn’t hate you. You are Han Solo’s son. Chewie watched you grow up.” 

Ben hadn’t really told her how much he was starting to remember, but it was hard to ignore the darkness spilling into his thoughts like poison. Something was happening to him, very slow, but undeniable. He feared who he would become when his mind was full again. “He and Uncle Luke know something about me. Acting like you love someone is a skill. Emotions that strong are difficult to emulate because trust is involved. You have to believe that the person looking into your eyes would never drop you when you fall. Deep down, you have to understand what the world would look like when they’re not in it. It has to _hurt_ , Rey. I see the way Uncle Luke and Chewbacca are with you and there’s no doubt you’re beloved by them. I’m not sure there’s a soul alive that wouldn’t fall for your charms.” He watched her cheeks turn red, and chewed at the inside of his check. It was moments like that… her blushing, that made him waver most. “When they look at me… I… I see something damaged. I see fault lines that have already been exploited.”

“Ben-”

He knew she was ready to argue, but he dismissed whatever lies would follow. “Don’t tell me I’m imagining it, Rey!” He wasn’t used to snapping at her. He took a sip of his drink to calm his nerves.

Rey was staring at him. She was doing that thing with her bottom lip when she worried about him. “You’re remembering.” He didn’t miss the disappointment in her voice. It spoke louder than words ever could. Ben swirled the brown liquid in his cup, taking comfort in the motion, watching it slosh around as gravity and force dictated. It was simple and elegant. Science in motion. It reminded him of the oceans on Ahch-To. Words crawled out of his mouth without permission, needing to unburden himself of these darkened memories. 

“The more I remember, the more I wish I could forget again. Everything felt so bright for a moment, but its murky now. There’s a heaviness when I breathe. When I close my eyes I see that little child being held up by his father, so desperate to be held close, but so determined to push away. I see the boy that won’t smile in a picture because there’s something lurking behind his eyes that a mother’s touch can’t solve. I remember the voice that echoed in the cave. It’s always been there even when my parents weren’t. It’s all I know. It repeats and repeats, and I can’t drown it out. I don’t want to drown it out, cause I believe it. I know it. I **feel** it, and no one else understands. Always whispering. That voice. Programming me. _The Supreme Leader is wise_.” Ben shuddered in horror and withdrew from the table in a flash, tipping over his mug and watching it begin to stain. Something was in his head again, in the back of his throat, scratching and clawing its way to the surface. He was losing control.

He could tell by Rey’s expression that he’d said something very wrong. Someone or something was calling to him, had been since he’d entered that cave. It was still such a faint whisper but it was getting stronger, becoming more aware. His hands slipped through his hair and he tugged, as if somehow it were possible to get the evil out, to remove whatever it was slithering inside his brain. “Ben, you have to calm down.” She spoke like a soldier talking to a suicide bomber. Or maybe he was the bomb. Something destructive and dangerous, cleverly hidden in an attractive case no one would notice. One click and he’d explode. She’d be the first one caught in the blast.

Ben closed his eyes tight and took a breath. Another. He thought about Rey. He thought about his mother’s face as she relaxed in his father’s arms. He thought about the subtle rain on Ahch-To soothing him to sleep. The dark behind his eyes began to fade to a more comfortable gray. His hands loosened their grip on his locks, letting his scalp relax against his skull. “I’m sorry… sorry. I… I didn’t mean to scare you like that.” He rubbed at his face before letting his arms drop in defeat. He wanted to be stronger than this. He wanted to be like Rey. To make her proud of him, or something. He wasn’t really sure. He didn’t have any memories of ever feeling like this about a woman.

Rey avoided the spill, her own drink left on the table next to his empty one. Her hands touched his face with more tenderness than he was prepared for. When he looked into her eyes he saw no hints of doubt or distance; just full and complete trust. She was pulling him towards her, and he’d never been so certain of anything in his life. He went willingly. His arms wrapped around her, head ducked down into the curve of her neck. It was terrible for his back and he gladly endured the strain on his spine. Ben tried to ignore that brief moment when his lips pressed against soft skin and she shivered. Her arms slipped around his waist, willing to hold on for as long as he needed. It was just a hug, but it felt incredibly intimate.

Her touch conjured a need that heated his chest till it was too tight to breathe. This desperation inside him that it would be impossible to let her go now. Rey’s scent seeped into him, earthy like flowers fleshly planted in the ground, but mixed with the salt air of Ahch-To. Maybe if he held her tight enough they’d become one person and his skin wouldn’t feel like open wounds in need of stitching. “What’s happening to me, Rey?” His voice was quiet and unsteady. 

“Nothing we can’t face together, you and I. We’re connected, and you can’t be afraid, Ben. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Ben’s grip on her tightened, pressing his forehead against her temple. “I trust you.” The words were a substitute for something else, the thing he really wanted to tell her. He knew she wasn’t ready for that. Neither was he.

*******

From the cockpit Ben could make out the landscape of Tatooine. There was very little to admire. Canyons and rocky bluffs. Shades of brown baking under the twin suns. His uncle was right. This place was hell. He already missed the oceans of Ahch-To (and that was saying something). He couldn’t stop thinking about the sharp contrasts of deep blue and dark green land, so beautiful in the end. There would be no gentle rain to lull him to sleep on this world; only sand storms pelting fragmented rock at the windows. “You… really grew up here?” he asked Uncle Luke, unable to hide his distaste.

Luke turned to smile at his nephew from behind Chewie. Rey was focused on finding a good place to land in one of the larger spaceports of Mos Eisley. Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca were planning to stay in the city and make contact with Resistance informants that might know how to locate their newest base. It was possible it would take weeks for contact to be made, and they’d need to keep close to the Falcon. Ben and Rey would be keeping to the outskirts, though Luke hadn’t actually told him where they’d be staying. “I did warn you that it wasn’t much to look at.”

Mos Eisley wasn’t that impressive either. Round domes decorated the tops of most buildings, cantinas, and shops. Creatures of all shapes and sizes filled the streets, and blended into the sands beneath their feet. Ben had never seen so many various shades of brown in all his life… well, the little bit of life he could remember. He silently hoped the Resistance had found a better place to hide from the First Order. “What if you can’t make contact with anyone in the Resistance? Or worse, what if spies from the First Order discover you?” he questioned, worried they’d be stuck on the planet longer than anticipated.

“There’s always that chance, but you and Rey will be quite safe. I’ve kept a property here on the outskirts in case I ever needed to go into hiding.”

“Yet somehow you chose Ahch-To over the delightful deserts of Tatooine. You truly are a mystery, uncle.”

Luke chuckled, leaning back in his chair as Rey carefully landed the Falcon. “Chewie and I will arrange to take you to the outskirts. You two should remain here. The less you are seen, the better.”

Rey was busy shutting down the Falcon as Chewbacca and Skywalker exited the cockpit and walked through the access corridor. Ben’s eyes followed them as they left before he turned back towards Rey. She was keeping herself busy by doing engine checks to make sure their trip hadn’t blown any fuses. The ship was old, with enough quirks to leave them stranded if they weren’t paying attention. She seemed fond of the Falcon, and Ben watched as her hands glided over the controls like she belonged. A skilled pilot, and quite knowledgeable when it came to repairs. Even in these small things, she astounded him.

“You belong there… in that chair,” he observed.

Her chair spun around so she could see him better. “This ship should belong to you. It _was_ your father’s.”

“Not everything should be passed from one generation to the next. Sometimes it’s about the right person, not the right genetic codes.” Ben’s eyes lifted, eyes cataloging buttons and switches, lights and computer screens. Memories skimmed his mind of a little boy on his father’s lap being taught what each console was for. The boy was barely listening. He was too busy drifting into the darkness of space, and pondering where each star would take them. “There’s still a lot about my father that I don’t remember, but my gut tells me it’s yours.”

“Chewie would agree with you,” she admitted.

Her smile faded as she looked at him, and he knew what she was thinking about. Neither of them had told Luke what happened, or about the presence searching out his mind, trying so hard to re-establish a connection. Rey believed it was a dark master named Snoke. She told him to fight it. To keep his barriers strong, and resist. He was trying, but the morning’s events had shaken him greatly. He’d exposed himself to the dark side when he entered the cave, and it would not leave him. He knew nothing of the First Order, or why they’d be interested in him. He remembered enough, though. He remembered the boy with that voice in his head. Ben got the feeling there was a reason for all the scars on his body. That he’d been fighting something terrible for a very long time, fighting Snoke.

Ben sighed, dispelling thoughts of the dark side from his mind. There were other things to be concerned about. He and Rey would be on Tatooine together. Alone. They didn’t know how long their stay would last. It could take weeks. He wondered how long their friendship would last in the arid temperatures of the desert planet. It occurred to him that perhaps the reason he’d never been able to defeat Snoke, was because he’d never had someone like Rey to give him strength. He was no longer alone in this war for ownership of his sanity. He licked his lips and tucked a stray curl behind her ear. He watched in fascination as her skin flushed. 

“What do you think?” he finally asked, looking away for a moment to stare out the window. “Of the planet, I mean.”

Rey was a beam of sunlight when she smiled. “I think it looks a little too much like Jakku….”

*******

He’d been soaked with sweat literally the minute he stepped outside of the Falcon. The suns were beating him into submission, and the air was too hot to breathe. He hated everything about this planet, and he’d barely taken two steps. Ben’s eyes searched the crowds as Luke continued to chat with a Rodian that he’d known for years, and was willing to help him secure travel to the outskirts… at a price. Ben couldn’t remember his name, Thesbo perhaps. His skin shined a dark green that stood out among the dust and rock. Large eyes remained focused on Luke as they negotiated, but he’d felt a lingering gaze once or twice. Curious eyes that seemed eager to know who Skywalker was hiding away.

Thesbo wasn’t the only one. Ben turned his head and noticed a girl. A human girl, possibly a slave. Her clothes looked horribly ratty and ill-fitted. She had the bluest eyes, and dark skin from years of exposure to the dual suns baking her homeworld. She was just standing under the Falcon, enjoying the shade of his vessel. He smiled at her, but she immediately turned away, fetching a ball that’d been kicked nearby. He watched her run off and hand the ball to a group of kids, all much older than the girl. A tall boy with sandy-brown hair ripped it from her hands and shoved her down. Ben’s hands tightened into fists. Another memory filled his mind. Isolation and rejection. Such a sensitive kid, so easily affected by the cruelty of others his age, and when he was alone the voice would tell him they were worthless. It was the first thing they’d ever agreed on.

“Mama said I could play with you! You promised!”

“I swear if you tell!” he threatened, though his sentence hung without the actual threat. One of his friends grasped the blonde kid’s sleeve, urging him to leave her. The crowd was moving, rushing off while the young girl was left to the dust. He wasn’t sure why it mattered, but his legs were moving long before he could think about what he would do or say. She was just across from the Falcon, and in a few short strides he stood above her like a tower. Her eyes squinting at him in the sun. She was afraid of him. He knew he could be intimidating. 

Ben leaned down slowly and offered her his hand. She was covered in the dust and sand; he felt it rub onto his clammy fingers as he tugged her up. When she was on her feet again, her arms wrapped around herself, staring up at him with a mixture of anxious inquisitiveness. “Was that your brother?”

She nodded, but said nothing. Her eyes were still squinting, and she was forced to strain her neck to look at him. Ben knew he must look like a giant to such a small girl. She couldn’t be any older than eight or nine. Her hair blew in the low wind, the only real relief with such a dry heat, and she tucked the long blonde curls away from her face.

Something inside him wanted to make her smile. It became his mission. His own childhood was spilling out in a trickle, flooding his thoughts with feelings far too grim for a little boy. So many days he’d spent locked up in his room feeling alone. Never smiling. Feeling forgotten. He wished someone had been there for him… someone other than the voice. 

Ben knelt down, ignoring all the dust now collecting on his black pants. He shoved a hand in his pocket and felt the curve of the speckled rock from Ahch-To. He pulled it out and laid it in his palm, glancing over to make sure she was watching. He said nothing. The Force flowed into the rock at his command, and immediately it began to float in the air and spin. Bright blue eyes went wide with fascination, focused on the movements of the rock, performing just for her. A small finger moved towards it, giving it a poke, and he let it float away for a moment before it returned to her. Her giggle made his chest ache.

“Is it a trick?” she finally asked.

“A trick? Oh no… it’s a special rock from a distant world of deep oceans and the greenest grass. It doesn’t float for everyone, but it will give whoever owns it good luck.” He nudged the rock with his mind towards her so it hovered in front of her face. “Open your hand. Hold it out. Perhaps it will choose you.”

She did as she was told, and the rock immediately settled into her palm. Her jaw dropped in surprise. Blue eyes met his gaze. “Will it really give me good luck?”

Ben nodded. “You must be very special. It’s only ever chosen people with a special destiny. One day you will achieve greatness.”

She looked back down at the rock, her other hand tracing the curves, and chipping at the white spots that made it so unique to her. “It’s beautiful.”

“It’s yours.”

The girl blushed, wrapping tiny fingers around it as she lowered her hand to look at him. “Thank you.”

He bowed his head in response. “What is your name?”

“Annika.”

He would probably never see the girl again, but Ben knew he would never forget the blue of her eyes. He would never forget the way she’d smiled at him, touched the rock, and giggled as it’d floated above her. He had so few memories to make him truly happy now. He would make this one count. “It was nice to meet you, Annika. You can call me Ben.” Annika looked back down at the rock, unsure of what to do. Eventually, she leaned in and surprised him with a kiss to his cheek. He sat stunned for a moment while she ran off. She’d kissed the side with the scar. 

It took him a moment to collect himself, and he stood up, dusting off his pants. Someone was staring at him, and when Ben turned towards the Falcon it was Rey standing at the ramp. Her eyes were gleaming, and he wondered if he’d ever tire of such a beautiful face. He took a breath before walking back over to the ship. Skywalker was returning as well. He wasn’t sure what to make of the interaction; his back straighter than before as Luke told them where they were supposed to go. He shoved their large packs at them and insisted they hurry.

“Get moving… unless there’s any other girls on this planet you were planning to charm, Ben?” teased his uncle.

Rey swung her pack onto her shoulder and rolled her eyes. “Oh I think he’s charmed quite enough for today.” She was already leaving to follow her master’s directions. Ben glared at Luke and pulled on his own pack.

“All I did is give her a rock….”

*******

It was late, and there was a chill in the air. Just past the edge of the Dune Sea sat a small hut made of synstone. Luke’s property had barely been looked after, and blankets covered every surface. There was a large room for the living area and the kitchen. One bathroom, and a bedroom in the back. Rey had spent almost an hour getting the generator to work. They’d have running water to drink by tomorrow.

Ben had busied himself unpacking their things, including food to last a little over a week, and extra clothes for each day they planned on staying. There wasn’t much to look at… just more rock and desert in every direction outside their little hut. There was a fireplace in the living area, and Ben activated it, pleased to find it didn’t require fuel. He kept it on its lowest settings, watching the fire burn a faint blue and red. The flames dancing to a rhythm he couldn’t hear. It felt familiar, the flames crackling, the clash of blue and red. Rey’s face glowing in the light as she closed her eyes and tapped into the Force. He remembered how beautiful she looked and nothing else. Just her face glowing in a cold forest. 

The nights on Tatooine would not always be so cold, but it was nice to have the fire if they needed it. A childhood friend of Luke’s had kept an eye on the place to make sure it wasn’t overrun with vermin. It had been recently cleaned, and Ben suspected he’d called ahead to tell his friend he was coming. Either way, Solo was pleased there wasn’t much work to be done. They could survive a week in this hut, although there was still sleeping arrangements to consider. Luke hadn’t mentioned the fact that there was only one bed.

Rey entered the hut with a sigh, and when Ben turned around on the couch he could see her arms stretch over her head. She rolled her neck and twisted her hip till all the kinks were out. He tried not to notice the sliver of skin as her shirt lifted, or the way she moaned when a few bones cracked back into place. “The generator outside is old, but it was kept in good condition,” she announced to him. She hadn’t a clue where his thoughts were leading him.

The blankets needed washing, all except the ones on the bed. The jacket Ben had was a bit tight on him, but it would keep him warm on the couch, especially with the added heat from the fire. “You look tired. You should rest.”

Rey nodded, fighting back a yawn, though it seemed a useless endeavor. She walked towards the hallway that led to the bedroom, froze and turned back to look at him. “Aren’t you coming?”

Ben swallowed hard. “There’s only one bed, Rey.”

“Afraid you can’t keep your hands to yourself,” she teased.

He didn’t even hesitate with his reply. “Yes.”

Her eyebrows lifted with surprise at his honestly. He was certain she’d leave it, and allow him the couch, but instead her lips curled with a sensuous grin he’d not seen before. “Come to bed, Ben. That couch is half your size.” 

He watched her turn back towards the hallway and enter the bedroom intended for one occupant. Ben wasn’t used to this side of her. A strange flirtatious woman had obviously taken over Rey’s body. It occurred to him that he hadn’t felt fear from her since they’d left Ahch-To. All the conflict and anxiety had disappeared while he wasn’t looking. He’d been so preoccupied with memories unlocking left and right, that he hadn’t noticed the way she’d stare at him. 

He thought about how nervous she’d behaved in the early morning, so preoccupied with her own thoughts that she hadn’t sensed his presence. Yet minutes later when his mind had come under attack, she’d reached out for him, pulled him close and assured him that he wasn’t alone. Her fear was gone. How had he not noticed before? In its place was something else. Something far more dangerous. Her fears may have dissipated, but his were still present. Rey made him nervous. She made him desperate. His own feelings for her were shrouded in his doubts about himself.

Ben shrugged off his jacket and shut off the fireplace. He sidestepped the couch and passed the kitchen till he reached the single bedroom down the short hallway. When he opened the door she was already in bed. Her eyes met his. He didn’t even need their Force bond to see it… the thing that had replaced her fear. _Desire._

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Kylo told his father "The Supreme Leader is wise" I felt like it was probably something he repeated often, almost like he was programmed to believe. It was the creepiest thing he'd said.
> 
> I hope you guys are enjoy the story! Please let me know what you think in the comments. :)


	9. “I’ll Never Let You Go”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting this chapter early because I'll be busy most of Thursday. Really hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

**“I remember tears streaming down your face when I said ‘I'll never let you go’  
When all those shadows almost killed your light  
I remember you said, ‘Don't leave me here alone’  
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight  
Just close your eyes, the sun is going down  
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now  
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound” – Taylor Swift “Safe and Sound”**

Tension overwhelmed their bond in waves. It was hard not to notice how stiff his body had become beside her. His arms were laced together over his abdomen, his eyes staring in the dark, as still as a water puddle after a harsh rain. Rey could feel his discomfort and frowned, a little wounded that he was so resistant to the thought of sleeping beside her. It would be difficult for them to rest if he didn’t calm himself. She twisted around to face him on the small mattress, tucking her left arm under the pillow. “It was very sweet… what you did for that girl.”

Silence hung between them, and Rey wondered what he must be thinking. Perhaps she should have taken the couch and spared him this awkwardness. When he finally did speak, his words caught her off-guard. It wasn’t what she was expecting. “Why are the painful memories the first thing I remember? Everything I see in my life is… disappointing, so many fears, constant isolation. My father reaches out for me, but I keep pushing him away because he’s just a smuggler and a thief. I’m ashamed of him, but he’s my father, and somehow I… need him. Only, I don’t trust him, Rey. He’s always gone. Mother’s busy too. She comes home stressed because no one can get along in the senate. People bicker over petty things, and nothing will ever get done. I feel like she’s wasting her time. The galaxy cannot be trusted in the hands of selfish politicians. All they care about is themselves.”

It’s not hard for her to picture Ben Solo’s fall when he talked like this. He’d been raised in a government with too many flaws, endured Snoke’s voice manipulating his perceptions, with parents who’d lived such complicated and separate lives. _‘And Han Solo… he feels like the father you never had. He would have disappointed you.’_ Despite her fears that it would happen again. That his memories would change him until Ben faded completely, she couldn’t stop thinking about the little girl in Mos Eisley. She’d felt his anger when the child was shoved to the ground. How important it had been to him, to just make the blonde girl smile. “We remember the pain easiest, but that doesn’t mean that’s all we have to look back on.”

“What if it is?” Ben shifted in the bed to face her. One arm lay between them while he tucked the other under his head. “What if this is all I have? Scars and bad memories. Who am I, Rey? What became of the child who couldn’t sleep at night… who couldn’t even smile for a family picture? What did I become?”

She grabbed hold of the arm between them, her fingers wrapped around his wrist. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters! It’s my life!” Ben retorted, angrily.

“And would you return to it? If you knew here and now… would you go back? Would you let go of the light inside of you, because all you feel is pain?”

Her words seemed to stun him. His jaw clenched, eyes staring back at hers with the intensity of Kylo Ren. It would have frightened her only a few days ago, but Rey knew it was Snoke’s influence that was the danger, not solely his connection to the dark side. “The voice keeps telling me things. Not everything he says is wrong.”

“Not everything he says is right, either.” Was she losing him? Was she already losing this fight? Rey couldn’t bear the thought. She would do anything to pull him away from the path that led back to Snoke. There had to be some way of reaching him. Luke was so sure she could do it, save Ben the way Han Solo hadn’t. Perhaps one day it would be her with a gaping hole in her chest. Not even Kylo Ren would allow that, but the thought was a seed growing in her mind. Ben Solo was nothing if not unpredictable right now. “Why did you go over to that girl? Why was it so important that you make her smile? You didn’t even know her. She was of little concern to anyone….”

Ben rolled his eyes. “I- I don’t know what this has to do with anything.”

“It matters because you _cared_! You felt compassion for that little girl! You saw something in her, maybe saw a little of yourself in her after how she was treated. I was watching you. I felt how your heart skipped a beat when she laughed. That’s who you are, Ben Solo. You’re the one that wants desperately to connect with people and never learned how. Snoke never allowed it! He wanted you isolated! Isolated from your parents, from Luke, from everyone who ever loved you.” Her voice was stern, leaving no room for debate. She’d seen how easy it was for Snoke to confuse him. She couldn’t let Ben pull away from her. Rey knew their connection was the only way to keep him from falling backwards. 

He was quiet again. They were so close. Very little room between them in the small bed. His emotions were chaotic, and trying to sway him not to repeat his past mistakes felt like flying in an asteroid field. Large rock floating off in different directions, bouncing off each other, and hurtling towards her with little warning. His memories were already twisting and spinning till Ben wasn’t sure which way was up. He needed a guide, someone to help him through the field, keep him from crashing against the rocks. She wanted to be that for him. “Rey… I…” he paused. His eyes were so dark. She couldn’t see his innocence anymore and it made her sad. There was a question in his eyes, and she knew whatever it was… it was significant. “That creature in the mask, the monster I saw kill my father. Tell me. Was it Snoke?”

It was the last thing she expected him to ask, and she felt foolish for not anticipating his mind. Despite their bond, he still managed to surprise her so often. How could he not want to know who’d murdered Han Solo? It was probably what he’d been thinking all along. Rey didn’t want to lie to him, but in some ways it wasn’t a lie to believe Han’s death was Snoke’s doing. So much was contingent on how people viewed the truth. Not everyone’s truth was the same. It depended on a certain point of view. One’s own perspective. It didn’t matter who’d held the weapon. Snoke was the one who’d twisted Ben’s mind, constantly pushing, controlling… till the boy grew up in misery and torment. Han’s blood was on Snoke’s hands. Rey firmly believed that. “Snoke killed your father, Ben. If you give in to him now… he’ll destroy you too.”

Ben lowered his gaze for a moment and nodded. “I feel like he’s already trying,” he admitted, and she didn’t miss how his voice wavered as he spoke. 

Rey slid closer, moving her hand from his arm, and reached for his cheek. His hair grazed her finger tips. She brushed it back before it could fall into his face. He was staring in the dark, looking at her, waiting for something when not even she knew what she would do. None of this came easy to her, and Luke wasn’t around to guide her through this mess. She trusted her feelings, though. She trusted in that feeling deep inside that whispered encouragement. Told her to stay close to him. Never let go. “I won’t let him have you, Ben. I won’t lose you.”

There was a moment between them. No one said a word. The stillness of the air around them, the quiet of the night… that was all there was. His hand covering hers as it still rested on his cheek. His eyes revealing a vulnerability, yet shining stronger than ever. All he was doing was looking at her, reveling in the steady hum of their link. He licked his lips. Despite his conflict, she could sense how much he wanted her. The tension between them was getting worse, and despite his request for her friendship, it was becoming clear to her that they’d been fooling themselves. Their connection would never allow it. Destiny would never allow it. Since the moment they’d first laid eyes on each other, the clues had been there, subtle hints to guide her. Maz had spoken of belonging, and she finally understood. Rey belonged to Ben. 

Rey shifted closer to him on the bed, her neck extending out as her lips hovered over his. A simple brush of her mouth against his, feather light, and filled with promise. His breath caught at the contact. He immediately moved to deepen it, slanting his head to the side, her bottom lip caught between his. It felt electric. An instant spark of sensual energy, revealing an intensity she hadn’t anticipated. He sucked on her bottom lip, tongue just out of reach, and Rey whimpered. Part of her wanted so much more, felt a stirring in her belly that made her thighs quake. It took everything she had to pull away, worried about moving too fast. This was her reality, their first real kiss. Not a dream or vision. Not a fantasy in her mind. This moment had actually happened, and there was no going back. 

His head fell back. He still said nothing. Rey pulled her hand from his face and turned around, facing the other side. She didn’t want him to see her cry. She wasn’t even sure what the tears were for. He would sense it. He’d sense the emotion swelling in her chest, this moment of stunned realization that she was still so terrified to speak out loud. It felt too powerful. Longing. Desire. Need. Love. She was in love with him. Such pleasure and pain. _‘It has to **hurt** , Rey.’_ It clawed inside her, but each tear felt like bliss. How could love be this powerful? She’d never known this feeling before. 

Her face was wet, and she closed her eyes. His body pressed against her back, and he settled his arm around her waist. Nothing had ever felt so perfect. They fit together, and she felt safe. She was so afraid of losing him, of losing a man that had become important to her. Snoke couldn’t have him. Rey wouldn’t allow it. Kylo’s voice from their shared dream echoed in her mind. _‘Mine.’_

*******

_She can feel his eyes on her. They burn a hole through the back of her head with his intensity. Even now he doesn’t quite believe she could ever want him. She does. The cracks in the window remain, and her view of the stars looks distorted. It looks like the galaxy is broken, splintering along the lines in the glass. Rey wonders if she’s strong enough to fix it. It feels bigger than her. Each line spreading out from the source and with applied pressure it grows like a web of shards. The jagged lines move, reach out, cutting deeper into the window until it shatters. One day it will shatter. All of it._

_“You can’t protect him from himself, Rey. This was always going to happen.” His words are said so calmly. As Ben seems to spiral deeper into his memories, Kylo Ren is finding peace. They remain separated, though. Refusing to merge. Like oil and water they touch and surround each other, but refuse to mix. How does one find the balance? How can Ben Solo become whole again?_

_“You’re spilling into him.”_

_“I’m showing him the truth…” he responds, taking a step closer. She feels him just behind her, but he’s still holding back. She can’t stop thinking about how intense his passion was, the last time she dreamed, how desperate his need for her became. Those feelings have not cooled off. She feels his desire even now, but she also senses his control. It’s a new concept to him, but he handles it like a weapon. His control is solid in his hands, and he’s learning how to use it, how to make it work for him. “Which is more than I can say for you.”_

_His words sting. Rey must truly have done wrong if Kylo Ren is taking on the role of conscious. “It’s not a lie. Snoke manipulated you.”_

_“As I recall… it wasn’t **his** saber cutting through Han Solo’s chest.” His guilt shines like light from a lamp. It’s constant. He will never forgive himself for what he’s done, and perhaps he shouldn’t, but she wishes he would. Part of her wants to forget he could ever have hurt Han. Rey’s desperate to cling to this new truth she’s crafted for herself. Ben Solo is not capable of patricide. His love for his father would never allow it. Therefore it must be Snoke. He is the evil and the wicked she must defeat. Ben is just another victim. “You’ll lose him anyway if you betray his trust.”_

_“You sound like Ben… perhaps he’s spilling into you.”_

_His control falls suddenly when she feels his hand pull her from the window, forcing her to face him. Kylo’s eyes flash with intensity that could never be snuffed out. It is a vital part of his personality, inherited by the blood of Skywalker, Solo, and Organa. This wildness cannot be tamed, and she would be foolish to try. “I wanted to kill him! I chose to do it! You cannot pick and choose what parts you want to accept, Rey! Manipulating my memories makes you no better than Snoke!”_

_His grip on her arm loosens, as if afraid he’s been too rough, and she immediately pulls away from him. Rey stands against the glass now, and the lines continue to drift outward from the subtle pressure of her body. A threat looms in this dream. One day the window will break and she doesn’t know what will happen when it does. “I’m NOTHING like Snoke,” she growls._

_Kylo’s eyes narrow, nostrils flare. He is angry with her. He does not approve of her methods. She knows she’s crossing a line, but she can’t change it now. Rey’s only priority is keeping Ben safe from Snoke and the First Order. “I sense the dark side in you.”_

_She recoils at his words. Back straight, eyes wide, and it’s the last thing she expects him to say. Her stomach twists. He steps closer. He actually manages a sneer, disgusted and enraged, but not all of it is directed at her. He expects her to be better. He wants her to be his light, but she can’t be. His conflict has become hers. Their pain is shared. Rey feels like she’s losing pieces of herself every time Ben’s soul darkens. Maybe it’s the link, or maybe it’s just her own weakness. Suddenly, she feels tired of this dream. Her legs refuse to work, and she slides down the window to the floor. Kylo’s eyes follow her, casting a shadow, and she’s never felt so cold. “Fear is the path to the dark side. I’m afraid of losing you,” she confesses._

_Just like that his anger recedes. The venom in his eyes dissipate. Her words soften him, because unlike Snoke, she actually cares about him. He knows the difference. He hesitates, standing over her for a second too long. Finally, Kylo kneels in front of her, his hands resting on her open thighs, head tilting forward and down to catch her gaze. “There was a time when I would have basked in your darkness, Rey.” His words are calmer, but she can hear a slight tremor. His eyes drop to her mouth as he leans forward to capture her lips in a heated kiss. His affection for her bleeds through their bond. It envelops her. She senses fear too. Fear for Ben’s mental state, and his concern for her. When he pulls away, the darkness that surrounds him seems to hover, and she feels cold, but inside she is set ablaze. Fire and ice… it seems the best way to describe their relationship. “This feels wrong.”_

_Her forehead is resting against his, and she closes her eyes. She finds comfort in Kylo Ren, and the concept is staggering. Ren was so certain she would lead to his destruction, but he didn’t seem to realize how he affected her in return. “You once told me that I would burn you alive.”_

_His hands moved to cup her face, and she can feel his breath caress her. “I burn even now,” he whispers._

_“But it never even occurred to you,” she continues with bitterness in her voice, “that I might just burn with you.”_

*******

The desert was a treacherous place. It played tricks on the mind. It could make imaginations go wild. It was lonely and vast. Rey could see for miles, and her eyes ached from the emptiness of the Dune Sea. The twin suns peeked over the horizon, casting an orange glow that was both beautiful and sad. Temperatures would rise. The stars would bake her skin. The air would heat, and if the wind picked up, she’d need cover around her face just to avoid choking on the sand. It felt lifeless. It felt like Jakku.

Rey wrapped her arms around her legs, and dropped her chin on her knees. There was a certain agony to loneliness that haunted her even now. She wasn’t alone. Ben was cleaning up. He’d washed the dishes from breakfast (just rations mostly), and started on the dirty blankets that were covered in dust. He was trying so hard to keep his mind clear. Despite his presence, she knew it wasn’t enough. The desert was gnawing at her, and she was assaulted with memories of life before Finn had taken her hand and changed her life. She hadn’t thought about Finn in so long, and she wondered if he was okay. She missed him.

Rey had been so preoccupied with Ben Solo, she hadn’t spent much time thinking about anything else. That’s what the desert did to her, though, it made her think. It was like a special kind of meditation. She focused on the sand, on the way it slid down each other, tiny pieces of rock that were so easily swayed by the simplest touch. Ben seemed to hate the desert almost as much as she did. He preferred colder climates, and had a special affinity for the rain. It seemed to fit his personality. 

The back of her mind sizzled, and she felt Ben’s presence even before he sat down beside her. His legs were crossed, eyes focused on the rising suns. “The blankets should dry fairly quickly in this climate.” She didn’t seem to have the energy to acknowledge his words. He didn’t seem very eager to sit in silence. “I’ve upset you.”

“You haven’t,” she assured him. If anything, she’d upset herself.

Ben’s hands dug into the sand. She watched as he used the Force to shape it, mold it, practicing with his abilities. He was drawing something. She couldn’t tell what it was yet. He spoke, but kept his focus on whatever it was he was creating. “I think I understand why Luke and Chewbacca keep me at arm’s length now. I’m toxic… my thoughts are all over the place. I can’t even trust myself. I feel uncertain about everything.”

“Ben, you’ve endured Snoke’s manipulations for as long as you’ve been alive. You can’t expect the memories not to take a toll,” she argued.

He paused with his artwork. It looked like a shape. The strange symbol she’d seen on Luke’s wooden box. It meant something, though she didn’t know what. “I have to find the balance, Rey. I felt it in the cave. A clash of dark and light. It was beautiful, but I don’t know how to replicate it. I’m far too weak to fight Snoke on my own. My light isn’t enough. He overshadows me.”

“Ben-”

“Rey, don’t!” he stopped her cold with his sharp bursts of anger. Snoke was cutting away at his control piece by piece. He was trying so hard to undo the damage, but he felt helpless. He was scared, as terrified as the little boy that would hide under his blanket every time he heard Snoke’s voice… every time he felt that chill inside his bones. She could see everything through their bond when he was like this. Ben looked away and erased the symbol till all that was left was discolored sand. Darker grains missed with the dust. “Control. I need to learn control. I felt it for a moment last night.” He paused and turned towards her. “Through the bond, you sustained me. You were in my arms, and a strange sense of serenity passed over me. It’s never been so easy to sleep. You don’t even realize the effect you have on me, Rey. Snoke’s power is nothing compared to yours. You overshadow _him_. I usually stop myself. I hold back because I know you deserve better than this. Better than me.”

“It’s not about what I deserve, Ben. It’s about what I want,” she corrected. “That’s only ever been you.”

She hesitated to look at him, but she could feel his eyes on her. “We were lovers.”

She shook her head. “Only in our dreams. It wasn’t real, Ben. It was nothing like last night.”

“That was our first time? Our first kiss?”

“It was so much more than a dream.” Rey finally turned to him. “It was real. It was perfect,” she admitted.

Ben glanced down at her lips. In their bond she could tell he was still holding something back. Still hesitating. He didn’t want to cause her pain. He felt dangerous, and he wanted to protect her. She thought of the moment when Kylo snapped, gave himself over to her. All he’d needed was permission. Ben was more cautious. He needed to think things through. He needed to be sure this wouldn’t destroy them both. “I don’t feel your fear anymore.”

“That’s because I’m not afraid.” It felt like deja vu. Always so busy convincing him that she didn’t want to run away from this anymore. 

He was so close. It physically hurt that he was close to her, and yet neither had closed the distance. Her arms tightened around her legs, as if somehow the pressure could relieve the ache. Her skin was throbbing, desperate for the feel of him. She wanted it to be real. Rey wanted to do all the things she’d ever done in the dark. She wanted to imprint herself on his skin, and wanted him to do the same. “Then why are you trembling, Rey?” he finally asked her.

Rey swallowed hard. “Because this feels like torture.” A tear escaped down her cheek and he immediately reached up to brush it away.

She felt him. His presence pressing into her mind. He was asking for permission, and she allowed him in willingly. Her eyes closed. Focusing on dreams of his kiss, the way he’d hold her, and how safe she felt in his arms. She thought about destiny, how hard it was to fight something that she wanted more than anything. Rey thought about Jakku, and the life she’d had before Ben Solo. How empty it was. 

Ben’s lips pressed against hers instantly, and her eyes fluttered open for a minute with her surprise. His hands cupped her face, leaning towards her, shifting to his knees. She let go of her legs and pulled him closer. Her legs opening as he pressed her into the sand. His lips were so perfect. Full and soft. His kiss, deep and unyielding. His hands fell from her face and into the sand on either side of her head. He wouldn’t crush her with his weight, but he lowered himself enough for her chest to press against his. The sensation was dynamic, a shock to her system. This was real. Ben Solo was kissing her right under the light of twin suns.

Her skin rejoiced everywhere she felt him. Her lips burned with his taste. The way his tongue would dip and explore, pull away like a tease, and draw her in till her own tongue joined in the chase. Ben was hunched over her. Her hands moved down his chest, towards the edge of his white undershirt, pulling it up to feel the hard muscles underneath. They rippled and tensed everywhere she explored. This wasn’t nearly enough. She needed more. He broke the kiss to catch his breath. Ben’s forehead pressed into her own, and she knew she was breathing just as hard.

“Take me inside.”

“Are you sure?”

“Ben… please.” She opened her eyes and he was staring at her. “Inside… now.”

She was pulled into his arms in seconds, just before he stood up. One arm at the back of her knees, while the other cradled her shoulders. She immediately wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling his head down for another kiss. Rey wasn’t trembling anymore.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... next week it will REALLY earn the rating for this story. Please let me know what you think. Us poor authors live for comments. :)


	10. “All Reason Left Behind”

**“Without a warning it comes flying-  
And when it strikes my world changes,  
All reason left behind  
Without a warning it comes flying-  
And its too late to resist it for my fate is sealed  
And I know... My heart's no longer mine” – Tiger Army “Cupid’s Victim”**

Ben had no memories of sleeping with a woman. He didn’t know if there was ever a girl interesting enough to catch his eye; distract him from his woes long enough that he’d willingly follow her into bed. There was still too much he didn’t remember about his past, and it displeased him to look over Rey’s body and realize he hadn’t a clue what he was doing. Through their bond he could tell Rey sensed his frustration, but he’d made his request, and she’d conceded to his plea. He wanted this to be special for her, and she willingly waited to see what he would do.

Their clothes laid scattered on the floor around their bed. His eyes took in her form, eager to burn this memory so deeply in mind and heart, that no accident could ever lock it away. At first all he could do was touch her. There was a curiosity in her gaze as his fingertips trailed down her collarbone, and continued over her breast bone. He smiled when her eyes fluttered as his thumb moved over to caress her breast. Her chest rose and fell so quickly, but he kept his touch light. His exploration curved over the soft skin along her ribs, and he counted each one. He wondered if any had ever been broken or bruised like his.

At her belly was a faint swell, and he followed along the curve of it, using her pelvic bone as a guide to the beautiful brown curls that covered her sex. With her legs open he was free to explore her inner thighs. Ben noticed the way her hips squirmed, when his palm glided upwards, allowing his thumb to touch the lips of her center. She was dripping wet. He was lying on her left side when he removed his hand from her body. Ben sucked at his thumb to taste her while she watched. He savored the way her eyes widened, staring at him with a mixture of awe and desire. It was too much, so he closed his eyes and captured her lips in a kiss.

Her hands buried themselves in his hair, and he tried not to laugh against her mouth when she tugged. She twisted her body to face him, and her leg skimmed up his, bending at the knee over his thigh. Ben’s hands weren’t finished exploring as his palm pressed against her lower back, feeling the way it curved along her spine till he reached her backside, soft cheeks in his hands, and he gently squeezed. Rey was so beautiful and feminine. It didn’t matter that not all her skin was soft. There were scars and scratches, and clamminess from the heat of the desert. Bits of sand in her hair from where he’d laid her down before. This was just as he’d imagined it would be like.

Ben pulled away, pressing her onto her back again. He hovered over her body this time. His lips and tongue caressed her neck till she arched into him. He felt her swallow hard, gasping when he nipped just under her jaw. He leaned on his elbows as he traveled lower. She was breathing so heavy by the time he reached her breasts. His tongue curled around a nipple before he sucked it into his mouth, and her body shuttered. His own arousal strained as he heard her moan. He leaned on his right so his other hand could touch the breast he’d ignored. He experimented by grazing his thumb over the little nub, and finally a gentle squeeze. He liked the way her breast fit in his palm.

He wasn’t done. His mouth moved lower, teeth scraping at the underside of her breast. He could smell her, and the scent reminded him of Ahch-To. There was a saltiness to her skin. She tasted like the ocean. Her hands were in his hair again. She was practically shaking underneath him, resisting the temptation to take control. He appreciated her restraint. His tongue traced down her abdomen, dipped into her belly button, and she whimpered. When he realized her thighs were parting he took the invitation and dipped down for a proper taste of her sex. The sound Rey made was music to his ears.

Ben had basic knowledge of female anatomy, and he used it to his advantage, accessing any information that might help him please her. Through their link he could tell she wouldn’t be able to endure much more of his playfulness. He wasn’t sure he could endure either. His tongue traced over her labia first, and Rey arched her back demanding more. She hadn’t let go of his head, and he wondered if he’d be bald by the time he was done. Ben decided she’d suffered enough of his curiosity, and slipped a single finger inside her. She was already so impossibly wet, and he licked his lips automatically at the feel of her soaking his finger. “Oh… _Ben_ ….”

He’d never heard his name moaned like that. Perhaps there was a memory hidden away, but from his perspective this was the first. Her voice sounded desperate, breathless, and full of lust. Ben closed his eyes and reached out with the Force, could feel it around them, inside them both. He used it to control his own desires, to keep his own needs settled, and to heighten hers. Pressure emanating from his finger made her open slowly along her inner walls, giving her a feeling of fullness, despite having only a single digit exploring her folds. Rey’s fingernails dug into his scalp.

“Wh- what are you doing?”

“Trying something,” he answered against her sex. His eyes remained closed. The Force becoming something solid around his finger as he pumped. Her hip jerked. His tongue found her clitoris and he bent forward to suck on the bud of nerves. He added another finger easily, and finally a third. The pressure accessing that spot that would have her mind reeling with pleasure. The Force touching like a ghost against her body, around his fingers inside her, attacking her with sensation till she was practically wailing. 

He could feel it. Through the link he could feel her losing control. Her breathing was so heavy, abdominal muscles going haywire, and he was so sure her spine would snap in half if she didn’t settle down. He was driving her to madness. His fingers buried inside her. His tongue lapping at her clit as he watched her break apart. So close. Just nearly… Rey screamed… there! Her orgasm was intense, and he could feel it in waves through their link. Muscles clenching, body spasming, and he was sure he’d never felt so powerful in all his life.

“Ben please!”

He couldn’t deny her. Ben pulled out his fingers and crawled up her body, kissing her lips as his hardness pressed against the juncture between her legs. He pulled away for a moment just to look at her. He wanted to see her face when he guided himself inside her. He gripped his cock, and eased himself between her outer lips, entering her with one smooth thrust. Rey’s warmth immediately overwhelmed his senses, muscles tightening around him, and he knew she was already close to the edge. Again he reached out, amazed by the thoughts running through her mind. She wanted him deeper. She loved how thick he was. Rey needed him so badly, and he needed her just as much.

He began to move his hips. It wasn’t hard to find that perfect spot inside that would make her moan his name again. Through their bond he could sense everything, what he did right and what he did wrong. He was so in tune with her body, so aware of her every need. She felt his needs too. Her legs wrapped around his waist, changing the angle, and he slipped deeper inside her heat. He pumped slow and steady. He wanted this to last. Their eyes caught, looking through windows of emotion, and his chest tightened as he realized what she felt for him… what she’d yet to say out loud. He _knew_.

Ben’s mind was an absolute mess, but there were some things he was sure of without doubts or any hesitation. He loved this woman with every fiber of his being. He loved her soul, her body, how she fit into his arms, and how he fit inside her body. He loved her mind, her laugh, and the way she said his name. He loved that she was always saving him, because no one else seemed capable of doing so. His guardian angel. He loved her in ways he hadn’t even conceived of yet. He didn’t need access to his memories to know this was new. Ben Solo had never been in love, and no woman would ever compare to Rey. No one had ever come close.

He swooped down for a kiss, his rhythm faltering before he began to pump harder. His abdominal muscles felt tight, and he was so close. He’d been blocking out so much so he could focus on Rey, but as his focus left him, sensation overtook him completely. He was rough, punishing with each thrust. He could hear her groan, skin slapping skin, raw desire and loss of control. Nothing mattered but this. He needed her so badly. She was practically embedded in the mattress as he fucked her harder and harder. So much passion. Too intense. Ben shuddered as she squeezed him, pulled him in.

He felt her orgasm as if it were his own. His ears buzzing, blood rushing, and she broke their kiss to cry out. He followed her into the light. Shooting thick ropes of his seed inside her, desperate to go deeper, melt into her. Ben wondered if he could die like this. His heart surely couldn’t take anymore. “Rey….”

It took a moment for his surroundings to come back into focus. Endorphins flooding his system till pain was a distant memory, and he did not mourn the loss this time around. He’d collapsed on top of her. No strength left in him. Panting. He wondered if he’d ever be able to breathe normally again. She held him so tight to her. Neither was eager to move even though he was crushing her. They just laid there in each other’s arms trying to breathe, trying to understand what they’d just done. Her face was wet, and maybe his was too. 

There was an echo in her mind. _‘Not a dream… so much better than a dream.’_ He closed his eyes and kissed her cheek. Ben needed to do something about his lips. His mouth was so eager to say something, but he held back. He was afraid of words. All he wanted was to bask in the glow of their connection, body and soul. She felt the same. He smiled against her skin, feeling sweaty and sated.

Eventually, he managed to roll himself over to her side. He knew he was heavy, and he’d sufficated her for long enough. Ben tilted his head toward her and breathed deep. The entire room smelled like sex. For a moment she simply struggled to catch her breath, but before long Rey started to laugh, and his eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “What?”

“I don’t think Master Luke would approve of your using the Force like that.”

His lips curled wickedly at the thought. “I won’t tell if you don’t….”

*******

The day was a loss for anything productive. There were too many surfaces in Luke’s hut, and Rey had a healthy appetite for his touch. The kitchen. The couch. The table. Walls. One look and they were kissing. He wasn’t even sure why they’d bothered to dress considering how often they’d been forced to remove their clothing. Ben hadn’t had a single memory resurface. His mood remained steady, more content than he could have imagined. Even the raspy voice in the back of his mind was silenced, still desperately searching for him, but Rey’s touch sent him away. Snoke was the farthest thing from his mind.

He wondered how long it could remain like this. How long could Rey chase his demons away? Eventually, there would be no escape. Ben would have to face this. Defeat this thing trying to take hold of him. Rey refused to give up, and neither would he. Snoke was a devil on his shoulder feeding him lies and half-truths. Manipulation was his only means of twisting Ben’s mind, but he could see through the tricks. The devil wasn’t real, but Rey was. She was standing in front of him with a light in her eyes, and the brightest smile. She was his protector, the only person he’d ever trust with his heart, and he knew she felt the same. She didn’t have to say the words. He knew.

He watched her dress herself for the seventh time; while tucking his white shirt in his father’s old brown pants. He’d taken the liberty to alter them slightly so they fit better, but it still felt strange wearing the clothes, like they weren’t his usual taste. The bond between them had strengthened. He could skim across her thoughts if he wanted. Rey was feeling a bit sore. He walked over to her and helped her pull up her pants. She rolled her eyes, but accepted his help. Ben paused, letting his hands rest on her hips. He looked down at her and kissed her forehead. Just as he was about to suggest an early dinner the portable comlink activated.

**“Rey? Ben? Can anyone read me?”**

Uncle Luke. For a moment he allowed himself to hope they’d made contact with someone that could point them towards the Resistance. He was eager to be among his allies, to meet his mother, and possibly find a place to settle and call home. He wasn’t even sure he’d had one before. Ben pulled away and picked up the comlink. “We’re here, Uncle Luke. How’s it coming on your end?”

**“Not well. My contact says the Resistance is in transit. They’ve yet to find a new planet to settle on, and the First Order is in hot pursuit. Worse yet, I think I’ve made a mistake bringing you here, Ben.”**

“A mistake?” Rey questioned, leaning closer to him as she strained to hear. His transmission was faint, and Ben could tell they were somewhere noisy. Probably a cantina. Chewbacca growled at someone in the distance.

**“I’ve sensed a dark presence here.”**

Ben’s eyes flickered to Rey, and he could see the moment she realized what Luke was telling them. “Snoke has been trying to find Ben, Luke. Is it possible he’s succeeded?”

**“Possibly, but I can’t be sure. The dark side casts a shadow that makes it easy to avoid detection. He blends in with murders, thieves, and bounty hunters. It’s difficult to know for sure, but I’m worried. It might be one of the Knights.”**

“Knights?” questioned Ben. “Like a dark knight?”

“The Knights of Ren,” Rey confirmed, her frown deepening. “You must be careful, Luke. They could just as easily be looking for you.”

**“I don’t doubt that,”** Luke agreed. **“Stay where you are, and keep on guard. We’ll send for you when we’re certain it’s safe. Chewie and I are going to investigate. If it is one of Snoke’s, we can’t let him return to his master. We need to find out what the First Order is up to, and what they might know about Ben. It’s possible he’s just a spy, which means the First Order may already know we’re here. Or he may have been sent as an assassin.”**

“What about contacting the Resistance?” Ben questioned, wondering how much longer they would have to hide out on their own.

**“My sister… your mother is a formidable woman, Ben. We must be patient and let the Force guide us to her when the time is right. For now just sit tight, and be mindful. Contact me at the first sign of trouble.”**

“We will, master,” Rey assured him.

**“Luke out.”**

Ben set down the comlink and turned to Rey. She was deep in thought, and he could sense her fear. She was already preparing herself for a fight. Her hand stretched out towards the bedroom, and he watched as her lightsaber flew into her hand. A memory flashed in his mind. _A black glove stretches out in the cold, calling for something that refuses to come. It resists him. It does not choose him. Instead it soars past him to Rey, forcing him back. Her eyes are wide as she holds the weapon, staring at him. She ignites the saber, which shines blue against her face. So be it. Despite his condition, he is not afraid to fight her. His pain will give him power. He reignites his own weapon… but his saber… it’s blood red._

“….maybe we should take shifts through the night.” Rey paused. “Ben?”

Ben blinked. That couldn’t be right. Something about that memory startled him. The anger in her eyes. Like enemies. His weapon, fiery red. What if it was a trick? A manipulation from Snoke? Was it possible his memories were being altered? Could Snoke do that to him? He’d known it was possible he’d fallen to the dark side, but the idea of fighting and attacking Rey. It felt more like a dream than a memory, like he’d been drifting along with the snow in a state of foggy delirium. “Uh, yeah?”

Rey was staring at him expectantly, but he hadn’t a clue what she wanted him to say. “What do you think?”

Ben sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He hated how his bangs always fell across his face. The pause gave him a moment to scan her thoughts through their link. She was worried the dark knight would find them while they slept. “Whoever lived here before us was sensible. He had sensors installed around the hut in case of intruders. If we can get them working, there won’t be a need for shifts.”

“Good point. Why don’t you get started on dinner, and I’ll see what we have to work with?”

Ben nodded. “Sounds like a plan.” Rey turned to leave, but he reached out and grabbed her arm. He was compelled to share what he’d just remembered, but the moment she turned back to him, his question faded from his mind. He was almost afraid to ask. What if it was true? Maybe they hadn’t always trusted each other. Enemies to friends, friends to lovers. Did it really matter in the end? He would never hurt Rey, and even in the memory he’d felt his own hesitation, a desire to be beside her rather than against her. “Be careful,” he finally spoke. He leaned down for a kiss, and took great pleasure in the way she readily kissed him back. Her desire to protect him skimmed his mind and brought him comfort.

She smiled as they parted. “Everything will be fine. Trust me.”

He mirrored her smile and watched her rush off. “I do….”

*******

_This ache in his soul never goes away. He would love nothing more than to be rid of it, but it only grows stronger with the passing of time. Kylo thought all he needed was a taste of her. He is wrong. Nothing is ever enough to satisfy him. Her skin is milk and honey on his tongue, and he will thirst forever. Her moans are the spark that keeps his heart beating when he feels like giving up this fight. Her kiss… it feels like breathing when they kiss. Kylo Ren knows what it means to live, which makes it all the more painful as he foresees death on the horizon. “You were my prisoner once. I touched your mind and you slipped through the barriers to unlock my secrets.”_

_Rey is staring at the cracked window with fear in her eyes. He is beside her, where he belongs, holding onto memories that Ben cannot fully appreciate yet. “I found something. I spoke it out loud and I saw fear in your eyes. I spoke it again to Ben, but he dismissed it. It feels significant.”_

_She understands. He takes a breath. This will be his confession, his warning to her. She burns like he does, and he cannot allow it. He will not drag her down into the hell of his own making. “I fear… I will never be as strong as Darth Vader, Rey. It terrifies me. His shadow looms over me. His legacy haunts me. I will never be like him.”_

_“Why would you want to be?” she asks. She turns her head to look at him._

_He has been alone for so long. In mind and heart, he has ached for someone like Rey. Kylo only ever had Snoke’s voice. His family abandoned him. His uncle recoiled when faced with the darkness of Ben Solo. Over and over again he was rejected. No one could fully grasp his destiny. Kylo knew. He always knew how it should end… if only he could find the strength. He turns towards Rey and touches the side of her face. She leans into him, and his chest feels like it will explode. He will never deserve this woman, but he knows she was meant for him. A gift from the Force to guide him. He stares into her eyes. The burden of his secrets sinking deep into his guts, rotting him from the inside._

_“Rey…” he falters. He drops to his knees and his forehead falls forward against her stomach. His hands reach for her hips, gripping her too tightly. He feels her hands bury themselves in his hair, and it soothes his soul. He’s almost afraid to speak it out loud. He rarely even allowed himself to think about it for fear of Snoke’s powers. The voice is occupied with Ben and it may be his only chance to speak freely. “My grandfather was a reaper of souls. His darkness loomed over the enemies of the Empire like a firestorm. Even now his very name inspires fear. His blood runs through my veins. My parents never told me, but when I learned the truth… I **knew** … I finally understood the will of the Force. My destiny was revealed to me.” Kylo pressed himself deeper into Rey, his lips grazing a sliver of skin under her shirt. He felt her shiver. “The only person in this galaxy that was strong enough to defeat the Emperor was my grandfather, Rey. The student became the master with his last breath. He defeated his tormentor and crippled the Empire. **That** is the power I long for. I fell to Snoke’s feet to learn all I could. His wisdom and his support were everything to me. I gave in because it was never going to end, just as my grandfather gave into his master. When he grew strong enough he consumed his master, destroyed him in the same firestorm that had killed so many others. I fear I do not have the strength. It terrifies me that I could fail.”_

_Rey pulls away from him, carefully stooping down to mirror him. Her knees pressed against his own. Her eyes are wide. Her hands slide from his scalp to his face. “Kylo… what are you saying?” She speaks so softly in the darkness, with only the stars to shine on their faces._

_Kylo holds her gaze. He feels bold now. The weight is lifting from inside, giving him such relief… he never thought it was possible. “I must become more powerful. I need to be strong, Rey. Like Vader was. I need to end this. I am meant to end this. You must understand, because it affects you too. Once Ben’s memories return, so will I. On that day I will return to Snoke. You cannot prevent this. It’s where I belong. It’s my destiny, Rey. First the galaxy will fall to the First Order… and then Snoke will fall before me. I will tear down everything he has ever built. The dark side will bring the balance, and your light will heal the wounds I inflicted on this galaxy long after I am dead.”_

_Her eyes widen, recoiling for a moment. She is shaking her head, and he does not understand why she is upset. He wants to explain, but she’s kissing him. Her lips press so deeply against his own. He pulls her into his arms and pours every feeling that has ever passed between them into this kiss. He conveys with actions what has never come easy with words. She will always be his. His treasure. His gift. Rey pulls away first. “Kylo… I won’t let you face Snoke alone. I can’t. You think death is the answer. I say it isn’t. That’s not how our story ends. I refuse to accept that.”_

_“Rey-”_

_“No! No… you don’t get to leave me behind! My parents abandoned me on Jakku and they never came back!” She is crying now. The sight stuns him. He sees the fear in her eyes. Her darkness. Abandoned and alone. “Not again. Destiny brought you to me, it tied **us** together, not you and Snoke. If it’s your destiny to burn… then I burn with you.”_

_Kylo is horrified at the thought of it. His mind is reeling because this was never part of the plan. He belonged to his master, to the darkness, to death and destruction. Rey is his gift, a kindness from the Force before he embraces his damnation. He kisses her once more because he needs to. There is another secret he’s holding onto and tonight is his confession. He holds her. Passion is reserved for the dark side. Rey gives him more strength than he ever thought possible. He grips her face and forces her to look at him. “Foolish girl… I **refuse** to be the cause of your destruction. I am not worth this! Rey… I… I love… I love you… and it would kill me twice if I was the reason you turn to ash.”_

_More tears spill down her face. She turns away from him, but he knows it is not a rejection. He cannot take back the words he’s spoken. He does not regret saying them, and he knows she does not regret hearing them. It doesn’t make the words any less painful. He waits for her to catch her breath, and when she does he sees something different in her eyes. They are sharp and dangerous. They are filled with rage. Darkness surges through her, and he feels it consuming the light. He wants to stop it, but he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know how to protect her from this… from himself._

_“You made me a promise. Do you not remember? You promised me that if I was yours… you’d never leave. That’s what you said, Kylo. Well, I **am** yours. I’m yours in every way that matters. I gave myself to you willing. I’m yours and you’re mine. So no, you don’t get to leave me behind now. Don’t tell me that you love me and then leave. I can’t keep waiting for people that are never coming back. You’re worried about Snoke destroying me, but Kylo… if you leave me behind… that would kill me too.”_

_Kylo is at a loss, made speechless. He would protest if he were stronger. He is not. Their connection is strong and her devotion sweeps through him till his head is spinning. He’s dizzy with the emotions he knows they share, a passion that the bond has been feeding since the beginning. His desire for her triples till he cannot hold back anymore. He **needs** her so much. He loves her and he’s said so, refusing to hold back. His body stirs, and he knows she feels it too. He kisses her too hard. He touches her too roughly. He wants control, but he is the dark side, and control is beyond him. She’s biting at his lips, pressing herself against him without shame. They can’t even be bothered with the bed. The hard surface of this floor will have to do. Clothes are ripped away and he’s inside her before she can even prepare for him, his pace relentless. Neither willing to consider what this means. _

_She’s so tight around him, so hot against his skin. Her legs wrap around his hips and she’s pulling him deeper, urging him on. She needs this as much as he does. Her body begs for it like a drug. His tongue claiming her mouth as his body penetrates her wildly. Love and desperation are all they feel. Time is pressing in on them like a hunter, forcing it’s prey to face the inevitable. If they are to die, it will be just like this, wrapped up in each other and refusing to let go. Kylo moans against her mouth, pulling away and his lips brush her ear. Fingernails claw at his back and he doesn’t care. He knows he is crying, but he doesn’t feel the tears. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” he whispers._

_Rey shudders underneath him, throbbing around his cock, muscles squeezing so hard he follows her into the void of orgasmic bliss. Her response echoes in his mind. “Yes it was….”_

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personally, I believe Kylo Ren's desire to finish what Darth Vader started involves following in his footsteps completely. I think Snoke believes Darth Vader made a grave mistake at the end, but secretly Kylo wants to follow Vader all the way to the end. He knows Snoke would eventually destroy him. He knows it, but that's why he's afraid. He's afraid Snoke will destroy him instead of following in Vader's footsteps to destroy his master.
> 
> Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed all the sexytimes. Comments give me life! :D


	11. “It’s A Perfect Denial”

**“Lie awake in bed at night  
And think about your life  
Do you want to be different?  
Try to let go of the truth  
The battles of your youth  
Cause this is just a game  
It's a beautiful lie  
It's a perfect denial  
Such a beautiful lie to believe in” – Thirty Seconds to Mars ‘A Beautiful Lie’**

The sun had yet to rise when Rey’s eyes open to the warmth of Ben’s body against hers. It felt like she was engulfed by him. She was lying on her front with her arms buried under her head, and his breath warming her back. How he felt comfortable using her back as a pillow, she’d never know, but every time he breathed her skin tingled, and she was forced to struggle with the inevitable wave of lust that shot down her spine. It felt perfect and torturous at the same time, and Rey knew she would never be able to go back to waking up alone.

Her mind drifted to all the years before this. So many empty nights on Jakku, starved of attachments and touch. Rey had fooled herself into believing she was fine living like that. She’d sit and stare at the stars sometimes on a clear night. Delay going to bed because it was too cold even with the covers wrapped around her like a cocoon. She would wrap her arms around herself and imagine it was her mother holding her and waiting for her to sleep. It had never been enough, but she’d believed the lie in her head. They were coming back. She was happy to wait for them. It would all be okay.

Ben’s arm curled around her, pressing into her ribs. She could feel him, hard under the covers even as he slept, poking at her thigh. The tip of his thumb was tucked just under her breast. She bit her bottom lip to keep from moaning whenever it moved. Rey had never felt this kind of desperation before. She couldn’t get enough of him. His lips. How solid his body was as it slid against hers. Hard muscle flexing when he’d hold her up against a wall and just take what he wanted. Ben looked at her as if she were royalty… not just some scavenger with no real identity to claim as her own.

Rey was so terrified of losing the warmth of his body against hers. She couldn’t bear the thought of an empty bed. Not now. Not after this. Kylo may have been determined to protect her, but he failed to consider what losing him would do… how it would splinter her the way Han’s death was tearing at Ben. Luke had known from the start that she needed this. Rey needed Ben. They needed each other. The bond made it impossible to walk away, to let go, to fight the destiny waiting for them. She’d seen into his soul, and he’d sunk deep into her heart.

Ben breathed in slowly, holding it for a moment before he groaned. His nose nuzzled at her skin and she smiled when he kissed just under her shoulder blades. “Don’t tease. You’ve been tormenting me for long enough,” she complained.

He lifted his head, and she turned around to look at him as he pulled away. “Have I?”

Rey nodded, shifting onto her left side and she pushed him onto his back. He was still half-asleep, and his bangs were covering over the scar across his eye. Even his voice made her toes curl. Her hand traveled under the covers to grasp him, and she watched his breath hitch. This wouldn’t take long. She was already wet. Between the dream and reality, this was all she could think about. She crawled over him, taking his cock inside her to ease the ache they were both enduring.

Ben’s hands immediately shot out to her hips. “So… ugh… Rey,” he groaned. His hips lifted off the bed as he filled her completely. The constant sex made it easy for her body to accommodate his size. They’d done nothing but explore each other yesterday, and although she was still slightly sore, Rey was horny as hell.

She began to rock. Slow and languid as if they had nothing but time. Perhaps they did. It was barely morning, and there wasn’t much to be done. Luke and Chewbacca were the ones forced to keep busy. Rey could barely see Ben in the dim light, but she could hear how heavy he was breathing. He was just barely keeping still underneath her. His hands sliding down to the back of her thighs, over her stomach, just needing to touch her.

“You are so beautiful like this. You’re killing me. Please… I need more.”

Rey swallowed hard and rose up till he was almost free of her, then dropped back down. It made them both shudder, especially when he hit that spot deep inside that made everything blur for a second. She started to ride him. Moving up and down, her thighs burning. He moved with her. His hips meeting her, hands gripping her hips again as he tried to keep up. In the dim light, there was nothing but the sounds of their breathing and their groans. Occasionally, Ben would whisper her name, and she thought about Kylo. How he’d told her he loved her. She knew Ben did too. She could feel it.

Rey leaned down because the urge to kiss him became too strong, and Ben took the opportunity to roll them. Her back pressed into the mattress and he adjusted his position. Her legs lifted in the air, knees almost pressed into her chest, and Rey cried out as he rutted into her hard and deep from a different angle. It felt amazing. Their bond coming to life. Emotions and sensations causing an overload. Sweat slicked skin slapping against each other lewdly. His hands were gripping the back of her thighs to keep their position. His eyes flashed with a hunger like Kylo, setting a brutal pace with each thrust inside her. He filled her so perfectly. She felt everything. Rey was close. So was he. They usually came together. Another side-effect of the bond.

“Ben!” she cried out as her orgasm ripped through her with a suddenness. He rode the waves with her, and she felt him empty himself deep inside. He laid her legs down and settled over her for a moment, trying to catch his breath in her shoulder. Rey wrapped her arms around him and kissed his temple. This was the best part. Just holding him after. When he was at his most vulnerable, too weak to even pull away. She didn’t mind his weight.

“I could wake up like this for the rest of my life,” he confessed against her skin.  
She couldn’t stop smiling. A small sliver of light from the two rising suns filled their little hut, and it felt like the perfect way to start the day. “Who says we can’t?” she questioned with a sigh, and her hold on him tightened just a bit.

*******

“Touch it Rey. Just close your eyes and feel the weight of it in your hands. Focus on the shape and texture. Eyes closed, stop looking at me like that.”

Rey snickered at his frustration, closing her eyes once more before she reached out towards the book in her hand. The materials were ancient. Scribbled notes passed down from one generation after the next. Wisdom and knowledge of the Force lived between its pages. She felt like it could fall apart in her hands if she wasn’t careful. “I really don’t see the point of all this,” she sighed, shaking her head.

Ben huffed at her resistance, leaving the couch to stand behind her. She shivered as his lips brushed her ear. His hand covered over her eyes, and she found herself squirming from the faint stirrings of arousal in her belly. “You can’t read the words, Rey, but there is always something to be learned… even from touch. Thousands of years ago the Je’daii lived as one with the Force. We do not fade. We are luminous, and we have an impact on everything we touch. This book is connected to their legacy, Rey. Don’t think. _Feel._ Let the Force take you where you need to go. Reach out and let it show you who wrote those words. His face. His life. His relationship with the Force. The memories are alive. Significant points in time imprinted for us to experience and understand,” he whispered calmly.

Rey swallowed hard and took a deep breath. His hands slipped from over her eyes, his presence drifting into the back of her mind, a quiet observer. Her palm pressed into the cover. Letting go of everything she’d ever believed. Anything was possible with the Force. A deep breath. Another. She reached out for the power surrounding her and the book, and waited to see what could happen.

_The pen is light in his hands. His eyes gleam with wonder as he is compelled to share this experience. The light fills him with hope, while the dark ignites his passion. He glances up and watches his beloved with their child. So much agony. So much death. He has conquered worlds in darkness and light. He has fallen and risen so many times before. He has loved deeply, and found love in return. ‘I am reborn. My darkness. My light. Hatred and wisdom. Without me, I am nothing. Without me, you could not see. I am whole. I will show you the Force.’_

Rey opened her eyes. Ben had returned to the couch, staring at her, and she got the feeling he’d seen everything she had. “That was… incredible,” she finally spoke.

He reached out and took back the book from her hands. “It’s called psychometry. You have a gift for it. Not everyone sees the same things, but the visions these objects give us can be extremely useful. With practice you could use it for tracking, or it could even help you connect with someone far away.”

Ben had been reading Luke’s ancient books religiously, studying every chapter, and analyzing everything he’d learned. He’d already caught up and surpassed her in his understanding of the Force. With his memories returning, she could sense his power like never before. It wasn’t until now that she realized how much he’d been holding back when they fought on Starkiller base. Even then she’d been his one true weakness. They hadn’t known each other yet. “When we first met you offered to teach me the ways of the Force. I never actually thought I’d be taking you up on the offer,” she mused.

Ben’s eyes darkened, drifting away from the present for a moment. She’d come to resent that blank expression on his face. It meant he was remembering something, and it never failed to make her nervous. “I remember the cold. Our sabers clashing together and lighting up your face. You closed your eyes and I’d never seen anything so beautiful.”

When he finally met Rey’s gaze, she could see the regret in his eyes. He knew. He knew he’d once served under Snoke and the First Order. He’d never even told her that those memories had returned, and despite their connection, she’d never suspected how much he was remembering. “You remember that?”

“Look Rey, I understand why you didn’t tell me. It’s all in the past. Snoke seduced me to the dark side, was influencing my life long before I met you. That accident, losing my memory, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Snoke killed my father, Rey. I feel him trying to crawl back inside my mind, but I won’t let him win this time. I have you… and you make me stronger. You keep me in balance.” 

Ben watched her wince, misinterpreting it as disbelief. He still didn’t know the truth about Han Solo’s death. She’d swallowed down the secret deep inside, but it kept poking at her ribs, cutting at her from the inside. It was turning into a shadow of fear and desperation, and Kylo’s warning still repeated in her mind. _‘I sense the dark side in you.’_

He moved closer to her on the couch, forcing her to unfold her legs so he could crawl between them. She’d tied up her hair, but there were always loose curls, and he tucked them behind her ears with affection. His eyes were unwavering. This thing between them was giving him something to hold onto, and the shroud of Snoke’s shadow could not penetrate his feelings for her. Rey had never seen him so resolute. He was on his knees between her legs, and she wrapped them around his hips. 

“What I remember clearly, is you flinging me off a cliff to save my uncle, and then later saving me from a watery grave despite the fact that we were enemies. I remember you taking care of me when I didn’t even know my own name. You worry about me constantly, and you’re terrified I’ll remember everything and leave you, but that’s not going to happen, Rey. I’m not your parents. Back on Ahch-To I asked for us to be friends, but from the moment I met you… that’s never been what I wanted.” His forehead pressed against hers for a moment, his hands resting on her hips. “You were standing in the forest when I first saw you and I touched your face. You were afraid of me. I don’t remember everything, just bits and pieces, but you fell into my arms. I knew. I knew that all I wanted was you. Nothing else mattered at that moment. Just you. The Force was ringing in my ears so loudly. This sudden explosion of destiny that I couldn’t drown out.”

She kissed him before he could say another word. Her hands buried themselves in his hair and tugged him close. Before long he was dragging her further down on the couch, pressing down on her with his weight, and deepening the kiss. Her thighs squeezed his hips, and they knew where all this was heading. The ancient book dropped to the floor and Ben smiled against her mouth. Rey would never tire of this. She’d thought destiny was a cruel master locking her up in chains, but actually embracing her connection with Ben felt freeing. The conflict over her feelings had long faded, and a sense of peace settled in her mind when they kissed.

“Too many clothes,” he complained with a growl, pulling away from her. “And this couch is far too small for what I want to do to you.”

Rey took in a sharp breath, moving her hand down his chest. She cupped him through his pants and watched his jaw go slack. “This couch will do just fine if you sit down.”

Realizing what she wanted, Ben moved back, her legs releasing their hold on him, and he immediately sat back down on the couch. She knew what he expected her to do, but she had something different in mind. He’d always been so attentive with her body, so eager to please her before he gave any thought to himself. She wanted to do something for him. Rey pulled his shirt off, kissing his neck. Ben immediately groaned, his hands shooting out to her hips, urging her closer, but she grabbed his wrists and placed them down at his sides. _‘No touching me, Ben.’_ She knew he could hear her.

Rey gave special attention to his adam’s apple, feeling it move under her lips as he swallowed. He was starting to smell like the desert after it’s rained. It was familiar to her. He smelled like dust and earth, and that faint odor that was uniquely his. She wouldn’t be able to describe it if asked, but it was purely masculine in her mind, and it made her stomach tense up. 

Rey continued exploring down his broad shoulders, sucking at his clavicle. His muscles were hard and straining, as if he’d snap at any second. She knew how much control it took to keep still. Perhaps this was about revenge too. Her chance to finally show him what he did to her, how he affected her. Her hands moved over his chest and abdomen. The bruising around his ribs was almost gone completely. Her fingertips brushed over his side, following the lines of melted flesh from Chewbacca’s blaster. She remember how he’d beaten the wound, with blood dripping to stain the snow. He was psyching himself up for a fight, feeding off his anger and his pain. The scar was ugly, and she leaned down to kiss it. Ben’s hands gripped the couch cushions so hard she was sure they’d eventually tear.

There were other scars. Too many to count. Rey knew the story of a few, but most happened long before they’d met. She wished she could erase every last one of them, but perhaps there was something important about them. Memories that he could carry and learn from. Events in his life that gave him pain, but also changed him. Each scar connecting to the next until the last one led him to her. She unzipped Ben’s pants and glanced up at him. His eyes were black, jaw still hanging open as if he couldn’t quite believe what she was doing.

Rey licked her lips and pulled him free, while the other hand yanked at his pants. Ben’s hips lifted up to assist her. She’d found his size pleasing from the very beginning. She could wrap her hand around at the base, but her hand was a little too small. Rey was on her knees between his legs. She closed her eyes for a second, attempting a little experiment of her own. She reached out with the Force and overwhelmed his mind with images of his hardness buried deep inside her. Her hand began to move. The noise he made, like a choking sound, it gave her so much delight. When she opened her eyes his head had fallen back into the couch. She licked her lips one last time and wrapped them around the head of his cock.

“Ugh,” Ben moaned, about all he was capable of doing, his mind swept up in too much sensation. Her hand was pumping him, giving her wrist a slight twist and using their connection to see what brought him the most pleasure. The liquid leaking from the tip was salty, but she didn’t mind the taste. She’d never actually tried this before, and Rey found it thrilling. He was at her mercy while she pleasured him, and all the pain drifted back into the darkness for a while. All the bad that he’d done in Snoke’s name, all the terrible nights without sleep or worse… enduring nightmares, they could disappear. Ben could be happy for once. Just a man with a woman who loved him.

Rey pulled back to lick at the underside of his cock along the vein, bringing him back into her mouth and sucking deeply. His hips jerked, and Ben was tugging her back. “Rey, stop… this is amazing,” he whispered. She looked up at him and he was staring back down. Her hand continued to move, keeping a steady pace. “I need… I want…” he stuttered, struggling to clear his head, shake the cloud of lust fogging his brain. “Inside you.”

She let go of him quickly and removed her own clothes. He watched her undress with hunger in his gaze, and she flushed from head to toe as his eyes drank in her naked body. Rey crawled into his lap and lowering herself smoothly onto his cock. His hands gripped her hips and he shuddered. He buried his face into her shoulder, and took a breath before she could move. He was already so close, desperately clinging to his control. She needed time to adjust anyway. She never tired of how he filled her, how absolutely perfect he felt. Eventually his hips began to move and she met his every thrust. She closed her eyes tightly and thought only of her release, how her body stiffened, muscles fluttering around his hardness while he moved faster and deeper.

They were so in sync it felt like they ceased to be two people. His thoughts flooded her mind. Urging her to move faster. Every need immediately given with a simple thought. No words necessary. This was the best part of their connection. This ability to just know. Dual sensations and shared emotions. How desperate he was for her. To bury himself inside her as deeply as he could. How he understood everything she wanted, found every spot that made her scream. Their building desire, quickened pace, so close… so very close. Rey couldn’t breathe anymore, and she felt the moment Ben came. The waves of ecstasy descended upon their bond, and she was pulled with him. They cried out together, holding on tight, endorphins flooding their system till reality melted away and all they had was each other.

Rey held tight against his chest and he kissed her temple. She felt like crying as her arms wrapped around his neck. “Rey… sweetheart,” he whispered. She closed her eyes, almost shaking under the weight of such a powerful orgasm. Their bond heightened everything, every sensation, every touch, made the world feel like it was ending and beginning at the same time. Sometimes it was a little too much. Too intense. Too earthshattering. “I love you.”

She knew. Rey pulled back and smiled down at him. He looked almost nervous, as if afraid there was any other response she could possibly give. She poured everything into a kiss, so much more than lips and tongue. She wanted him to feel how desperately she needed him. “I love you too.”

*******

Ben’s arms were wrapped around her as they sat outside watching the suns set. A purple and redish hue filled the sky, and made the sands shimmer with color. They’d both seen things more beautiful than this, but that was before they had each other. Those memories were lost and insignificant because they were enjoyed alone. Rey knew the desert. She’d watched suns set and rise, seen the desert sands shift and change, and enjoyed the stars shining so brightly it felt like daytime. However, she’d never sat between Ben’s legs with her back flush against his chest, enjoying his warmth during those moments. Nothing felt the same. Nothing could compare to this.

“Luke never contacted us today. Do you think he’s alright?” Ben asked.

Rey took a deep breath, eyes fluttering sleepily as his shoulder became her pillow. “I hope so. I know he’s focused on tracking whoever it is that might be working for Snoke. He might not be able to contact us right now. It might be too dangerous.”

She sensed his hesitation, a thought or feeling he couldn’t shake. It was making him anxious. “Ben, what’s wrong?” she finally asked.

“It’s nothing… I mean, it’s probably nothing,” he dismissed, but he could sense her too. She wouldn’t be letting him off so easy, and his arms tightened around her middle. “I just have a bad feeling.”

It was more than a bad feeling. He was actually sensing something now. Rey felt it too. A darkness at the edges of his perceptions… the shadows creeping up, but they only moved when no one was looking. Ben could sense this disturbance in the Force, recognized it as familiar, like a face in a crowd. Whoever Luke was hunting, they were obviously someone from Ben’s past. It made Skywalker’s mission even more urgent than before. Snoke wasn’t just going to give up his apprentice without a fight. He wasn’t going to sacrifice years and years of grooming just to let go of Kylo Ren. His training had been completed. He was a threat to the First Order. That made him a prime target. They both were, and Luke as well. They needed to remain vigilant. 

“I don’t want you to worry, Rey.”

“It’s not exactly something I can turn off.”

He kissed her temple. His affection for her dancing along the chord that tied them together. He kept quiet, and she knew it was because he didn’t want to ruin the moment. With all the conflict they’d both endured in such a short period of time, it was a relief to finally have a moment to just sit still and be happy together. Rey had spent her entire life wishing for adventure, and now that she’d experienced that life, she treasured the still moments so much more than she ever had before. 

One of the suns had already fallen behind the horizon, and the other was well on its way to follow her sister. The sky was getting dark, and stars were already shining brightly enough to twinkle above their heads. The temperature had dropped, but Ben was keeping her warm. Her lips curled as she closed her eyes. She could almost fool herself into believing this was their lives now. That the Force had brought them together so they could just live in this moment and avoid all the trials and tribulations others had to endure. Nothing bad would ever happen to them again. They were safe. Safe from the darkness. Safe from Snoke. If Rey tried hard enough, she could believe the lie. She could pretend nothing was going to change, and Ben’s instincts were wrong. It was a beautiful lie. A perfect denial. There was nothing left to be afraid of.

Rey fell fast asleep in Ben’s arms.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may guess... shit will hit the fan. Also, I'm gonna post the next chapter Friday. So you get three updates this week! Yay! Let me know what you think, please! I can live on bread crumbs! :)


	12. “Till The Siren Come Calling”

**“In the morning I'll make you breakfast  
In the evening I'll warm the bed  
And I'll always be happy to kiss you  
Promise I'll never get sad  
Till the siren come calling calling  
It's driving me evil evil  
I was a heart breaker I loved you  
The same way I do  
But I've got so much wickedness and sin” – Bat For Lashes ‘Siren Song’**

It was so faint, like a whisper in a thunderstorm. He barely noticed it echoing in his skull, manifesting more as a feeling than a voice. Calling to him. Waiting for him. A ghost of a shadow. A monster in the dark. Ben opened his eyes, greeted by the night, and sat up in bed. It spoke a name that wasn’t his, but the call was meant for him. This call whispering for _“Ren….”_

Ben could see Rey sleeping peacefully beside him. He’d carried her inside, managing not to wake her up in the process. He resisted the temptation to do it now. The shadow wanted him, not Rey. He wouldn’t put her in danger. He shoved off the covers and got out of bed. Dressing in some black pants and a cream colored shirt, with sleeves that folded to his elbows. His belt was hanging from a post at the bottom of the bed, and he hooked it on. It fit low around his waist, his father’s, no doubt. 

The call grew louder. More insistent. Anticipation bleeding through as the voice realized Ben could hear him now. _“Ren….”_

His movements were smooth, as if programmed somewhere deep inside, a siren call. He felt numb and chilled from the inside out. His heart beat steadily, but his blood felt like acid in his veins. His breaths were shallow, as if something was pressed against his chest. There was no fear. No hesitation. Steady hands reached out into the darkness and Rey’s lightsaber flew into his hands. Strange. He was almost certain it had resisted him once. Yet now it came with such an eagerness, as if the saber _knew_ what this was. Perhaps this was the will of the Force. The dark side was calling and it was time to come and face his demon. Ben’s lightsaber was latched to his belt as he walked towards the door, sparing a last glance at Rey’s sleeping form. 

_“Face me, Ren.”_

Ben swallowed down the lump in his throat and closed his eyes. He only hoped she would forgive him when she finally woke up. This was his chance to prove himself to her. To show everyone that things were different now. He could be strong. He could face the dark side and not succumb to it. He could be a better man for Rey. _“I’m coming….”_

He left the bedroom and walked towards the kitchen to grab something quick to eat and water. He knew where to go. It wouldn’t take long. The Jundland Wastes, a dangerous place for anyone without a weapon. Tusken Raiders would be waiting. Luke Skywalker mentioned several places to keep away from. That was one of them. Ben was never very good at obeying… but he knew how to listen, and the only thing he could hear was the siren’s call.

*******

It was the middle of the night, with a biting cold in the air, and Ben traveled the rocky terrain with skills only a Jedi could possess. Unlike when he’d been climbing towards the dark cave on Ahch-To, Ben’s body was not protesting. He was fit and ready for anything. It was difficult to see, but he couldn’t risk making himself a target. He took it slow. He traveled like a blind man, and used the Force to guide him. When he reached out, the dark side continued to pull at him, tugging him forward with such urgency. It clawed at his mind like a hungry predator, drooling and snarling, but Ben refused to fear it’s angry growl.

He kept low to the ground, painfully aware of how tall he was, and what an easy target he could make for raiders. His fingers dragged over the rocks, sensing all those that came before him. Sand people mostly, mindless savages, yet traveling like a herd with families. Some things were just universal. Ben sensed the dark side too. It set his teeth on edge, pouring in around him as if greeting an ally and a foe. He felt the power waiting for him, at his disposal, but all it really wanted was blood, and anyone’s would do.

His shirt clung to the sweat of his back, and he’d finished his water a little too soon. He was close. The dark presence was oppressive, suffocating, and it felt like Ben was being drowned all over again. Rey wouldn’t be around to save him this time. No one could protect him from this. It was his path to take. It felt like a test. His memories still left too many gaps, but the things he saw were full of a suffering that only the dark side was capable of. Snoke’s power over him had been undeniable, but an accident that should have killed him… it saved his life instead. He’d been freed from Snoke’s control. He could see beyond the lies and the twisted half-truths. 

This was his trial. He would take his stand against the dark side and free himself of Snoke completely. Sever all ties with the creature that killed his father. Ben looked up at the stars, his light and his guide. They sprinkled the sky like diamond dust on a black background, and he savored the view. Rey would be proud of him. She’d kill him for leaving, but secretly proud. She gave him courage and strength. He would not stop fighting until he was worthy of her love.

“Kylo Ren.”

Ben’s eyes lifted to the outlined figure of a man standing on the rocks up ahead. The large cliff side where he’d been traveling went straight up at least ten feet, with jagged footholds that would be difficult to climb. The voice was deep and raspy like he’d just knocked down a glass of the strongest whiskey. His arms were folded, legs spread apart, and he was staring down at Ben as if he’d just won a prize. The name made him nervous. It felt like a curse, and his hands tightened into fists. He’d come a long way for this. For answers. For a fight. All of it, and none of it. He said nothing, refusing to accept the name. 

The shadow tilted his head. “It’s true then. You _have_ forgotten.” He crouched down for a moment, as if somehow the small change in distance might help him understand Ben better. “Snoke has been awaiting your return.”

“Snoke is no longer my master,” he finally responded.

“I see… yes, have you returned to the light then? Are you now basking in the joy of Master Skywalker once more?” he questioned mockingly. His laughter was spiteful and harsh. He shook his head in displeasure. “You really think you can go back _now_? After everything? All that you’ve done?”

“Better to help the Resistance than return to a murderous psychopath that torments children,” Ben growled.

The figure jumped from the high ground, and Ben took a step back, keeping his distance. The dark Force wielder stood tall, just an inch or two shorter than Ben. His clothing was dark brown and grey, with a large leather trench coat that seemed out of place in the desert. “And how do you think the Resistance will take to a murderous dark Jedi who mercilessly killed his own father? You think your mother will open her arms freely… to you? Perhaps when she closes them the knife will pierce your kidney and you’ll die an agonizing death against her breast.”

Ben recoiled, taking another step back. The imagery disgusted him, and his anger rose in seconds. “I would never! I would never hurt my father! He wasn’t perfect… but he was a good man! Snoke killed Han Solo!”

Again he laughed, harder this time, and dramatically wiped at his eyes as if he were crying. He looked half-drunk as he staggered closer. Ben’s hands twitched towards his lightsaber. “Is that what they told you?! WHAT OTHER LIES HAVE THEY SPREAD?!” he shouted, laughing with a madness that made Ben nervous. “You pathetic fool! You are useless to Snoke like this! Why he should care about your return, I have no idea... so easily corrupted! So easy to manipulate! It’s a wonder your mind functions at all!”

Ben’s eyes narrowed. “Why would I ever believe you over my own family?! They saved my life!”

The shadow’s laughter finally faded, his eyes flashing yellow in the night. “Believe what you want, Ren. Whatever helps you sleep at night, but deep down you know I’m not lying. We were all quite impressed. We didn’t think you had it in you. As Snoke tells it… you lured him close with the promise of coming home, holding out your lightsaber as a token… then stared into his eyes as you ignited your weapon into his chest. How did it feel to pierce him, Ren? To feel his hand touch your face even as you pulled your lightsaber free and let him fall? I can only imagine. My parents died long before I was ever given such an opportunity.”

“Stop it,” Ben whispered. His eyes closed, heart beating faster, visons of the cave flashing through his mind. The figure dressed in black. Standing over him with so much hatred. His father’s hand touching his face. Touching the scar. The look of shock as his life drained away. The memories pressed against his nerves causing shockwaves. The dark side swirled around him in interest. “You’re a liar!”

“Did you feel his life drain away before he fell? Or was he still alive as he dropped into the abyss of Starkiller base? Tell me, Ren! Tell me how it felt to kill Han Solo! How did it feel to surrender to the dark side… heart and soul?!”

“You will be silent!” Ben shouted, hands clasping over his ears as the shadow cackled in derision. He felt it. It was rising through him like vomit, but instead of spilling from his mouth, it shot into his mind. The memory filled his thoughts so violently… and Ben staggered back, choking from the impact.

_‘My son is alive.’_

_‘No, the Supreme Leader is wise.’_

_Stepping closer. Han’s eyes pleading with him, determined to bring back his son. ‘Snoke’s using you for your power. When he’s gotten everything he wants, he’ll crush you. You know it’s true.’_

_He is at war. Of two minds. One aching for home, and the other desperate to fulfill his destiny. ‘It’s too late.’ He’s already sealed his fate. Killed so many. Burned bridges that can never be rebuilt. There is no going back. What would he return to? More isolation? More mistrust? They would not understand. They would never accept him. He would be an outcast. This is who he is now, it’s where he belongs. He has embraced the dark side and he is not ready to give it up._

_‘No… it’s not. Come home. We miss you.’_

_The words eat at him, because he knows they are true. Tears. His vision blurs. His struggle rages inside. He cannot do this, but he must. ‘I’m being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain.’ His voice wavers. Pressure against his chest, hands tremble. His father is so close now, aching to embrace his son as he watches Kylo Ren break down. He won’t, he won’t, he won’t. No never. Not his father, but he must. The light seduces him, blinding. ‘I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.’ His father’s eyes are soft. He cannot do this alone. Destiny is waiting. He must be strong. ‘Will you help me?’_

_‘Anything,’ Han promises. He knows not what he says. Kylo won’t explain. He still hasn’t decided how his father will help. Still can’t figure out who wins in this struggle. Light or dark? Shadows dance around him and he knows Snoke is waiting. Watching._

_Ren unclips his lightsaber, holding it out towards his father. His father’s hand reaches for the weapon, and for a minute there is hope and relief. For a minute he can believe this memory will end well. Nothing bad happens. This is when he comes home. Only eventually the light fades, as it always does. The darkness descends, clawing for control. The fiery beam from Ren’s lightsaber pierces Han Solo with such a suddenness even Kylo is surprised. The pressure in his chest, in his heart, shatters everything. ‘Thank you.’_

_A warm hand against his cheek. His father asks for forgiveness and it stuns him almost as much as his own actions. Love pours into his soul, bleeding into him as the hand falls away and the body of his father disappears. Kylo drops to his knees as power escapes him, mind reeling, and everything goes numb. There is no relief from the conflict. Only more pain. Only the ghost of his father’s eyes, and a searing burn across his face. This is not what was supposed to happen. Ben Solo… Kylo Ren. He splinters. He splinters so violently that insanity and darkness are all that’s left of him now. He’s made the worst mistake of his life._

Tears stung Ben’s eyes and he dropped to the ground just as on the bridge. No. Please no. He didn’t want to believe it. The creature. The monster. All him. He was going to be sick. He crouched down, buried his hands in his hair. The memory repeating in his mind, mocking him. Rey…. Why hadn’t she told him the truth? Why would she lie to him? The rations from earlier violently expelled from his system and onto the sand. Rey….

The shadow loomed over him, leaning down, and he smelled like ash and dust. His breath reeked of alcohol, and his speech was filled with venom. “Han Solo was a smuggler and a thief. He deserved to die.”

Ben’s blood ran cold. His eyes opened slowly, as black as the sky without stars. For a moment he was so still, not a muscle moved. Fury was burning at his bones like nothing he’d ever felt before. The dark side rejoiced. All he saw was red, blood red. It covered over his eyes like a visor. His mind as black as a wild animal, muscles tightening like a spring. He’d been wound up, pulled to his limit, and when he attacked it was in a mindless rage. 

The shadow was prepared for it, grasping his lightsaber just in time to block Ben’s swing. Blue and red. He couldn’t stop seeing that moment in his mind. Han Solo’s face. The regret. The way his body fell into the abyss as if he’d never been there to begin with. With each swing of his saber he could only see that memory through red eyes. He screamed, reckless, faster than he’d ever been. Power surged through him. The shadow could only defend himself. Ben was hammering him back with such force and malice that nothing would slow him down.

“Kylo Ren returns!” the shadow bellowed, breathlessly. “Snoke will be pleased!”

Ben kicked his chest, sending him against the rock. The shadow grunted, ducking out of the way as the saber came down towards his head. They spun to face each other once more. Ben’s wrist twisting his saber, spinning it around. His eyes wide, seeing only his target, the source of his rage. His weapon was light in weight, and superior in craftsmanship. He dove forward after the shadow. He saw fear through the red. It only made him stronger. He wanted this pathetic creature dead. This shadow that had dragged him back from bliss with this memory that wouldn’t stop repeating. Tormenting him. If he was to be a monster, he would behave like one, starting with the shadow.

Something inside him sparked to life, in his training, more memories. A desire he had not satisfied in too long. In the red he could see through the Force… a spark of life inside the shadow. While his lightsaber swung wildly at the enemy, his mind reached out towards the spark. Eager to take it. His enemy weakening. Shuddering. “What… what are you doing? What are you doing to me?!”

He hungered. Like prey, he called the siren to him, desperate to destroy him, body and soul. The shadow was growing faint. He could feel it. The stronger Ben got, the weaker the shadow became. He dropped to the ground, blocking Ben’s rapid blows. The spark dimming. Dark memories flowed into his mind and crowded out Han’s faces. This pathetic creature’s mind opened with a violent tear. Ancient planets of the Sith. Cantinas and whore houses. Death sticks and alcohol. Anything to numb his own painful memories. No wonder he smelled like ash.

Ben growled at his demon, soaking wet with sweat, and staring through the red at wide eyes that knew how this would end. One last blow. No mercy. “BEN STOP!”

His eyes lifted. Rey. The shadow rolled away, his lightsaber forgotten as he tried to escape. Ben reached out with the Force, calling the other saber to him and ignited it just in time to block the shadow’s escape. “Where do you think you’re going?!” he hissed with a snarl.

“Ben, please! Don’t kill him!” Rey begged, taking a step forward.

“How did you find me?!” he asked her, his anger still surging through him. The dark side swirled around him like a poison gas. _Kill him. Breathe deeply. Hold. Take the spark. Take the spark. Turn him to ashes at your feet. KILL HIM._

“I… I used psychometry. You taught me. You said it could be used for tracking. I… I woke up and you weren’t there.” Rey was standing only a few feet below. Staring at him and his sabers, red and blue. Both weapons were pointed at his target, boxing him in along the rock that curved even further up the mountainous region. “Ben please. You can’t do this.”

Ben’s anger only sunk deeper into his gut. “You **lied** to me! You told me Snoke killed my father, but I remember! You were there! You saw me! I KILLED MY OWN FATHER AND YOU LIED!”

There were tears falling down both their faces. Part of him still ached to see her upset, but the red clouded his vision. He turned back to his target, keeping the spark weak, just barely alive. He wanted to run him through with both lightsabers in his hands. Rey took a step closer. “I’m so sorry, Ben! I’m so sorry! I know! I just… I didn’t want any of this! Snoke manipulated you for so long. It didn’t feel like a lie! It may have been your lightsaber, but it was _him_ pulling the strings!”

Ben shook his head. “No, Rey! You don’t get to change history! You don’t get to choose who is wicked and who is innocent. I… I killed him. I’m the monster. The creature in the mask. Me.”

“I refuse to believe that! Ben! Don’t you dare think like that! No one that’s made me as happy as you have could ever be a monster! Ben, please… just stop.”

_Kill him. End this._ Ben couldn’t breathe. The dark side was so overwhelming, like nothing he’d ever known. His anger. His pain. It was all there to tap into. He felt like he could move mountains, and topple entire kingdoms. He felt like he could rise to the heavens and tear them down; but mostly… mostly he just felt numb. He could cut and tear at his skin and it wouldn’t matter because Ben would feel none of it. Rey’s eyes were staring back at him, begging him not to kill, but that’s who he was. He was a killer. A murderer. Han Solo’s murderer. What was the difference anymore? The death of a father. The death of a shadow. “My name isn’t Ben Solo,” he told her. “It’s Kylo Ren.” He turned back towards the shadow and plunged both sabers into the shadow’s legs.

The shadow shrieked in agony, dropping to the ground in an instant. Rey shrank away for a moment, but her eyes widened when she realized the shadow still lived. He could think of only one thing now. The shadow had a vehicle. A means of escape. Ben wanted out. The red was fading. The dark side groaned at his restraint. His power fading. Strength failed him. Ben Solo was weak. Even now… so weak.

He turned off both sabers, dropping his grandfather’s at Rey’s feet. He ignored everything else. Only her. The memory burned in his skull. He tried to push it away, but it refused to budge. It was a part of him now. Solid. Unlocked, and refusing to be forgotten again. Rey looked back at him, and he could feel the distance. Just a few feet, but there might as well have been a giant gully between them, yet another one to end this fight, separating them as if the Force itself willed it.

“Just tell me why. Why couldn’t you have told me the truth?”

Rey looked away for a moment. He waited. She was trying to collect her thoughts. Maybe she didn’t even have the answer. When she met his gaze, she looked so terribly sad. “I was afraid I would lose you if you knew the truth. I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to take it.”

Ben nodded. “You were right,” he assured her softly, turning away from her as he jumped for the rocky high ground above. It was where the shadow had come from. Ben still held onto the shadow’s saber in his hand, and when he looked down at it, he felt it suited him just fine. He latched it to his belt, claiming it as his own.

“Ben! Wait! Where are you going?!” she called after him, tears streamed down her face, and he knew he was hurting her. They were hurting each other.

Once he’d climbed up he peered down at her, memorizing her face, because he didn’t know what would become of him now. He didn’t know what his actions would cost him… the actions that would break a promise. The shadow lay nearby, barely conscious, spark so weak it would fade without treatment. Through the shroud of dark side energy still swirling inside him, he saw the secret place where the shadow had left his speeder. A swoop bike, and a newer model at that. It would suit his needs fine. “I can’t do this, Rey. Take him. Contact Luke. Learn whatever you can.” He needed distance. Distance from Rey. Distance from the memories. The Force told him to run, as far and as fast as he could. There was something waiting for him in the desert. Clarity, he hoped. He wasn’t really sure _what_ he was looking for anymore.

“Come home, Ben, please” she urged him. His heart ached at her petitions, but he shook his head anyway. He couldn’t. Not like this. He was afraid for her, for himself. When she reached out for him in their bond he cut her off. Building walls around himself until nothing else existed but the darkness of his mind, desperate for isolation despite the damage it would inflict. His actions startled her, and her eyes widened in a panic. “Ben, I love you.”

Her words made him bleed, and he felt his own face stain with tears. “I know,” he answered, “but I’m not _me_ anymore.” Ben turned away from her and ran. He blocked out her shouts. His ears were ringing anyway. The moment he found the speeder he was gone. Frantic as he left Rey behind. He didn’t know what to believe anymore. He didn’t know if he could trust her. He didn’t trust himself. The light inside him was dying so rapidly. He’d failed this trial. Utterly failed. Weak Solo. This was why Kylo had defeated him. The memory of his father’s death consumed him like a black hole. Feeding the dark energies that had choked out his light. All he could see was his father’s stunned eyes glowing in the light of his red saber… and it felt like Ben Solo was dying all over again.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter DJ the mysterious Jedi... and yeah, things get bad. Next week I'll post on my regular days. The next two chapters happen at the same time, Rey's perspective and Ben's. Please do comment. I'd love to know what you think.


	13. “We Will Be Invincible”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post this chapter early because Monday is gonna be a crazy day and I just didn't want to worry about updating. This chapter was a real struggle in balancing Rey's strength and what it's like when you're in love, but bad things happen. I hope I pulled it off. I really wanted her to shine in this chapter.

**“This shattered dream you cannot justify  
We're gonna scream until we're satisfied  
What are we running for? We've got the right to be angry  
What are we running for when there's nowhere we can run to anymore?  
We can't afford to be innocent  
Stand up and face the enemy  
It's a do or die situation   
We will be invincible” – Pat Benatar ‘Invincible’**

There was a moment. A terrible moment when she felt a sensation similar to death. That was the only way she could describe it. Her body was as cold as ice and the world went dark. Her lungs refused to move. Her heart dropped its steady rhythm. All she could hear was the silence. In that instant she knew oblivion. It was not as terrifying as she’d imagined. There was nothing incredibly dramatic about the experience. It just felt like the life was drained out of her, soaking into the sand like blood. Rey wasn’t dead though, but something inside her was. The link between her and Ben. She couldn’t feel it anymore. He was gone and she was alone again. It felt like agony. It felt like death.

Rey wasn’t really sure what had happened. One minute she’d been begging him, _pleading_ with him not to leave her. The next minute she’d realized she was sitting in the sand beside the unconscious body Ben had almost wiped out in his anger. Her legs were tucked to her chest, and arms wrapped around her knees. She’d been crying, bawling like the pathetic child who’d watched her parents fly away all those years ago. She wasn’t sure she could stop. So empty. Why was she so empty inside? The suns were rising, burning at her exposed skin, but she didn’t actually feel it. She felt nothing. Ben was gone.

She needed to pull herself out of this, or she really would die. Dangers all around, and eventually something would find her. She just wished she knew what to do. How to fix herself. Why did she feel so broken? Ben was the broken one, not her. It wasn’t like the bond had always been there. It was new. She’d lived for _years_ without Ben’s mind connected to her own. So why should she feel like this? Like she’d lost a limb. Abandoned. Left behind all over again. He’d promised. He’d promised her he wouldn’t, but she lied and he left. She wasn’t burning anymore, because now Rey felt like ash.

_**Move.** Just move._ Was it really so hard? She’d spent her entire life in a fight for survival, but somehow losing Ben was enough to destroy her? She couldn’t accept that. Rey wouldn’t accept that. She was better than this, and she knew it. There’d been life before Ben Solo, and there could be life afterwards. Rey needed to find a way to move; force her limbs to obey her. **Stand up.** She could hear something, feel something, and she knew her life was in peril. At risk of being found, attacked without hesitation. There were more dangers lurking in the rock and dust. She had to pull herself together. There was no other choice. She would not die on this miserable, sandy rock. If that had been her destiny, she could have stayed on Jakku.

It was so jarring to be alone in her head. Her thoughts echoed in the emptiness, and it made her ache. She felt hollowed out, so agonizingly empty. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. _Her fault._ Why couldn’t she have just told him the truth? Rey struggled to her feet wearily, reaching for her lightsaber and contemplating the body lying at her feet. He would surely die from his wounds if she left him here… or something else would kill him. The question was how to bring him back to the hut. She wasn’t quite sure she had the energy to drag a body for such a long distance. It hadn’t felt long when she’d been running in the dark. All she’d had on her mind was the rage and pain burning through her link with Ben. He was suffering and nothing else had mattered. So she found him. She stopped him… but then he _ran_.

**Focus.** Unconscious man. She needed to bring him to Luke somehow. She had the comlink. She’d kept it close after they last spoke in case of an emergency. This was an emergency, wasn’t it? She pulled it from her pocket, somehow she’d switched it off. Rey turned on the power and took a deep breath. Her voice sounded wrong when she spoke, not quite hers. “Luke… this is Rey.”

**“Rey?! Finally! Tell me where you are? I sensed a disturbance in the Force! We’ve been trying to contact you! What’s happened?!”**

He was already coming. Of course he was. She could hear him shouting over the wind. She swallowed hard and tried to keep her voice steady. Tears were still falling down her cheeks, and she didn’t have the energy to care or feel embarrassed. “I… I think Ben was lured out to the Jundland Wastes. One of Snoke’s… the one you were looking for, but Ben fought him. He… he almost killed him. He’s remembering everything, Luke.” She pressed her palm into her forehead, the emptiness actually _hurt_. Her head was pounding now. “He… he just left me here. I lied to him and he left.” She wanted to be angry with him for that, but how could she? She was the one who lied.

**“Rey… I need you to sit tight. Keep hidden. Try to reach out with the Force, search for me. Call to me. I’ll be able to find you quicker that way. Try to focus. I’m tracking you through the comlink now, but your signal is weak.”**

She nodded even though Luke wouldn’t be able to see her. “He cut me off from him, Luke. I… I can’t feel him anymore and it hurts. My head _hurts_.” More tears. Why couldn’t she stop crying? She was better than this. Stronger than this. 

**“I know… I know, Rey. You have to focus. I don’t think it’s permanent. He wouldn’t know how to do that. Just… just hold on to hope. Call to me so I can find you! We’ll get Ben back! I promise.”**

So many promises. Her parents made promises, but her parents never came back. Kylo Ren had made her a promise, but now that was broken too. _Promise_. She was getting tired of that word. Rey closed her eyes anyway, trying to breathe. Her arms went limp, but she held tight to the comlink, keeping the line open even as she reached out to communicate with her master through different means. _‘Luke, please find me. I don’t want to be alone. Please…’_ Another sob ripped through her, and she returned to the ground, curling into herself, trying to focus on Luke, begging him to come get her. She couldn’t breathe. Her head was hurting, and everything was spinning. _‘Don’t want to be alone anymore.’_

*******

All she remembered was being carried by someone. The body was soft and full of fur. It was warm and cozy. It made her feel safe. She was exhausted, overheated, and the pounding in her head refused to go away. Sometimes she would get brief glimpses of something. Fear. Pain. A profound longing for death. Desperate for it, because he _remembered_ and he couldn’t live with that memory, couldn’t survive it.

Where ever Ben was, Rey knew something bad was happening, and she wasn’t around to stop it… or protect him. He was alone. In turmoil. He wasn’t pushing her away. He was pulling _himself_ away from her. Cutting her off from him, and cutting him off from her. Eventually he’d discover the cracks. Rebuild his walls even thicker to keep her away. The ache would return. The emptiness. He was fighting her so hard. Keeping everyone out and drowning in the isolation of his own making.

“Rey?”

She snuggled deeper into the arms still holding her close. A gentle growl caressed her ear and she knew where she was now. . Luke found her. Not alone. “He’s resisting me,” she whispered into Chewbacca’s chest. Her hands tightened into fists to keep from trembling. She was frantically attacking his barriers, but her efforts were in vain. “He won’t let me see what’s happening to him.”

A gloved hand pressed against the side of her face, gentle like she imagined a father would be. His thumb cleared away the tears still slipping down her cheeks, and she swallowed down another sob. “Rey, look at me.”

Rey opened her eyes fully. They were back in Luke’s hut, and she was lying on the couch in Chewie’s arms. The Wookie had refused to let her go. She was glad he hadn’t. She clung to him like a toddler, just grateful for the contact. Luke was kneeling between Chewbacca’s legs, and his face betrayed his concern for her. His eyes were soft, eyebrows raised and scrunched together. She licked her chapped lips and tried to make sense. “I told him Snoke killed Han Solo, but he’s learned the truth now. I lied to him! I don’t know why! I shouldn’t have! I didn’t think he’d handle it well. At least I got that part right.”

Air left Luke’s lungs with force, and his other hand tugged on his beard. “You shouldn’t have lied to him, Rey, but we can’t fix that now. Tell me everything that happened.”

Chewbacca’s arms tightened around her protectively, and for a moment it seemed to ease the ache in her head. She curled her fingers around the large Wookie, struggling to keep from passing out. She wasn’t sure why cutting off their bond was affecting her this way. Her body was so lethargic and weary. As if nothing in her system knew quite how to function now that Ben was gone. She hadn’t realized how deep the connection went until this moment. She feared that Ben might be enduring the same symptoms. At least she was safe. He was still out in the desert, and it was very possible his life was in danger. He wasn’t _thinking_ right. She was terrified of what he might do.

“I woke up and he was gone.” She had to pause. The memory made her heart skip a beat, because she’d woken up alone, and she just _knew_. She knew why he was gone. Rey remembered looking for her lightsaber and realizing it was missing. She had sensed Ben through their bond, but someone else was calling to him. The voice bled through to her. “He was lured away and I tracked him. Whoever that man was… he was working for Snoke and he just… he kept taunting Ben. I felt the moment his memory returned of Han’s death, and it was like everything shattered all over again. He went into a rage. The dark side was so strong inside him. It wasn’t Kylo Ren… it was something worse… something outside seeping in. His light was going out completely. By… by the time I got to him he was about to kill Snoke’s agent. His eyes… they looked different. They were yellow and red… like some sort of creature. I didn’t recognize him. I begged him not to kill. Not to give in to the dark side. He was so cold inside, and I couldn’t breathe. I felt _everything_. He was going to kill him.”

“But he didn’t,” Luke insisted. “Which means Ben is still in there somewhere, and the good in him hasn’t been driven out fully. Whatever memories haunt him, he’s different now. Hope Rey… that ought to give us hope.”

Rey pulled away from Chewbacca, turning to face Luke. Her head was still spinning and her throat felt like sandpaper was rubbing against the lining. “He’s out there alone, Luke. He’s losing himself, and it’s so much worse than before. I can’t sense him, and I don’t know how to find him! He’s trying to protect me from something… from him. I think he’s afraid of what he’s turning into.”

“His memories are returning, but that doesn’t mean Kylo Ren has to come back.”

She shook her head, because she should have known. She could barely pull air into her lungs, and it felt like her world was twisting and shuddering in protest. The emptiness in her mind was burning with a pain she’d never felt before. She couldn’t endure it. “You don’t understand! Kylo _warned_ me, Luke! He warned me that this would happen! He said Ben would get his memories back and he’d return to Snoke! He… he thinks he needs to follow Darth Vader’s path to completion! He’s going to get himself killed! I can’t lose him! I can’t!”

Chewbacca tightened his grip on her even more, and it was only then that she realized she was breathing entirely too hard. Her entire body was trembling and the tears had returned full force. She was anxious, unsettled, probably sounded hysterical to both Luke and Chewie. She didn’t really care. Sometimes people broke promises, and they let her down, but Ben hadn’t been the one to make that promise. It was Kylo Ren that had told her he wouldn’t leave. Ben wasn’t trying to leave her. He was trying to escape. Escape memories. Escape himself. Run away from this creature he envisioned living inside of him. She had to believe he would never leave her otherwise. Ben loved her. 

“Luke please!” she begged. “He’s Han’s son. He’s your nephew. We can’t just sit here and wait.”

Skywalker shook his head, and she’d never seen the Jedi Master so helpless. “What would you have me do?”

Her eyes narrowed in her determination, but the world was spinning, and her body was succumbing to exhaustion. “ _Anything_ ,” she answered. “Just do anything. I… I don’t want him to be alone.”

Luke said nothing. She knew that look. It just made the tears flow free. _‘Where are you, Ben?’_ She tried to pull away from Chewbacca’s arms, but her sight was going dim. “Rey, you need to rest. Cutting off the bond is proving to be traumatic. You need to recover.”

“I… I have to find, Ben,” she muttered even as the world melted away and she dropped back into the arms of her Wookie companion. “Find Ben….”

*******

_This is just a dream, but not like any of the ones before. Something is different. There is no bed waiting for her, no damaged glass window to show her the stars. There is no lover in the night. Kylo Ren and Ben Solo are cut off from her now. Losing the bond feels almost as violent as cutting off a limb, and her mind recoils at the loss. The comforting connection between Ben’s mind and her own is withering away, and Rey doesn’t know what to do about it. She wants to fix it. She’s good at fixing things. At least, she used to be._

_The room where she’s spent her nights is gone. Infinity and color swirls around her till she’s dizzy and when Rey opens her eyes she sees the oceans of Ahch-To. She sits along the cliff with her legs crossed, and when she turns her head her eyes widen as she sees Ben Solo. His legs are folded like hers, and he’s staring out at the angry sea as if he’s looking for someone. “Ben?”_

_He says nothing._

_“Kylo?” she tries again._

_Still nothing._

_Her eyebrows wrinkle in confusion, and she’s not quite sure what to make of this. Has she found a crack in his walls? Has she reached him somehow through the bond? “Who are you?” she finally asks._

_He turns his head to look at her. “I’m the piece that’s left behind. I’m the part of him that will always remain.”_

_An echo. A shadow from their bond. It confirms something she’s realized all along. No matter what happens, Ben will always be with her. He dug so deep into her soul, a splinter broke off and got lodged in her heart. She’s not inclined to remove it… to remove **him**. “You’re shutting me out,” she tells him with a sigh. “I’m scared.”_

_She watches the echo carefully as he turns back towards the ocean. His eyes are intense, but the muscles in his face are relaxed. His palms rest on his knees, and his back is slightly arched for the perfect posture. His chest is too still, as if he isn’t breathing. His skin is too pale, as if his heart’s not beating. He’s just an echo. Not real. Not alive. Just a remnant. “For him, or for you?” he finally asks her._

_Rey isn’t sure why the question angers her. She twists around towards him, and resists the temptation to growl her response. He is not Ben. “For **him**! He could be hurt! He could be in danger! He shouldn’t be alone!”_

_The echo’s eyebrows wrinkle for a moment, the first real emotion she’s seen on his face, and it is confusion. “Why?”_

_“Because… because I lied to him! He killed Han Solo, and I’ve seen what that knowledge does to him, so I lied! He can’t handle it!”_

_His head tilts. The motion feels robotic. “You don’t trust him.”_

_Rey withdrawals at his words. Her head moving back at the wave of surprise that crashes against her. She refuses to believe that. “Of course I do.”_

_The echo shakes his head. “No… no you don’t. How could you? He killed his father. How do you trust a man that would murder his own family?”_

_Her eyes flash angrily, lips pressing together for a moment, nostrils flaring. “He wouldn’t hurt me.”_

_“He already has.”_

_He’s cut her off. The bond. Losing him hurts and her head still aches, but she can’t hold that against him. She’s the one that lied. “I hurt him first.”_

_“You don’t trust him,” he repeats._

_Rey pulls away, desperate to put some distance between her and this echo that refuses to listen to her. Of course she trusts Ben! She gave herself to him, body and soul. She told him she loves him. How can he accuse her when she’s given him everything? “I love him.”_

_“Sometimes we love things we don’t trust.” The echo turns to face her, pushing himself. He moves in too close, eyes searching hers with such intensity that she feels caged… trapped. She feels like this echo sees through her, and she wants to run, but he’s all she has. Maybe he can help her find Ben._

_“I trust him.” Her words don’t sound as strong as they should. Her voice wavers. “He regrets killing Han. He grieves for his father.”_

_“Maybe one day he’ll kill you too… for Snoke. He’ll run back to his master and promise loyalty once more. It’ll be your chest with a lightsaber cutting through you. There will be tears in his eyes, but he does it for Snoke. He’ll be as strong as Darth Vader was. Vader killed his true love. Luke told you so. If Vader can kill his wife, why should Kylo Ren spare you?”_

_“Enough!” Rey feels sick. She wants to cover her ears. She can’t listen to this. She can’t believe he would ever do that. “Ben Solo is NOT Darth Vader! He never will be! I trust him! I trust him with everything I am! I trust him with my body and my heart! I trust him with my soul-”_

_“But not with the truth!” the echo snaps, suddenly so angry. His eyes glow like frost, cold as ice. They hold a menace that makes her take a step back. She is shaking. His anger seems to radiate from him, burning at her skin. “Face it, Rey! You knew what would happen once his memories returned. Enemies once more. You are afraid! You’re afraid he’ll be what you always feared. The monster in the mask! The man that kills Han Solo! His own father! He’s not Ben anymore, Rey! His memories won’t stop coming, and the man you fell in love with will turn to ash just like before! He is Snoke’s puppet and he always will be!”_

_“No!” she screams, fresh tears falling from her eyes. “I won’t lose him to Snoke!”_

_The echo moves closer, lightning fast, gripping her arms so hard it hurts. He’s cruel and unforgiving. Nothing like Ben. “YOU NEVER HAD HIM TO BEGIN WITH!” This isn’t Ben. This isn’t even Kylo. He’s turning into something else. Not an echo. His eyes are almost yellow, and in an instant she knows what she’s facing. **Her** darkness. This is all her own fears. He growls at her like an animal. Taunting her._

_Rey rips herself free and runs, but the echo of her darkness is everywhere, and there is no escape. Everywhere she turns, his face, snarling at her. There’s nothing left to do, because the darkness keeps on repeating. **Don’t trust him. Don’t trust him. Never yours!** She can’t drown it out… so she screams. She closes her eyes and screams into the void until her mind goes silent again._

*******

_Her eyes open to Tatooine this time. She’s still dreaming. The suns are setting into the horizon and thick arms wrap around her. The echo. Ben. Her back is pressed tightly into his chest, and she wants to pull away, but he’s holding on and refuses to let her go. It’s too much like the evening before, like a memory, and it hurts. She tries to wipe away the tears that escape. The echo gently kisses her temple. “He’ll survive without you.”_

_She isn’t so sure. “He needs me,” she insists. “And I need him.”_

_“We need food to survive, and water. We need sleep and physical activity. We do not need love,” he whispers into her ear. His voice is so soft, but his words feel cold and devoid of all emotion._

_“What’s the point of life without love?” she questions. She remembers Jakku. She remembers loneliness. That wasn’t life._

_His lips press into the side of her neck for a moment, but she squirms away. It’s not the same as in her memories. This echo is not Ben. “Tell me, Rey. Do you love Ben because you desire him? Or do you love Ben because it’s the will of the Force?”_

_“I…” Rey hesitates, and the question shouldn’t be so difficult to answer, but it is. It was the will of the Force that pushed her into Ben’s arms, but that didn’t make it any less important to her. She knows she loves Ben. She loves the way he’d cheered up that little girl who was shunned by her brother. She loves the quiet moments when she’d get a glimpse of his wicked sense of humor. She loves his passion and his intensity. She loves his mind. Everything had happened so fast between them. The bond didn’t allow for things to develop naturally. It **felt** natural though. Wasn’t that enough? “What does it matter why I love Ben?” she finally asks, and she doesn’t miss the tremor in her voice._

_The echo hums against her skin, as if considering her words. “What is the point of life, if we don’t know why a thing matters?”_

_Rey opens her mouth to speak, but no words come to her. She doesn’t know how to respond to that question._

*******

_This time she is standing in the room she remembers, and the echo is there still. He is waiting for something. This dream is never ending and she doesn’t understand. All she wants is to wake up. Her head is still pounding and she feels like she grows weaker with every minute that passes. She should be looking for Ben. She wants out of this illusion, wants to escape the labyrinth of her mind. “I didn’t trust him. I was terrified that once his memories returned I’d lose him forever,” she finally admits. The echo is standing by the cracked window, and when his eyes turn to the glass, he smiles._

_“He knows.”_

_Those two words cut like a knife, because it’s why he left. She doesn’t trust him, and so he doesn’t trust himself. Her fears feel so pathetic, but she can’t help asking questions. Had she truly fallen in love with Ben, or with the man without his memories, innocent to his past as if reborn? Was she just afraid of him becoming the person he truly was? Afraid she wouldn’t love that person? Afraid he wouldn’t love her? “Ben makes me happy. When I was on Jakku I had no one relying on me. I had no equal. No partner. Ben is my match. That’s why he matters. He’s the challenge that I rose to, and I think we could make each other better. I want to believe that.”_

_The echo smiles, and this time it’s warm. “On Jakku you were surviving, Rey. Now… now you’re finally **living**.”_

_She nods, wrapping her arms around herself. “He makes me feel alive.”_

_He continues to stare back at her. Ben’s face. This echo deep inside her. “He feels the same way about you. Trust him, Rey. Snoke lost his loyalty the moment he first saw you. You must trust him.”_

_“How?”_

_The echo shakes his head. “I suppose you’ll just have to go bring him home… and maybe you’ll find out.”_

*******

Rey’s eyes opened slowly, and she could feel a hand against her face. She’d been sleeping on the couch, Chewbacca’s warm presence was missing now. Luke’s voice was quiet when he spoke. She wondered how long she’d been resting. “You’ve found clarity.”

The dream. It felt like a series of visions, and Rey understood now. She knew what she had to do. Her head wasn’t aching quite so badly anymore. “I have.”

“And what have you discovered?” Luke asked.

Rey took a breath, looking up at her master. “I need to go find Ben….”

*******

Luke Skywalker was staring at her, watching her pack her provisions carefully, including med equipment in case he was in a bad state. He said nothing. Chewbacca was busy tending to their prisoner who still hadn’t awoke yet. They feared it would take at least a day before he was recuperated enough to provide them with the information they needed. The shock of Ben’s sabers burning through his legs was not something a person recovered from easily. Rey still couldn’t help thinking about Finn when the doctors had spoken to her, about the pain his body had endured after fighting Kylo Ren. She worried what he would think of her when she saw him again. Would he judge her for falling in love with the man that almost killed him? Or would he trust her judgement?

Rey cleared her throat and looked over at Luke. “You know I have to do this. There’s cracks in his defense now. I feel him… just a faint glimmer in the dark, but I can sense something. I have to follow where it leads.”

Luke’s eyes were shining, though his face gave nothing away. “That’s who you are, Rey. Ben’s guardian angel,” he laughed for a moment, and even Rey had to smile. Perhaps she was. Eventually, the Jedi’s smile faded, though. A sobering thought entering his mind that needed to be shared. “Everything changes now. When you find him… he may have all his memories back. He’ll be different.”

Rey took a deep breath, shrugging the pack onto her shoulders, feeling the heavy weight increase pressure on her back and knees. The straps were rough against her skin, and she knew they’d leave an indentation. “Well… so am I,” she admitted thoughtfully.

His nodded as she walked away and exited the hut. He’d told her to take his speeder, and she was grateful for it. Out of habit, her hand caressed her saber, mentally preparing for whatever would happen when she finally found Ben. She was facing the unknown, but she wasn’t afraid. Her mind didn’t wrestle with the ‘what ifs’ or ‘maybes’ that might come. All she could do was hope. Hope that the man she’d fallen in love with wasn’t gone. That somehow he could rise above his pain and find a balance. She knew Ben Solo was so much stronger than he realized. She had to trust him… even if every instinct told her not to. What was the point of love without trust?

**To Be Continued**


	14. “There’s Someone In My Head, But It’s Not Me”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place simultaneously with last chapter. Rey and Ben's separate journeys if you will....

**“The lunatic is in my head  
The lunatic is in my head  
You raise the blade, you make the change  
You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane  
You lock the door  
Throw away the key  
There's someone in my head but it's not me” – Pink Floyd ‘Brain Damage’**

The raiders had been circling his position for nearly an hour. What he’d managed to salvage of the speeder was hidden away in the very small, dark cavern that cut into the rocky terrain, supplies mostly, while the wreckage from their attack burned several meters away. He’d cut down a few sand people closer to his position and kept running until he’d found sufficient cover, but they were sure to bring more and continue the hunt. If they found him, they’d overwhelm him quickly, especially in his weakened state. Ben Solo was a dead man. 

There was a part of him that wanted to be found, to let their numbers overpower him until he was finally given the mercy he desired most. It would suit him to die here. This was the world of his grandfather, the dead planet he’d been born to, the beginning of a legacy that would both bless and curse a galaxy. That legacy could die in this cave. If he died, there would be nothing left of Darth Vader or Anakin Skywalker. Everything would come full circle. It felt poetic.

_“This is not your destiny.”_

Ben closed his eyes, desperate to ignore the hallucination standing over him with the same face. Kylo Ren. His anger flared, but he kept still, watching from the darkness as raiders searched for blood. He made no sound, although he desperately wanted to. He wanted to scream, to call out for them, and beg them to be his executioners. His father’s face was painted to the back of his eyelids and he couldn’t stop remembering everything. Every single detail. 

All the gaps in memory of Starkiller base were coming back like hail in a storm and this cave couldn’t protect him from _that_. The worst part, the thing that made him ill, was that he did it for Snoke. He killed his own father for kriffing Snoke! His **tormentor**! He killed a father who only wanted his son back, who _loved_ him, but couldn’t understand the monster Ben had become. Han paid the price for his love. Kylo’s lightsaber pierced his chest and taught him that one last lesson. Not everyone could be saved.

The ghost in his head drew closer, growing bolder and stronger with each second that passed. _“You MUST return to Rey!”_ Kylo growled.

Ben lifted his gaze, facing himself for the first time. He took in the wildness of Kylo’s hair, and the scar burned into his skin. There was a crazed look in his eyes, as if he were panicking, afraid of what Ben might do. Kylo Ren wanted control of this body again. Ben was starting to remember the weeks of training with Snoke, and it disgusted him. His only relief came in the dreams when Rey waited for him. He would find peace in her arms, shielding him from the horrors of his own actions. Kylo Ren… the disgusting creature that had tried to destroy him; he _dared_ to make demands now. “I could end this, Kylo. All it takes is a scream. You’ll die forgotten and alone in the dark. No one will mourn the death of a monster.”

_“Rey will mourn,”_ Kylo insisted. _“She will mourn us both.”_

“She **lied** to me.” Ben tried to sound cold, but his voice was shaking with the weight of his pain. Instead, he sounded more like a child, scared and hurting. His mind ached with the emptiness of her presence, but he refused to tear down the walls he’d created to keep her out.

_“She lied FOR you!”_ Kylo responded. _“To protect us, you fool! This is madness!”_

“I’m talking to myself… of course it’s madness.”

Kylo growled angrily in the cave, but there was no echo. The hands that gripped Ben’s shirt felt real, shaking at him furiously, and he stared back at the creature stunned. He really was losing all sense of reality. _“So be it, Ben! You want to die? Let me show you how this ends!”_

_He stands in a dark room. A window off to his left reveals the stars, but there is damage in the glass and it looks ready to shatter. A bed sits off to his right. It’s empty, but he can almost see Rey lying there, waiting for him. Always waiting. Ben knows this place. Memories form to remind him of the nights he spent here unburdening himself to the only person who could hear him. He remembers her arms around him. How good and perfect her body feels against his skin. She keeps him warm. It’s the only time he does not feel numb. “Why have you brought me here, Kylo?”_

_Kylo is real in this place. Not a ghost. He is solid. He stands before Ben, and he is not helpless in this world. “Do you not remember? This is where you confess your sins. This is where she forgives you.”_

_Ben’s eyes return to Rey’s sleeping form, and he imagines himself lying beside her. He was happy here. He knows this clearly. All he can feel is anger now. His hatred for Kylo grows like a weed that can’t be destroyed or rooted out. His disgust with the darkness inside him is unending and makes his skin crawl, as if the flesh were horrified to be attached to such a monster. “I don’t want her forgiveness!”_

_“Neither do I,” Kylo tells him. Ben turns back towards Kylo. “She gives it anyway.”_

_Ben’s fury flashes, because he can’t stand it. He can’t stand Kylo Ren. Refuses to allow this monster to speak of Rey as if he ever deserved her love. In seconds he’s slamming Kylo against the wall, hands itching to wrap around his throat. “YOU KILLED HAN SOLO!”_

_Kylo’s eyes shine yellow, the dark side pouring into him as freely as blood in his veins. “AND YOU’RE KILLING REY!” he screams. Ben is stunned, frozen in place, dismayed at the very notion. “So tell me, Ben… who is the bigger monster?!”_

_He yanks Kylo forward, only to shove him back against the wall as hard as he can. “I would never hurt her, you pathetic piece of garbage! Not even after lying to me. I would NEVER hurt her.” There is something in his stomach. It feels like a stone. It sits there growing heavier and heavier. Ben isn’t sure how long he can stand it. Soon the weight will send him to the floor. He will never be able to stand again._

_Kylo’s own hands grip Ben’s face, and he’s leaning in so close. They hold each other’s gaze, and Kylo’s claws dig in till it hurts. Drops of warm liquid drips down his cheeks, and he knows it’s his blood. He doesn’t care. It’s only a dream. The monster growls and spits his reply. “You promised you wouldn’t leave! I promised! She is alone! You are hurting her at this very minute, leaving her to burn, and I will do everything in my power to stop you! I have tried to destroy you so many times, but you are truly a worthy adversary. Hear me now, though, because this time I will make sure the deed is done! I will remove every trace of your light! I will drop you in the same abyss as our father and never speak of you again! Tear you limb from limb with Rey’s name on my lips, you pathetic, weak-willed **fool**!”_

_Ben recoils, ripping himself away from the creature living inside him. It feels wrong. Despite his anger, all of this feels wrong. This darkness that has hated him for so long, for once they come face to face, and it feels unnatural. His heart is pounding. He remembers. He remembers how desperate Kylo was to destroy him. He thought he could do better. He was so sure of it. Clawing and scratching for control, desperate to end this fight against Snoke, but he is no better. Killing Han Solo made him weak. It allowed Ben to surface, resurrecting him from the ruins of his soul. They keep fighting each other. Kylo and Ben. Dark and light. So much more powerful together, but instead they tear at each other. “This… this needs to end.”_

_“It ends when one of us is dead.”_

_“And how will that solve anything? How does that stop Snoke?!” Ben argues. “I’m not strong enough, but neither are you!”_

_Kylo is still standing against the wall, and his eyes are still so monstrous. He is a demon. When he speaks Ben wants to run, to drown him out. He’s disturbed by the thought that this thing that’s inside him. **Is** him. “I don’t need your light,” the demon hisses. “Rey will be my light! We’ll destroy Snoke together, make this galaxy what it should be. Rule it side by side! We will finish what grandfather started!”_

_“No!” Ben screams back. “Rey is not the light! I am the light! I am **your** light! You’ve felt Rey’s own darkness the same as I have. You would corrupt her! I won’t let you destroy her the way you destroyed our father!”_

_“Then STOP ME!” Kylo howls. Ben isn’t prepared for Kylo’s attack. The demon runs towards him at inhuman speeds, shoving him towards the window. The pressure is too much. The glass finally shattering around them, shards cutting at their skin as they float, skin burning in the coldness of space. They cannot breathe. They cannot fight. They will die like this. Tearing at each other._

Ben opened his eyes. He was in the cave again. His breathing was heavy, and his skin was soaking with sweat. He was still alive, and the sand people had yet to find him. Kylo was standing nearby towards the mouth of the cave. His eyes strangely normal, and Ben doesn’t know what to make of this hallucination. “What did you just show me?”

Kylo held his gaze, lacking the fury from the vision. _“I showed you how it all ends.”_

*******

Ben was tired. He hadn’t eaten for hours. He was dehydrated. The raiders still hadn’t found him, but they hadn’t left either. All he could do was lie in the dust, staring at the rocky cave that hid him away from danger. It was meant to be his tomb, but instead it had become his salvation. He didn’t have the strength to die at the hands of mindless beasts. All he wanted to do was sleep.

_“If our father were alive… what would you say to him?”_

The words caught Ben off-guard. He didn’t want Kylo to mention Han Solo, wasn’t sure he could stand talking about it anymore. There was still so much anger inside him. So much pain. The projection of Kylo Ren shimmered in the dark, and although he was meant to be something evil and wicked, his eyes reflected traits that seemed impossibly bright. A flicker of light in the darkness, while Ben was left to fend off the darkness that was choking his light. “I don’t know.”

_“He asked us for forgiveness.”_

“There was nothing to forgive,” Ben disputed. 

_“There is ALWAYS something to forgive.”_

“He did the best he could. We never made it easy for him.”

_“And Snoke never made it easy for us,”_ Kylo pointed out. He moved away from the cave, head tilted to the side as he towered over Ben. _“He is the enemy. I am not.”_

Ben lifted his head, moving his arms back so he could rest on his elbows. “Then what are you, Kylo? We’ve fought each other off for so long. What else could you possibly be?”

There was so much uncertainty in Kylo’s eyes, as if he was speaking someone else’s words. _“Your ally.”_

“Against Snoke?”

_“You cannot deny me anymore than I can deny you. The bodies will continue piling up in this war, Ben. I will not surrender, and neither will you. Our father would not have wanted this.”_

“Don’t you DARE!” Ben rumbled. “Don’t you dare tell me what Han Solo would want! Not after what you’ve done! What _we’ve_ done!” He was so tired. His stomach rolled and twisted in discontent, and he was sure to start vomiting soon if he couldn’t find some fluids. There was probably something hidden among the supplies, but he didn’t have the energy to look. His head was spinning.

Kylo stooped down towards Ben. The ghost of his mind, not real, just a projection, but it felt real. Maybe it was the desert doing this to him. He was delirious and Snoke had finally breeched the barriers of his thoughts. His former master was punishing him, torturing him for his disobedience. _“Rey would not want this either.”_

“Just stop.” Ben closed his eyes, letting himself drop back down into the dirt. All he could do was breathe. The heat boiled him from the inside out. Perhaps this was how he was meant to die. The man of war dying in a cave, burning from the heat of two suns. It seemed too peaceful of a death. Then again, Kylo Ren was his company, and fighting him was more than enough to satisfy his idea of a tragic end. If he could produce the tears, Ben was certain he would be crying. “I’m so tired.”

_“As am I. Go home, Ben. Call to her.”_ He had no home, but Kylo knew that. Home wasn’t a hut in Tatooine, or a cottage on Ahch-To… it was a woman with more bravery and strength than he could ever possess.

“I can’t.”

_“Why not?”_

Ben tried to swallow, but his mouth was so dry. His lips were cracking. He couldn’t move, couldn’t think, fading so fast. “Not like this.”

Kylo touched his face, turning his head, surveying his own body. _“I need you to remember something. Close your eyes.”_

Ben shook his head. “No… no more. I’m tired of these memories.”

Ren sighed, his voice tense with impatience. _“It’s worth it to remember this, Ben. I need you to understand.”_

He wanted to resist. He didn’t have the energy. Kylo was so much stronger than him now. Ben’s eyes fluttered closed and he felt his body melt away again. Pulling him into another vision. Ripping him from his reality, from the heat of the suns, and his desperate situation.

_Ben is standing in the bedroom again. The glass that shattered before has somehow returned, with just a few cracks, and the stain of blood. The room is a mess. Broken and destroyed as if a storm had raged in this place and sent everything flying to the floor. The storm is a man. Kylo Ren kneels before his handiwork, head bowed in defeat. He is broken. He is cracking. Ben knows the feeling. This is what grief looks like._

_In the darkness Rey watches, and Ben can see the pity in her eyes. She hurts for this monster, and she’s leaving the bed, reaching for him… holding him. Rey is actually holding onto Kylo Ren. This memory is nothing more than a dream. It is not solid. Not like his memories of Han’s death. The dream is an unreality that sways in his mind, but to Kylo it means everything, is the very foundation of who he is becoming. This is the moment Kylo Ren stops fighting the war. Rey is his white flag, and he waves her at Ben with so much desperation. Evil isn’t supposed to desire peace. Kylo would argue that the dark side is not evil. Ben does not agree, not even if it’s true._

_Rey’s chin is resting on Kylo’s shoulder, but her gaze drifts to Ben, and he knows this is not part of the memory. “You will always be him, Ben… and he will always be you. In the light, there is a darkness and in the darkness, a light. It is the way with us all.”_

_Ben backs away, but he can hear something behind him. The glass… in the window. As he turns he watches the cracks reaching out, expanding, ready to shatter once more. Fear overtakes him and he runs towards it, hands hovering over the surface. He doesn’t know how to stop it from breaking again. It will shatter just like before. Everyone will die floating into the dark. This is how it ends. He doesn’t know how to repair the glass._

_“Kylo!” he shouts, but there is no answer. “Rey!” he screams, but there is no reply. The glass breaks and once again he is pulled to his death. His skin goes numb as the ice covers his body and consumes him._

Ben forced himself to sit up. He could hear footsteps. He shifted himself deeper into the cave, watching in silence as a Tusken Raider passed the mouth of his hiding place. It didn’t see him, but it could obviously tell from the tracks that his prey might be inside. Slowly it moved towards the entrance. Any minute it would see, Ben would be found, and it would all be over. Kylo stood nearby, his hand stretched out, and Ben instinctually knew what he was doing. With a mindless beast it was easy to fool the raider. Erase their presence from his mind, encourage him to return to his people with the thought that this cave was empty. They would leave. This was the last place they needed to search.

The creature wailed and whined curiously, backing away. Ben didn’t breathe again until it was completely out of sight. He was a bit surprised by his own relief, but maybe he shouldn’t be. Even when all he wants to do is give up, part of him knew he never would. He was much too stubborn for that. “I can’t stop the glass from breaking,” he finally confessed.

_“I broke the glass… this is all my doing,”_ Kylo admitted, sounding entirely too humble for a power hungry monster. _“I killed our father, and the damage cannot be undone.”_

“So then what do we do?” Ben finally asked. He’d been asking himself that question so many times. He never stopped asking it. What were they supposed to do now? Where was he supposed to go? How was he supposed to live with himself? It seemed so much easier to just die.

Kylo lowered his arm and turned back to Ben. _“We replace the glass.”_

*******

The cave was quiet. The sounds of raiders had long since faded, along with the chance of Ben’s meaningless death. He’d rested his back against the cave walls. There’d been some water in the supplies he’d saved, just enough to keep him going for a little while longer. His options were few. He would die in this cave if he didn’t contact Luke or Rey. He’d have to lower his barriers again, tear down the walls he’d quickly built up to isolate himself. He refused to do it. He still didn’t trust this, or trust himself.

Kylo sat beside him. His eyes were closed as if he were in deep meditation. Ben wasn’t sure how a physical manifestation of his dark side could meditate, but then again reason and sanity had little to do with his experience these days. He rubbed at his face, keeping the sweat from dripping into his eyes, and shoved his hair away from his brow. A memory floated to the surface of his mind by random chance. As if the Force was unlocking the box deep inside his mind one last time, revealing one last secret. “Do you remember the first time Han Solo tried to teach us to fly the Falcon? We were so nervous, sitting in his lap, and we reached out with the Force like Uncle Luke taught us… fried every damned circuit on that console. Sparks were flying everywhere.”

Ren opened his eyes. _“I’m not the one who was suffering memory loss. Of course, I remember.”_

Ben rolled his eyes. “Of course,” he grumbled, and shook his head. He dropped his head back gently against the rock, staring into the darkness of the cave. “Father rushed us out of the cockpit so fast, and we were crying because we thought he would yell at us. He had such a short temper when it came to his ship, but instead he just spent half an hour checking us for burns. He wouldn’t stop asking if we were alright. I don’t really remember him looking so worried.”

Kylo nodded beside him, and Ben was surprised to see his lips curl for a moment. _“He pulled us into his arms and held us so tight. We couldn’t even breathe, but we didn’t care. We felt so… **safe**.”_ In a moment, Ben realized why Rey had accepted Kylo Ren. This darkness inside him killed Han Solo, and now he was just as broken as Ben was. Kylo actually missed his father, was hurting the same as Ben. It didn’t seem possible, but the truth was in his eyes. In the way he remembered Han. _“He didn’t seem willing to let go, and we didn’t want him to.”_

“We slept in father’s bed the rest of the trip. I don’t remember Snoke’s voice ever coming to us… not once… not until we finally made it home and father left for another racing tour.” Snoke only ever came to him when he felt lonely. The Supreme Leader fed on Ben’s isolation. “We cried that first night when he left. The bed felt cold and the room was too empty.” The memory made Ben sad just like all the others, but his father hadn’t been perfect. He was just a man who made mistakes. The truth was, Han Solo loved his son, right to the end.

_“I don’t ask for your forgiveness, Ben. I took our father’s life, and that is a hurt we both must endure. All I ask is that you accept me. Let me show you who you truly are… and who you can one day become. Allow me to show you the dark side, and I will allow you to show me your light.”_

When Ben turned to look at Kylo Ren, he was amazed to see _himself_ staring back. Not a creature or a monster, but a mirror image. Same eyes. Same scar. Same everything. He wondered if this was what Rey saw. She’d come face to face with Ben’s darkness, and the darkness blinked. Part of him was scared. Who would he become if he was whole again? Would Rey still love him if he changed? It felt like giving up control, and that was the last thing he wanted. He was terrified of what Kylo was capable of. He wanted to find the balance, but wanting and achieving were two very different things.

On the other hand, this war would cost them their lives. The glass would keep shattering, and eventually they would both end up losing everything. He shuddered to think of how this war inside himself would impact Rey. He had the chance to face his fears, to face Snoke. Maybe he would lose, but at least there was hope. He needed to believe he could be the man Han Solo would have wanted him to be. Death was for giving up, for the cowardly, and Ben wasn’t raised to be either of those things. He was a Solo. He was a Skywalker. He was meant for greater things.

“You’re right. I can’t forgive you, Kylo. I can’t even forgive myself. I’m so tired of fighting you. I’m tired of ripping and tearing at myself. I feel like there’s more scars and open wounds inside than out.” He closed his eyes for a moment, his words whispered in a breath. “All I want is balance… just a little bit of peace. I’m just so tired.”

Kylo was turning towards him when he reopened his eyes, and his hand hovered over Ben’s chest, so eager to merge before Ben changed his mind. _“Maybe we will finally find the balance together, you and I. Something new that will make us a force not even Snoke could have anticipated. Fire and ice. Light and darkness. Something gray. A blackened star. We will do this together. I grow tired of this, Ben. You and I can be so much more than this. Snoke awaits us, and we will destroy him because it’s our destiny. Come along, Solo… let’s end this war.”_

It felt like possession for a moment as Kylo Ren entered him. A cold and dark presence sinking into his soul. Ben sucked in air, felt his body jerk at the intrusion, and his eyes closed as two minds interlaced. The stitching of their minds was messy and clumsy, but merging with Kylo was strangely comforting. He embraced him despite the fears stirring in his gut, melted into him, and the horrible scars where he’d been bleeding seemed to finally repair themselves. 

The Force surged around them in shades of gray, and the heaviness in his stomach crumbled. It felt right. It felt normal. Like finishing a puzzle, but the image wasn’t as terrible as he’d expected. It was beautiful. Like staring at the stars on a clear night. The moon was full and bright, and the darkness only made that beauty easier to see. This was what being whole felt like. This was what it felt like to be put back together again. The pain was finally fading as his mind mixed along with the darkness of his other self.

This _new_ Ben Solo opened his eyes and took a slow breath, staring at the world around him with different eyes. He pushed away from the cave walls with a slight sway, weakened by the heat and exhaustion. He was stranded here in this cave, but he could still return home. Something urged him to make the call, and he willingly obeyed. No more resisting. No more fighting. He was of one mind, and one soul. He closed his eyes and brick by brick removed his walls. He took great care to open up the bond he’d tried so hard to destroy, reaching for the conscious mind waiting on the other side. _“Rey… I’m here. Come to me, please. Forgive me….”_

He reached out, stretching as far as he could, waiting in the silence as his barriers dissolved into dust. He dropped to his knees as the world began to spin, and he felt darkness along the edges of his sight. Ben felt her answer like a prayer; she reached out, grasping onto him without hesitation. _“Always,”_ she assured him as the world spun and darkened to black.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, Ben is sort of back together again, but let's see how that works out again. Don't forget, comments are golden! :D


	15. “He’s Just Not The Same”

**“As he begins to raise his voice  
You lower yours and grant him one last choice  
Drive until you lose the road  
Or break with the ones you've followed  
He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you'll begin to wonder why you came” – The Fray ‘How To Save A Life’**

He looked like a helpless little boy when she finally came across the cave he’d taken refuge in. The massive body of Ben Solo was curled in on itself, face slightly damp and covered with sand and dirt. For one horrifying moment she was terrified she’d come too late, but her fears were laid to rest when he groaned. Rey was quick to his side, surveying his condition. The harsh conditions of Jakku gave her more than enough experience to look after Ben. She gently rolled him onto his back and touched his face. His skin was hot to the touch and clammy. She could tell he’d recently stopped sweating.

Rey cursed under her breath, standing up and moving behind him. She immediately looped her arms under his armpits, pulling him deeper into the small cave, further into the shadows. The degrees in temperature weren’t ideal, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to bring him back to the hut in this condition. She’d have to prepare herself to stay through the rest of the day, and perhaps the night. His clothes were removed with care. His shirt was covered in sand, completely soaked with his sweat. She practically had to peel it off, as it was clinging to his skin, and Ben barely seemed to notice.

Hopping over his large body, that took most of the ground in the tight space, Rey stripped off his boots and pants next. The only thing she left him with was his underwear. She’d have to cool him down. Rey rushed back to Luke’s speeder and fished out what she would need. She yanked the large pack and swung it on her back as she re-entered the small cave, ducking down low and placing her supplies beside Ben’s limp body. The first thing she fished out was a water bottle. It wasn’t too cold, and she carefully began to pour it over him, soaking his chest and legs. He shivered, eyes fluttering, but he was still barely conscious. “Rey?” he croaked.

“I’m here,” she whispered over to him, trying to stay calm. She’d seen this so many times before. Heat stroke, and if she hadn’t found him when she did, he’d probably be gone by now. The thought of him dying alone in a cave made her stomach twist into knots. This was all her fault. If she’d told him the truth sooner… maybe none of this would have happened. She was such a selfish idiot to think lying to him would end well. She’d let fear govern her actions, and now she was once again forced to save him from the brink of death. His body could only take so much abuse in such a short span of time. “I need you to wake up, look at me, Ben.”

Faint laughter rumbled deep in his chest, his eyes still closed, but his mouth opened to speak. “Saving me again. You keep doing that.”

Through their bond she felt something strange tugging at the back of her mind, little bits of his consciousness. He was confused. Lost in memories that were settling into his head. His mind felt different, but she couldn’t quite figure out the change. He was too far gone for her to sense anything useful. So Rey focused on saving his life. He was dehydrated, but trying to get him to drink would be nearly impossible if he didn’t wake up. Rey reached for another bottle of water and mixed in a packet especially designed for a person low on electrolytes. The water turned slightly blue with the addition, and she shook the bottle to make sure nothing settled on the bottom. She could tell he was nauseous. She’d give him something for his stomach as soon as he had a few sips of his drink.

Rey shifted so that Ben’s head was in her lap, and she raised it high enough to guide the water to his mouth. He struggled as the water flowed down his throat, coughing, but he didn’t resist her. He swallowed as much as he could before turning his head away, and Rey set down the water bottle with a sigh. Her hands affectionately brushed through his hair as she watched his eyes flutter open and closed, taking in her face before exhaustion claimed him once more. “Rey,” he whispered weakly.

“I’m here, Ben. I’m not going anywhere.”

*******

He slept through most of the day, leaving Rey alone with her thoughts for far too long. Anxiety continued to build inside her until her muscles were tense, and her stomach was cramping from the stress. She just wanted him to look at her. She wanted him to tell her it was going to be okay, that _they_ were going to be okay. Rey fretted over how he would react when he awoke to find her. Mumbling things she might say to him in between cleaning his dirty clothes with a small amount of water, and taking them outside the cave to dry in the sun.

As minutes turned into hours, different scenarios drifted through her mind. In some Ben refused to forgive her. His voice was cold and cruel as he told her how angry he was, and how betrayed he felt. He’d tell her he was returning to Snoke, and growl heatedly as he tried to fight her in his weakened state. However, then she’d imagine Ben pulling her down for a gentle kiss in other scenarios, confirming his love for her, and dismissing her apologies. Waiting to see what had become of Ben was inflicting so much damage on her patience, and she finally decided to make herself useful and find a good hiding spot for the speeder in case of raiders.

The rocky terrain gave her quite a few options for cover, and Rey made use of loose rocks to further keep the speeder hidden. A boulder was rolled down in the front once she was finished, using the Force. Eventually, she stepped back and admired her hiding spot. It would do well enough. They’d hopefully be gone by morning. When she finally returned, Ben was wide awake, to her surprise. He was struggling to prop himself against the wall of the cave, and Rey rushed to help, but he held out his hand to her. “It’s okay, I’m fine,” he assured her with a grunt. She watched, still as a statue, while Ben forced himself to sit up with some difficulty. He didn’t want her help, stubborn man. He was out of breath by the time his back dropped against the rocky walls of their darkened cave. He still looked so exhausted, but at least he was actually coherent this time.

Rey crouched awkwardly across from Ben, not quite sure what to say or do. His eyes caught hers, but he gave nothing away. She settled with keeping her distance, sitting on the other side of the small space. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” he answered with a nod, a silent ‘thank you’ for all she’d done upon finding him.

She smiled, but it was strained, and filled with conflict. The tension between them was agonizing, thick enough to make breathing difficult in the small space. He seemed so distant now. Even with the bond, she could scarcely know how he was feeling, or whether he was still upset with her. He’d broken down the barriers between their linked minds, but it felt damaged, weakened as if they were lightyears apart. When he’d called to her, he’d asked for her forgiveness, though she wasn’t sure what for. Looking at him now, it felt like starting over. One amazing step forward, and three steps back. “Your clothes should be dry by nightfall. You were suffering from heat stroke. I had to lower your temperature.”

Ben glanced down at himself, as if only just realizing he was half naked. She flushed as her eyes drifted down to follow his gaze. It didn’t seem fair that he could still make her blush, especially when she’d actually felt all those hard muscles against her naked body. His eyes lifted back to hers, roving over her form as if he was trying to decide something. “It’s nothing you haven’t seen before, Rey,” he reminded her. For a moment she wondered if he’d read her thoughts, but she hadn’t felt him tug on the fragile bond still holding between them.

Her face grew hot and she tucked her legs in against her chest, wrapping her arms around herself. Her thighs squeezed together to give her some relief as her libido fluttered down below. Her body didn’t seem to care if there was unease between them. Ben Solo could be a bit addictive, it seemed. Rey tried to clear her mind of such thoughts. The suns were setting, and the temperature would drop soon. “Let me know if you get cold,” she told him, frustrated with how her voice strained. She cleared her throat and looked away from him towards the mouth of the cave.

His gaze burned her skin. Those eyes were lethal, and she didn’t know what to say to him now that he was awake. He didn’t seem very eager to speak either. Everything hung in the air between them, all the things that they should be saying but weren’t. He was different. That much was clear. The openness that she remembered of Ben Solo was gone, and the intensity of Kylo Ren was tempered by careful control. Rey wondered what this meant, and it bothered her that she couldn’t just open her mouth and ask what had happened.

Suddenly she felt like she was right back in that interrogation room after Kylo Ren had removed his mask, and she’d come face to face with a mystery. There’d been a stillness between them as everything she’d assumed about Kylo was obliterated. She’d felt so off balance, so unsure of herself and of him. Then he’d moved so close to her, and he’d touched her mind with ease. She’d felt helpless and exposed when he’d started voicing her thoughts. This time Rey was desperate for Ben to reach into her mind. She craved his presence, filling the empty spaces so she’d never feel alone. She missed the comforting hum of his emotions caressing her own till she wasn’t sure who was feeling what or why. She missed their intimacy.

She heard him move, and when she turned her head back to look at Ben, he was sipping on the bottle of water she’d opened hours before. It was almost finished now. Rey watched a few drops escape from his lips and drip down to his chest. She took a deep breath and looked away again. He swallowed loudly and dropped the bottle back down beside him. “The man I almost killed. Will he recover?”

Rey was grateful for the question, anything to get some sort of conversation going. The silence was starting to make her ears bleed. “Luke believes so. Did you know him?”

“Not well,” Ben answered. “Snoke had little use for him. His talents lean more towards my father’s background when it comes to gathering information from less than trustworthy characters. His abilities with the Force made him a useful ally, but not necessarily a powerful one.”

She nodded, hugging her legs even tighter to her chest. She rested her chin on her knees, watching him for a moment. Silence settled between them once more. They just stared at each other. The distance between them was only a few feet, but it felt like a canyon had opened up between them and they could barely see to the other side. It was she who finally looked away, tucking her chin to her chest and resting her forehead on her knees for a moment. She took deep breathes, though it was difficult in her current position and closed her eyes. Her head was starting to spin and it wasn’t because of the bond. It was Ben. He was doing this to her. He was making her feel like this.

“I’m guessing you left him with Uncle Luke?” he finally asked, causing her to lift her head.

She nodded. Rey didn’t trust herself to speak.

“It’ll be getting dark soon.”

“I brought supplies to last us through the night. We can return to the hut in the morning once you’ve fully recovered.” Her voice sounded calmer than she felt.

When he didn’t say anything else she let her head fall backwards against the cave walls. This was torture. For a moment she wondered what she was doing. She didn’t regret saving him, but she also felt like a fool sitting before him, just waiting for _something_ to be said. This wasn’t how their reunion was supposed to go. He didn’t seem angry with her, but he wasn’t declaring his undying love either. She’d never counted on this scenario.

Ben cleared his throat, and the sound seemed to echo through the small space. She looked up at him and he was frowning. “Rey-”

“You’re different,” she interrupted, finally saying what she’d wanted to say since he’d woken up. It felt like the only way to breach the subject of his shift in personality. When she’d thought about what Ben might be like if he was ever made whole again, this wasn’t at all what she pictured… if that was indeed what happened.

Ben’s hand ran through his hair, and a few sand particles dropped down his shoulders and chest. He immediately brushed them away, the corner of his mouth twitching in annoyance. “Kylo Ren and I have settled on a truce. The last of my memories cemented into place after we… hell, I don’t even know what to call it, Rey. It’s hard to describe. Darkness and light… it’s no longer separate. I feel anger and passion, control and serenity. Peace settling between us. I feel Kylo in my mind, but he’s thinking my thoughts and I’m thinking his. It may take days for my mind to adjust to this.”

Rey licked chapped lips, chewing at the inside of her mouth. She was glad something good might have come from this, and certainly relieved to see him finding a balance, finally repairing himself after Han Solo’s death. If things were different, maybe they’d be celebrating this moment with a passionate kiss. “I should have told you the truth, Ben. I’m sorry. I didn’t trust you, and I should have.”

Ben shook his head, his eyes lowering away from hers. “Rey, you had a good reason not to trust me. I… wish things could be different, but trust is something you earn. I haven’t done that yet.”

“But you have,” Rey insisted. “I’ve seen everything, Ben. I’ve seen your light and your darkness. I’ve listened as you shared pieces of yourself every night. I _should_ have trusted you. I should have believed in you! Look at you! You put yourself back together again… in a cave… in the middle of nowhere! That memory is part of you now, but you’ve managed not to let it destroy you! You… you could have killed that man before, but you _didn’t_. I should have trusted you. I won’t make that mistake again.”

Ben snickered, though he sounded less than amused. “I came here to die, Rey… not fix myself. I _wanted_ to give up. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t even trust myself; how the hell were you supposed to trust me? Ben Solo was supposed to be the light, but the last time we saw each other there wasn’t even a flicker shining through. I’d given myself over to the dark side and I would have killed him.”

“You didn’t kill him, Ben. You stopped yourself.”

“I stopped because of you.” Ben’s voice was sharp, agitated. “Everything’s always been for you… right from the start.”

“I know….” She brushed away a tear that slipped down her face, trying to keep calm, angered by how irrational she’d been. Kylo had tried to warn her that she was making a mistake. She should have listened. She’d lied and he’d almost completely lost himself to the dark side because of it. She would never forget the colors of his eyes. It was the only time he’d ever truly looked monstrous, and it was her fault. Maybe she had stopped him, but she was only trying to prevent the disaster _she’d_ caused. More tears began to flow, and Ben’s eyes softened. He was staring at her with those chocolate brown eyes, head tilted slightly to the side. 

“Rey… come here.” She didn’t dare move, trying to wipe away the evidence of her guilt. The tension was finally getting to her. His voice was gentle when he spoke again. “Sweetheart… please… come here.”

Rey’s breathing grew ragged as she finally pushed away from the cave wall and walked over to Ben. She knelt down beside his legs and watched as he opened his arms wide. She didn’t even hesitate, and relief flooded through her body like a river putting out a forest fire. The moment she crawled into Ben’s arms everything loosened inside her. All the strain. All the stress twisting at her gut. He held her tight and kissed the top of her head. She was tucked into his chest, and her body rejoiced at the contact. “I… I thought maybe I’d lost you.”

“No, no, no… that could never happen,” he assured her with such sweetness in his voice, soothing her, caressing her back with affection. “I don’t think I’m strong enough to ever let you go, Rey. I’m too selfish for that. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I never should have left.”

“I lied to you.”

“If I can’t forgive that, Rey. I don’t deserve you. I’ve done so much worse.”

Rey turned her head, smearing her tears onto his chest as she kissed his skin. She felt his muscles ripple at the feel of her lips. The light of the twin suns no longer seemed to reach inside the cave. Their eyes had adjusted, but soon the cave would be engulfed in complete darkness. She’d brought something to make a fire for the cold desert nights… just in case. “Ben-”

“Look, I know I left you behind. I made a promise, but I didn’t keep it. Maybe it was stupid for me to make it in the first place. I get lost sometimes, and even I know there’s always going to be something trying to drive us apart,” he spoke. She got the sense that his leaving weighed heavily on his mind. Perhaps she wasn’t the only one who’d agonized over how to make things right. “There is one promise I think I can keep. No matter what happens, Rey… no matter what we have to face, or what tries to tear us apart… even if I have to leave… I’ll always come back to you.” The last few words were said with a whisper, and they drifted into her mind like a memory. Rey’s eyebrows wrinkled. It felt so familiar. Like something that was awaiting her, and she couldn’t shake the feeling that this was important. “My loyalties are to you, not Snoke. Only you.”

His words took her breath away, and she struggled to think of a response. What could she possibly say after something so heartfelt? Ben was always so much better at this than she was. She’d spent so much time on her own, and it was difficult to express herself when emotion overwhelmed her. “I… I know there was a time when I didn’t trust you, Ben. I couldn’t. I was terrified that once your memories returned, everything would go back to how it was. That you’d confirm your place by his side again, and after everything we’ve been through, I just couldn’t go back to… to being your enemy. Fighting against you would be like stabbing at my heart.” She took another breath, shaking her head at the fear that had been swirling in the back of her mind since the moment Ben lost his memories. “Someone very wise once told me my future, she said that I would find a place where I belonged, someone I belonged with. I thought that maybe she meant Luke, training and learning the Force by his side, but I was wrong. I belong to you, Ben. This bond between us is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We’re soulmates, you and I.”

Ben’s eyes shined at her words, and he pulled her down, slamming her lips against his. Her mind lit up like fireworks at the contact, and she moaned against his mouth, opening up to him. His lips were rough from lack of moisture, and even his mouth seemed to taste like the sands of Tatooine. It didn’t matter. To Rey it was perfect. It felt like coming home.

*******

The fire chased away the desert chill, but it was Ben Solo that kept her warm through the night. His body wrapped around hers like a blanket and she’d never slept so soundly. She couldn’t remember dreaming, and maybe her dreams would be different now that Ben and Kylo were one and the same. Their bond was still recovering from the damage. It didn’t really matter if she dreamed about Ben or Kylo. What made her smile was falling asleep in his arms and knowing that they would be okay. She was safe, and so was he.

Beams of light shined through the cave signaling that it was morning, and her eyes opened to Ben nipping at her stomach as he slipped his fingers under the edges of her pants. Rey had tried to protest, concerned about vigorous activity so soon after everything he’d been through, but he dismissed her concerns with a devilish grin. “Rey, I was dehydrated, I could use the fluids.”

Her eyes had gone wide at that, watching him tug her pants down slim hips, his concentration focused on what awaited him between her thighs. She could only stare, slack jawed, as he pulled her legs apart and bent down for a taste. His tongue slipped between her folds, and her eyes shut tight with a moan that echoed through the small cave. “Ben,” she’d shrieked, already panting.

He growled against her sex, briefly sucking at her clit. “No sweetheart… call me Kylo.” His words had her heart fluttering as she realized with greater clarity what had changed. The passion he’d mentioned before was lapping vigorously inside her folds. By the time his tongue slipped inside her, she was already well on her way to her first orgasm. He made her come with a cry that was muffled with her fist, worried about attracting attention from the dangers that lurked outside their temporary shelter. He didn’t stop.

Rey shuddered as Kylo continued his attack on her clit, his fingers soaked with his spit and her wetness as he moved them inside her and aimed for that special place that made her see stars. Their bond seemed to revive and hum with delight, and Rey sensed his desire to take care of her, to heal the hurt he’d caused when he shut her out. The bond thrived on physical intimacy and use. This was his apology, and a promise, her needs before his own. All he wanted was to please her. 

His mouth was so warm, and every time he hummed, her hips jerked. He wanted to bring her pleasure one last time before they were forced to return to the hut, and he wasn’t taking his time. His fingers were moving faster, and Rey felt her abdominal muscles clench and flutter. Her muscles squeezed his fingers, and she whimpered through her second orgasm, her body falling limp as she turned to liquid under his mouth. “Kylo…” she whispered, breathlessly. She could almost feel the curl of his lips against her sensitive flesh.

*******

Ben finished the last of their water at her insistence, and took a few bites from the rations she’d brought, grimacing at the taste. He got dressed while she recovered the speeder from her hiding spot. It hadn’t been discovered, and there didn’t seem to be a single lifeform around for miles. Ben sat beside her in the speeder, forcing her to drive one handed because he wouldn’t let go of the other one. She didn’t really want him to.

They rode back in silence, taking in the view of rocky canyons and geological formations that took on various shapes and sizes. It could almost be considered beautiful if not for the lack of color. Rey had grown quite fond of green grass and blue oceans. She knew she could never endure this world for any long length of time. She’d been spoiled by places like Ahch-To and Takodana. The silence between them was comfortable, and through their bond he showed her other worlds even more beautiful than the ones she’d seen, worlds he hoped to show her one day, and some of which she could never know thanks to Starkiller base and it’s weapon.

By the time they reached the hut, Rey could see Luke rushing off to greet them, and she felt a slight twinge of guilt. She hadn’t really thought to contact him and let her master know she was okay, or that she’d found Ben. Rey forced herself to let go of Ben’s hand and left the speeder with the intention of apologizing. “I’m so sorry, Master Luke! I meant to contact you.”

“Your comlink was off!” Luke barked, surprising Rey. She wasn’t used to him losing control so completely. There was a wildness in his eyes, and she knew something was wrong. Something more than just concern for her and his nephew.

Ben climbed out of the speeder, walking around her, also sensing his uncle’s distress. “Uncle Luke, what’s happened?”

Luke finally seemed to lift his gaze to Ben, as if only just realizing his nephew had returned. Rey knew that to be a bad sign. The Master Jedi was far too observant. “Ben we… we should discuss this inside.”

He didn’t wait for them. Just as quickly as he’d dashed out of the hut, Luke was back inside it, leaving her and Ben to share a worried glance before they followed. What if the agent of Snoke’s had woken up? What if he’d somehow tried to contact the First Order or break free from his captors? It seemed impossible considering he shouldn’t be able to walk, but his abilities with the Force could certainly include the power to heal. If he was good enough at that, maybe he’d managed an escape.

Luke was leaning against the back of the couch by the time they entered the hut. He was rubbing at his face as if he were fighting exhaustion, and he looked up with a heavy-hearted gaze. His eyes were on Ben. “I finally got news from my contacts with the Resistance.”

Rey hadn’t realized she’d been holding her breath until he spoke those words. “They’ve found a new base then?”

His eyes shifted to her briefly, but they were back on Ben in seconds. The Jedi looked like he was anticipating a bad reaction, but Rey couldn’t understand why. Did Luke fear Ben would refuse to return with them to the Resistance? She supposed it was possible Ben would hesitate, especially considering everything he’d done, but surely they would accept Solo’s help if Luke were to vouch for him. Rey glanced over at Ben, and her eyebrows wrinkled as Ben held Luke’s gaze. “Just say it,” urged Ben, preparing himself for the worst.

Luke licked his lips and glanced between them both this time. The quiet was maddening, and she watched her master lower his gaze. “General Leia Organa’s flagship was attacked and destroyed by the First Order, the _Finalizer_ caught up with them. Most made it to escape pods and are rendezvousing with smaller Resistance bases, but… no one has been able to confirm whether Leia made it off the ship in time. They think she might be dead.” Rey’s hand covered her mouth with a gasp, and Luke lifted his eyes to his nephew. “Ben, I have felt nothing, no indication that she’s gone. She _must_ be alive. I’m certain I would feel something otherwise… but that… that leaves only one other option.”

“Snoke has her,” whispered Ben.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went back and forth over whether or not it was a good idea to have cave sex after dehydration, but fuck it... they are in a cave. Some sort of sexytimes needed to happen. Sorry about the cliffhanger. If you thought this fic was over, yeah... no... I'm taking this baby all the way to Snoke's doorstep.


	16. “Find My Sun In The Dark Side”

**“I'm a fight with myself,  
Till I'm bleeding.  
Just a taste of your skin,  
Starts the healing.  
Anyone from my past,  
Get your ammo.  
Find my sun in the dark side,  
Of my shadow.” – AWOLNATION ‘Not Your Fault’**

_Snoke has her._ Snoke has his mother. That is the only thought cutting through his skull. He can almost see the cruel smile of his former master mocking him. _‘Wanna be a hero, boy? So be it.’_ White, hot rage boiled his blood and burned him from the inside out at the taunt. The world faded out of view as something dark rose from the shadows and flooded his system. His newly acquired lightsaber was still latched to his belt, but in the blink of an eye, cold metal filled his hand. One minute he was standing as still as a statue, and the next he was ripping through Uncle Luke’s kitchen island as if it was tissue paper. He didn’t even remember igniting the plasma blade.

It would be foolish to believe he’d found balance so soon after joining with Kylo Ren. It wasn’t an instant process. There was no easy path to the peace he was searching for. The dark side was as present as his light. The fight was over, but it would take time to control his access to dark and light force energies. The news Luke had shared was just enough to tilt his balance with a suddenness that surprised even him. The kitchen’s island was demolished with the same ferocity he’d shown on the _Finalizer_ , with Stormtroopers scurrying away for fear that they’d be next.

With each strike of his weapon against cement and sandstone, dark energy flowed through him. A surge of hatred settling in his gut. It was Snoke he was hacking to pieces with the ferocity of a rancor, until finally he heard a loud crash of glass that snapped him back to the reality he’d been pulled away from. The glass reminded him of the broken window in his dreams, and for a terrifying moment he wondered if he’d splintered all over again. No, he was whole, but he was not serene. The world returned like a splash of freezing water in his face, and his eyes widened when he took in the damage. _His_ damage.

The room was silent except for the buzzing of his lightsaber, which he quickly switched off and dropped to the floor as if it had burned him. His body was trembling, jaw hanging open with shock, and when he lifted his gaze he felt the heat of embarrassment overwhelm him. He’d never been embarrassed by this before. Kylo Ren was meant to be feared. He was a storm created by Snoke, with no other purpose than to wreak havoc. Only, he wasn’t that man anymore. Ben didn’t want to be feared by the people closest to him, and yet Chewbacca had rushed from the bedroom with his bowcaster aimed at his skull. When he looked at his Uncle Luke, there was a sadness in the older man’s gaze, and Rey was too busy taking in the results of his outburst.

Doubt overwhelmed him. It sunk into him and poisoned every cell of his body. Had it been a mistake to merge with Kylo? Was this what he had to look forward to? A constant struggle for control that always slipped through his fingers when he was reminded of Snoke’s continued obsession with him? His lungs strained at the thought, and he was starting to feel dizzy. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be able to control himself. Suddenly, there were too many people around him. He couldn’t breathe. He backed away slowly, and his voice didn’t sound natural to his ears when he spoke. “I… I’m sorry about your kitchen,” he croaked.

He was gone in an instant, rushing out of the hut in desperate need to escape the eyes judging his weaknesses. His hands wouldn’t stop shaking when he ran them through his hair. He wasn’t trying to leave. Ben didn’t feel the need to rush off in a speeder to escape, but the heated air was already filling his lungs much easier, and he found himself doubled over with his hands on his knees. Snoke had his mother. This is what it’d come down to. The only parent he had left would face death because of his mistakes. He was a curse on his family, a black hole in which nothing could escape him, not even the light.

Ben straightened when he felt a presence behind him. Rey. “I wish you hadn’t seen that,” he admitted, refusing to turn around. He stared out towards the Dune sea, at the lifelessness surrounding them. Somehow it steadied his nerves, but his hands still wouldn’t stop shaking and the anger still burned like coal.

“I’ve seen worse,” Rey responded.

She had, hadn’t she? He remembered everything now. Kylo Ren’s rage slamming against the glass, demolishing everything in sight and screaming at the top of his lungs simply because it relieved the pressure. Rey hadn’t been frightened by it. She’d watched with pity in her eyes. Kylo hadn’t minded the pity, but Ben was disgusted by it. He wanted her love. He wanted her support. He wanted her pride… but never her pity. His nostrils flared and he suppressed the urge to scream into the desert. “You shouldn’t have to see worse. You shouldn’t have to endure my weakness, Rey!”

“You didn’t hurt me… or anyone else.”

That was supposed to comfort him? The fact that he was uncontrolled, but not abusive? His laughter lacked any warmth or amusement. “What a relief!” he bit out sarcastically. “Perhaps I am not the monster people believe me to be!”

“Ben, you can’t keep doing this. You’ve been through so much. You can’t expect balance so soon after joining with Kylo Ren. None of us could have anticipated this, but we will find a way to save your mother,” Rey assured him, walking around to take in his face. She kept her distance, sensing through their bond that he wasn’t ready to be touched.

He still leaned in close, his voice sounded cold to his own ears. “I know _exactly_ how to save my mother. My life for hers. Snoke has made that very clear.”

Rey shook her head, arms folded, and eyes narrowing. “No! You can’t just give Snoke what he wants! You can’t give in!”

Ben was furious, still seething with the anger that was meant for his enemy, not his lover. “I have no choice!” he bellowed. “You don’t know him like I do! You haven’t had him in your head! You haven’t felt him calling to you! My entire _life_ I have tried not to give in! Eventually, I realized it was useless. I cannot grapple with my fate, Rey… no more than I could keep myself from **you**! Snoke will kill her, and I WILL NOT HAVE HER BLOOD ON MY HANDS!”

“This time it wouldn’t BE on your hands, Ben! This time it’s truly Snoke! You think he’d just let her go once he has you back?! She’s just another test, Ben! Like Han Solo was! He’ll wind you up and set you off to cut down everything you hold dear!”

Ben wanted to cover his ears. He didn’t want to listen anymore, but she was in his head and his heart, and she wasn’t afraid to use that to her advantage. _‘You know it’s true.’_ The words repeat in her voice, but they’re Han’s words. The warning he chose to ignore once. When he looked into Rey’s eyes, it felt like his father was staring back. He was being talked back from the edge, the light pulling and tugging at him until the anger receded. He blinked back tears and stepped forward to press his forehead against hers. “I could never hurt you, Rey.”

“Then stop trying to leave.”

He cupped her face as gentle as he could manage, watching as his hands finally began to still. His thumbs caressed her skin and he tilted his head down for an agonizingly gentle kiss. “None of this is what I want. I just don’t know what else to do. You know I love you.”

Rey’s arms unfolded and her hands moved to rest on his shoulders, fingers curling into hard muscle with surprising strength. “I love you too… but more importantly, I _trust_ you, Ben. Now please… I just need you to trust _yourself_.”

He closed his eyes as their breath mingled, heating an already unbearable climate. His shirt clung to him from the sweat, and he was certain he needed a trip to the sonics. He was exhausted, run ragged, and he knew he probably wasn’t thinking straight. Dehydration and mental strain could make anyone feel slightly manic and crazed. “I need answers. I need to end this, but I’m still not strong enough. There’s something I’m missing. I can feel it. I can almost see it, but it lingers at the edges of my perception. I need clarity.”

“Maybe Luke can help you the way he helped me. You don’t have to struggle through this alone anymore.”

He shook his head gently. “No… no Rey, this is beyond even him.” Kylo’s mind whirled with an idea, with a word from his memories, spoken softly like a secret. The darkness and the light churned together as he fell away from reality once more. His ally… eager to help.

_His head is pounding when Snoke presses into him. This overwhelming chill spreading through each cell till his body feels not quite his own. It hurts. He is paralyzed and disoriented as he looks upon his new master, gasping for breath, and confirming loyalty to his own nightmare. “Kylo Ren,” the creature intones with a cruel smile. “Master of the Knights of Ren.”_

_Kylo’s voice shakes as he reaches out to embrace his master, accepting the pain that suffocates him. “Master Snoke… of Tython.” The presence is gone in an instant. He isn’t meant to see that. His new master is displeased._

Ben was thrown from the memory with a sharp intake in breath. He backed away from Rey with wide eyes. He’d… he’d forgotten about that, but Kylo Ren remembered. The thought made his lips curl, because perhaps his master wasn’t so invincible after all. Just as Rey had dug deep into his mind during her interrogation, Kylo Ren had snuck into Snoke’s. He’d turned the tables. Even as he’d given in, there had been a spark of resistance. He hadn’t come away empty-handed. “What is it, Ben?” Rey asked.

He blinked and looked down at her. “Perhaps there is a way I can find clarity… but I fear Uncle Luke will not approve.”

Rey was smiling now, and he realized it mirrored his own. “We’ll convince him.”

“It will be dangerous.”

“I like a bit of danger,” she admitted.

“It’s crazy,” he breathed, moving back towards her. His hands settled on her hips.

“It usually is.”

He leaned down to kiss her once more. This time it was passionate and teasing when their lips moved together. His heart lifted, and a plan was forming in his mind. When he ended their kiss he could feel her excitement, and the phantom sensations of arousal. She was ignoring it, but the fact that she desired him this much made Ben’s heart quiver. He tucked a stray curl behind her ear and kissed her brow. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Frankly Ben, I don’t give a flying bantha what you deserve….”

*******

“Absolutely not! Ben, it’s suicide. You’re talking about flying into the deep core, a maze of anomalies! It’s not worth the risk,” Luke protested. His uncle was sitting on the thick coffee table made of sandstone that sat opposite his couch, immediately across from Ben. His arms were folded, eyes wide with a mixture of disbelief and concern. Ben tried to ignore Chewbacca in the background, busy cleaning up the broken pieces of his uncle’s island. The Wookie had set to work long before Ben re-entered the hut to share his idea and properly apologize for the damage he’d caused. His skin flushed with embarrassment, but no one had seemed inclined to comment on his mental state. They knew he was still unstable. It was Ben that had fooled himself into believing he could find control so easily after merging with Kylo Ren.

Rey sat beside Ben on the couch, just off to his left. “Master Luke, surely with help from the force I can find a way to pilot through it. Ben thinks it might be our only chance to discover Snoke’s weakness.”

Luke’s eyes snapped to hers, lips pressed in a deep frown. “Tython has been lost for generations… there’s a reason for that, Rey.”

“I’ve been reading the ancient texts of the Je’daii, Uncle Luke. There’s a temple there. An actual Je’daii temple,” Ben told him. “Think holocrons. We would be seeking answers that may not exist anywhere else. Tython is Snoke’s planet of origin, long forgotten by everyone that matters, and maybe there’s good reason for that. It’s preserved. Untouched. You must trust my feelings on the matter. This is important.”

Luke was quiet for a moment, refusing to look either of them in the eye. With his memories fully integrated into his mind, he could read his uncle so much easier. He saw the concern and worry. Noticed the way his mechanical hand clenched and unclenched while he tried to search for a response. Ben Solo wasn’t a child, and he was not Luke Skywalker’s apprentice. Their years together had come to a horrifying end when he’d fallen to the dark side and accepted Snoke as his new master. Their bond as family had been unequivocally damaged, but his uncle was the forgiving sort. He wanted Ben safe even after all these years. He actually _cared_. Just as his father had… and his mother. So many revolting things done in the name of Snoke, but they hadn’t lost hope in wayward Ben Solo.

Luke still hadn’t spoken, and Ben decided on a different tactic. He appealed to his uncle’s heart. “Please. I have given you no reason to trust me, but I ask for it all the same. I… Uncle Luke, you wanted me to be a Jedi once. You wanted me to be a hero. Those are things I can never be. However, I can be a son to my mother… I can be that again, but only if you let me go. Let me save her the way I couldn’t save _him_.”

Luke’s eyes shined when he stared back at Ben, and the younger man knew there were unshed tears just waiting for a chance to fall. A hand moved behind Ben’s neck, pulling him forward, and he could feel the scruff of his uncle’s beard as lips pressed against his forehead. “I think you _can_ be a hero, Ben… and I’ve never been more proud,” he whispered, sighing in defeat.

Ben wasn’t sure why the words made the tightness in his chest loosen. He didn’t fully understand why relief eased the ache in his gut, and he reached for Rey’s hand like an anchor. His vision was starting to blur, and both men were staring at the floor to conceal their emotions. Rey squeezed his hand. He knew if he were to look at her, she’d be smiling. “Tell us your plan, Ben.”

*******

Ben had been staring at the limp body lying on the bed for nearly a half hour. Luke and Chewbacca were worried he’d slip into a coma, and he knew why. When he closed his eyes he could see the older man’s spark, his life force, still calling to a hunger burning deep inside Kylo Ren. It wouldn’t take much to snuff it out completely, but they needed this man alive. 

He did remember this man. In passing mostly. Kylo Ren had found him disgusting and weak due to his vices. He was just another thief and murder, the kind of person his father would have befriended once, and that thought alone had been enough to sully his character in Ren’s eyes. It was a different time, and he was a different person, but he still felt a little disgusted when his eyes settled on the other man’s face. His fists tightened as he recalled the mocking laughter, spitting malevolent words of disrespect towards Han Solo’s memory.

The darkness seethed with resentment, but revenge was a petty thing when there was something far more dangerous lurking in the shadows. Snoke’s voice called to him even now. _‘Come to me, boy!’_ Ben could hear it like white noise buzzing. He drowned out Snoke’s voice, focusing on his bond with Rey, soaking in her warmth as if she were the sun. He’d been right in that she overshadowed Snoke. His connection to her made it difficult for his former master to exert much control. What little that leaked through was absorbed by Ben’s darkness as it had been before.

When his eyes drifted to the bandages wrapped around this man’s legs, he was reminded of plasma cutting into his flesh, and the loud scream that followed. The wounds were cauterized. They wouldn’t bleed, but the gaping wounds needed to be protected from possible infection. He needed a Doctor. Once his uncle rejoined the Resistance, they’d do what they could for this man, installing hardware to lace within flesh and bone. Kylo Ren had always wondered how long before his own limbs were replaced from battle. How much of him would be lost to war? He’d never counted on his own mind being a casualty.

Ben licked his lips and closed his eyes, reaching out towards the spark barely burning in his enemy. It called to him like a siren, and the temptation to take instead of give was powerful, but he fought down that desire quickly and effectively. Only the dark side could make this transfer. He took a breath, then another one. The final breath held inside him as he took his own force energy to feed his enemy. It wouldn’t take much, but he could already feel his own body quake in protest. The shadow of a man was no longer pale. His heart was beating quicker. When he opened his eyes he could see life returning to the body as it was before… not that it had been worth much. The bed he and Rey had shared now stank of ash instead of sex. He didn’t appreciate the new smell.

He took another breath as the door slid open and Luke stepped inside. “It seems the Resistance is eager to have me. They’ve dispatched their best pilot, Commander Poe Dameron to fetch Chewie and I. The fun part will be trying to convince Admirals Statura and Ackbar to go along with this plan of yours. They may be desperate for my support, but they’ve just endured a heavy loss, and I’ve been gone a long time.”

Ben looked up at his uncle, pushing off the bed to stand. “You have a week. If you and the fleet aren’t at the rendezvous I’ll move forward without you, but I don’t think it’ll come to that.” He nodded down at Snoke’s agent. “He’ll confirm all I’ve said is true. Snoke’s learned a lot from the defeat of the Empire. He’s not making the same mistakes. Now that we’ve exposed a weakness, he’ll be keen to make adjustments to ensure the second base is indestructible.”

Luke’s nod was firm, arms tucked inside his robes. “If you’re going to leave, we should do it very soon. We haven’t much time, and you have a longer journey ahead.”

“Give me a minute.”

Luke left the room once more, and Ben turned back around towards the bed. The man lying there had his eyes closed, but his breathing had changed. He could tell this dark force user was awake. He stared down at him, waiting. He wasn’t sure what for. The other man said nothing. He remained still, keeping his breathing even, his heart steadier than it’d been for some time.

“Tell me your name.”

Finally, he broke his silence with a quiet chuckle. “And what would you do with that information?”

Ben honestly wasn’t sure, but he wanted it just the same. “I want to remember the name of the man I spared.”

When his eyes opened to look at Ben, they were dark, glazed like there were drugs in his system. Perhaps they always looked that way. “I am a shadow. I have no name.”

“Well then… a shadow is how I’ll remember you,” he responded and walked towards the door.

“Kylo Ren,” the shadow growled, and Ben turned back around to look at those empty eyes. “Snoke is waiting.”

Ben’s smile was cruel. “He won’t have to wait long.” He left before another word could be spoken.

*******

Ben and Rey were standing at the Falcon’s ramp with Luke and Chewbacca, making their quick goodbyes. Luke pulled him close with a grip that would make some people wince. “May the Force be with you.”

“And you, uncle,” he’d replied automatically.

He watched as Rey was also pulled into a crushing hug, and her smile widened as she wrapped her arms around her master’s neck and held on tight. “Take care of him, Rey. I’m counting on you.”

Ben was certain he ought to be offended, but she’d already proven to be his guardian angel more than once. He supposed he couldn’t argue with the truth. “I will, Luke. Thank you… for everything.”

“It’s just a week. We’ll see each other again,” Luke re-assured her.

The moment the old Jedi had stepped away, Chewbacca was leaning forward and gathering her in his arms like she were a child. Ben watched with that same mixture of fondness and jealousy, wondering if he’d ever be able to repair the damage between himself and the Wookie that had been his father’s constant companion. Rey simply laughed. “See you soon,” she’d whispered.

Chewbacca’s response was a sad whine as he repeated similar words. When Chewie finally pulled away, the large Wookie’s eyes settled on Ben. The tension between them felt as oppressive as the heat, and Ben dropped his gaze in shame. He was surprised when a large paw touched his face, eyebrows wrinkled in confusion, but he still couldn’t quite make himself look up. A growl filled the distance between them.

_‘Come back safe, young Solo.’_

The air left his lungs completely and he covered Chewie’s paw against his face, his grip firm as if to convey something he knew he could never actually express in words. “I will.”

It was about all the two could muster, but it was more than enough, more than he expected. Luke and Chewbacca pulled away and walked back towards their speeder with a wave. It would be hours before Dameron could reach them and take them back to the Resistance base. Their prisoner had been drugged and cuffed so they could come to see Ben and Rey off. When he finally turned to look at Rey, her smile was wide. “We better go,” she said and shifted the weight of the pack on her left arm to a more comfortable position. She made her way up the ramp with quiet steps, no doubt heading to the cockpit to make calculations for lightspeed.

Ben watched Luke’s speeder disappear in the crowd, and something strange sparkled and shined inside him like a whisper from the force. It urged him to look at something, to witness something significant. His eyes scanned the crowd and a flash of golden hair filled his vision, though the little girl was far off. She sat alone across from the Falcon, back against a small hut that looked to be her home. Her palm was open, and he could see his rock in her hand. Annika. 

He almost walked toward her, eager to say goodbye to the little girl, though he had no idea why. His legs didn’t seem to want to take him to her, and instead he was left watching her from a distance with fondness of Ben and the fascination of Kylo. With a suddenness he understood why the force had urged him to search for her so readily. The small rock of Ahch-To had began to lift from her palm, floating just a few inches above her head. Ben’s eyes widened as she laughed, and he was left stunned. A spark of destiny. He would never forget her face. _‘One day you will achieve greatness.’_ Perhaps it hadn’t been a lie after all….

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Tython is supposed to be where the Je'daii lived, and there was a temple there on the planet for many years before they left. The Deep Core is in the center of the galaxy, and one of the most dangerous places to navigate. Stars are densely packed, but it is said to be where everything began. I'm getting to explore a lot more on my head canons about Snoke in this and later chapters! They say Snoke is ancient, and I have a personal theory about exactly why that is.
> 
> As far as Ben Solo's breakdown in the beginning of this chapter. You'll notice Snoke can still get into his head. I think a lot of his anger and struggle is partly because of Snoke's continued influence on his mind in the movie. I figure, in this story, those kinds of character flaws don't just go away with a snap of a finger. Now he's seeing himself from an entirely different perspective. He's learning that some things just aren't okay. Which will help him develop into someone who is truly redeemed.
> 
> Anyway, please comment and tell me what ya think! The next chapter may be a little late because I have a busy weekend, but I'll try my best to have it ready to post as soon as possible.


	17. “Fly Away From Here”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm visiting the USA for a few weeks to see family and friends, which means it'll be hard to update quite as often. I'll try to at least post once a week! So sorry guys!

**“Gotta find a way  
Yeah, I can’t wait another day  
Ain’t nothing gonna change  
If we stay around here  
Gotta do what it takes  
Cause its all in our hands  
We all make mistakes  
Yeah, but it’s never too late to start again  
Take another breath and say another prayer  
And fly away from here” – Aerosmith ‘Fly Away From Here’**

The deep core. There was nothing brighter and more terrifying than flying towards the very center of their galaxy. It felt like passing a hand through the fire while dodging the flames, and the heat was so intense it only amplified the fear. This was where life first began, stretching it’s light throughout the galaxy. When Rey twisted her neck to look at her co-pilot his eyes shined bright without any of the usual intensity. Instead of shades of dark brown and black, there were flecks of gold in his irises, and she was instantly transfixed before she remembered what she was doing. It was just… she’d never seen him like this before. 

Through their bond his light reached out towards the core as if returning home. She felt it too. As if this place called to her, welcomed her, and was embracing her light with the warmth of a mother. It felt mysterious and dangerous. The force was alive and verbal. Clarity, that’s what Ben had been searching for. He’d told her he needed answers. The closer they came to Tython, the more certain Rey was that he’d been right.

“Rey, you must be careful. Trust your feelings, but don’t get too cocky. Gravity does not follow the same rules here. Some of these stars are billions of years old, and larger than anything you have ever witnessed. If you get caught in it’s gravitation pull, there’s no way the Falcon would be able to get us free. Reach out with the force and look for the clearest path. It will be narrow and difficult to follow. No mistakes, not even one, or this ship may be torn to shreds,” Ben warned.

“Have… have you ever done this before?” she asked, feeling a few beads of sweat collect at her brow as they drew closer.

“Never. Uncle Luke has pulled it off, and my father swore he once navigated through the core successfully, though I can’t say I ever believed him. I thought he was just trying to impress me. Brag about his skills in the absence of true power in the Force.” There was a disgust in the way he described his feelings, as if he were ashamed of himself for not trusting Han Solo’s word. She wondered if Ben would ever forgive himself for their strained relationship in his youth. Perhaps he blamed their rough beginning for the resulting murder of Han Solo. If they’d been closer, loved each other more, his father might be alive. Rey wasn’t so sure it would have made a difference.

Luke had been telling the truth when he’d warned them of the dangers. An ancient, massive black hole made up the center of the deep core. The view through the cockpit was like nothing she’d ever seen. The blackness of space was completely overwhelmed with white light, and in the very middle lived the darkened swirl feeding itself, swallowing up everything that had managed to drift too close. The contrast of light and darkness made the core look like the very representation of the force. It was a balance she’d never witnessed with the naked eye, though forced to see it with a protective filter in order to keep her eyes from damage. “It’s beautiful.”

“Beautiful things are often the most deadly, in my personal opinion.” When Rey shifted her gaze to Ben’s face, there was a faint smile on his lips, and she knew he was teasing her.

“Watch your tongue or I’ll happily confirm that opinion,” she responded, and enjoyed the faint chuckle that bubbled forth to fill the cockpit. For a moment they weren’t thinking about Snoke or Leia. They weren’t agonizing over the short amount of time they were left to find answers to this galaxy’s greatest menace. The light eased their concerns and melted away their tension. In this moment they could smile and laugh as if a weight had lifted from their hearts.

Navigating the deep core was like walking a tightrope. Rey had to be precise. There was a balance to follow, and even a slight miscalculation would risk the ship being caught in multiple gravitational pulls. It required all her concentration in the force and her skills as a pilot. The Falcon’s hull groaned in protest, and the noise made her stomach flop nervously. “You’re doing fine, Rey,” Ben encouraged her. “I’m adjusting a few calculations, just hold the ship steady. The passage through this thing is constantly changing.”

Rey could see the adjustments he was making on her dash, and took a deep breath as the hull’s protests grew faint again. Her eyes remained wide, feeling the power of the force vibrate in every cell like a homing beacon. Each nudge kept her on the tightrope, kept them from certain death, and it’d never been so important to follow it’s lead. “How much further?”

Ben shook his head. “I can’t say for certain. I’m having to make too many adjustments as we continue on. A lot of this information is old and outdated. Passage through the deep core is never the same, but it’s rarely a straight path. Just be vigilant. Stay present. You’re doing fine. You can do this.” 

His words gave her comfort, and she knew he was right. She was an excellent pilot, and she’d done well so far. The strain was wearing her nerves thin, and the sweat on her brow was dripping down her face. She’d be exhausted by the time they reached Tython. More calculations. Rey winced as she heard a loud boom from the hull, as if something had been yanked off, and when the alarm sounded, she knew they were in trouble. “We’ve lost our communications satellite!”

“You planning on making a house call?”

“No, but Ben-”

“We’ll lose a lot more if we try to get it back. No use thinking about it. We’ve got bigger problems. We’re reaching a densely populated part of space filled with stars, and the ship’s a little too wide. I need you to fly sideways to get us through without structural damage. You’re flying between those two large stars up ahead, and be careful! If we’re off by even a millimeter we could get caught up. Tython is just beyond them. Keep us steady, Rey.”

Rey followed his instructions, using the yoke to fly them between the two pulls of gravity. Again the hull began to screech and moan, the ship shuttered, making it difficult for her to keep the yoke steady. “This is bad, Ben!” she complained, gritting her teeth.

“You can do this! Just a few more minutes and we’re through!”

She was groaning right along with the ship, holding her breath, sweat almost blinding her as it tried to drip down the front of her face. The strain on the ship was getting worse. More alarms started to blare, and she tried to ignore them. They could fix things later once they’d landed on the planet, but Ben was right, she couldn’t worry about that now. It was just a little more before they made it through. Rey winced as the sounds through the Falcon made it feel as if the ship were in pain. It was screaming expletives at her like a true rogue, as if the ship were inhabited by the very soul of Han Solo. He would most certainly be aggravated at a moment like this.

Her muscles tensed, knuckles turning white as she gripped the yoke hard, counting the seconds before they made it through. “You’ve got this, Rey! Just a little more! A few more feet!”

The moment she passed through to the other side she could feel the breath leave her lungs, and even the Falcon sighed with relief as she turned the ship upright once again. “Now I get why no one comes here!”

Ben, jumped from his chair to lean over and kiss her cheek, plopping back down as he gave her coordinates to land. “You flew beautifully, sweetheart.” His words made her blush, and her cheek seemed to burn happily from his kiss. This affect he had on her would never go away. She was certain of that now.

Rey’s eyes rose upwards and caught sight of the large planet awaiting them. It looked like a marble of white cloud formations, lush green lands, and the bluest oceans. Two moons swung in it’s orbit, Ashla and Bogan, and their contrasting colors reminded her of the balance. One shined as brightly as the stars, and the other was covered in darkness and red rock. The planet held them together as they drifted peacefully together. Both moons were inhabitable, but it was the planet that they were heading towards.

“It is said that these two moons inspired the understanding of darkness and light in the Force. If you were sent to live on Bogan it’s because you’d given over to the dark side. It was a place of exile. If you veered too much to the light you were sent to Ashla. Tython was the balance. From their exile, they were supposed to contemplate either Bogan or Ashla and find the balance once more. Then… perhaps, they could return home.”

When she turned towards Ben, she was overwhelmed by a sense of warmth to see his eyes shine. He looked so much like a little boy gazing in wonder at the mysteries of the universe. It was as if he were looking at the face of god, and he couldn’t turn away from the beauty. Rey understood his feelings completely. This world felt clandestine in nature and dazzling in beauty. It pulled to her so powerfully now, she could barely stand the time it took to reach the planet. Through the bond she could feel a rush of familiarity that wasn’t possible. Her eyes drifted to Ben.

“I… I used to have dreams even before I knew what this place was. I never understood what they meant or why I had them, but when my mind would take me here… it was strange.” He shook his head and turned to meet her gaze. “It felt like I was home.”

*******

When Rey looked down could almost envision herself walking along the clouds as if it were something solid. They spread out and filled the spaces between mountains, thick and white. They’d set the ship down high in the cliffs of Tython, as close to the Je’daii temple as they could get. The air was cold, and she’d been forced to wear one of Han Solo’s leather jackets. Ben seemed to appreciate the colder weather a lot more than he’d enjoyed Tatooine’s climate. He’d barely bothered to wear long sleeves.

She couldn’t shake the feeling of power in this place. Everything seemed alive around her. When she looked out towards the large cliffs that narrowed at the tips the farther up they went, it looked as if they were breathing and swaying as plants in the wind. The clouds were their source of sustenance, concealing her view of the ground below, and hugging each mountain as they swirled and spread out. She was speechless.

Not even Ahch-To could compare, and she was astounded by everything, even the air she breathed. Her lungs filled with the Force. Her blood surged with potential she’d never thought possible. This was beyond her minds ability to grasp. This surpassed the awakening she’d experienced when she first tapped into the Force. It was like flying in a dream, accepting full control, with nothing to hold her back. Stories lived in every stone and every blade of grass. Eons of history shouting at her till there was only white noise, but if she paid attention she could single out a voice, and everything was revealed to her. This wasn’t just a mystery. This was the reason why they existed. This was the secrets of the universe at her fingertips.

Rey felt a hand on her shoulder, and she took a step back from the cliff’s edge. “Careful, Rey. It’s easy to get caught up,” he warned her. She could tell he felt it too. For him it was even more hypnotic. His bones seemed to drink in the atmosphere as if he’d been starving, and there was a swirl of gray when she touched his mind, more in balance than she’d ever seen him. The planet was stabilizing him somehow. 

“What is this place, Ben?” she found herself asking, surprised by how breathless she sounded to her own ears.

Ben’s eyes were still shining like gold, however the intensity had also returned. “It’s the unknown,” he answered, waving her to follow him. They still had some climbing to do to get to the temple. The stone steps were still intact, some covered by the planet’s greenery, as if the world was absorbing it and swallowing it whole. The air was thin, and Rey felt a wave of dizziness with each step, but then Ben was reaching for her hand and holding her steady. He didn’t seem to be struggling quite like she was. His eyes were focused with a determination she wasn’t used to seeing. He was lost in dreams as if they were memories, as if he was always meant to come here. The planet was showing him the way. She’d felt something similar on Ahch-To. She’d seen that island long before her feet actually walked it’s earth.

With Ben’s hands intertwined with hers, Rey found focus, and the Force kept her moving even as her lungs wanted to protest the difficult climb. They’d had a difficult journey just reaching the planet, and Rey’s mind was growing tired. Thankfully, it wasn’t that far to the top, and as she peered down just a few meters below she could still see the Falcon awaiting their return on the large flat surface tucked under the Je’daii temple. Rey stumbled on the uneven steps, some of which had crumbled into nothing over time. “How much further?”

“Not far. Do you need rest?” Ben asked the question as an afterthought, so focused on the journey it was as if he’d forgotten she was even there. It was a little disconcerting, especially considering they’d been holding hands.

“Perhaps we ought to rest when we reach the top.” Rey wiped the sweat from her brow, determined to tough it out and continue the steep climb. The wind was getting rough, and made her eyes tear up to counteract the dryness and the cold. She made a point of passing Ben so she could get a better look at their destination. It was a massive temple with tall triangular pillars at each corner. Vines covered everything and the stone looked brittle from enduring the wind for so long. The temple itself was just a few feet taller than the pillars, and came to a point. The stonework was meant to last, but had lost all color beneath the greenery growing around it like tight-fitted clothing.

Rocky mountains surrounded them, reaching as high as the top of the Je’daii temple, and Rey found herself wondering if they’d actually carved the temple straight out of the rock. It seemed logical considering how much material they would need to lift up the mountain just to build such a massive structure. Most of the symbols had either worn away, or were covered over by foliage, however she could just make out a symbol on one of the pillars that looked very similar to the ancient texts Luke had shown her and Ben.

**SMACK!**

Rey jumped, spinning towards Ben with wide eyes and a slack jaw. “Did… did you just-”

When Ben realized she couldn’t even finish asking the question out of shock, he laughed, skimming past her with a heated look. She didn’t miss the way his chest brushed her breasts, and his hand dragged around her waist. “Couldn’t help myself. Why? Did you enjoy it?” he teased with a growl, once again taking the lead. She had a feeling it would take some getting used to having Kylo Ren and Ben Solo joined in thought. Her backside burned, eyes narrowing when she realized her stomach actually fluttered with arousal. He was corrupting her.

“Was that really necessary?” she complained, refusing to give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d had any effect on her.

“That’s what happens when you give me something so tempting to look at and then decide to stop moving.”

He was insufferable. This place was putting him in a playful mood. She was certainly pleased to see the shadows lift from his eyes, but there were some aspects of his new personality that she could definitely do without. She could sense his mirth through their bond, the closer they got to the temple, the more jovial he became. Even she was being swept away by the excitement, as if contentment had somehow seeped into the very air they were breathing. It’s affects felt unnatural considering they had no idea what they would find once they gained entrance into the long forgotten construction. It was so ancient, and when she lifted her gaze a mist had descended around it, adding to it’s mysterious ambience.

Ben climbed the last few feet and offered her his hand to help her skip some of the crumbling steps that would have surely been difficult to bypass. “Let’s find you a place to rest.” He spoke closer to her ear so he could be heard over the wind, and they immediately walked towards the raised edges that worked as a safety barrier. They sat with their backs against it on the cold stone ground, and Rey shivered despite her leather jacket. The jacket itself had grown cold, doing very little to shield her from the chill in the air. Ben noticed and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close. “It’ll be warmer in the temple.”

“Why do you suppose they chose something so high up? They could have built their temple anywhere.”

“The higher ground would certainly make it difficult for a ground assault,” he pointed out, always quick to think strategically. He’d been trained to reason this way as a Jedi and as Snoke’s puppet. The fight was all he knew. “And frankly… I’d say the view is worth it.”

Rey watched with a faint smile as Ben’s eyes took in the large gray mountaintops. “You’re enjoying this.”

When his eyes lowered to meet her gaze, she could see his face flush. “I just… it’s peaceful. I… Rey I haven’t felt Snoke’s presence since we landed. He’s completely gone, and all that’s left is you.” She felt him exhale as he ducked down to kiss her. His teeth tugged on her bottom lip just before he pulled away again. “All I feel is the Force and our bond to each other.”

Rey lifted her right hand to caress his face. “Perhaps when all this is over… we can come back?”

There was a hesitancy in his eyes when he nodded, and he didn’t speak. She knew there was still a part of him that didn’t expect to survive facing Snoke. With so much blood on his conscious, he didn’t believe he deserved it. Rey’s smile faltered, but she said nothing. She’d made a promise to Master Luke that she would protect him. Ben Solo may not have been eager to plan their future together, but she was. She had hope.

*******

It had taken them both reaching out with the Force to open the large stone entrance to the Je’daii temple. Darkness and light flowed through them both as the doors slid into pockets carved into the sides, disappearing from view completely. It was Ben that forged ahead first, walking into the shadows without any reluctance. He used his lightsaber to light the way, and Rey tried not to think about the red glow reflecting in Ben’s eyes when he held it up. There was only one narrow path upon entering, and Rey was forced to follow behind him as they cross the threshold of the first chamber. Inscriptions decorated the walls with chips of faded paint still left over in the carved stone. “Can you read any of this?” she asked Ben.

Ben’s eyes roved over the walls, waving his saber towards specific sections. Words filled her mind from their shared link, ideas taking shape, and it was almost as if she was reading it too. “This must be one in several different temples scattered throughout this planet. This one is very specific, as a guide for Je’daii that feel they are losing their way. We were led here, Rey. The Force led us to the temple we needed.”

There were several paths leading further into the temple from this chamber and Rey considered each one. They were identical, each looking jagged and rough further down. “I’m not sure it’s wise for us to split up.” She was starting to feel nervous, worried about what could await them, and whether this temple was actually safe.

Ben switched the lightsaber to his left hand and took her hand in his. When she turned to look at him he leaned forward and kissed her, slanting his mouth against her and urging her mouth to open to him. His lips moved with barely contained fervor, his tongue claiming her, and for a moment she forgot where she was. All that mattered was the way he stole her breath, teased her lips, tongues entwined to taste each other. When he finally pulled away, they were both left panting, and she was definitely conjuring ideas of what they might do to each other later if given the opportunity. “Sometimes it still amazes me that I can do that,” he confessed.

“Why did you?” she queried, curious.

His lips curled in a tight smile. “Because I’m scared… and I know you are too.”

“Not anymore,” she admitted, staring back at him.

“Then I guess it worked.” He lifted their hands to his mouth and kissed her palm before tugging her forward towards the cave just ahead. “I’ll have to remember that….”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are awesomesauce! I love them! ;-)


	18. “Welcome To My Dark Side”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to TRY and update while I'm away on vacation, but I wanted to post one last chapter before I leave just in case I got too busy. In the mean time, let me know what you think! Comments are love! 
> 
> Also, as a warning, things get a bit intense in this chapter. Borderline rough sex, but in case it seems a little hazy, they are definitely two consenting adults in this chapter. lol

**“I can be your reckless, you can be my stake  
I can be your heartache, you can be my shame  
When you're feeling reckless, when you're feeling chained  
When there's nothing left but pain  
Welcome to my dark side  
We're gonna have a good time” – Bishop Briggs ‘Dark Side’**

There was a chill in the air that had nothing to do with temperature. Ben had felt the change as he passed through the tunnel straight ahead. The ambience shifting drastically from hot to cold, and he was shivering from the inside out. He’d read the temple walls carefully, recognizing immediately why the Force brought them to this place. He knew what this was, and he knew what would come next. 

The caverns of the Je’daii temple enveloped them like the dark side cave back on Ahch-To, and the pressure was already building steadily. The trials they would endure next were to test their resolve, judge their merit, and reveal whether they deserved the answers they’d come for. If they failed it would probably mean their destruction. Ben’s grip on Rey’s hand tightened at the thought.

He hadn’t wanted to worry her. Whatever happened next, he knew they could overcome it. They’d survived so much already. His mother’s life was on the line. The galaxy’s fate hung in the balance. Ben Solo was meant to come here, to do this, and that was exactly what kept him moving… even as the dark side seeped deep inside his bones. Rey felt it too. The imbalance was subtle, at first, but it was building fast. His mind raced with images of what Snoke might be doing to General Organa. 

The First Order knew things worse than torture. His former master was a powerful creature who was skilled in manipulation. They would know Leia’s threshold for pain, but there were alternatives to physical violence. Snoke would assault Leia with all the disgusting things her son had ever done. He would break her heart over and over again with images… crush her spirit with Han Solo’s corpse… murdered by their only child. He would _taunt_ her as he was always taunting Ben.

The thought made him fume and boil with a familiar rage that he knew would never leave him. It was only the beginning. They’d been walking for nearly an hour, and the deeper down they went, the worse his feelings became. Rey wasn’t faring much better. She was thinking about her parents. She’d been abandoned to a desert world, made to scrounge like an animal for basic things like food and water. So many nights alone, desperately clinging to a lie, staring at a wall of marks that were as numerous as the tears she cried in the dark. They never came back, and the anger was rising quickly, she’d been left to _rot_. She was grinding her teeth, heart beating twice as fast, and he knew she was enduring his own feelings on top of hers.

This was a test. A test to discover what they could withstand. Ben was shaking under the weight and pressure of the Force. It urged him to lash out. His lightsaber vibrated in his hand as if it had a mind of it’s own. His grip on it tightened, knuckles going white, and he could see shades of red stain the walls with innocent blood spilled by his blade. He tried to shake away the image, the dark was playing tricks on his sight, and even Kylo Ren was reeling in anguish from the reminders. 

The dark side was power, but Ben was staggering like a wounded animal. “Ben,” Rey gasped, pulling away from his grip. He turned around to see tears staining her cheeks, flecks of yellow in her eyes. Ben tried to reach for her, but she pressed herself against the cave, teeth bared like a warning. She was angry and afraid, overwhelmed by a part of the Force she’d barely been exposed to. “We’ve been down here too long! We’re getting nowhere!” she shouted, frustration and aggression finally overtaking her.

Ben had lived with this. He’d lived in the dark, but Rey hadn’t. She didn’t have Kylo Ren to absorb this darkness. “Rey, we have to keep moving. I know what’s happening to you. I know your rage. Remember the cave on Ahch-To… the dark side is strong in this place, but you must not let it consume you. Use it, but don’t give in to it. Make it propel you forward.”

“You leading us in circles! We’re going to die down here! I never should have trusted you!” Rey spat, leaning forward even as she kept her distance, and he knew it was for his sake that she’d let go of his hand. “You _murdered_ Han! You rejected your family! You’re just like _them_! Like my parents!”

She didn’t mean it, but the words stung anyway. Ben’s lightsaber hung low between them, and he knew he needed to let it go. It was dangerous to hold a weapon. He could lose control again, just as Rey was. “Damn it, Rey, FIGHT THIS!” he commanded. “This isn’t you!”

“This is exactly me! You think you’re the only one struggling?! I’ve spent so much of my time saving _you_ , I barely recognize myself anymore! I’m tired of it, Ben! I’m tired of being your savor! I never wanted to get involved! I was dragged into this, and then _you_ kidnapped me! _You_ created this bond! _You_ invaded my private thoughts and dreams! That wasn’t enough for you, either! No… I had no one and then you took the _one_ person I could truly look up to! What was the point, Ben?! What is the point of any of this?! Han Solo died for NOTHING!”

Her words splashed like acid against his face until his skin melted and burned. There was a part of her, deep inside, that was appalled by the words she was speaking, desperate to stop herself. He clung to those feelings, to that flicker of Rey that was slowly being drowned out by hatred and rage. Sometimes the dark side twisted things, spoke lies, made people do things they wouldn’t normally do. Ben switched off his lightsaber and threw it down, relief flooding his system as he fought the urgings of his own anger. She meant _none_ of it. This wasn’t her. He stepped towards her and clasped his hands around her biceps, just barely keeping his grip from becoming rough. 

“No! It won’t be for nothing! His death _changed_ me, Rey! You changed me! I can’t erase what I’ve done, but I know this isn’t you!” There was a bitter taste in his mouth, sick to his stomach at seeing Rey like this. Kylo shuddered, because the wounds she inflicted were especially cruel, and his mind recoiled at the violent whispers of the dark side, demanding he respond with the same venom. He would **never** hurt her. His anger would **not** control him. He repeated the words like a mantra or a prayer. “I won’t let my mother down! I won’t let **you** down! I’m not your parents, Rey!”

Rey’s hands dropped to his chest and shoved him away from her. She slammed him against the opposite wall with an animalistic growl. Ben grunted from the impact, watching the woman he loved lose herself completely. “WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE YOU?! THEY LEFT ME! EVERYONE LEAVES! THEY BETRAYED ME!”

“You don’t know that!” Ben hissed, panting hard, sweat running down his face and back. The agony of fighting down his fury was maddening. “Rey, look at me. I need you to **fight** this!”

“NO!” Her grip was unrelenting. She was pressing him so hard against the rough walls of the cave that he could feel something sharp cutting into his skin, straight through his jacket and clothes.

“The dark side is twisting your mind! You don’t even know what happened to your parents! What if they were killed before they could come back?! You can’t hate them for something you don’t even fully understand! I made that mistake once, and it cost Han Solo his life! I thought he hated me! I let Snoke convince me that he deserved to die!” Rey yanked at his jacket and slammed him even harder against the wall, but Ben cupped her face. His touch remained gentle even as his hands shook from the strain. “The dark side isn’t just pain and anger, Rey! It’s more than that!”

He knew Rey was losing it. The dark side was drowning out her light completely, and not even a flicker could be felt through their bond. She was mindless. Her ferocity blinding her to reason, and he didn’t fight her when she ripped at him, and shoved him away. Ben stumbled forward and hit the ground hard, just barely rolling away as her lightsaber flew down, bathing the cave in blue light. Although he could sense it, he didn’t go after his own weapon. Fighting her would lead to disaster. He could hurt her. His anger was bubbling up, and Kylo could barely contain himself.

“REY!” he screamed, trying to reach her. 

Tears were streaming down her face, and the pain she felt was burning her alive. Ben ran. He knew she would follow. The tunnel they’d been exploring wasn’t a straight shot. There were turns and dips, corners and drops. It didn’t take long for him to find a curve sufficient enough that she’d lose sight of him. The moment she rounded the corner he shoved off his jacket, throwing it towards her face. It was the only distraction he could think of as he tried to knock the saber from her hand. Rey slashed through the material just as he leaped towards her, and gripped the hilt of her saber. “I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU! I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU ON STARKILLER BASE!”

Ben drowned out everything but the pain in her eyes. It was all he could see, all that mattered. Her words were lies meant to encourage his own emotions, but Kylo Ren _knew_ the dark side. His thumb slipped under her grip and he yanked the lightsaber from her hands with all the strength he possessed. Rey jumped back away from him, but before he could register why, her boot made contact with his chest and he was sent to the ground once again. Her weapon rolled from his grasp as she straddled him. Her hands wrapped around his throat, but he found her wrists, trying to relieve the pressure. It took everything he possessed not to fight back. His sanity was slipping through his fingers, but Kylo Ren had a plan.

“The dark side is passion, Rey,” he gasped even as she tried to cut off his air supply. His heart pounded desperately in his chest. His grip on her wrists tightened as she loosened around his neck. “It wants power and _pleasure_ just as much as it wants pain. I know you can feel it, Rey. I feel it too.” The moment she hesitated in her confusion, he rolled them over so that he could pin her. Kylo Ren ducked his head down and grinded his body against hers. “Love and passion. You’re parents mean nothing to me. They may have cast you aside, but I _never_ will. You are MINE!”

Rey swallowed hard, and he could feel her coming back, her senses returning as lust replaced the rage. “Yours,” she agreed through gritted teeth.

Kylo understood this. He knew what was happening to them, what this cave was doing to them. Only one thing was more powerful than hate. Only one thing could make the pain go away. She needed him. “I love you… I need you, Rey. Not as my savor. No… as my _mate_. Yes, I took you! I helped create this bond, and I regret none of it, even now! I want your body and your mind. Your heart and your soul.” She was staring back at him through the dark with wide eyes, soaking his words like a plant in need of the sun. “I want to be inside you… in every way you could possibly image.”

It was Rey that moved up to capture his lips in a surprisingly tender kiss. The way her lips moved against his own felt natural and familiar. The dark side went from boiling to a simmer, the heat was still there, but the aching was gone. His eyes closed as he kissed her back. There was no gentleness in the way he claimed her, letting go of one of her wrists so he could touch her body. Too many clothes though. He would have to fix that. 

“What do you want, Rey? Tell me!” he demanded.

She was already trying to shrug off her leather jacket. He allowed her to sit up, nipping at her neck as the coat began to slide down her arms. His hands tugging at the edges of her shirt and yanking it up. “It hurts… so much pain,” she whimpered. “The dark side… it’s suffocating. Make it stop.”

It was all he needed to hear. Kylo Ren was ravenous and desperate. He threw her shirt off like it’s very presence offended him, pushing her back and pinning her down. His mouth was everywhere, teasing and rough. He ducked down to take a nipple in his mouth and sucked hard enough to make Rey shout. Her back arched, but he eased her down again. His teeth scraped against skin before his tongue swirled over the tender flesh, switching over to the one he’d neglected, teeth scraping against a nipple before he latched on. He couldn’t get enough and neither could she. The dark side surged as they gave over to passion and lust. Kylo switched back to the other breast, his palm massaging the one he’d abandoned, thumb and forefinger rolling her hardened nipple as she cried out. He loved her breasts, how they fit in his hand, the sounds she made when he would suck and lick.

His mouth left her body hovering over her. “I can feel you through our bond, Rey. You’re soaking wet… aren’t you? Did you enjoy attacking me, Rey? Fighting me once again? It made you feel powerful to watch me slam against these cave walls. You’re going to pay for that, Sweetheart.”

“Yes,” Rey gasped, writhing underneath him. “Make me pay.”

Her voice was broken. She was ashamed of how she’d behaved. She felt horrified by the things she’d said. Rey wanted rough, but Kylo would never hurt her. Ben Solo trusted this, if nothing else, as he’d given over to the darkness. “Look at me.” He hadn’t realized she’d closed her eyes. His own eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and he knew part of her was shutting down by keeping hers shut. He wanted Rey. He wanted the woman he loved back. “Look at me Rey.” She shook her head, stubbornly. “Look at me!”

Rey stilled, swallowing hard before she opened her eyes in the dark. “Kylo… I didn’t mean it.” She was still crying. “I didn’t mean any of what I said. Please believe me.”

“Shhhh, I know. That’s why I need to see you. Stay with me, Rey. Don’t give in. The dark side is passion. Feed that and nothing else.” Kylo’s erection strained in his pants. He pulled off his shirt and began to unbuckle his trousers in haste. Rey was already tugging her pants down, kicking them away. He didn’t even bother to remove his, just shoved them down enough to pull himself out. She was wet, and he needed her. He gripped the base of his cock and pushed inside her body with one smooth thrust.

Rey shouted, but it was more from pleasure than pain. She was so slick and tight around him. Kylo cursed and damn near whined as he began to move. Her long legs wrapped around his hips while he leaned down for a messy kiss. His arms were the only thing keeping him from crushing her, the muscles shaking with use. His pace was unforgiving. When he broke the kiss, Rey’s eyes opened once more. Her eyes, hazel eyes, his Rey.

He took one of her hands and shoved it between them so she could feel where they were joined. He could feel a nail drag against his cock when he pulled back, and it made him groan. “This is all that matters,” Kylo spoke. “Nothing else. Do you feel us, Rey? I want you to focus on how I move inside you.” Her arousal was soaking her hand, he was still gripping her wrist to keep it in place. “Stay with me. Passion. No more anger. No more pain. This is the only power that matters. The power you have over me, Rey. I would _die_ for you.” His pace quickened as she rubbed against her clit. Her internal muscles clenched around him as she came, practically screaming his name, and it echoed around them.

Kylo pulled out of her and flipped her over on her knees. His hand skimmed over her back and there were a few scraps from the rough ground. She was on all fours beneath him now, and he loved the sight of it, her forehead pressed into the dirt as he claimed her once more. Rey moaned as he entered her, panting, trying desperately to speak. She couldn’t do it, but he felt everything she was trying to say. 

His hips slammed hard against her with each deep thrust. She was still touching herself, so close to coming once more. Kylo’s back arched and he felt like a beast. He couldn’t stop himself. Couldn’t control it any longer. His pace was quick and sharp, the sounds of skin slapping skin being drowned out by Rey’s enthusiastic cries. She was getting so loud. He wanted to hear her scream again. “Come for me, Rey. Let go.”

It was all she needed to hear as she spiraled. With one harsh thrust she was screaming, loud enough for the galaxy to hear this time. Kylo followed in orgasm, but it wasn’t enough. Perhaps it was the dark side, or sheer force of will, but he was hard as a rock and still thrusting even as his come dripped down her thighs.

He pulled out and rolled Rey on her back again before plunging back in. She yelped in surprise, eyes wide, arms wrapping around his shoulders as his forehead dropped against hers. He felt lost and desperate. His pace was erratic. “So good. I can’t… Rey, please… it’s too much!”

Her hands ran through his hair and he could feel her inside his mind. She was sending him memories and fantasies. Her lips wrapped around him, sucking at his cock. Riding him with her breasts bouncing so close to his mouth. The scenarios were getting outlandish, and progressively filthier than he could have thought possible. Out in public. In front of the watchful eyes of others. Things they’d never do, but made her tremble with want. She was already building up to another orgasm, but he couldn’t wait. Kylo groaned as he came a second time, and he was certain he’d gone blind as the world melted away to nothing. All he felt was relief.

It took him a moment to realize he’d collapsed over her, crushing her against the dirty floor. Kylo was humming pleasantly in his mind, and Ben kissed her temple. He lifted himself off of her and pulled out of her carefully. The sound of Rey’s heavy breaths filled the cave, and he kissed down her body. His tongue slipped out as he passed down the valley between her breasts, her stomach, abdomen, and finally her sex, which was swollen and leaking with their combined fluids. He ducked his head down and began to lick her clean with his tongue. The saltiness overwhelmed his taste buds, but the fact that it was _them_ felt oddly satisfying.

Rey gasped as he dipped his tongue inside her, gentle and exploring. He moved up towards her clit and his lips wrapped around the bud, till Rey’s hips shot up against his face. He could feel the moment she came through their bond, still dazed from their lovemaking, and he continued to lick her folds until he was certain he’d gotten everything. Leaning back on his heels, Ben wiped his mouth, and their eyes locked. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears, but it wasn’t exactly pain he felt through their bond.

“I… I love you, Ben.” He knew. Nothing she’d said before would change that. Their link reminded him of the truth every second of every day. He leaned over her and kissed her lips, feeling her hands cup his face with so much care. The darkness inside her was fading away, and the strength of her feelings crashed against him so hard he almost cried with relief.

He broke their kiss and smiled down at her. “It’s okay. We’re okay. I love you too, Sweetheart.”

Ben helped her dress, and he knew she was sore. He hadn’t meant to be so rough with her, but she didn’t seem to be complaining. It took a little longer to find her lightsaber. He knew his was farther down in the cave. He tried to call it to him, but nothing came. Ben hesitated to go after it, worried he’d be putting himself in danger if he went back. He’d lost a lightsaber yet again, but this was Tython, and perhaps once their trials were over, he’d be given the chance to construct something new. Something made just for him as he was now.

“Let’s keep moving.”

“Ben, you don’t have a weapon.”

He reached for her hand, his smile tight and filled with tension, worried about what they would face next. “I guess you’ll just have to protect me then.”

Rey huffed. “Considering I almost tried to kill you, I’m not really feeling very secure with that option.”

“Don’t worry about it, Rey. I’m not completely defenseless, and I certainly didn’t need my saber to defeat _you_ just a second ago.” When Rey flushed, it took him a minute to realize why, and he pulled her close and smirked against her cheek. “Well… different _kind_ of saber.”

“This isn’t funny, Ben.”

Rey pulled away from him, but her hand remained in his. He knew she was still upset. What they’d experienced was ultimate darkness, something not even Kylo Ren could completely contain. Her guilt was easy to identify as it bled through their bond, despite her best efforts to ignore it. Ben wasn’t sure what he could say to make things better. He couldn’t pretend it hadn’t hurt, that she hadn’t said all the things he’d always feared she felt. Then again, this was the same woman that never gave up on him, that chased after him, stood by him, protected him, and loved him despite his past. Actions spoke louder than words.

He stilled, tugging Rey back towards him, knowing she was far from okay. Something worse could be waiting, and he didn’t want to face that with this tension between them. “Look at me, Rey.”

This time she lifted her eyes to his without hesitation. “What?”

Ben licked his lips and stepped closer to her, leaning down to her level. His other hand moved to her cheek, and he savored the way she leaned into it. “I know you didn’t mean it. The dark side twisted your mind, and you can’t blame yourself for that, but if it helps… I forgive you.”

It was Rey’s smile that gave him relief, certain he’d said the right thing. She leaned over and pressed her forehead against his, and the bond hummed to life with a warm glow. He tilted his head down to kiss her, she was far too tempting to resist. The next trial could wait. The woman he loved needed reassurance, and maybe so did he, but he knew they’d be stronger for it. They could survive anything, he was sure of that now… maybe even Snoke.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right... the dark side is defeated by sex. Don't you judge me. lol


	19. “The Light Of Dawn Is On Us”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long. This chapter was such a struggle for me. I actually rewrote the entire thing twice, and I'm still not totally happy about it, however I felt guilty about leaving the story so long. Please let me know what you guys think in the comments. I'll admit I'm kind of curious what you think, especially when I've added a big twist at the end! ;-)

**“It's a chance to give new meaning to every move we make,  
In the cavern, in the cave, where we come from.  
When the light of dawn is on us,  
We will see what we can be,  
And the ancient ones can sleep an easy sleep  
In the hallways of the ages, on the road to history,  
What we do now will always be with us.” – Neil Young ‘Light A Candle’**

They’d barely walked more than a meter when everything changed; from darkness to light, and with a suddenness that blinded her. It crashed against her senses and almost seemed to burn her skin, as if the darkness pouring in had altered her down to the cells. Was this what it felt like for Ben? The bond had shown her so much, but she was an outsider in his mind, observing like the audience in a play. It was another thing entirely, to experience it herself. One minute pain, terrible and maddening, and then this blissful serenity. The darkness had dug nails deep inside her soul, ripping out lies and outright hate that she’d long since buried. Rey had never been torn apart before. Only now did she fully understand.

Ben Solo and Kylo Ren. There’d been a time when she hated… hated _him_. Everything was so simple. Through the bond she’d discovered complexity, shades of gray, but she hadn’t _understood_. She’d never known power like that. She’d never felt rage infuse itself into her bones until everything went cold, and nothing else mattered but spilling blood. _Madness._ Snoke had driven Ben Solo to madness with the dark side… long before he’d snapped and killed Han. The dark side was so ready to claim another victim, and Rey shuddered to imagine her lightsaber run through Ben’s chest.

Kylo Ren saved her just as equally as he saved himself. He’d pulled her from the depths of insanity. Her body ached from his touch, begging her to give in to the dark, to wield it with the skill of a master. Kylo knew the dark. It was powerful and overwhelming, like a beast that needed taming. Whispering to the dark, turning the beast into an ally before it could consume her. For so many years it had consumed Kylo, but he’d finally found the strength to control the dark, and he’d revealed his secrets to her. Passion. His love for her, his _desires_ … something better than power. She’d lost herself in the dark and that had led to pain. When she’d lost herself to Kylo… she’d finally regained her mind. _Passion gave her control._

Only now it was the light shining through her from deep inside this frightful cave. From darkness to light, and Ben was basking in it’s glow. They’d reached a part of the cave that opened up to another chamber, and her eyes narrowed into a squint as the light burned. The depth of her pain, in the way she’d been abandoned by her family, it faded away too suddenly. Rey wanted nothing more than to analyze those feelings, fearful that the dark side was not through with her. Eventually, she’d need to face the fact that they left her behind, because the beast still lurked, and she would not let it consume her again.

The dark side was gone, though, and her pain refused to manifest itself. All that was left was peace and serenity. It was affecting Ben too, but at a faster rate. The ever present guilt and self-loathing from taking his father’s life was burned away in an instant. The fear for his mother’s well-being… she felt it fading from his heart, as if it were actually erasing the memory of her completely. Rey began to panic when he let go of her hand, eyes roving over the ancient walls of the chamber, and when she turned to him… he almost seemed to glow. What was this? Where were they now? What was this place doing to them?

“Ben?”

He seemed to float around her as if his feet were no longer touching the ground. Ben Solo had never known this feeling before. Snoke’s darkness was a shadow that had permanently stained his soul since the beginning. His life had been a constant struggle, desperate for a peace that had always been out of reach. He’d only ever hoped for balance, but this went far beyond that. He felt nothing bad. No pain. No guilt. No fear. No struggle. He was _losing_ himself over to the light, falling into it eagerly. To Rey, it felt as if he was being burned alive, and her heart groaned at the loss. He was forgetting Leia. He was forgetting _everyone_ … including her. His eyes were too busy soaking up the words burned into jagged rock.

“Rey… do you know what this place is?”

Rey swallowed hard, her eye-sight returning with more clarity as her eyes adjusted to the bright room around her. Outwardly, he stood before her as Ben. He was calm, his voice steady. Only the bond allowed her to see what was happening beneath the surface. “No.”

“It’s the key.” Ben’s hand reached out to touch the writing as if he could absorb the knowledge through touch, fingers tracing lines and dots that Rey could not comprehend or recognize. It was written in the same language as the books Luke Skywalker had found. The walls were speaking, but she could not hear it, only Ben. Rey reached out for him through their bond, and her eyes widened as she realized she no longer sensed Kylo. She couldn’t sense the dark side at all. He was… _gone_. Silenced. This had never happened before. She hadn’t even thought it could be possible! “It’s the key to peace.”

She had a bad feeling, a _terrible_ feeling… a tension in her gut that told her this place was getting inside their minds just as before. Another test. “We need to leave,” she insisted, and her heart skipped several beats at the fierce opposition her words inspired. Ben didn’t seem to notice what was happening to him. Rey felt it keenly. Her fears and concerns, she tried so hard to hold onto them, but it was like trying to keep sand from slipping through her fingers. The darkness and the beast, now overwhelmed by the light’s intensity. Nothing mattered. Nothing felt important. The universe was calm, but Rey refused to give in.

“We can’t leave. This is important. I need to study this.”

“That would take too long, Ben! Your mother doesn’t have enough time!”

Confusion. Briefly his eyes narrowed, and he turned back to look at her. “Mother?”

“Yes! You’re mother! Snoke has her! We didn’t come here for this! We came here to find a way to destroy Snoke and save your mother!” Rey reminded him, briefly closing her eyes when the light seemed to intensify. It was too much. Why did Ben seem so unaffected? His eyes were so wide… soaking in the light zealously.

When she re-opened her eyes, Ben was shaking his head. He turned back to the walls. Rey took a moment to survey the chamber. The shape of the room was like a hexagon, but with a few opened sides in which they could escape… only the light would shift and the paths weren’t so clear anymore, as if the entire room was spinning and changing before her eyes. Every single wall was covered in the writings of the Je’daii. The walls glowed with crystalline and a bright blue that felt organic as it faded and intensified. It seemed as if the walls were breathing, sometimes dim, and then it would shine so bright she could barely stand it. Even the floor, which was so black it looked like she walked on nothing, was reflecting light like a mirror. She searched for an exit in the ever shifting room, some way back into the tunnels, but it was too hard to see. She spun around and her hands reached out towards the walls, walking along the sides.

“Ben?”

He was so far from her now, as if purposely avoiding her. “I could spend my entire life studying this. I could devote my life to _peace_. Finally!”

“There is no peace! Not as long as Snoke is allowed to live!” she argued, practically clinging to the small bit of darkness buried inside. She thought of her parents. She thought of Han Solo’s chest as Kylo’s saber pierced him, how his body had fallen away while she screamed and cried. Rey clung to her pain and her anger. She pressed her back against the wall to feel the sharpness of wounded flesh from Kylo’s passion. Again she closed her eyes, recalling how he’d thrust inside her roughly, begging her to _feel_ … feel her body stretch around him. Sweet pleasure and pain. _Passion._ “We need to keep moving.”

“You don’t understand, Rey! How do you not feel it?” When she opened her eyes, he was staring at her, his eyes pleading. “The light… do you have any idea? This is so much better than I imagined.” He took in a deep breath, and more light poured inside him. “I can finally see everything. It’s so clear. This never ending cycle. Snoke… the Emperor… countless others. It never ends, Rey. The wars never end. The fight never stops. It’s useless. Everything we do. My mother has wasted her entire life fighting evil, and look where it’s gotten her. Rebellions and the Resistance. Struggles for scraps of justice while the corrupt take advantage of the weak. I don’t have to do that anymore. I could walk away from all of it.” 

“You’re being selfish!” Rey spat, frustrated. She winced, slamming her back hard against the wall, desperate for the pain. It was so tempting. He wasn’t wrong. This fight would never be over… even after Snoke. The dark side would not always just appeal to passion. The lust for power would lure others in, and like Snoke, they would rise and crush any who stood in the way.

“No! No, this is better. You don’t get it, Rey. You don’t know what it was like! I _killed_ for him. I killed so many people… including my own father. If I go back… if I face Snoke… it would just be more of the same. The cycle would continue! More _killing_. Killing for you. Killing for my mother and my uncle. Killing in the name of my father! More death! Why should I go back? Why must I be the one to kill Snoke? I’m free of him now! We’re free of him! He can’t hurt us here! Mercy, Rey! This would be a mercy!”

She saw it, the way his eyes shined, unshed tears. Through the bond she felt a flicker, a spark of darkness. “Not everyone deserves mercy, Ben.”

He was trying so hard to cling to the light taking hold of him. He was so desperate. “I could fall, Sweetheart. I could fall all over again. Kylo Ren destroys his master, but someone needs to fill the void. I could fall to the dark side. Is that what you want?”

“You won’t. I trust you. I would never let you fall.” _Fear._ She could feel it. Just a speck buried deep inside him. Fear that if he survived Snoke, he would give in to his lust for power. Turn back into the monster. “The dark side is passion.”

“The dark side is _pain_ , Rey!” he almost wailed, and it felt as if he was begging now, he moved towards her, walking to the center of the room. “That’s all I’ve ever known. I thought I could be whole with Kylo, but it’s impossible. How can darkness mix with light? How can I be both? This is better! Han Solo is one with the Force, and I know he’s gone, but it doesn’t _hurt_ anymore.” Ben closed his eyes, lips slowly curling in a smile full of relief. “There is no death… there is only the Force.”

“I watched you kill him, Ben! You shoved a lightsaber in his chest! You need to atone for that! You owe it to Han Solo to SAVE HIS WIFE!” she growled, feeling a small bit of blood stain the back of her shirt as she made the wounds on her back worse. She couldn’t give in to Ben’s reasoning. She needed to bring him to his senses, remind him of his duty. “You’re her only hope!”

His eyes widened then, a shadow flickering in his dark eyes. “Maybe… maybe Luke can save her. He doesn’t struggle with the dark side like I do.” His hands ran through dark curls, shaking his head, and she could feel his confusion. “I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. Please don’t ask me to kill him. So much hate and blood. It consumes and rips me in two. All I ever craved was peace.”

“You can find peace when Snoke is dead! Find the balance in the Force. We’ll come back here and discover it together. I promise!”

“No… no… Rey, no!” The rush of anger cooled the heat generated from the light. Ben dropped to his knees. He needed her. So lost. So desperate to be better than the murderer life had turned him into. Rey pushed against the wall and kneeled down before him, wrapping him in her arms as she felt a wetness seep into her shirt. He clung to her like a child, and Kylo… the darkness of Kylo was clawing through the light. “Please no… I never wanted this! I never wanted to be a killer! Why?! Why can’t I just walk away?!”

“Ben… this is your destiny.” She was hurting him. The truth of this cut deep, and she found herself crying too. There was no avoiding this. He needed to remember his pain. She realized now, the danger of the light. So intense it could blind people to the darker truths. Ben Solo was so desperate for serenity and Kylo craved the war. Balance would take so much effort. It was easier just to choose a side. This was why Ben struggled within himself. His mind was impossibly split. Even with this truce between Ben and Kylo, they were so fundamentally different. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered into his hair. She rocked him gently, trying so hard to soothe him, enduring his sobs like cuts against her heart. Kylo continued to fight for survival, and she was fighting with him… _for_ him. “You were never meant for peace.”

Her words both broke him and saved him. It was a truth Ben had always known. Born in darkness and light, to a galaxy endlessly lost in wars, and to a family that would never keep still. How could he be anything more than this? His fate had been sealed since birth. His defiance… oh how the stars would shake and shudder. She couldn’t be the first to realize this fact. This man that she loved so dearly now, but even Rey understood the dark path ahead _needed_ to be walked.

She sighed in relief when she felt Kylo Ren revive deep inside Ben Solo, fighting back the light, chipping away at the serenity that had almost destroyed him. It was possible she’d just doomed him to death. Kylo had warned her that facing Snoke might end in his own demise. Rey could only hold him a little bit tighter as those thoughts echoed and she found herself crying with him and for him. It was so tempting… oh so tempting to hide in the light of Tython. Snoke would continue to devastate an already ravaged galaxy, while they remained safely tucked away, but how could they turn their backs on so many? If the galaxy was suffering, they ought to suffer with it. Ben Solo was not meant for peace… and neither was she.

*******

Rey wasn’t sure when they’d fallen asleep. Her eyes opened slowly, but the room around her seemed changed. The light was almost gone, leaving only a dim glow behind. The crystalline shimmered in shadow, and her exit was clearly seen. No longer did the room breathe and move like a living thing. She was wrapped in Ben’s arms, and she slide up enough to kiss his lips, a kinder way to wake him. He deserved nothing less after everything he’d gone through. Ben stirred, eyes fluttering open as he met her gaze. “What happened?”

“I think… another test?”

He hesitated for a moment before agreeing. “First darkness and then light. Only someone who has found balance could ever survive down here.”

“We’re still alive.”

“Because we have each other. Kylo Ren saved you from the darkness and you saved me from the light. We’re balanced together as one. I’m not sure that counts.” He drew away from her with a groan and offered her his hand, pulling her up with him. His eyes rove over the walls, and his lips pressed together in a frown. “The writings on the walls are gone. So much for the secret to peace.”

His voice was too soft and rough. Ben may have accepted his fate, but she knew he mourned the loss of so much light swallowed up by Kylo Ren. “We should get going.”

When she moved to turn around she heard Ben’s intake of breath, and his hand shot out to grip her hip. “You’re bleeding!”

“It’s fine, Ben.”

“Is this from before… from when I… when we-”

Rey turned back around to face her bondmate, already sensing the guilt rising in his gut. “It wasn’t bleeding before. I aggravated my back to keep my senses. You weren’t the only one tempted by the light, Ben. I simply found an easier way to resist it.”

“By hurting yourself?!”

“It worked, didn’t it?” she pointed out with a huff. “It wasn’t exactly fun for me, you know? Telling you that you don’t deserve happiness!” Perhaps she sounded a bit defensive, but between what she’d said in the cave, and the things she’d told him in this chamber… well, she felt more than a little on edge. These tests were taking a serious toll on their relationship.

“Rey, that’s not fair… I am happy! You make me happy! I just… is it wrong to want more? More than just a _taste_ of your light?”

“Of course not,” Rey assured him, deflating. “If there’s anything this experience has taught me… it’s that the more we learn about the Force… the less we actually _understand_ it. Master Luke used to tell me so many times that the Force was infinite, but I wasn’t paying attention. This power we tap into is absolutely terrifying. It makes us so different from the others. I think about Finn… about the people back on Jakku and I envy them now. They’ll never understand this burden we bear.”

Ben looked so downhearted. Her doing. Their reality was pushing in on them, and the clock was ticking so loud it made her bones vibrate. When she’d first met Master Skywalker he’d looked as if the weight of the galaxy rested on his shoulders. That’s because it _did_ , and now that weight was shifting onto her and Ben. She felt decades older than that lonely girl on Jakku.

Ben pulled her close and wrap his arms around her. He was actually trying to _comfort_ her. “When I learned who my grandfather was… Uncle Luke told me that his story was a tragedy. The Jedi believed him to be the chosen one that would bring balance to the Force. In killing the Emperor and sacrificing himself… he fulfilled his destiny of destroying the Sith. I think maybe it was a relief in the end… when he finally laid eyes on Luke and realized he’d done what he was always meant to do.”

Rey buried her face into Ben’s chest and inhaled deep, committing his scent to memory. He smelled like sweat and dirt… and something uniquely _him_. It was the most pleasant scent she could ever imagine. “I’m afraid.”

“Me too,” he confessed, his right hand tracing down the wetness of her back, caked in blood.

Rey lifted her head to look up at him, and he met her gaze. Her heels left the ground as she shifted her weight to her toes, and he met her for a tender kiss. His nose crossed against hers, nuzzling her cheek with so much affection. “What was the point? Why would the Force bring us together if an ugly end is all that awaits us?” It didn’t make any sense.

“You said it yourself, Rey. There’s still so much we don’t understand about the Force or it’s path for us. All we can do is walk it together.” He reached for her hand in between them and their fingers intertwined. “I didn’t think I could be strong like Vader was. Now I’m sure it was Uncle Luke that gave him his strength... as you give strength to me.”

Rey smiled at that. “I really do love you, Ben.”

His lips curled into a grin. “I know.”

_“Really kid? That’s your response? Have I taught you nothin’?”_

Ben and Rey stilled, the hairs simultaneously prickling on the back of their necks as they turned away from each other towards the small passage where the voice had come from. A shimmering, translucent figure of blue and white stood in their path. His lop-sided smile gave her chills, with his arms folded like he was truly affronted. 

The ghostly figure rolled his eyes dramatically. _“You can fight it all you want, but the apple don’t fall too far from the tree, eh son?”_

“H-H-Han?” Ben croaked, and his grip on Rey tightened. Her eyes were wide enough to hurt as she stared at the image of Han Solo. It couldn’t be possible. There was no way.

_“I ain’t **Han** , goddamn it… I’m your **Dad**!”_

“But… you died,” Rey protested.

Han Solo simply shrugged. _“It’s like Ben said… there is no death, there’s only the Force… or whatever.”_

“This isn’t possible! You aren’t even a Jedi,” Ben protested.

_“Well, you try tellin’ the Force that, kid… I’m just tryin’ to help….”_

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I give a small nod to the Aftermath novel in this chapter. Comments are love, and I am starved. lol


	20. “I Know I Have To Go”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I stayed close to Han's character. Sometimes he's a bit tough to pin down, but I figured any differences can be blamed on being killed by his son and becoming one with the Force, right?

**“How can I try to explain, cause when I do he turns away again  
It's always been the same, same old story  
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen  
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away  
I know I have to go” – Cat Stevens ‘Father and Son’**

“This is a test.” Ben’s blood had gone cold, muscles stiff, and he barely noticed the alarmed look on Rey’s face when she turned to face him. Surprise had quickly turned to anger and guilt, his greatest sin standing before him as if it were _nothing_. The first two tests were a challenge he’d faced with a heavy heart, but this felt especially cruel. “You can’t be real.”

The imposter’s hands settled on his hips, eyes narrowing in frustration. _“I’m not here to argue with ya, kid! We ain’t got time for that! I think I’ve endured that god damn scowl of yours for long enough… I refuse to stand for it in my afterlife!”_ When he took a step forward, Ben immediately jumped back. _“Damn it, Ben! At least let me explain!”_ His father’s temper was certainly realistic, but that only made Ben angrier. His chest was impossibly tight, and his teeth clenched till his jaw felt sore.

He didn’t want an explanation. He wanted to get the hell out of this Force Tunnel. He wanted to go face Snoke, win or lose, save his mother, support the Resistance, literally ANYTHING but this. This was too much. This was over-the-top. He wanted to _run_. “Ben?” Rey’s voice was gentle, but it made him flinch.

She could sense it now. The rising darkness of his guilt. Kylo wailed inside his mind like a wounded thing. _No, no, no, no, no, no!_ It wasn’t real! He wasn’t real! Just another test! He couldn’t endure anymore! Not after the light… not after all the things Rey had said, all the truths she’d laid bare like a slap to his face. He knew he wasn’t meant for peace, but he’d at least hoped for some measure of _sanity_! “No! I worked too hard to put myself back together again, and I won’t let _him_ tear me apart!” he shouted, pointing at the ghostly pretender. He was angry. At himself. At the Je’daii. At everything and everyone. Hell, perhaps a small part of him was even angry at Rey. The sudden guilt after so much serenity was like a splash of cold water against his face. He couldn’t breathe. His lungs wouldn’t expand. He kept moving back even as Rey tugged at him, his grip on her loosened as he continued to resist. “I CAN’T DO THIS!” he growled at her.

_“You just don’t get it do you?! Ben, this isn’t a test! This is the thing you’ve been _waiting_ for!”_ Han shouted. _“So stop being so god damn stubborn!”_ Another step forward, and Ben’s eyes widened. The ghostly figure briefly glanced at his bondmate. _“I’m sorry, Rey, my son and I are gonna need a private chat!”_

The figure may have sounded like his father, but he moved with far more speed. One minute Ben was freeing himself from Rey’s grip and the next minute a hand was waving over his face. He didn’t have the mind to process what was happening as his eyes fluttered closed and he dropped to the ground. He didn’t even hear Rey scream his name.

*******

_His head feels strange, filled with cotton, and for a moment everything swirls. He’s unsteady, but hands catch him before he can fall, and his eyes are overwhelmed by stars. A window. He stands at a window. Not just any window either… he’s on the Falcon, cockpit, and he leans down to grip a nearby chair. The stars are moving, lightspeed, shifting from spots of light to long lines that never seem to end. He doesn’t know his destination. He doesn’t have the energy to look._

_“You look good, kid. Better than last time I saw ya.”_

_Ben swallows and shut his eyes. The words burn his ears, and he swings the chair around and drops into it like his legs no longer work. He refuses to look at the man standing behind him. He refuses to speak. He wouldn’t know what to say anyway. **This is a test.** Ben focuses on the stars, on the window, waiting to see where his father’s ship would take him. He would be patient. He refuses to look at the destination. It doesn’t seem to matter. It was already set._

_“So that’s how it’s gonna be? Just ignore me? Yeah… suppose I’m not surprised. Your mother was really good at that. Could be as cold as the winters on Hoth when she wanted to be. She used to say I brought out the worst in her… probably right.” Ben can hear him shift to take the co-pilot’s chair. The action makes him feel vindicated somehow. His father would never have done that. “You’re in my chair, son.”_

_Ben’s eyes narrow. He focuses on his breathing. In. Out. This was just a dream or a vision, but it makes him feel better. Oxygen filling his lungs. It isn’t possible. Han Solo cannot be a Force Ghost because he has never been trained. He wasn’t even Force-sensitive. It’s never happened. No one has ever returned from the Force… no one, but oh how it hurts. It physically hurts. He can feel his father’s eyes on him and it’s burning straight into his skill. Such sad eyes. Eyes that longed to meet the gaze of his only son. “You aren’t real.”_

_“I know what you’re thinking. Just a smuggler… your father. Why would the Force choose me to come back like this? I was never… like you… or your mother. Hell, I never understood any of this. I’m just a drop in a bucket. Thing you never considered is… I’m here because of who you are… not who I am.”_

_Ben doesn’t understand. It’s slow, his neck twisting just half an inch at a time, eyes sliding towards his right with caution. He doesn’t know what he expects to see, but when he finally faces his father the ghostly glow is gone. He looks like flesh and blood. He almost bends over from the stab of pain that rolls through him in waves. He looks so… **alive**. Tears fill his eyes and he does nothing to prevent them from falling. His father’s eyes drop as if Ben’s emotional state is making him uncomfortable. Even in death, he hasn’t changed much._

_“Damn it, kid… I’m not the right man for this. One minute I was staring into your eyes, touching your face, sayin’ goodbye, and the next I was gone. I was everywhere and nowhere. Not a single thought running through my head. Just drifting in the Force. Then I was pulled back. Sent to you for a purpose. You need this kid, not me. I always knew how it would end.”_

_His words feel heartless. That his father doesn’t feel the need to face what his son did to him… it didn’t make any sense. Then again, when had he ever understood his father? When have they ever seen eye to eye? Did he really expect anything different? “Just who you are, right? Scoundrels don’t do emotion?”_

_Han’s eyes change, they darken, and he knows he’s made his father angry. “Don’t you dare, Ben. I may not be any good at this, but I’m not some god damn droid! I **loved** your mother… and I sure as hell loved **you**! When I met your mother all I ever wanted was her to **see** me! I mean really see me! Then one day she did… and I don’t know how, but she was mine and she was tellin’ me she loved me! Then you came along and it was like I was that cocky, reckless idiot all over again! No idea what I was doing, but so desperate for you to see me! I figured… I did it once. I could do it again. Turns out… lightening doesn’t strike the same place twice.”_

_His father’s words make Ben flush with shame. He knows. He knows his father loved him. He had no right to question that, but he’s still so angry. He’s so filled with guilt and this moment was all he’d ever wanted, but it hurts. He can’t endure how badly this is killing him. “I wanted you to be someone else.”_

_“Yeah well, I guess so did I,” his father admits, head hung low with a shame of his own. He carries the shame of being a father who couldn’t accept his son. The barriers built between them had left them both feeling empty and full of regret. It felt like a second war. Ben had already settled the first with Kylo, but he wasn’t sure he could do the same with Han Solo._

_“You and mother, it felt like you didn’t want me. It felt like I got in the way. You were better off without me. At least with Uncle Luke he was invested in me… **wanted** me. He took me eagerly out of some foolish desire to see me fulfill destiny and rebuild the legacy grandfather destroyed.” Ben loses his voice as a sob rips from somewhere deep in his gut. Han Solo remains still, eyes wide, as if afraid he’ll just make things worse. Even now… he’s still making all the same mistakes. “I know I rejected you, but I was still your son!” he finally shouted._

_Han swallows. “I was afraid, Ben. I wanted you more than I’ve ever wanted anything, but damn it… I was so afraid. I guess… I guess I still am.”_

_“WHY?!” he growls with the fierceness of Kylo Ren. He needs to understand._

_His father actually tenses, unable to meet his gaze. Ben feels a hesitant hand close the distance between them, and his eyes shut tight as fingers trail down his face along the scar. “Kid… I… you never met your grandfather. **I did.** Before your mother and I were married I came face to face with Darth Vader. My blaster flew out of my hands while I tried to protect your mother, but just like that I was rendered powerless. I was nothing to him. He could have killed me with a thought. He tortured me. Just walked out of the room while I screamed. He watched me… watched with cold soulless eyes while your mother told me she loved me for the first time. You learn to survive out here, son, but nothing is ever forgotten. The moment I realized how powerful you could become… I remembered Vader. You wanted nothing to do with me, and I was powerless all over again.”_

_Ben’s mouth is dry. Words leave him, and the cruel slap of yet another truth leaves him trembling. He met his father’s gaze, eyes urging him to understand. The words were there unsaid. He wasn’t perfect. He was so very flawed. Love had never been the issue. It had always been fear. “You were afraid of me?” And didn’t he have every right to be? In the end his fears had been justified. Kylo Ren killed his own father in loyalty to a manipulative monster._

_“From the moment I laid eyes on you… I was always afraid, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you. That doesn’t mean I didn’t want you. I faced my fears, Ben. When your mother asked me to bring you back I was afraid then too, but I faced my fears for her and for you. I know how it would end. I knew.”_

_“You knew I would kill you?” Ben questions, pulling away from his father’s touch. His back straightened, still struggling to breathe properly._

_Han shrugs, letting out a huff, and looking half exhausted. “What do you want me to say, kid? I’m sorry! I’m sorry I wasn’t a better father! I’m sorry I wasn’t a god damn Jedi or royalty! I did what I had to do! I made the sacrifice! Hell, I couldn’t make my life worth very much, but at least my death would have meaning!”_

_He can’t believe what he’s hearing, and he feels sick to his stomach. He remembers the bridge, the way his father drew closer to him, how hesitant he’d been even as he closed the distance and tried to talk sense into Kylo Ren. Fear in his father’s eyes. Acceptance across his face when he touched Kylo’s face. The truth was always there, but Ben had never seen it. This revelation makes him weak all over again. It’s far too much, and he longs for Rey. He feels so alone inside his mind, and he needs her holding him, telling him that she loves him. He’s falling apart._

_“Memories can either make or break us, Ben. That’s why I’m here. That’s why the Force sent me. You needed to understand what happened to you, because it’s the exact same thing you’re going to do to Snoke.”_

_Ben shakes his head, he still can’t seem to catch his breath. “I don’t understand! What does killing you have to do with defeating Snoke?!” he hisses, curling in on himself._

_When he tucks his head down Han immediately leaves his chair and forces his son to look up. Large hands grip his head tight enough to hurt, demanding his attention. His eyes are so filled with determination, so much strength. Ben’s never seen his father like this before. “You aren’t the only one that can be torn apart by memories, kid! Snoke has a weakness… and it’s up to you shatter him like he shattered you!”_

_“H-h-how?!” Ben croaked._

_Han Solo’s lop-sided smile filled his vision. “Let me show you.”_

*******

Ben’s eyes fluttered open, mouth dry, and his body felt wrecked. He could feel gentle hands running through his hair, and Rey’s relieved sigh as she realized he was stirring. “Ben! I was so scared you wouldn’t wake up! What happened?! I couldn’t feel you through the bond! You were completely numb!”

The memories returned with crushing persistence, but he was in Rey’s arms this time, and he clutched onto her like she was his lifesaver in treacherous waters. His father was gone, but it didn’t hurt quite so badly the second time around. “Rey… he… he showed me how to defeat Snoke! We have to get back to the Falcon.”

“He what? How?” she questioned, eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. 

It was still too much to process. The memories now locked away in his mind would change everything, already had changed everything. He didn’t know quite what to tell her. The box was sealed like a secret, they needed protecting until the time was right. He shook his head, more aware of his surroundings. He was curled in Rey’s lap, and his lips grazed a sliver of skin at where her shirt lifted. Rey. This beautiful woman that loved him, stood by him, protected him, and he felt like he needed her now more than ever. To him, she was the one with all the strength and power. Perhaps he was weak and foolish, but it seemed to be a family trait, and who was he to think he could rise above his bloodline?

“Ben? You’re scaring me.”

She was worried about him. He couldn’t blame her. He was scaring himself. He didn’t know what would happen next, but his time was up, and he’d gotten what he came for. He pulled himself up, sitting beside her on the cold, stone floor. His hand reached out to cup her cheek as he kissed her, cherished her, desperate for this affection after enduring the presence of his father. Perhaps he found some peace, but it would never be enough. The damage was forgiven, but not forgotten. His guilt would never go away, but he knew he could live with it now.

When Rey broke their kiss, her eyes searched his. He wasn’t sure what she was looking for. “It really was _him_ … wasn’t it?”

Ben nodded. “I think so.”

“What did he tell you?” she asked, drawing out the question as if she was almost afraid to hear his answer.

He dropped his chin to her shoulder and kissed her neck. “He told me… he told me he loved me. He told me he was sorry for all the things that went wrong. He showed me why I was made to suffer… that it’s the only way I could understand. He showed me how to tear Snoke apart.”

Rey’s eyes widened at his words, and she looked so confused, but he didn’t know how to explain. Not with words. He lifted his head and captured her lips once more. Han Solo had given him strict instructions on how to leave the Je’daii Temple. He was eager to escape this place. “Night has fallen on Tython. We need to return to the Falcon and get some rest. Tomorrow we’ll head to the rendezvous point. We have our answer. I know how to save my mother.”

*******

He was exhausted, and so was she, but that didn’t prevent him from _needing_ her. The desperation he’d felt the moment his father left him was as strong as ever. Han’s words were seared on his flesh like fresh scars, and the agony was unbearable. Only the pleasure of her body could distract him from his pain. Rey was all that was keeping him sane.

The bunk in crew quarters was small, but extended out just enough for him to cover her body. Ben was kissing her lips as if it would be for the last time. His hands refused to remain still as they glided down naked flesh, eager to excite her till she was as needy as he was. He broke their kiss with a moan and he was looking down at her. Sweat glistened and her cheeks were flushed. Curls clung to her skin, while the rest of her hair just seemed to fan out on the pillow. She was so beautiful. He didn’t understand much about his father, but he knew he gave Rey the same look his father used to give Leia Organa. He could only hope _their_ story would end differently.

“Through our bond we learn a lot about each other, don’t we?” he questioned.

Rey’s eyes were dark, her body squirming under his in desire. “Of course,” she responded, breathlessly.

He shifted his hips, dragging his member against her entrance, teasing her and rubbing against her clit. The sensation put her into overdrive, and her hands dropped down to his ass when she bucked underneath him. Ben dropped his head down and closed his eyes, even as he reached down to grip the base of his cock. He could feel the head pressing against her entrance, her legs widening impossibly to accommodate him. Her outer lips against the tip of his penis… _Force_ , it was torturous, but he didn’t move. He didn’t enter her. “Rey… we’re so much more than flesh and blood. You are… luminous. I feel you, how your body begs for me. You want me inside you.”

“Yes,” she moaned, her lips wetly graze his ear, and he shivered.

“T-t-that’s how I feel about the bond,” he finally told her. “You want me inside you, and I desperately want you inside _me_.” He buried himself deep inside her with those words, and Rey shouted in surprise. Nails dug into his ass as she continued to pull him down till he was sheathed in her fully. Ben focused on their bond, opening up his mind to her as never before. Rey is free to explore him, every dark corner, and every sad memory. He began to move, but so did she.

Ben groaned at the feel of her body and mind. She was so warm and inviting with each stroke of his hips, so serene and calming as she touched his thoughts. Rey could not bring him peace, but she did give him balance. “Ben,” she cried. “I… I didn’t know it could be like this.”

Her presence in his mind was completely overpowering him, and his energy was renewed. She exposed every secret, every desire, and it only made him grow _harder_ inside her. Ben wanted this so much. He wanted to submit to her. He wanted her to take her claim. He was thrusting faster, hand reaching to feel her breasts fill his palms, excite her physically the way her mind made him shudder. He ducked down to take a nipple into his mouth and suck, to kiss her skin, taste her, and it felt like madness. He’d never felt desire like this before.

Then she was _there_. He’d been waiting for this. The day they’d met. Kylo Ren had been nothing more than a dark ghost drifting over the dirt among the living. He hadn’t felt his heart beat until he met Rey. “Do you know what I felt when I saw you, Rey?” he asked against her shoulder. His motions were impossibly deep, burying himself inside her with so much strength Rey’s hands were forced to grip the headboard. “This _girl_ … so strange how the Force pulled me to you. My hands touched your face and even through the glove I felt burned! I didn’t take you because of the map. That was just an excuse, Rey.” He sucked hard on her neck and felt her snap her hips to meet his thrusts. “I took you because I sensed something… my destiny… my future… my love… _my wife_ ,” he growled just as Rey ripped open the memory from his mind. The sensation of her falling into his arms as if she belonged there. She screamed when she came, taking him with her. Buried so deep within each other that they truly became one.

When he finally opened his eyes, breathless and exhausted, he hesitated to meet her gaze. Ben was surprised to see her smiling. “That’s not how you pick a wife, Ben,” she teased, and he couldn’t help laughing softly against her.

He kissed her forehead with all the tenderness in his heart. “Thank you for loving me, Rey.”

Rey was staring back at him, holding on so tightly, even as he was practically suffocated her with his weight. “How could I not? You’re where I belong….”

*******

_Ben and Rey didn’t really share dreams that much anymore, and for once he is grateful. When he sees the face of his father this time, he actually smiles. He welcomes this last moment that he knows is coming. Despite all the hurt and pain left between them, that will always taint their relationship, he is grateful for proper goodbyes. He has to let go of his father, and Han Solo must return to the Force. What has happened is impossible, but he knows this is truly his father. He doesn’t wait for Han to come to him. He closes the distance instead._

_He only remembers a few times when he’s truly embraced his father. This will be his fondest memory, his favorite moment between them. Strange that it is only in death that they truly understand what it means to show affection. Han Solo holds him tight, one hand on the back of his head, and the other around his back. Neither seems willing or able to let go. Ben has to be the strong one. He closes his eyes and soaks in his father’s presence before finally pulling away._

_There are tears in his father’s eyes when they look at each other. He doesn’t let them fall, but Ben is comforted by their existence somehow. They’re back on the Falcon, and the ship is slowing down. When he looks up through the cockpit’s window he sees Tython, and he knows even though he must leave this planet, one day he will return. “I forgot to tell ya earlier… I’ve got a message from Anakin Skywalker… from both of us really.”_

_Ben is surprised to hear this, especially after Han’s confession earlier. Yet, he names him as Anakin and not Darth Vader. Perhaps his father simply understands the difference? “Tell me,” Ben encourages._

_“We’re proud of you… and Ben… you get out there and kick Snoke’s ass. Ya hear me? Make us proud and kick his ass.”_

_Ben’s smile is wide and all he can do is nod. “I will, father.”_

_“Tell Leia I love her,” he adds with a sadness in his eyes._

_“I’ll try,” is all he can promise. He’s not even sure she’ll want to see him. “I think I have to go now.”_

_“Yeah… me too.” His father nods awkwardly, straightening like a soldier. “May the Force be with you.” Those are his father’s last words to him as he fades. Now that his father is one with the Force, he finds them more comforting than ever before._

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments give me life... don't let me become a Force Ghost. :-)


	21. “I’ll Be The Stone That You Need Me To Be”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to believe we're getting so close to the end here, but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm weirdly eager to see this story finished.

**“You spend your nights looking at the stars  
Thinking your life would be better on Mars  
Checking your pulse just to feel it beat  
Looking for a stone to keep the peace  
Give me all your pain  
And love will set you free  
Give me all your shame  
Put all your weight on me  
And I'll be the stone that you need me to be” – Jaymes Young ‘Stone’**

She felt the weight of morning like a stone against her chest. It would take time to reach Luke and the others, but already it felt like she’d just experienced the longest dream of her life, and now she was finally waking up. She and Ben had been wrapped up in each other, building this bond until nothing else mattered outside the sanctuary of their minds. She didn’t recognize that girl from Jakku. Perhaps _she_ was just part of the dream Rey was waking up from. Lying naked in Ben’s arms was surely part of that dream too, though, because it felt like it was all fading away. Snoke was the reality, and he was waiting for them.

This fight would change them. Rey knew this like she knew oxygen made her lungs expand. There was no avoiding it. Their dire situation could not be ignored. One or both of them might not survive this war, but even if they did, they would never be the same. This reality left her cold, even as she basked in the warmth of Ben’s arms. Lips pressed against her forehead. Perhaps he’d sensed her dark thoughts, because he pulled her in tighter against him, his arms running up and down her body. They should get moving. It was time. She wasn’t ready, though. Just one more minute. One more second. _Not yet._

There was one way to delay this just a little while longer. Her hand drifted down the scars across his chest, tracing wounds, and drawing invisible hearts over each one. It was sickeningly romantic, but it kept her calm. “You called me your wife last night.”

He didn’t tense like she expected him to. He didn’t even pause. “I saw the progression the moment I found you, but it took a while to actually comprehend what I was seeing. I knew you were my destiny. I knew you were an important part of my future. The rest took time to decipher. I understood long before Kylo Ren did… if that makes any sense.”

“You came to me in dreams.”

“We came to each other. I was helplessly watching my life fall apart and you were there to carry the weight of that. I gave you my shame, because you were the only one that would listen. The only one that would _hear_ me. That’s when I knew everything. The last piece of the puzzle seemed to fit into place when the dreams started. I was alive again and I knew what love was… I knew who you were to me.”

His voice rumbled underneath her, and she tucked her head under his chin to feel his heart beating. It was slow and steady. His arousal was nestled against her knee, her leg draped across his upper thighs. She was tempted to touch him, but there was more that needed to be said first. “You called me your wife, but is that what you want? I felt like you were trying to ask me something.”

Ben sighed, pulling her even closer to him till her core was pressed into his hip, and she bit back a moan. She tightened her hold on him until her breasts were flattened into his side. The skin on skin contact gave her such relief somehow. “Seeing my father for the last time just made me realize what it means to be alive. My father didn’t think very much of himself, but he wanted his death to mean something. He wanted to die for the people he loved… for his wife and his son. I thought him so selfish, but I don’t think the Force chose to bring him back for me. I think the Force brought him back because of his sacrifice, like the way my grandfather died for Uncle Luke. I don’t know what will happen when we fight Snoke, Rey, but I do know if I were to die… there’d only be one thing that matters to me. I want my death to mean something, to be _for_ someone.”

Rey frowned, closing her eyes as she kissed where his heart was beating. She knew what he was struggling to say, could feel it through their bond. However this was something that would need to be spoken. “You want me to be your family?”

“You already are. I just want it to be official. I want to be a nephew, a son, **and** a husband when I face death. I want those words on my tombstone. They called me ‘Jedi Killer’… Master of the Knights of Ren. Those words are empty. That’s not who I am. It’s not the legacy I want to leave behind. I want to be known as the man that died for his family, Rey. I want to be like my grandfather, but more than that, I want to be like my _father_.”

Rey’s eyes shined through the tears blurring her vision, and she knew Han would be so proud to hear those words. “We haven’t had much time to think this through… to adjust to the implications of what we’ve done and what we’re doing,” she warned.

“I made a terrible decision for all the right reasons when I first joined Snoke. He was forever sinking his claws into my mind, so I made a choice to follow my grandfather’s path… down to the bitter end.” He paused for a moment, looking so pensive as he stared into the shadows. “The reverse must be possible… to make the _right_ choice for all the wrong reasons. I know I’m a fool for even asking, Rey, but you’ve been in my dreams long before we met. I’m just trying to catch up with what fate knew all along.”

Rey’s mind drifted to Jakku and all the lonely nights waiting for a fantasy. So many years dedicated to false hopes. Now her nights were spent in the arms of her reality. Was it really such a crazy thing what he was asking? “It’s been such a short time since this began, Ben… since _we_ began.” She lifted her head to look down at him, seeing the trepidation in his eyes. “Yet we’ve already faced more hardship than any relationship I have ever known, and we understand each other more intimately than lovers that have been together for _decades_.” Finally she smiled, though she knew her feelings were bittersweet. “I spent my entire life on Jakku waiting for a family that never came. How could I reject the man willing to give me everything I’ve been waiting for?”

Ben’s relieved grin filled her vision, and he was quick to pull her down for a long and passionate kiss. Rey moaned against his mouth, shifting her weight over him. One more minute. One more second. She pressed her core against his arousal and gasped against him as he slipped between her outer lips. Her legs eagerly opened to take him in properly, joining them together one last time. He entered her in one motion, and she immediately rocked her hips. Their love-making was slow and gentle, his hands cupping her cheeks as he softened their kiss.

This was about time. They drew out sensation with no concern for their sanity. Rey opened up her mind to Ben just as readily as her body. He swallowed up her fears as they blended with his own. The sting of being abandoned by her family was replaced with the relief of knowing she had a new one eager to accept her. Her muscles ached and quivered as she moved over him, rocking him inside her, and lifting away. His hands gripped her hips and helped her along. His lips never left hers.

One more minute. One more second. _Not yet._ They had time for this. The galaxy could give them just one last moment of peace. Rey would take whatever she could get. She felt one hand move along the curve of her ass, her hips, her stomach, reaching down between them to feel where they were joined. Ben moaned against her lips, pulling her away till she was empty of him.

Together they shifted on the small bunk, side by side, and he ducked down to kiss between her breasts. Fingers slipped inside her as he continued the same rhythm as before. He’d been too close to the edge, and he was stealing moments just as she was. Rey’s jaw hung open and her head fell back as he kept a brutal pace. She could hear herself whimper in the quiet room, breathless sighs, and occasionally his name. 

His thumb pressed against her clit and massaged it, her hands clinging to his shoulders. He tilted his head up and sucked hard on her right nipple, and her body stilled. Fingers were replaced by his cock once more. Her leg swung around his hip, and he tilted her body back to improve the angle. This time his strokes were more urgent. She’d barely come down from orgasm, and he was already pounding into her hard enough to give rise to a second. 

“Rey, I know you’re afraid of what’s coming. We both are.” He was so impossibly deep. So unrelenting. She didn’t understand how he could manage words. “Whatever happens… don’t ever forget this. Please… don’t ever forget me. Never let this feeling die.”

“Never,” she promised as she felt pleasure consume her once more. She was transported and floating, and he along with her. Her release felt infinite, and for a moment time had crumbled to nothing. Time had lost all meaning. One more minute. One more second. Rey felt Ben fill her with his release, and he cried out her name. _Now._

*******

Leaving Tython was a lot easier than she’d expected. It was almost as if the Core were opening to create a path for the Falcon, refusing to get in the way of their mission. It would take time to reach the new coordinates Ben had given her. Snoke’s species came from the Unknown Regions, but wars had driven his race to Tython, his planet of birth. He’d been building bases since Ben’s birth, and while they’d been celebrating the destruction of the first Starkiller base, Snoke had been preparing to perfect the others. He’d always anticipated this. He’d always had a plan for every eventuality. What he hadn’t counted on was Kylo Ren betraying him… because he hadn’t counted on _her_.

The Falcon was still in lightspeed, but they’d made contact with Luke to get an update on his progress the moment they drew closer to the Unknown Regions. He’d assured them there was plenty to report since they’d parted ways, both on a mission of great importance. It would take less than a day for them to reach the rendezvous now, and Rey was struggling with the fearful anticipation swirling inside her. She wanted to reunite with the Resistance and with Luke, but she wasn’t looking forward to the battle against Snoke’s armies.

**“With Leia out of commission, Gial Ackbar is leading the armada that’s been assembled. It’s not an impressive army. Most of the Generals in the Resistance don’t trust your intel. They believe you’re leading us into a trap. Honestly, I was surprised Ackbar agreed to lead this mission, but he told me he’s been in the First Order’s clutches before. It was Leia that oversaw his rescue. He seems determined to return the favor. Volunteers were selected for your team. We’ve got at least a hundred under Commander Finn ready to give you cover for infiltrating Snoke’s fortress on Starkiller II.”**

“ _Commander_ Finn?!” It seemed Rey was not the only one to have been busy, however this news felt especially surprising. It was certainly true that Finn had gone up against the First Order before, but that was with the aim of saving _her_. She never would have believed Finn capable of actually joining the Resistance once he’d told her why he wanted to run.

**“Ah yes, we spoke rather extensively as I was making my case to the other Resistance leaders. When he learned you were planning to go up against Snoke he’d readily volunteered, but Ben, you should know… I’m not entirely certain he won’t try to shoot you at some point.”**

Rey frowned, lifting her gaze to Ben who seemed more amused than upset by Luke’s warning. “His aggression would not be unwarranted, I’m afraid. I almost killed him the last time we met. How should I proceed, Uncle?”

“I need to see him. The moment we join with the fleet. Perhaps I can help convince him that he should trust you,” Rey offered, suddenly feeling nervous. She hadn’t a clue how she would explain Ben’s transformation or her attachment to him, but she had to try. He was the first real friend she’d ever had. She just hoped their friendship could endure her connection to Ben Solo. If their positions were reversed, she’d probably feel so betrayed. 

**“Feel free to send a fruit basket when you wave the white flag. No one is happy about this, Ben. Many fear General Organa is already dead, and only the few left over from the Rebellion truly trust my judgement. If not for the proof Poe Dameron supplied that there really are more bases, I wouldn’t even have the armada Ackbar is leading.”**

Ben was quiet for a long time, and Rey could feel his frustration through the bond. There was a crushing loneliness just under the surface, a longing for the loyalty his mother had always inspired in others; even when her family history had been exposed to the galaxy. At least with the First Order he’d trusted his men, fought with them, relied on them. There was an understanding. Rey had realized how much it had meant to him, being able to lead a team, to have earned respect from others. Snoke had given him that, and he’d been grateful for it. Now he would be fighting against the very organization he’d relied on, and she sensed his conflict. He had no desire to kill anyone but Snoke… and perhaps General Hux.

Perhaps these feelings would have surprised her a week ago, but the bond between them had reached levels of strength that felt impossible to imagine. She could enter his mind with the ease of opening and closing a door. Nothing was hidden from her, and nothing was hidden from him. “Ben,” she pressed, hoping he would give voice to what he was thinking, the idea floating inside his mind.

“Uncle Luke, tell Admiral Ackbar I wish to address the ground squadrons personally, and I want my words shared with the rest of the armada. Their putting their lives on the line for my mother. I doubt I will inspire much confidence with my words, but I have to try.”

**“Are you sure, Ben? You could make things worse,”** Luke warned. Rey knew he was right, but she would help him find the words. She would stand beside him.

“I’m not sure of anything,” Ben admitted. “However, Rey seems to think it’s a good idea, and she’s sure enough for the both of us.”

**“Okay, I’ll talk to Ackbar. I’m relieved you found what you were looking for. See you both soon.”**

“Wait! Luke… one more thing,” said Rey over the comms, hoping Luke hadn’t shut off the transmission just yet.

**“Yes, Rey?”**

“I was hoping… well, actually, Ben and I were hoping you could do one other thing for us before we assemble for this fight. It would have to be quick, so you’d need to make preparations now while we’re still in transit.” Rey reached over to take Ben’s hand, though Luke could see none of the affection she was pouring into her bondmate. “Before we go into battle, Ben and I would like to be officially married. We realize it’s quite soon, but we’re about to wage a war, and we want to face Snoke as husband and wife.”

This time it was Luke taking his time to respond, but she didn’t have the luxury of being able to read _his_ mind. She feared Ben’s uncle would think them foolish, and perhaps they were. She was so young, and Ben’s connection to the First Order would always hover like a shadow. Still, she knew her mind, and she knew what she wanted. Ben wasn’t the only one who was facing death, and she desired this public attachment just as much as he did. She didn’t want to fade away without knowing there would be family left over to remember her.

**“I’ll make the arrangements. As a Jedi Master, I am ordained… I will marry you both myself.”**

Ben’s eyes widen in surprise, rendered speechless by his uncle’s words. Luke hadn’t even questioned their decision. Rey couldn’t believe her own ears, almost certain the comms weren’t working properly. “Really?! You… you’re willing?” Rey probed, and she hated how utterly astonished she sounded. 

**“Believe it or not… but I was young once. Besides, with what you two are about to face together, perhaps a legal attachment isn’t such a bad idea. You are already bonded. Who am I to stand in the way of destiny? I tried that once. It did not end well.”**

“Thank you, Uncle,” Ben responded, his voice incredibly fragile. She knew how much his uncle’s support meant to him.

**“No need for that. Just get here soon. I’ll handle the rest. Skywalker out.”**

*******

Ben had half expected to be shot out of the sky when they finally reached the armada, and Rey knew it was because part of him still distrusted the Resistance. Even while aligned with Snoke he’d never desired to destroy his mother or the freedom fighters, but he’d also been under no delusions that they wouldn’t happily see _him_ executed. She could feel his nerves wash over her and feed into her own, and for a moment she considered closing their connection for a little while, if only to loosen the knots tying together in her gut. “Ben, it’s going to be alright,” she assured him with a sigh.

“You don’t even fully believe that,” he argued, watching her fly towards Ackbar’s ship. They were still waiting for confirmation that they could dock in the hanger. Luke had made it clear that they’d need to be debriefed thoroughly by Ackbar himself, before they carried out this mission. Even with all the intel and Luke’s assurances, Ackbar wasn’t taking any chances. “It’s not just me I’m worried about, Rey. My mother may have shown you kindness, but you were never a member of the Resistance. They don’t know you. All they’ll see is your attachment to me. They’ll condemn you for it.” He was turning to face her now fully. Rey tried to focus on flying, but there wasn’t much to do without confirmation. “Are you sure you’re ready for that?”

Rey rolled her eyes, sensing something beneath the surface, a mixture of insecurity and jealousy left over from Kylo Ren’s darkness. “What are you implying, Ben?”

“I’m not implying anything! I just don’t want you to walk in there thinking my reputation won’t impact you! I know you care for Finn. I won’t deny that I… was a bit possessive in my reaction to the man. It was very personal when we fought each other. He was touching you, holding you, and I didn’t want to kill him… I wanted to _break_ him.” Ben huffed and shook his head. “Even now, I won’t deny he feels more like a rival to me. He holds a special place with you. He came back for you after **I** kidnapped you!”

“He’s my friend, Ben!” Insecurity continued to grow inside him, whispering wild theories even as he clearly saw through them. One look inside her mind would show Ben exactly what Finn was to her, what he meant to her, but instead he allowed negative thoughts to grow like a cancer in his mind. “You can’t do this to yourself! You can’t allow yourself to think anything but the truth!” she hissed.

Ben shook his head and stood, pacing behind her. “It doesn’t matter what the truth is right now. You’ll be the one talking to him about me, and I know what he’s going to say.”

“You know nothing about Finn!”

“He was a _Stormtrooper_ , Rey! I _felt_ the moment he made his choice! I was _there_ when he left the First Order! I was standing on Jakku and I looked right at him! I knew and I did nothing!”

Rey frowned. She’d been following his thoughts before, but he’d taken a turn she hadn’t anticipated. He seemed to be implying he let Finn go. “You knew he was going to try and escape the First Order? He stole one of your prisoners.”

Ben shook his head. “I didn’t anticipate that he’d be brave enough to attempt stealing a ship. Captain Phasma seemed aware that he was questioning orders, and I saw no need to push the issue, however… I… part of me _admired_ his audacity. A lowly Stormtrooper, but he was so much stronger than I have ever been. I wouldn’t even be here if not for my accident, Rey! I was dragged into the light kicking and screaming. I… I will never be the man he is.”

She knew how much it took for him to say those words, and suddenly his jealousy made so much more sense. On some primal level he did fear her friendship with Finn, but it was in comparing their worth that he felt humbled. What he didn’t seem to understand was she admired Ben all the more for these feelings. Her smile was gentle as she reached out to take his hand. “You can’t compare yourself to him, Ben. Measure your worth according to your deeds, not the decisions of others. Master Luke would tell you that you must walk your own path.”

He snorted at her words, shaking his head. Eventually, he pulled his hand from hers and sat back down. When she glanced up at him he was staring out the window with wide, curious eyes. “Am I wrong to still feel this conflict inside me though? Is it wrong to be aware of the truth, but still reject it?”

Perhaps, but could she really judge him for his feelings? Rey knew if the positions were reversed she’d feel the same possessive emotions currently overwhelming him. It wasn’t that Ben doubted her devotion to him, but life had taught him a hard lesson, and then twisted that lesson into something especially ugly. He was used to being cast aside for something better. It was his habit to compare himself to others. Ben had watched young pilots bond with his father the way he never could. He’d endured Snoke’s constant frustration as he compared Kylo Ren’s failures to Darth Vader’s successes.

Rey exhaled sharply as they finally received their confirmation and she maneuvered the Falcon towards the large hanger bay of Ackbar’s ship. The silence consumed the small cockpit of the Falcon. Secrets were impossible between them now. Sometimes she saw things not even Ben could fully comprehend, and she found herself wondering what _he_ saw in her opened mind. Rey set the Falcon down gently, and cut the engine. The ramp not far outside the cockpit lowered, and puffs of coolant filled the underbelly of the ship, and faded away into nothing. Rey turned her attention to Ben. He was staring back at her with those incredibly expressive eyes. She realized in those brief moments that she would know his thoughts even _without_ the bond. “I will never compare you to any other man. That’s all I can promise you.”

She felt a warmth flood through their connection almost immediately, a deep affection as his heart softened. She took great pleasure in knowing she could do that, soften him so completely. “I just don’t ever want you to look at me… and wish I was someone else,” he confessed.

“Destiny may have bonded us together, Ben… but it was I who approved of it’s choice.”

Rey barely had time to react as he yanked her from the pilots chair and was surrounded by the heat of his body. They stood in the middle of the cockpit when his lips crashed against hers. She didn’t resist him. She didn’t even think. She never considered the fact that she’d lowered the ramp, or that others might be wondering why they hadn’t actually bothered to exit the ship. All these thoughts were tucked just outside of the sensual cloud occupied with Ben’s mouth. So when she heard the subtle cough of another person, Rey immediately shoved Ben away and blushed.

Master Luke was smiling, _Commander_ Finn’s eyes were burning holes into Ben, and Gial Ackbar… well, he was mostly just staring. “Time is short. We should probably save _that_ for after the wedding.”

“Wedding?!” questioned Finn with wide eyes as he turned to Luke. “What wedding?!”

Ben immediately stiffened, muscles primed and ready for an attack, despite the fact that Ackbar had promised no harm would come to him. Rey swallowed audibly as Finn turned back to her, waiting for an explanation. “Ben and I are ready for that debriefing now….”

Ackbar’s eyes blinked several times, his response turning Rey almost as red as the Mon Calamari. “Yes, we noticed.”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These reylo babies have endured so much, but now they have the entire Resistance to add on the pressure! I made Finn a Commander because he's awesome and he totally deserves his own command. Especially since after this point he's already been on missions for the Resistance, and Leia likes to support her favorites. Also, it's actually canon that Ackbar was kidnapped by the FO and it was with Leia's support that he was saved. So that's why he's the only one on board even though he too worries that "IT'S A TRAP!" Comments are the air I breathe. I'm always curious as to what you think of this story!


	22. “Boys Don’t Cry”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a bit of a warning, Ben's mental state continues to be a concern, just so you guys are aware. He is not magically healed....

**“I would break down at your feet  
And beg forgiveness  
Plead with you  
But I know that it's too late  
And now there's nothing I can do  
So I try to laugh about it  
Cover it all up with lies  
I try to laugh about it  
Hiding the tears in my eyes  
Because boys don't cry” – The Cure ‘Boys Don’t Cry’**

Leaving the familiarity of the Millennium Falcon felt like shedding off armor in front of his worst enemy. With each step Ben Solo took, he felt more vulnerable and exposed. He’d never thought of his father’s ship as a safe haven before, but walking through the corridors of _Home One_ felt almost as suffocating as being in Snoke’s presence. Resistance soldiers gave them a wide berth as they made their way to Ackbar’s conference room, but their eyes remained focused on _him_. 

With Snoke, it was the overwhelming power pressing against his _thoughts_ that kept Kylo Ren in check. Even at his strongest, he could not resist the will of his master. The cold presence would numb his thoughts, and sometimes he’d felt more like a machine or a tool than a man. He did not think for himself the way he ought to. His mind would become an unending cloud, thick and stifling. Rebellious thoughts had no place in Snoke’s company. He was to obey, to empty out his mind, and let Snoke in. The darkness would fill him up like water till he was grateful for the mask, because it had become a barrier. No one could see his eyes screaming as he strained for breath.

Now he walked among the Resistance, but his lungs were still struggling. There was no mask to hide his face, or protect him from the hate and venom in people’s eyes. Their judgement was crushing, forcing him to confront every wrong he ever committed in the name of his master. Rey’s presence in his mind warmed him from deep within, but his body felt numb and rigid. He wasn’t really sure what propelled him forward through the large vessel’s corridors, but with each step his symptoms were getting worse. He was still wearing his father’s clothes, and Ben wondered if they considered it disrespectful to Han Solo’s memory for the man’s killer to wear his victim’s garb. Rey’s thoughts skimmed against his own and assured him that his father would have been proud. Ben knew, but he tugged at his collar in discomfort anyway.

When they finally reached the briefing room he was greeted by others that had worked closely with his mother during the battle at Starkiller base. Everyone stood as they entered, and Ben felt his muscles tense tight enough to snap his bones in half. Only one or two faces were familiar to him, and Ben found himself leaning closer towards Rey and his uncle as if he were a child in need of protecting. Somehow the ugliness of war and facing the wrath of Snoke felt far less daunting than the judgmental eyes cutting into him from behind the large conference table.

“Good morning, Gentlemen,” greeted Ackbar. “You may take a seat over there… ahhh…” the Admiral paused, “what name should we use in addressing you?”

Ben Solo was the name given to him at birth; the name Rey most often used, the name his uncle insisted on. As he stared out at the officers of the Resistance, he realized it was not the name he would choose at this moment. Ben Solo was not strong enough for this. He was already wearing his father’s clothing. He didn’t dare use the name that brought dishonor to his family. A shift was happening inside him, he shivered as the chill spread deep into his bones, his mind a whirl of strong emotions he hadn’t felt in a very long time. “Kylo Ren.”

Luke was staring at him now, his eyebrows wrinkled with worry. When he turned to meet Rey’s gaze she shook her head. His uncle said nothing as he took his seat at the table. The others broke away to follow and Ben was suddenly left alone at the door. His legs wouldn’t move as quickly as they ought. Drawing any closer was an agony he realized, only now, he may not be able to bear. He shouldn’t be here. These men were his enemies! What was he doing?! It didn’t matter that they stood along-side his mother. It didn’t matter that he was no longer loyal to the First Order. The Resistance could not be trusted. The Resistance only wanted him dead. They would use him up like Snoke, and watch him burn to ash in their resulting victory.

“Kylo Ren… take a seat,” one of the Admiral’s spoke, his voice rang in Ben’s ears like a sharp command. 

His chest grew tight as the eyes continued to stare into him. Enemies of the First Order. People he’d once fought against. High ranking officers that had defied everything Kylo stood for. They were sharks in the water, and he was nothing more than bleeding flesh for them to feast upon. Kylo had no choice. There was no escape. He was trapped. He was at their mercy. Kylo could do nothing but obey… obey _them_ as he’d obeyed Snoke. 

Kylo Ren forced himself into the chair at the head of the table, gripping the edges of his chair till his knuckles were white. The eyes continued to drill into his skin. Rey was only a few feet away, but it felt like miles separating them. The lights were too bright. The air too thick for his lungs. So many eyes aware of all his misdeeds. He should not have reached out to them. Not even to save his mother. 

“We know you sent Master Skywalker ahead to provide us with much needed intel on these new Starkiller bases, Kylo Ren. Your intel has been _confirmed_ by Commander Poe Dameron. We face an imminent danger that must be dealt with swiftly. However… there are some among us that find the source of this information troubling… given all the atrocities you’ve committed in the name of your master.” Ackbar’s voice remained neutral, giving nothing away.

Admiral Statura spoke up next, the only other person Ben actually recognized other than Poe Dameron, the _best_ pilot in the Resistance. “Are we truly supposed to believe you’ve left the First Order?!”

They’d called Snoke his _master_ , and it made his gut twist and recoil. _Master_. Never again. He ached to respond, to put them in their place, but the words would not come. His lips refused to move, and his jaw ached as he clenched his jaw. It felt as if a weight were pressing against his chest, and he could scarcely expand his lungs. This was a mistake. He shouldn’t have come. He closed his eyes, desperate for balance, reaching out for Rey through their bond. His mind whirled like a brutal storm, and he needed her calm. He needed her strength.

_“Ben… what’s happening?”_

_“I… I can’t, Rey. I can’t breathe!”_ His head was spinning when he opened his eyes once more. His gaze locked with Rey, and he could tell she was growing increasingly upset. 

“Does he speak?” muttered one of the commanders with a roll of his eyes. “Snoke cut that tongue of yours? That why you left?”

“Cypress! That’s enough!” snapped Ackbar.

Ben blinked, turning his head toward the Mon Calamari in surprise. “Ben came here to stop, Snoke! He wouldn’t even be here if General Organa hadn’t been taken. He hates Snoke more than any of you could possibly understand! That creature is a _monster_ whose been targeting Ben since birth!” Rey practically growled. 

Ben watched General Cypress shift his attention towards Rey. “I was under the impression he wished to be called _Kylo Ren_ … the name he chose for himself after he betrayed his family.” Cypress was an older man with fully gray hair, and eyes almost as dark as Ben’s. His stare was hardened and cold. So full of contempt. “The name he chose when he _aligned_ himself with that monster you speak of.” Cypress turned towards Ben, giving him the full force of his rage. “I lost my entire family when the first Starkiller base attacked the Hosnian system! I don’t care what torment you endured under Snoke’s thumb! Master Skywalker did well weaving his tale of your struggles, but that doesn’t change what you did!”

“He had nothing to do with that!” Rey argued. “Snoke gave that command and it was General Armitage Hux that followed his order. Ben never wanted any of that!”

“Who _are_ you?!” Cypress questioned venomously, turning back towards Rey.

“Enough!” shouted Statura this time. “This is getting us nowhere! General Cypress, you are well aware that Master Skywalker has taken on a student! The point of this briefing is to assess whether we can trust Kylo Ren when we make our stand against the First Order.”

“Ben?” His uncle called to him. He could see Skywalker’s concern, and he knew his silence was only making things worse. His voice had left him, but he implored for help with his eyes, begging his uncle to understand. “What’s wrong?”

Finally, Rey stood, moving over towards Ben and kneeling at his feet. He twisted his body as he followed her movements, his vision growing dim till he could barely make out her face. He’d never experienced anything like this. Kylo Ren was utterly useless. His mother was counting on him, and yet still he could not _speak_. Hands reached out towards his face and cupped his jaw, chasing away the chill that had overcome him. “Breathe… you just need to breathe,” she whispered. “Don’t focus on them. Focus on me. Talk to _me_.”

He could do that, couldn’t he? She was strong, his protector, and neither Snoke nor the Resistance could defeat their combined power. He would not submit to their will. He would not obey. His hands let go of the chair, shaking visibly as he latched on to her wrists. _“What’s wrong with me, Rey?”_

“Why does he remain silent?” Ackbar questioned, his voice softer than the others.

Rey turned her head to look at the Admiral. Ben’s eyes remained fixed on her face as he forced oxygen into his lungs. _Just breathe._ “Snoke has been using the force to invade Ben Solo’s mind since he was a child, Admiral. For a time I was held prisoner by Kylo Ren and we… developed a unique bond that’s grown stronger as time passes. I believe this bond has served as a protection against Snoke’s mental attacks. After Kylo killed his father he suffered a mental breakdown. He… he’s still recovering.”

“And this is the man you expect to defeat Snoke?” questioned Dameron. “Look, I’ve seen and _felt_ firsthand what Kylo Ren is capable of… but it’s obvious he’s no good to us like this.”

Breathing was becoming easier. He kept his eyes on Rey. Only Rey. “Only I know his weakness,” he whispered.

“What was that? What did he just say?” questioned Finn.

He’d spoken. Rey turned back towards him again and he felt more air entering his lungs. The room had stopped spinning. The hardened eyes of his enemies faded from sight, and he could finally breathe. “He’s ancient… so ancient.” There was no one but Rey. He was safe. She would be his armor. He was not defenseless. He would not submit to these Generals. He would conquer them. He was not _weak_. “He’s lived for eons and he knows everything you plan to do before you’ve done it. The Supreme Leader is _wise_ , but I know his secret.”

“What secret, Ben?” His uncle’s voice. It washed over Ben with unusual gentleness. Soft and quiet.

“He feeds to survive… to continue surviving. So much death. So many lives. He showed me how to do it, uncle. It’s how I almost defeated you. The life force of everyone in this room… I can sense it. I could take it… even now… if I wanted.” Kylo Ren or Ben Solo, he was both now, and neither. He was drifting into the vision his father had given him. “He hungers for power. My father tried to warn me, but I refused to listen. He was using me, building up my strength, and when I became too powerful… he would have fed on me just like the others.”

“It almost sounds as if… he’s some sort of vampire,” Poe Dameron spoke, his voice dripping with disbelief.

“Worse… much worse,” Ben insisted, finally turning to look at the eyes, to face them all. “A vampire is from stories… creatures that feed on blood. Snoke feeds on your soul. He retains their power, their knowledge… memories.” For a moment he shut his eyes as he felt the echo of children playing. His own mind pulled him back to the slave he’d drained of life during his last training session with Snoke. He could sense every life force in the room. Rey’s light was strongest, burning brighter than anything he had known. Luke… Finn… Dameron… the Generals… each with that flicker that he knew he could snuff out. Ben was not weak. He could kill them _all_. “So many dead… and now Snoke’s forgotten. He’s forgotten where he comes from. He’s forgotten who he is. I will remind him. Everything he’s stolen… I will take back.”

“So what? You plan to drain him before he drains you?” Finn questioned.

Ben shook his head. “I can’t. That power is something no one should possess. It changes people. It makes them hungry. No, there’s a better way. His secret is the key, and it’s locked away inside my mind. I know his _weakness_.”

For a moment there was silence. The tension thick with nerves, the eyes dimmed with a fear he’d not be aware of before. They feared him. His power. His knowledge of the Force. He was the shark in a school of fish. They could sense it, and now finally, so could he. Their fear gave Kylo strength, and inspired mercy in Ben. Not a mistake. He needed the Resistance. They were the only ones willing to fight. They were the only ones likely to win.

“Why? Why are you doing this?” The question came from Cypress, his eyes wide in horror, and Ben held his unwavering gaze.

“I’ve lived my entire life in _his_ shadow. Never again. He isn’t my _master_ anymore.”

Again the room grew quiet. No longer were the eyes on him. His lungs filled with air, and he felt Rey’s hands drop from his face, however she did not leave his side. Ben took comfort in her proximity. Her balance was stabilizing. The cloud was lifting, and he refused to let her go. Eventually, General Statura cleared his throat. “We wish to take a sort recess. We were hoping you might share any weaknesses we can exploit, Ben.”

_Ben._ It was strange to hear that name from others. “I will share all that I know in the hope that you will successfully destroy the other bases, but I must warn you, some of what I know may already be outdated. Snoke has known for some time now that I am no longer loyal… and you are right to be concerned. He awaits us. This attack will not be a surprise.”

“Understood,” Ackbar agreed, nodding towards the others as they rose up and gathered across the room.

His uncle immediately drew to his side, resting a hand to his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Ben. I don’t think I considered how difficult this might be for you.”

Ben shook his head. “I don’t understand what happened to me. All of the sudden it was as if my lungs refused to work properly. My head was spinning, and I felt numb.”

“It’s called an anxiety attack.” The voice came from behind him, and Ben stilled. Finn was walking towards the door. “I had one once… after Jakku… just before I became a _traitor_ ,” he added. Though the words were spoken coldly, Ben saw no anger in Finn’s eyes when he turned around. The ex-stormtrooper licked dry lips and sighed as the door opened to let him out. “Guess you’re a _traitor_ now too.”

*******

The rest of the briefing went a lot smoother than the beginning. Their questions were simple and specific to the mission. Ben tried his best to explain how he planned to subdue ground troops that would be protecting Snoke’s fortress. Finn had returned with a mug of hot tea, sharing his concerns for the men he would be leading into this battle, especially considering they were few in number compared to the First Order’s military. Their strategy had to be clever with such a devastating disadvantage.

Nothing could be left to chance. They considered standard tactics the First Order were likely to use, the names of high ranking officers they would need to eliminate to cause greater chaos, weaknesses in defense and armor, and blind spots only Finn could confirm. Ben knew they were just trying to be thorough, but it felt more like a court room than a mission briefing. They were judging his every utterance as if it were a list of his crimes. Everything he knew was just another red mark against him. He gave them everything. They took it in as if this gift were a box of poisonous serpents. His knowledge was extensive, though, and it didn’t stop him from unloading every weakness as if it were a burden he could no longer endure.

Rey remained by his side, having pulled her chair next to his. Harsh words from the Generals were often met with Rey’s sharp tongue. Not even Commander Finn was safe from her reproof, and he took great pleasure in her protective instincts. There was only one last thing to consider, the very foundation this plan was built upon. Ben’s plan was two-fold. He had yet to share the rest. Their focus was Snoke’s fortress on Starkiller II, but there were other bases, and the destruction of _one_ would not save them. What Ben was planning would be like nothing anyone had ever attempted. He licked dry lips and shifted his gaze to his uncle. This war would test them all… but perhaps no one quite as thoroughly as Luke Skywalker.

“Snoke will not keep my mother close. It will be easy for my uncle to find her. She is bait for a trap. We are nothing more than flies, and his wisdom has become a great weakness. He has learned from the mistakes of the Empire, but that only leaves him exposed to _new_ mistakes. He has many more bases. Some are almost complete. Taking Starkiller II is not the end… it is the beginning,” Ben explained.

“How the hell do you expect us to destroy the other bases? I thought this was just a rescue mission?” questioned Dameron.

Ben shook his head. “No… not a rescue mission. I didn’t just come here to destroy Snoke and save my mother. We too, must learn from the mistakes of the Rebellion.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small device no bigger than his finger, dropping it on the table in front of them all.

“What’s that?” Ackbar asked.

“An interface from the First Order.” Ben glanced back at his uncle, studying his reactions as he continued. “This one was damaged during my accident, but I am certain Rey can fix it. I had it with me when I came to Ahch-To. Snoke does not know. I was studying it while completing my training. I compartmentalized the memory to keep it from him. I buried it deep and revealed it to only one other person… or at least I tried to.” This time he looked at Rey, and cleared his throat as he saw the question in her gaze. “I… I have always believed it was my destiny to follow in my grandfather’s footsteps… to the very end.”

“What are you talking about, Ben?” Luke pressed, his voice was still quiet, but filled with a new sort of tension. As if only now he was understanding why his padawan had abandoned him.

Ben regretted this most of all. Telling his uncle the truth this way. “I submitted to Snoke to make it stop,” he whispered, his own voice wavering as it used to when he was a child. “He would not leave me, and it wasn’t until I learned that Darth Vader was my grandfather that I understood what I was meant to be. I became Kylo Ren to fulfill my destiny and stand at Snoke’s side. A master’s greatest adversary is the one standing by his side.”

“That night,” spoke Rey. “Kylo told me he wanted to train under Snoke so that he might eventually surpass him, but he feared he would never be strong enough. Snoke wasn’t like Palpatine. He’s far more powerful, and far stronger than anything we’ve ever known.”

He nodded in agreement. “The interface is the key. In the past, the Empire used command codes for everything, codes that rebels continued to steal in order to take control of ships and weapons. We used their own codes against them. Even in the destruction of the first Starkiller base, it was Captain Phasma’s codes that lowered the shield and allowed you to attack. It is a weakness, and Snoke learns quickly.”

“Are you saying that they no longer use command codes?” questioned Finn, narrowing his eyes in disbelief.

“It’s not quite that simple. Most systems are controlled by codes, but the computer that controls primary functions is different. It’s a prototype. As I said… Snoke is _wise_. He has been planning this for a very long time, watching us, slipping into our minds, and taking what he needs to conquer this galaxy. The computer now running each Starkiller base has organic functions. It is an artificial intelligence unlike any droid. It cannot be controlled by the Resistance. There is no command code to lower the shields. There is no command code to fire the weapon. There is only the Force.”

Luke’s hand rose to his mouth as realization dawned. His eyes were wide. The others simply stared, each growing pale. Dameron folded his arms, shaking his head. “Am I missing something? What are you saying? So a new type of artificial intelligence runs primary systems for the base? How is an interface going to help?”

“It will allow us access to the AI,” explained Luke. “Ben… what exactly are you planning?”

“Everything we do is a diversion,” Ben continued to explain. “In space. At Snoke’s fortress. Even my facing Snoke. Uncle Luke, you are the key to this entire plan. This interface is for you. While the rest of us fight a battle that may perhaps be impossible to win… you will use the Force to exert your will on Starkiller II. You will penetrate it’s mind like a virus and become it’s new master while Snoke is distracted. A simple Jedi mind-trick… a powerful ally in the Force. The interface will allow you access to the intelligence, but the Force will allow you access to it’s will. Use the weapon against them. Destroy the First Order… every single base… with a single thought. The artificial intelligence is weak-minded. It will submit to your will. Once everything is gone… start the countdown and destroy Starkiller II. There is a reason Snoke wanted you dead, a reason not even I truly understood at the time, Uncle Luke. He wasn’t just worried about the Jedi coming back. He was worried about destroying the only other mind strong enough to take what’s _his_. You are the First Order’s weakness. You are it’s greatest threat.”

There it was. He could see it in his uncle’s eyes. The fear. None of the men at this table could truly understand what Ben was asking of Master Skywalker. This was a test he had not faced since Darth Vader. The dark side would _call_ to him. It would come to him with a temptation beyond anything any other Jedi had ever known. Ultimate power at his fingertips. Everyone’s lives in his hands. “What you ask… I cannot do. I am a _Jedi_ , Ben! This plan… you’re asking me to access a power beyond anything I have felt before. All those lives… all that power… **I can’t**.”

Ben held his uncle’s gaze. “If you don’t… the galaxy is lost. I didn’t understand before, what you were trying to teach me all those years ago, but I get it now. I understand the prophecy, who it was meant for. We were foolish to think it applied to just one person. It is about all of us, uncle. There is only one way to bring balance to the Force. Sometimes we are the light that brings peace… but _our family_ … our family is also the darkness that brings death. We must _all_ find the balance… including _you_.”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought I wasn't gonna make Luke Skywalker the ultimate badass in this story... you were wrong. :-) Comments are a girl's best friend! Feel free to share!


	23. “I Don't Think You Understand At All”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SOOOOO sorry this chapter took so long to post. I have friends visiting and they've kept me pretty occupied, plus work has been really busy with the school year starting! I'll try to be good and post faster!

**“Hey! My fists are tight and I'm afraid  
'Cause I cannot, I cannot explain  
Your heart is like a hurricane  
But can't you see I'm so in pain  
Guess I'm not 'cause I don't talk  
And then you write me off again  
And I don't think you understand at all” – Rachel Platten ‘You Don’t Know My Heart’**

“This is reckless!” Rey had never seen Luke angry before, not like this. On Ahch-To, her master had been like still waters in a gentle rain. He absorbed everything, not quite unaffected, but more serene than anything else she had ever known. When he spoke of his past there was a sad disconnect, as if telling a story he had no part in. His eyes almost seemed empty, and she’d often wondered how he endured the sorrows. Only now did she see the darker side that he’d kept hidden through her training. Only now did she see the fear in his eyes… as if he didn’t trust himself. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me this was a part of your plan, Ben?” 

Ben did not waver. The anxiety and fear that had briefly overwhelmed him was long forgotten, as he held tight to his plans for Luke Skywalker. She could feel him actively draw strength from her presence, and in doing so, a calm shielded the broken parts of Ben Solo. Rey instinctually understood his needs, pouring her light and love into him to crowd out the fears collecting in the shadows. His mistrust of the Resistance was strong, and it shook him to the core. 

Rey’s own abilities with the Force allowed her to sense Luke’s fears immediately. There was a darkness awakening inside her master that neither had anticipated. Ben, much like herself, had only ever seen what Luke wanted them to see. Was he not the son of Darth Vader? His darkness surely touched Luke in dangerous ways, but Ben needed his uncle to be strong. Ben needed him to overcome his own fears. “Would you have agreed if I told you of my plans?”

“Of course not!”

“And that is why I tell you now,” said Ben. “Make no mistake, this is the burden of our family. The blood of Darth Vader runs through our veins, and we will never escape his sins! If Tython taught me anything… it’s that the light is just as insidious as the dark.” Rey didn’t miss how his eyes roved over the leaders of the Resistance, as if to make his point. He did not, nor could he ever, trust their cause. “No more running, uncle. No more hiding yourself away! You will face the dark side one last time, everything depends upon it!”

“No!” Luke shook his head, and Rey cringed as his seat scratched durasteel, and he jumped to his feet. “I came as your guide, as a support, to help save my sister… _not to play god_!”

Rey’s eyes widened. It was Tython’s test all over again, only this time it was Luke Skywalker forced to face this overwhelming truth. She had always admired her master’s strength and wisdom. His light was so similar to her own. All those years on Jakku. All that time on Ahch-To. Were they waiting? Or were they hiding? Even Ben had been desperate to get lost in the isolation of Tython. She touched Ben’s arm before he could continue arguing with his uncle. “Master Luke… where were you when Kylo Ren _killed_ Han Solo?”

_The pain_ , she could see it like never before, regrets he’d buried deep inside. No longer were his eyes emptied out. He was raw and full of fear. Luke Skywalker struggled with the dark just as strongly as Ben Solo. Why hadn’t she recognized that before? She’d been so blind to his faults, so reliant on his wisdom, but he couldn’t hide this weakness from her. They’d caught him off-guard, and he was no longer in his element. He’d been pulled back into a war so similar to the one that had changed him forever. Now his world was changing again, but he wasn’t quite so eager to face his fears a second time. Her master backed away. “That isn’t fair,” he croaked, bitterly.

“Where were you when Leia Organa was trying to bring back her son?” Rey questioned, standing up, holding his gaze. It had worked once before, and perhaps it would again. Ben seemed to understand, even as his head hung low and his eyes slipped closed in shame. “Where _were_ you?” Her voice was sharp and full of resentment, a resentment not even she had realized existed. Luke ran away while the galaxy fell into the darkness. He allowed guilt to cloud his judgement. His nephew suffered at the hands of a master manipulator, and he did _nothing_. He gave up. Luke Skywalker lost himself in books and theories about the Force while Ben Solo continued to scream inside the mind of Kylo Ren… scream until someone finally took notice.

Luke’s eyes drifted down towards Ben. “Forgive me… Ben,” his voice was a whisper of despair and grief that rivaled Ben’s own. Was it possible this man she looked up to was just as broken as his nephew? As General Organa? This family was lost. Perhaps it wasn’t just Ben Solo who needed saving. Skywalker turned towards Rey. “I failed them all.”

Rey’s gaze hardened. “You only failed them when you stopped trying.” The room was silent, filled with an unease as these men were made witnesses to Luke’s misery. “You once told me it was Anakin Skywalker that killed the Emperor… an act of compassion towards his son. He was not just a monster in a mask… he was a _father_. He was lost in darkness, but you gave him back his light. Only the balance can save this galaxy. We need you to stand with us, Luke.”

Ben reached for her hand, and she watched as he stood beside her. “I thought I would know the good from the bad, Uncle Luke… because that is what you taught me. That’s what all the Jedi are taught, but the Jedi were wrong. They were _so_ wrong. It’s not that simple. It never was.”

Luke Skywalker was a master in the Force, but even he could be made the student. His nod was hesitant, and she knew his heart was heavy. Rey sighed in relief and nodded back, squeezing Ben’s hand. She watched the Master Jedi take his seat once more, dropping into it like all his energy had been drained away. “I will do what I must.”

“We still need to study that interface and repair it. This whole plan hinges on a piece of technology we know nothing about… given to us from a former disciple of Snoke,” Poe pointed out, waving his hand towards the device. Rey’s eyes narrowed as he intentionally refused to meet her or Ben’s gaze.

“Maybe Rose should take a look at it. She’s familiar with First Order technology, and we’ll need a full scan to access the damage anyway,” offered Finn.

“I want Rey to supervise,” Ben insisted. She knew he didn’t trust the Resistance. They were not here as allies as far as he was concerned. He saw them simply as a means to an end, the enemy of his enemy. Rey understood his mistrust, but she’d never had any reason to doubt them. Despite their obvious issues in trusting Kylo Ren, she genuinely believed they were trying to do what was best for the galaxy. They were freedom fighters, much like the rebels who destroyed the Empire.

“Commander Finn, escort Master Luke’s student to Rose Tico’s work station. I want that interface thoroughly studied before any repairs are made. Once the scans are completed I’ll look them over and decide how to proceed.”

Finn nodded at Ackbar, and Rey frowned, noticing Finn was also avoiding her gaze. Was she to be ignored then? Everything they’d been through together, and he couldn’t even look into her eyes? It was Ben that had worried about how she would be treated now that she’d attached herself to him, and she’d prepared herself for that, but not from _Finn_.

“If my uncle is to use the interface, I will need time to prepare him.”

“You’re free to return to your ship with Master Skywalker, Kylo Ren,” said Ackbar. “We must all prepare for what is to come. Everyone ought to get some rest. Tomorrow we attack the First Order. Dismissed.”

*******

She felt his hand slip from her own, sliding down her palm towards the fingertips until inevitably his touch was gone. Ben’s eyes lingered on Rey as he was pulled from her side by his uncle. The physical separation ripped the breath from her lungs, forcing her to collect herself, and she wasn’t sure if the feelings overwhelming her were hers or his. One by one generals passed by her until she was left alone with Finn and Poe Dameron.

Poe walked around the large table towards Finn, whispering something in his ear, and she felt their eyes drift to her. Her gaze had lowered towards the tingling in her hand. It felt empty, as if her very skin missed Ben’s presence. She’d never felt like this before. Rey valued her independence, but her nerves were frayed, and Ben’s own anxieties were incredibly strong. He didn’t want to leave her, especially not with Finn, but he knew it was necessary. He was trying to be so strong, but she heard every buried fear whispering in the corners of his mind. Rey belonged by Ben’s side. When he breathed in, she breathed out. The bond between them was stronger than ever now, and it was getting harder and harder to separate from each other. Watching him leave felt like ripping away half her flesh, exposing her to the elements without protection.

Dameron’s hand patted Finn’s shoulder as if trying to reassure his friend and he walked past her with a polite nod. When Rey turned back to Finn he was looking down at the interface, hand touching the table, but not quite ready to pick up the device he’d offered to take to a technician. He was trying to build himself up enough to speak, but Rey didn’t have the time. “I am not your enemy.” The words came out with more venom than she’d intended.

“I never said you were!” His words were defensive, and it made her wonder. Perhaps he wasn’t saying it, but he was _thinking_ it. Until Finn, she’d never had a friend before. If not for Finn she might never have even left Jakku. Their shared struggle had brought them together, and their time away had torn them apart. He was different, but so was she. She felt the Force around them, as important as the oxygen she breathed, but he saw nothing. He lived a physical existence. The only reality he knew was the gun on his belt and his instincts. Master Luke and Ben had opened her world to see the energy around and inside that gun. They’d given her the chance to understand the difference between instincts and the whispers of the Force. “You’re different.”

“So are you, _Commander_ Finn.” Perhaps Ben’s own emotions were affecting her own, or perhaps she was feeling defensive herself, but either way this was not going well. Rey was on the verge of tears, and Ben Solo’s own anger at the situation was growing. He wanted to protect her from this, but she shut him out. This was between her and Finn, and she needed to see it through.

Finn still wouldn’t look at her as his other hand rested on his hip. The hand still resting on the table seemed to be following scratches in the durasteel, anything to occupy himself. “The Resistance is my home now. These people are trying to set things right,” he insisted. “I… I tried to walk away, to find you, but in the end… they needed my help. So I stayed.”

“We’re both just trying to do what we think is right. They took care of you after you were… injured-”

“You mean after Kylo Ren sliced up my back,” he spat. When he finally looked up at her she saw his anger, the way his bottom lip seemed to tremble in his rage. “You mean after I tried to protect you from him… after he _threw you_ into a tree! You mean after I almost _died_ while you were off sleeping with the enemy.”

“Ben Solo is _not_ the enemy!” His words were cruel, but not entirely unfounded. From his perspective nothing had changed. Ben Solo was a monster, and there were no masks he could take off to show Finn the truth. 

“Kylo Ren!” Finn snapped, and when he saw Rey flinch he took a breath and shook his head. “I don’t understand, Rey! I’m sorry! I wish I did! I wish I could just trust your judgement and we could move past this, but none of this makes any sense! He kidnapped you! He killed so many people! He killed his own father, and he attacked us both back on Starkiller! Kylo Ren! Am I going crazy?! Did I dream all that up?”

Rey felt like a child being scolded, and she didn’t appreciate it, but words failed her. “It’s… Finn it’s not that simple.”

“No, I guess it’s not. I woke up every day with an ugly scar going up my spine, and when I finally see you again you’re _defending him_.”

“You saw him! You _saw_ what happened when he walked into this room! He’s not the man that hurt you! Not anymore.”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER!” Finn shouted, and again he paused to gain back his control. His eyes were wide, biting his lip as if he was trying to hold back so much. He felt betrayed, and perhaps if their positions were reversed, she’d feel the same way. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does to me.” That was the difference. Finn didn’t care if Ben Solo had changed. He didn’t care what Ben had been through. There’d been a time when she’d felt the same way. It was their bond that forced her to face the truth. Once Rey knew, there was no turning back, no walking away. She’d watched Ben fall apart, and she’d been compelled to help put him back together again. Rey had no regrets. “I love him.”

Tears stained her face and she watched Finn’s eyes soften, though he made no move to reach for her. He made no move to comfort her. They stood far apart, as if a wall had been built between them, Rey could almost see it. “And this wedding?”

“The chances of us surviving Snoke…” Rey almost sobbed as the words left her. She needed to take a breath before she spoke again. “He wants his death to mean something if it comes to that. He wants me to have a family.”

Finn’s face might as well have been carved with stone. He gave nothing away. She resisted the urge to reach out using the force, to peer into his mind. She’d been on the receiving end of that, and she respected his privacy too much. Rey wiped away her tears, wrapping her arms around herself, and wishing those arms were Ben’s. “What drove him away from Snoke?” he finally asked, surprising her with the change of subject.

Rey thought back to the moment Ben splintered. His anguish when Kylo tore apart a dream. His horror as the monster he’d thought killed his father was revealed to be himself. She thought about all the guilt he still held onto even as his father told him to let it go. How could she explain all those defining moments to Finn? How could he ever understand what Ben Solo battled with every day? “Regret,” she finally answered.

“Regret? That’s it? He regrets killing his father?” Finn didn’t seem impressed.

“You should consider yourself lucky, Finn. You woke up to a scar down your back, but Ben woke up with a hole ripped through his chest.” Rey tried to swallow, but her mouth felt as dry as the sands on Jakku. She took a step towards the table and picked up the interface. “You once told me you made a choice when you left the First Order. You weren’t going to kill for _them_. Ben admires that about you, Finn. He admires your strength. He’s trying to make the same choice now. He’s _trying_ to be… more like you. I don’t care what he’s done. Everyone deserves a second chance… even _Kylo Ren_.”

Finn’s eyes flickered up to hers, his jaw went slack, and his hand lifted from the table. “We better get that interface to Rose. She doesn’t have much time to fix it.”

Rey nodded, following his movements as he walked past her and out into the hall. She paused to take a breath before following. She didn’t care what Finn thought. She was proud of what Ben was doing. She only hoped one day her friend would understand. As she followed him out into the hall she reached out towards Ben, reassuring him through the bond. She was okay… well, maybe not, but she was going to have to be. This wedding was happening whether Finn supported it or not.

*******

Rose Tico was a beautiful woman with a quick mind and nimble fingers. Rey was supposed to be going over the scans being uploaded to her work station, but instead she found her gaze drifting to the young woman who was busy working on the interface. Finn stood beside her with a warm smile that gave her the sense of intimacy between the two. Rose was rolling her eyes, but her smirk took any sting from the expression. It was all very subtle, and Rey felt like she was intruding on a private moment, but she couldn’t look away.

She’d never actually expected this. She’d been so wrapped up in her own life that she’d never considered Finn was with the Resistance, wrapped up in his. He’d moved on from their time together to make other friends, and maybe Rose was something more? The tension between them was astounding as he towered over her and crowded Tico’s personal space. He didn’t touch her, but his fingers twitched as if he wanted to. His eyes were darker as he watched her work, proud of this technician that he’d come to respect.

Rey’s lips curled into a smile, her thoughts drifting to Ben. Perhaps it wasn’t just the Resistance that kept Finn where he was. Perhaps he’d found belonging just as she had? Despite the issues between them, Rey felt relieved by what she saw. Despite his emotional fluctuations, Ben’s presence in her mind and heart made her feel safe in a way she’d never felt before. She wasn’t alone to watch her back, to protect herself. There was someone always watching, always concerned, ready to take her in his arms when she needed him. 

_“Are you okay?”_ Ben was using the bond. Rey closed her eyes for a moment as his presence nudged her mind cautiously.

_“He doesn’t understand. He may never understand.”_ She knew she wanted Finn to support her. Ben was her family, but Finn felt like family too. Their relationship was different, but it was one of the first she’d ever forged that felt meaningful. She’d even flirted with the idea of asking him to stand beside her during the quiet ceremony, but all hope of that happening was banished now. Perhaps she’d been foolish to even consider it in the first place.

_“You don’t deserve to be punished for my sins.”_ Rey hated the guilt that seeped between them through the bond. There was so much he felt responsible for, but this was different. Finn was angry at her. He was questioning her choice. The same man that had taken her hand, had gone after her when no one else cared… yet this proved to be too much. Worst yet, she knew if their positions were reverses, perhaps she would react exactly the same.

_“I would endure so much more if it kept me by your side,”_ she assured him fondly. Her eyes opened slowly and it was only then that she realized Finn was staring at her. Rey realized she was smiling and turned back towards her workstation to refocus on the scans. The water damage was severe, but looking at inventory, she was confident they had the replacement parts available to fix the interface. Rose was already well on her way to bringing it back online.

Her back stiffened as she felt Finn drift over to her, only halting when he was standing beside her. She risked a quick glance, but saw none of the coldness she’d felt in that briefing room when they’d argued. “Rey?” His voice was soft, almost vulnerable when he uttered her name.

“Yes?”

Finn turned his head to look at her, his eyes roving over her face. “Why him?” he finally asked.

Rey’s hands halted as she turned to look at Finn. He really wanted to know. He really wanted an answer. Was this the opportunity she’d been hoping for, or would he just reject her again? She knew she had to choose her words carefully. If he could be made to understand… if there was a chance he might actually listen, maybe there was hope for their friendship after all. _Why him?_ She’d asked herself that question so many times. Rey was just pleased she had an answer to give.

“I had a dream back on Ahch-To. Ben Solo was caught inside it with me, a shared dream. I could sense it was different. I felt him in my mind, and I was there in his. All I saw was Kylo Ren until Ben dropped to his knees and began to cry.” Rey’s eyebrows wrinkled, as if re-living the confusion she’d felt that night. “He asked me to kill him. He said he couldn’t take it anymore. His only request was that I stay afterwards… because he didn’t want to die alone.”

Finn’s eyes were wide as he held her gaze, as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. “I don’t understand,” he repeated. She knew he didn’t, but neither had she when all this had started. Understanding took time.

“When his father was standing on that bridge there were four voices wreaking havoc inside him. Han, Ben, Kylo, and Snoke. He told Han Solo he was being torn apart, but his father didn’t understand… couldn’t comprehend how powerful Snoke’s voice was in the end. Kylo couldn’t drown him out, and neither could Ben… neither could Han.” Rey turned fully to face Finn, licking dry lips as she continued. “Through my connection to Ben… it’s MY voice that overshadows Snoke. I was able to save him when no one else could.”

“And what? You feel obligated to stay with him? Rey, you deserve better than that.”

Rey sighed, wishing so badly for him to just _listen_ … to _see_ how happy she was with Ben. “He would agree with you,” she assured him. “He left.”

“He what?” Finn’s eyes shot up over her, as if concerned he’d done so just now.

“Finn,” Rey reached out for his hand, forcing him to look at her. “His guilt made him push me away while we were hiding on another planet… Tatooine. He left me and tried to destroy the bond. I could have been free. I could have walked away. I didn’t.”

“Why didn’t you?” Finn pushed, and she felt him pull away from her grip.

Rey tried to keep her voice steady even as he was backing away, still keeping his distance. “The fact that he let me go… don’t you see, Finn? It was proof that he’d changed! Kylo Ren kidnapped me, but Ben Solo let me go-”

“Rey, you’re fooling yourself!” Finn dismissed her. “He wasn’t stolen from his family, he _chose_ to leave. Snoke may have had some influence on him, but he sure as hell didn’t resist when he ordered those people in the village to die!”

“You only see what you want to see, Finn,” Rey bit back, so tired of fighting him. “You aren’t in his head… I am!”

“And how do we know he’s not twisting your thinking? This bond could be dangerous! He could be manipulating you!”

Rey’s fist slammed against the console as she took a step forward and narrowed her eyes at Finn. He stumbled back in the face of her irritation. “Don’t you dare! You’re better than this! I think I’m capable of knowing my own mind!”

Finn seemed to realize he’d crossed a line, and his right hand rose up to rub his face. “Look, I’m sorry. It’s just… you’re right. I can’t see what you can. I want to understand… or maybe I don’t. I don’t know anymore. I just…” Finn sighed in defeat, and shook his head. “I need to think.”

Rey closed her eyes once again, reaching out towards Ben as she felt him grow agitated once more by her conflict. She felt his anger mirror her own, but she tried to push all that away. She needed to be patient. “Take your time,” she responded coldly. “Maybe after tomorrow you’ll finally understand.” ‘ _If we make it back,_ ’ hung between them unsaid.

Rey turned back to the workstation and continued her work. It wasn’t until Finn left that she allowed herself to cry.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like it's only natural for Finn to feel confused by Rey's relationship with Ben Solo. Much of what she's learned about him happened through their bond, but Finn doesn't have that. A few months go by and suddenly Kylo Ren is Rey's future husband. So... no getting mad at Finn! He's trying to understand! He really is!


	24. “Keep This Up As Long As We’re Breathing”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reylo wedding with feels... so many feels!

**“My bride, my bride, there’s something holding us together  
With you, by my side, everything fits so much better, I remember  
When you told me that you loved me for the very first time  
With those tears in your eye, so beautiful, now you’re mine  
After the sunset disappears  
When there’s no one around and there’s nowhere but here  
O my love, let’s keep this up as long as we’re breathing” – Jenny & Tyler ‘As Long As Our Hearts Are Beating’**

The tunic he wore was originally made for a Resistance soldier. The fabric wasn’t particularly comfortable, but it’s design was practical, with a creative flair that could only have come from his mother’s sense of style. The dark brown dress shirt was finely pressed with small, decorative buttons going all the way down his front, and a collar curving slightly higher around the back of his neck. The buttons were bronze, and engraved with the Alderaan crest in remembrance of her beloved homeworld. The collar had a slight curve as it dipped down and disappeared in the front, so he didn’t feel like he was being choked. Two small pockets were stitched on both sides. His dress pants were tucked inside large brown boots that went up past his calves, and felt surprisingly flexible as he tested the stretch. 

Looking into the mirror, with his hair curling like layered waves to frame his face, and the faded scar across his eye… he truly felt like both Ben Solo and Kylo Ren. The clothes were a better fit than his father’s leftovers, though he didn’t exactly feel comfortable in Resistance attire either. He found himself staring into his own darkened eyes, almost wishing he could still wear his mask… if only to hide the anxiety that lingered in his irises. It wasn’t the wedding that would publically bind him to Rey that he feared, but the unknown future before him; a future that threatened everything he held dear.

His Uncle Luke stood behind him with a subtle smile hidden under his thick facial hair. Strange that he didn’t recall ever being blessed with such a look in his youth. Approval from his uncle had been impossible in the early days of his training… completely unattainable by the time he was ready to cut ties with his family. There’d been so much pressure on him growing up. He’d felt more like a piece of clay being poked and prodded into someone else’s image, than an actual person searching out for the form that suited him best. Rey was the only person who had ever seemed concerned with his own wants, often times she knew them even before he did. His uncle had softened significantly over the last few years, and Ben knew Rey probably had a lot to do with that. “You look dashing.”

Ben snorted his disbelief, feeling less like the lost Prince of Alderaan, and more like a smuggler’s son. More than likely he was neither and both, such a blend of two opposing forces that it was no wonder he’d never found peace until Rey. The hair and the clothes did little to hide the darkness in his heart, but Ben wasn’t all that eager to hide anyway. For the first time he was walking without a leash, and the freedom that brought him was addictive. Slowly he turned to face his uncle, tugging at the fringe of his tunic, towering over the other man as they stood face to face. “I need you to promise me something. Nothing has ever been more important.”

He watched his uncle shift from one foot to another, using the moment to contemplate what his request might be. “That depends on what you’re asking of me, Ben.”

“Nothing dubious, I assure you.” He knew he’d already pressed against Luke’s limits enough today. Pulling him back into war was almost unforgivable, especially when Ben was well aware his uncle still had nightmares about the Empire. “It’s about Rey.”

“What about her?” Luke pressed, surprisingly impatient.

Ben took a deep breath despite the belt clipped tight around him. He would have to choose his words carefully. Rey was occupied with her duties, temporarily giving him the privacy he desired to have this conversation. She was unaware of his intentions, and he’d like to keep it that way. Despite her emotional state, she seemed eager to move past any hurt Finn’s attitude had inflicted on her. Always so strong… even when she didn’t have to be. He loved that about her.

“Rey must not be brought before Master Snoke.”

The words hung between them, and he felt the tension stir as Luke folded his arms in the Jedi garments meant for a different time long gone. “You doubt my training?”

Leave it to his uncle to think Ben was questioning his methods… although perhaps he ought to have anticipated this. It wouldn’t be the first time they’d disagreed while interpreting the will of the Force. “While on Tython, Rey and I faced trials from the Force, trials of darkness and light. It did not occur to me how… sensitive Rey is to her darkness until I watched it overwhelm her and nearly destroy us both. Her light gives me strength through the bond, but it will not be enough against the darkness that resides in Snoke.”

It wasn’t an easy thing to admit to his uncle. Ben had so much confidence in Rey, relied on her constantly, but just as she protected him… so he knew he had to protect her. “You truly believe she would fall to the dark side?” Luke questioned.

Ben shook his head. “It’s not just that. I was _warned_ , Uncle!” he pressed on. Explaining the vision his father gave him would be the most difficult of all. “Snoke’s weakness was revealed to me in a vision which is safely locked away inside my mind. That vision came with a warning… a hor-horrifying warning. Rey must not be brought before Snoke. I must face him alone, Luke… just as you had to face Vader and the Emperor. I saw something… a memory that was not my own… my mother’s name whispered by Vader like a threat.”

Luke swallowed hard. “He threatened to turn my sister to the dark side.”

“It made you angry.”

His uncle’s eyes lowered, ashamed. “I feared for her. It was not an empty threat.”

No, surly not an empty threat. Ben was well aware of his mother’s fiery temper and passion. Her very nature would have drifted her towards the dark side. Ben knew his uncle understood now. The tension was easing between them. “Keep Rey distracted as I slip away. Whatever you have to do. She cannot follow me.”

“How, though?!” Ben was surprised by the sudden emotion in his uncle’s voice. For a moment he thought Luke was asking how he could keep Rey away, but then he realized what was really upsetting the Master Jedi. “How do you plan to defeat Snoke alone? In the end, even I had my father’s love to protect me, Ben! What will you have? You’ve been alone for so… long.” Luke’s voice was cracking as he reached out to touch Ben’s arm. There was so much regret laced in every word. “How will you survive this?”

“I won’t be alone,” Ben assured him with the faintest smile. “You forget, Uncle… I am of two minds even while I’m whole. I am Ben Solo and Kylo Ren. I don’t know what will happen when I face Snoke, but I do know that he will regret the day he tore me apart.” He hesitated for a moment, his eyes drifting down towards the hand gripping his bicep, briefly. “If… I don’t make it back… please look after Rey. Let her be your family. She deserves nothing less.”

He saw the tears in his uncle’s eyes as the Master Jedi lifted them up to meet Ben’s stare. They were wide as the full impact of his words sunk deep into his uncle’s mind and heart. He didn’t try to argue. He didn’t try to insist that Solo would survive this. Instead, he gave his nephew what he needed to hear most. “Ben… she already _is_ my family. That will _never_ change.” 

In one hour Ben Solo would be a married man, and would spend what could be his last night in the arms of his wife. Slowly, his anxieties softened and melted away as he realized he would die content, because even if he was taken away from Rey, she would never be alone again. It was the only thing that mattered to him now.

*******

His heart was beating in time with hers. She stood across the room, but he knew this fact even without the bond to confirm his belief. He ached to pull her close as he took in the beauty of her face, and the smile that filled him with an impossible hope. Each step she took was too slow and too fast. The simple white dress floated with a motion that reminded him of flying through the clouds, no doubt it was his mothers, adjusted for her frame. White lace hugged her curves and emphasized her bosom, leaving her back and shoulders exposed, while loose fabric fluttered freely at her hips and beyond. The pattern of lace was elegant as it curved into shapes and flowers, ending at the white ribbon tied around her waist. The room was quiet, with only the stars outside as decoration, and her smile keeping him anchored beside Luke. C-3PO and R2D2 were all the witnesses they could ever need. He was grateful for their presence. They’d been a part of his family for generations, after all.

When she finally reached him, his hand dropped to take hers, intertwining their fingers together just as tightly as their hearts. Words drifted around Ben, like whispers from the Force, white noise drowned out by her bright eyes. Everything inside him softened, and his lips curled into a boyish smile, staring down at his beloved bride. Oh… how he wanted to stay in this moment. This was nothing he deserved, but selfish as he was, he would take it anyway. Rey would be his wife, and he could hardly believe it.

In his youth he’d been forced to attend several extravagant weddings. He remembered white velvet bows, exotic flowers falling to the floor, hundreds of strange eyes eager to watch the spectacle, and lavish praise as the couple showcased their fortunes. Even as a boy, he’d remembered finding the whole thing distasteful. The only part of the ceremony that had mattered was the look in the young man’s eyes as he watched his love walk towards him. Ben wasn’t certain what Rey saw, but he knew what he felt… that this moment was the greatest achievement of his life. She _loved_ him. How had he managed that?

Luke was asking him about vows, and Ben faltered, unsure if he had the words perfect enough to give her. They’d chosen ahead of time, something that felt suitable, but now he worried if they truly expressed how he felt. He licked dry lips, and attempted to speak. “Rey…” he paused, interrupted as a door slid open. He turned to follow the sound, and watched Finn slip inside, with his face far more neutral than he would have expected. Ben could feel Rey’s heart swell as Finn walked over by C-3PO, trying so desperately to behave as if he were invisible. When he realized everyone’s eyes were on him, he tugged at his collar, looking flustered and uncomfortable. He’d come… he’d actually come, and Ben knew how much Finn’s support meant to Rey. Ben nodded to acknowledge the man, and Finn nodded back.

Luke cleared his throat. “Continue, Ben.”

Again he turned towards Rey, pleased to see her smile growing impossibly wide. She looked so damn precious, his chest actually tightened in response. “Rey, you are always with me… whether we are together or apart. You are always mine… just as I am yours. You are always beautiful… even as time passes. You are always my guide… in darkness and in the light. This bond forged of destiny… it lives for as long as our hearts beat together.”

He swallowed hard as he felt his eyes begin to fill with unshed tears. She was already crying, and he forced his gaze to remain fixed on her, even as he felt his cheeks redden with embarrassment. “Ben, you are always with me… whether we are close or far away. You always mine… just as I give myself to you. You are always precious… more than any treasure. You are always my family… and I would wait for you. This bond forged of destiny… it lives for as long as our hearts are beating… and beyond.”

He couldn’t breathe, could barely fathom what it meant to do such a thing. Luke was asking her a question, _the_ question, and he watched her respond with… “I do.” When it was his turn to speak, he felt his voice tremble as he repeated those same words. Before Luke could say anything more he was leaning down, desperate to capture her lips, and drink in the passion he felt through their bond. His uncle chuckle nearby.

“I guess… you may now kiss your bride….”

His palm pressed against her face to brush away a falling tear, resisting the urge to deepen the kiss, mindful of their audience. Eventually, he pulled away in time to hear a sniffle coming from near the door. While C-3PO expressed his congratulations, and R2D2 whistled excitedly… there stood FN-2187 quickly brushing away a single tear, though he looked almost disgusted with his own emotions. Rey squeezed Ben’s hand and fell into his chest, staring over at her friend fondly. He immediately wrapped an arm around her and held on tight. His bride… his precious bride… nothing else mattered but seeing her finally _happy_.

*******

He felt the weight of her in his arms as he carried her into the large bay where they would be spending their first night as husband and wife. Luke had arranged for a larger bed in the cargo hold, though Ben had yet to see it. His focus was on his bride, on the exposed flesh he ached to taste, and the sound of her laugh. This was nothing like the first time he’d held her in his arms. She’d been lighter in weight, completely unconscious, wearing nothing more than rags. He’d taken her away against her will, his mind so occupied with the strange feelings stirring in his gut as she fell into his arms.

This time she was truly his, not as his prisoner, but as his family. She was the other half of his soul. He held her close as she tugged at his neck and pulled him down for a sensual kiss. They broke apart as they entered the cargo hold. There was no light but the candles around their bed. The blankets were standard issue, nothing especially extraordinary, but he didn’t need much outside of the woman he was holding.

The candles Luke had set were white, making the bed glow, strategically placed to avoid any accidental fires if something were to be knocked down. They would automatically extinguish themselves in a few hours, but they set the mood well, and he was grateful to his uncle for arranging this for them. Though he’d never married, his uncle was truly a romantic soul. “Do you like it?” he asked Rey as he set her down, watching her face.

Rey’s eyes were wide, her lips curled in a faint smile, and her gaze roved briefly towards the bed before they snapped back to Ben. “It’s perfect,” she breathed. Her hands dropped to his chest, fiddling with the buttons for a moment to admire the crest. Eventually, admiration turned into action, and Ben’s buttons were being careful undone. He removed his belt, but allowed her to push the tunic off his broad shoulders. He loved how Rey’s eyes darkened when the tunic hit the ground overtop his belt. He yanked the undershirt up and over his head, while she unfastened his pants. Ben walked over towards the bed and sat down, with Rey following behind.

She stood still before him, and their eyes met. His wife… his bride, and how perfect she looked as she tugged at the fabric of her dress. Slowly it slipped down her body, revealing perky breasts, the smooth skin of her flat stomach, feminine curves at her hips, and those sexy long legs. He swallowed hard as he realized she’d been completely naked under the dress. His pants were loose, but his cock still strained against them. She was bare to his hungry eyes, and his thoughts filled with all the things he wanted to do to her.

Ben said nothing as she crouched down before him and gently removed each boot. Their eyes remained fixed on each other. He pushed his pants down past his hips, and Rey tugged them off, taking his underwear with them. Finally, Rey removed his socks and settled between his legs, hands resting on his thighs. “My bride,” he whispered in awe.

“My husband,” she responded, proudly. He could scarcely believe it possible that she would feel any pride at the idea of being bound to him, but there was no mistaking her feelings. This meant everything to her. They had each other, their family, somewhere to belong in this vast galaxy that had left them alone for so many years. Ben cupped her face and leaned down for a slow, reverential kiss. Her fingers began to dig into his thighs and desire sunk deep into their bones as the bond hummed with more life than ever before. They needed each other so badly.

Ben pulled away briefly as she stood, his lips pressing into the gentle swell of her stomach, hands sliding towards her hips. He pulled her closer, tasting her flesh, teeth occasionally grazing skin as her breathing faltered. She tasted sweet, as if she’d bathed in nectar, and his senses were lost in the smell of her arousal. His tongue drifted lower towards the apex between her opened thighs, and he felt her hands playing with his hair. She arched towards him as he crouched low and kissed her mound. It was too awkward for him to actually taste her properly, but his hand eagerly slipped between her thighs and his fingers caressed her folds.

Rey gasped as a finger entered her, rocking into his touch. He kissed a scar just under her stomach, barely noticeable, though he found himself wondering where it had come from. A second finger joined the first as he stretched her, making Rey shudder and grip his shoulders. “Let me get on the bed, Ben.”

It almost hurt him to remove his fingers from her, but he smiled as he sucked both digits clean. Rey looked damn near feral, watching him taste her. She shoved him back and he didn’t resist, sliding up the bed while she crawled over him. His eyes shifted down towards her breasts as they swayed so close to his face. The moment they were both on the bed he leaned up to capture a nipple into his mouth, while she settled her weight in his lap. His cock strained against her folds, already wet from her juices, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to take much more of this.

He sucked hard at her breast, and Rey groaned, instinctively burying her hands in his hair and pressing his face against her. The tip of his tongue teased her nipple until she quaked, and he brutally sucked at her flesh. He shifted to the other breast, moaning as she rocked against his member teasingly, and his hands roamed over her back… her butt… squeezing hard. “I need you inside me. Please….”

How could he deny her? Their need was far too great. They didn’t really have all night, did they? Soon the realities of war would be upon them, and rest would keep them alert for the battle. His mouth slipped from her breast as he shifted them. Soon it was her back pressed into the mattress. He was hovering over her with a sad sort of smile, and she mirrored his expression. “I wish…” the words dropped as he realized those thoughts would only ruin this moment. He wanted so much for her… for _them_. He wanted their future to be certain. He wanted to grow old with her, spend every single day telling her how much he loved her. He wanted to beg her forgiveness when he inevitably screwed up… instead of running away as his father used to.

His parents had screwed things up so badly while he was growing up. Ben would often swear it would be different if it were him. He would _never_ leave, or let pride get in the way of love. He would fight for every moment with his wife. Yet, here he was faced with the possibility that he might never prove himself… never prove he could do this better. Ben wanted to be Rey’s husband… and a father. He wanted to do things differently. He wouldn’t make the same foolish mistakes. He wouldn’t let his family drift away from him, until all that was left was regrets and a few happy memories that barely made any difference.

Rey’s hand cupped his cheek and he was pulled from his thoughts. Her eyes shined with tears, and he realized she’d followed his thoughts through the bond. “I wish,” she whispered to him, sharing his sentiment. She wanted everything he wanted and more. His eyes blurred as emotions overwhelmed him, and he pressed his forehead against hers. He felt something break, as if some last barrier he hadn’t even known about was coming apart. His eyes didn’t close in time to stop the tears that stained his cheeks. He gripped his arousal and entered her carefully, grunting as she squeezed around him and pulled him deeper. The moment he was fully sheathed, he wrapped his arms around her.

“I love you,” he almost sobbed, kissing her lips.

He felt her respond through their bond, a wave of her own love, like bathing in the warmth of the sun. Oh, how he loved her. How he ached for her. Her body. Her mind. Her soul. They were crying from pleasure and pain as he began to move, wanting so much more, but grateful for what they _did_ have. What they shared was beautiful and perfect… and so much more than he deserved.

He broke the kiss and pressed his lips into her forehead as his thrusts became deeper, and her legs wrapped around his hips. “I will always love you.”

Rey whimpered as nails dug into his back, cutting into his skin, and he welcomed her desperation. She urged him on, and their lovemaking grew rough. His pace was brutal. Ben tucked his head in her neck, teeth sinking into flesh as he impaled her with each thrust. She was so tight, so wet, arching into him. He knew they wouldn’t last long. Rey took everything he had to give her. “Yes,” she encouraged. “L-love you so much!”

He didn’t have the strength. ‘A sensitive boy,’ his mother had often called him. Ben knew she was right. He was weeping even as he licked the damage he’d inflicted on her neck. He was trembling as he felt her arch against him, meeting him halfway. Through the bond he could sense how full she felt, the burn as he stretched her, and she was so… _close_.

He buried himself inside her as if nothing else mattered in the universe. Ben cried out for her as her inner walls squeezed him, as Rey’s vision turned white, and she lost all control. She was screaming for him, holding on, riding out the waves of their passion. She pulled him in like an undertow, dragging him down into the depths of such intense pleasure, and he happily drowned in her.

The bedsheets were soiled with come, and the candles had long died out. Ben held Rey close with only the sound of their breathing filling his ears. Fresh tears slid down, but were kissed away by her warm lips. His bride. The love of his life. He would be hers for as long as his heart was beating… and beyond.

“Rey.”

“Yes, Ben?”

What could he possibly say? How could he soothed the fears that made this moment both a blessing and a curse? Nothing felt like enough. He kissed away her tears as she’d done for him and tightening his hold on her naked body. _Oh, how he wished._ Wished things could have been different. Rey was waiting patiently for him to speak, but there was nothing left to say. So he said the only other thing he could manage without breaking down. “Goodnight….”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised angst, and I'm not about to stop now, damn it! Please feel free to cry in the comments. Free hugs for everyone.


	25. “Come Home”

**“Right now there's a war between the vanities  
But all I see is you and me  
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known  
So come home” – One Republic ‘Come Home’**

 

_Screaming. Rey is cold as she runs, each puff of breath visible due to the chill. She is looking for something. Someone. Branches slap her face as she continues forward, chasing, fleeing… she’s not sure which. All she knows is she won’t stop, can’t stop. Desperate. Alone. All around her screaming. The sounds of death and war. Blood stains the trees and she stumbles over a dead Stormtrooper. Where is he? WHERE IS HE? “Ben! Ben!” her voice is already raw from shouting._

_Weapons fire flies past her, and she yelps as the burn grazes her skin. It’s not a direct hit, but it slows her down. She still won’t stop. Can’t stop. She barely feels any pain. The snow is deep, slowing her down as each step sinks a few inches down, and her leg muscles are starting to ache. Her face is numb from the wind, snowflakes clinging to her skin, and even her sweat as turned to ice. Her lungs strain, weary of being pushed beyond capacity, but adrenaline is giving her the boost she needs to keep going. A figure… close now, shrouded in darkness. She runs towards it at full speed. Eyes widen as the shadow sees her, familiar eyes, penetrating her from afar. “Rey?”_

_“Ben!” she cries, and instantly he’s upon her, grabbing her shoulders, his eyes growing wild as he notices the wound. She whimpers, but not from the burn. “Ben please!”_

_“No, no, no! You can’t follow me, Rey!”_

_“I won’t let you face him alone!” she yells, exhausted from the fighting, but determined not to be left behind._

_Ben cups her face and kisses her deeply, pouring everything he has into it… everything he is. All around them screaming, but it’s fading to a whisper as her senses hone solely on him. When he finally pulls back his eyes are wet with tears. “Luke needs you! You’ve got to find my mother! Stay here. I’ll come back for you.”_

_“Ben no!” She can’t let him go. She won’t let him go. This isn’t the plan. His hands drop from her face as he backs away. This isn’t right. They were supposed to do this together. “Please Ben, no!”_

_“I’ll come back, sweetheart. I promise.”_

_Ben ducks away into the shadows before she can register his direction. Disappearing into the forest, and she drops to her knees. Her body is protesting, unable to comply with any more of her demands. Her shoulder burns despite the wind freezing her skin. The screaming overwhelms her once more till she feels like she might go deaf. People are dying. “REY! REY!” Luke’s voice pierces the sounds of death and war. Ben is gone. Rey is left behind, left to wait. Always waiting._

_She clings to Ben’s promise and pulls out her saber. Her skin glows blue from the light, and she turns towards Luke’s voice. “I’m here! Right here! Where are you?”_

_She runs. Runs towards the madness. Towards the battle. People are dying and Ben is right. She knows what she has to do._

Rey gasped, sitting up in the bed, shivering from a chill that doesn’t exist in the warmth of her bed. Just a dream, a dream she’d had so many times before, always changing… only this time everything felt so real. She recognized the faces and voices unlike before when she’d been back on Jakku. Rey’s hand dragged along the sheets searching desperately for Ben, but the space was empty. “Ben?!”

“I’m here.”

His answer was spoken in the dark, but she could sense him nearby. Rey strained her eyes, impatiently waiting for them to adjust, until finally she saw a figure… an outline. Ben was sitting cross-legged and hunched over. He was clutching something in his hand. Rey whipped off the covers and crawled out of bed, walking over to him, but she stilled as light blinded her. The sound of a lightsaber being ignited filled her ears. The blade shined white, shimmering like fire, with two lateral vents at the hilt, where excess heat from the kyber crystal could be released safely. She recognized the design.

With the light from the saber, she could see Ben’s eyes when he turned to look up at her. They were dark, almost black, reflecting the light of his saber like a mirror. “I thought I’d lost it after my accident back on Ahch-To,” he whispered. “Luke had it. He had it the entire time. He purified the crystal. He left it here… as a wedding present.”

His voice sounded rough, and Rey could feel such strong emotions radiating from him and crashing against each other. Love and pain. Fear and determination. This blade was used to kill his father, but it would also be the blade that killed Snoke. Even the cursed saber would soon be redeemed. Rey crouched down just as Ben switched off the weapon, and the darkness returned. “Ben?” She wasn’t sure what to say. It would soon be morning, and they had to prepare for the battle against the First Order. She was so close, achingly close. “What do you need?”

For the briefest of moments she felt his uncertainty. Was he strong enough? Powerful enough? _Good_ enough? He feared for his mother… for Luke… for Rey. His nerves were frayed as Ben Solo… not quite the warrior that his reputation promised. He swallowed hard, fingers sliding over the weapon he was holding, gripping the durasteel hilt with trembling hands. “Hold me,” he requested. Just two words.

When her arms wrapped around him he immediately relaxed. His hands stopped shaking, and his breathing slowed. His heart was finally beating at a normal rhythm beneath her palm. Rey felt as if somehow she were holding him together. She worried if she let go, that he would fall apart.

*******

The Headquarters Frigate floated over them like a mother hen as they dropped out of lightspeed near the multiple bases orbiting one lone supergiant star. Canis Majoris was unstable, but massive enough that it could probably fuel a Starkiller base’s weapon twice over unlike most others. Each base hung in space, in various states of construction. Two were finished, others halfway, and barely any work had been done on the rest. To see so much power in one place was staggering. Rey found herself speechless in the face of the horrors those weapons would eventually inflict if they failed.

Ackbar’s fleet arrived in attack formations. Poe Dameron led the X-Wings, and she could hear his voice over the comms as he acknowledged his team was ready. Any minute the darkness of space would be lit up with weapons fire, while the Falcon breeched the shield of Snoke’s primary base. Luke Skywalker stood behind her, the interface tucked behind his ear, and she saw the blinking green glow signaling it was fully functional. She and Rose Tico had managed to make it work with the parts they had, though she worried it wouldn’t last long before it shorted out. Not everything they’d used had been completely compatible. Snoke’s technology was far beyond their own.

Ben had taken the pilot’s seat this time, and she didn’t mind co-piloting. Through the bond she felt him shutting down like a switch, but she was used to this now… the way Kylo would sink into Ben and keep him focused when he struggled. He was primed and ready, aglow with equal parts, dark and light from the Force. His hands didn’t tremble and his heart beat at a steady rhythm. No fear in his eyes, they were as hard as durasteel.

Poe’s squadron of X-Wings were meant to be a distraction. They along with the rest of the fleet were meant to engage and survive, but not truly inflict significant damage. Everything hinged on Ben, Rey, and Luke’s success down below in Snoke’s fortress. It was a lot of pressure, though everyone seemed to be handling it well. They had a job to do. People were counting on them. Finn and Luke had taken the other two chairs in the cockpit, staring out towards the weapon they were desperate to destroy. The cockpit was thick with tension, waiting for Snoke to reveal his plans for them.

“I can sense him.” Ben’s voice was soft, his eyes trained on the base where Snoke was hiding. “His presence.”

Luke, who sat behind him, reached forward and gripped Ben’s shoulder. “As can I. He knows why we’ve come. It won’t be long now.”

Rey could sense Snoke too, like a black hole swirling and drawing them in. He was waiting, making no efforts to telepathically attack Ben, or the bond that shielded his influence. “I still don’t sense General Organa.”

“She’s there,” Luke assured her. “I feel it.”

**“INCOMING! INCOMING! TIE FIGHTERS CLOSING IN ON OUR POSITION!”** Poe warned through the comms.

**“Take evasive action!”** ordered Ackbar.

“This is it! That’s our cue.” Ben announced, his hands suddenly flying over the controls before he gripped the yoke and flew forwards. “Luke, get ready to lower the shields. We only get one shot at this. I’m boosting the signal of your interface, but I’m worried we’ll fry it if you use it too long from this far away!”

Rey glanced back towards Luke as he began to sync the interface into communications. They’d had the Falcon repaired on _Home One_ , and installed a newer and stronger satellite. Her Master’s eyes fluttered closed the moment he was synced. She turned back towards Ben. “He’s in! I think it’s working!”

Finn groaned, gripping the back of her chair. “At least we’re not going in at lightspeed this time!”

Poe’s team laid down cover fire as the Falcon raced towards the main base at top speeds. He’d claimed to be a terrible pilot, but Rey marveled at how effortless he made it look, dodging enemy fire even as it rained down upon them. Ben was hyper focused, and taking no chances. Just a few more kilometers and they’d hit the shield. “Almost there… almost…” Ben informed them through gritted teeth. They were closing in fast. “NOW!”

Luke inhaled sharply from behind Ben. “SHIELDS ARE DOWN!”

Rey watched as the shimmering energy of Starkiller base disappeared just as they flew towards it, and sighed in relief as she realized they’d passed through unharmed. Ben didn’t slow down, trying to hold onto the element of surprise as he swooped over mountains and forest towards Snoke’s fortress. Sensors were bound to pick them up unless they kept low to the ground. They would already be on alert once they realized the shields were briefly disabled. “There’s a clearing at the edge of the forest! There!” Finn spotted.

“I see it,” Ben confirmed, flying towards it. He spun down to hover just above the clearing, and Rey swallowed hard as he lowered them down. The maneuver was quick and easy. She only hoped they hadn’t been spotted. She watched him duck down towards comms. “Chewie! Get everyone ready to deploy! We need to move fast! The longer we take, the more lives we put in danger!” Rey knew the X-wings had a difficult job ahead. Only the best pilots would be capable of surviving such overwhelming numbers. When the First Order destroyed the Republic, they took away a valuable resource, leaving the Resistance vulnerable and short on ships.

Ben lowered the boarding ramp, shut down the Falcon, and shot out of his chair before she could blink. She glanced back at Finn who was still trying to register the fact that they’d landed safely on Starkiller. “You heard him… we need to move.” Rey wasn’t sure how she’d managed to keep her voice steady. She’d never really been involved in a serious battle before. All her training would be put to the test, and she’d never been so nervous in her life.

Rey followed after Ben just as solders began to exit the hold. The ship was made for hauling _equipment_ … not people. She had no doubt it couldn’t have been a comfortable journey. Chewbacca was leading the men out into the clearing, and Rey struggled to squeeze into the crowds of soldiers, stumbling down the ramp when she failed to keep up with their pace. Ben was already waiting for her underneath the Falcon. “Nightfall is coming. It’s going to get cold.”

She was reminded of her dream as she looked around towards the forest. The trees loomed above them and provided visual cover, but they’d do very little in protecting these men from enemy fire once Stormtroopers breached the forest. These soldiers were also a distraction, some of Finn’s best men, but not everyone would make it out alive. More and more men were pouring out of the Falcon, and she honestly wasn’t sure how they’d managed to fit so many. Eventually, Finn joined them, and finally Master Luke. Chewbacca’s roar confirmed that the last of the men had exited the ship.

Before their mission had even begun, the squadrons had been told the part they would play. Fan out and provide a diversion that would allow Ben and his team to breach the fortress unnoticed. If they could draw out enough of Snoke’s men, it would be easier for Ben to get to Snoke. The fortress was well guarded, but only a select few would remain behind during an attack… the Praetorian guards. Ben had made it perfectly clear how dangerous they were, some of the best warriors he’d ever known. Rey wasn’t excited about going face to face with them.

Finn stepped forward, using hand movements rather than speak, hoping to hold onto the element of surprise for as long as they could. They’d use explosives to draw out the Stormtroopers, and keep the fighting in the forest where they could stay out of sight in case of air attacks. They’d parked the Falcon at the very edge of the forest, far enough away that it shouldn’t be discovered during the ensuing battle. Rey watched as each squadron gave a nod towards their Commander and rushed off. The last squadron was with them.

Ben walked towards Finn. “In less than an hour we’ll lose light. We have a lot of ground to cover.”

“My men and I are up for it,” Finn assured him, holding his weapon securely against his chest. It amazed Rey how strong he sounded, like a proper soldier, nothing like the gentle soul she remembered. She supposed she’d never actually witnessed Finn in action before. She’d never really watched him fight.

Ben smiled briefly at Finn before his face hardened once again. “Perfect… let’s move.”

*******

Snoke’s fortress loomed over the forest like something out of a medieval holonovel. It’s design was dark and jagged, and it seemed to rise up out of the ground like a mountainous rock formation. The setting sun was casting a shadow against the structure that towered over them, and made Rey shuddered from the chill. It was ugly and imposing, the perfect place for a creature such as Snoke. She’d never seen something so terrifying in her life.

**“Squadron six is in position.”**

Finn glanced over at Ben as they all heard the transmission through the comms. That was the last squadron in place. They’d made good timing. Ben was hunched over next to Rey, and she heard him swallow before he finally gave the nod. Finn’s wrist rose to his lips as he spoke into the personal comlink. “Light it up.”

Rey’s eyes roved over the base as one by one fire disrupted the quiet of Starkiller base II. Every single bomb was detonated together, enough to cause some serious damage and gain attention from the men inside. They’d be overrun by soldiers in seconds. The ground shook, but the fortress remained steady even as it’s foundation was engulfed by flames from the attack. It only seemed to highlight it’s strength and power. 

Stillness. Not even an alarm. Rey frowned. “Why aren’t they coming?”

She watched as Ben’s frown deepened. “Because they already knew… kriff!” Ben shot up, igniting his lightsaber just as a blaster flew towards their position. Rey screamed as she watched it halt just inches from Finn. Slowly he turned towards the bolt of blue light, a bead of sweat dripping down his brow, eyes wide, horrified as he realized how close he’d been to being blown away. Ben’s hand was pointed towards it, keeping it in place. “Finn… move,” he growled.

Rey reached out, gripping his jacket, and yanked him from where he’d been squatting. Finn was obviously still too stunned to comprehend what he was looking at. Ben Solo… Kylo Ren had just saved his life. Luke Skywalker switched on his own saber and scrambled to his feet. “They’re already in the forest! They were waiting for us to reveal ourselves!”

Ben released the bolt just as Finn was pulled from it’s path, and it continued it’s trajectory, crashing into the ground without harming anyone. Finn finally seemed to snap out of it, holding up his arm and activating his comlink. “ALL SQUADRONS BE ADVISED! IT’S A TRAP! ENEMY SOLDIERS IN THE FOREST!”

It was too late. All hell broke loose. Rey activated her lightsaber just as more enemy fire rained down upon their position. She could hear screaming on the comms as other squadrons fell under attack. The last sliver of daylight faded as the sun dropped below the horizon, plunging them all into darkness. She could almost hear Snoke’s laughter echo inside her skull.

*******

In the chaos she’d lost sight of Ben. She’d lost sight of everyone. It was so cold, just like her dream. Just like her _nightmare_. Rey spun around, alone, led by the light of her saber in the dark forest. She could hear the screams. Blasters flying all around from every side, and she could barely keep up the effort it took to deflect them. She’d _known_ this would happen. She’d felt it. So had Ben. Snoke wasn’t taking any chances. Of course he’d been waiting for them.

“Ben!” she screamed, trying to keep herself from panicking. Finn and Luke had been beside her moments ago. She couldn’t even see the glow of her Master’s saber. The forest was thick, tall trees looming high above, and she found herself running. Alone. Oh maker, no… she couldn’t be alone. She knew what Ben would do. She knew what he was planning. Her dream! She remembered it vividly, and she _knew_. No, no, no! She wasn’t going to let it become real. She couldn’t let her husband face his tormentor alone!

The cries from battle were getting louder. Orders being given. _‘Fall back! Take cover! Watch your six!’_ So many lives, and she felt them all disappearing one by one through the Force. This wasn’t a war. This was a massacre! She kept running, screaming for Ben, searching for him in the thick foliage. Anyone. She didn’t want to be alone. Rey’s blood ran cold as she stumbled over a dead Stormtrooper. That happened in her dream, didn’t it? 

Fueled by her fears, Rey shouted once more, watching her breath fade as she kept moving. Ignoring the chill. Her fingers were numb around the lightsaber, but somehow she managed to hold on, occasionally deflecting fire from the darkness, but she couldn’t deflect them all. She cried out as fire from a blaster skimmed her shoulder. Not a direct hit. That was in her dream too. Everything was happening just as she’d dreamed it! No! Not again! She couldn’t let this happen. “Ben! BEN!”

Just as she was struggling to breathe, she saw him, the figure in the dark. It was Ben and she knew it. He was so close, but she could barely keep up. He was focused on his mission, on his target. Kill Snoke. He couldn’t do it alone. She had to stop him. She had to reach him. She struggled through the snow. Ignoring the burn of her skin from ice, wind, and the damage from enemy fire. Nothing would stop her from getting to Ben.

Finally, he saw her. His eyes grew wide as he rushed back towards her. “Rey?” She watched as his eyes widened in horror, focused on the wound on her shoulder as he gripped her hard, forcing her to stop. “You’re hurt!”

“Ben! You can’t! Please don’t! It’s just like the dream!” she rambled, and she felt like she was falling apart right in front of him. He’d left her in the nightmare… forced her to stay behind.

“Dream? Wha-what dream?” He was out of breath from running, confused, his gaze honed in on the wound she could barely feel. “Are you alright?”

Rey shook her head. “I’m fine! It’s not bad,” she assured him. One hand moved up to caress his cheek as he finally lifted his eyes to her face. “I know what you’re planning to do! You can’t!”

Ben’s skin paled immediately, eyes wide as he realized why she’d chased him down. “I must! You can’t follow me Rey!”

“I won’t let you face him alone!” This would not be like the dream. She was determined to change destiny this time. Rey held onto him hard, refusing to let go. Was he really so foolish to think he could leave her behind? “We’re in this together! I’m your wife! I’m supposed to be with you!”

Ben leaned down to capture her lips briefly, resting his forehead against hers. His eyes were closed, but she could sense his thoughts… a haze of sensation and awareness. They were alone for now, and although she could hear screaming in the distance, they’d moved far enough away from the fighting. “You _are_ with me, Rey. Always.” He cupped her face and kissed her once more, mouths open as he conquered. She could taste him, his tongue invading her, soft lips pressed firmly against her own. His touch made her shiver almost as fiercely as the cold. When he finally pulled away, she knew she was crying. The tears stung her skin as the wind continued to grow in strength. “Luke needs you! You’ve got to find my mother! Stay here. I’ll come back for you.”

“Ben no!” She couldn’t let the dream be real. She couldn’t! “Please!”

“I’ll come back, sweetheart. I promise.”

No, no, no! Not again. Ben was pulling away from her, and she felt powerless. Destiny was against her, refusing to be ignored or denied. Her dream was real. Her nightmare coming to life. Rey watched Ben rush off into the night, too fast for her to catch up, and it was difficult to see which direction even if she did attempt to follow. He’d left her behind. Rey broke into a sob and dropped to her knees. He’d been planning this all along. He was going to get himself _killed_! His sacrifice….

“REY! REY!” Luke’s voice pierced her ears, and her head immediately snapped up. She couldn’t quite tell where he was coming from, but he was close.

“REY!” This time it was Finn calling for her. They were looking for her. Not Ben. Her. They knew. Those bastards _knew_. Rey swallowed hard, aggressively wiping away the evidence of her grief. Damn them, but Ben was right. They needed to find Leia Organa. She wouldn’t survive long now that she’d outlived her usefulness. The trap was already sprung.

Rey adjusted the grip on her lightsaber. She hadn’t realized she’d shut it off. Slowly she got back onto her feet, eyes searching in the darkness. “I’m here! Right here! Where are you?”

“Rey?!” Finn’s voice was closer this time. “REY! We’re coming!” Of course he was. Her friend. Always coming for her. Always there when she needed him. 

_“I’m so sorry, my love. Please forgive me. I’ll come back, sweetheart. I promise.”_

Ben’s promise echoed in her mind, and she clung to it just as hard as she’d clung to the hope that her parents would return. She couldn’t help it. Rey wanted to believe him more than anything. _“Be careful, Ben. I need you to come back to me.”_

_“I promise!”_

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit hits the fan, ya'll! What do you think? I was really eager to add that vision from the Force Awakens book. Hope you guys enjoyed that! Also, I know Finn didn't get to show just how badass he is just yet, but it's coming! Be advised!   
>  Everyone's a bad ass!


	26. “I Stand Beside My Own Reflection”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! Lots of violence in this chapter, and some very brief mentions of mental and physical abuse towards minors.
> 
> The parts written in italics are memories.

**“Crawling in my skin  
These wounds, they will not heal  
Fear is how I fall  
Confusing what is real  
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me  
Distracting, reacting  
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection  
It's haunting how I can't seem  
To find myself again  
My walls are closing in” – Linkin Park ‘Crawling’**

_“Have we gotten ourselves lost, my boy? Wandered so far from home?”_ The quiet voice echoed in his mind, like ice spilling inside his skull. The strong blades of Snoke’s only guards swung down towards Ben, but he easily deflected them. He tried to drown out the memory, to focus on the mission, but the past refused to die. It was a part of who he was, what Snoke made him. Grooming him in the shadows. A lost boy, always left alone. A memory that had led him to this moment, to the monster waiting for him behind that door. His destiny. His greatest foe. The voice inside his head that never belonged. Ben’s lightsaber spun with the flick of his wrist, and he charged towards the burgundy guards. Strange that only a few were left to defend their master. The rest were probably with his mother.

_“I… I was looking for my mommy.”_ That little, quivering voice… the voice of a child. His voice. Defenseless and scared. Weak. Pathetic. A target Snoke could exploit. Oh how he must have _loved_ the hunt. Eagerly waiting for his prize. Ben’s eyes briefly closed as he side-stepped the swing of the guard’s staff, and used the opportunity to remove his arm. The shriek echoed in the narrow corridor as the guard gripped what was left of his limb. The severed hand dropped at his feet, but Ben barely noticed it. _“I woke up and she was gone.”_

The other guard continued his attack in earnest, eager to prove himself. His fighting style was, indeed, far more of a challenge to the fearsome Kylo Ren. He was quick on his feet, and more cautious. Ben felt the blunt edge of the staff whip him across the face, but it was nothing. As if he no longer experienced pain… he tilted his head back towards the guard. His narrowed eyes had gone nearly black. He felt inhuman. Raw power surged through his veins, and the guard staggered back in surprise. _“Oh dear… perhaps she has forgotten about you, young one. Your mother has many important duties to attend to. I… on the other hand… have all the time in the world.”_

The rage inside him burned as the memories played out. Tormenting him. He’d been such a fool. To trust. Snoke was there, always waiting in the shadows. Manipulative bastard. Filling his head with lies, driving him to madness, and laughing at the carnage. Snoke made him into a monster, into a beast, and now that beast was coming for _him_. He was eager to destroy his creator. Ben’s growl was deafening as he flung the Praetorian guard using the Force, and he heard the satisfying crack of a broken neck. The dark side hummed to life with each step he took towards the door to Snoke’s throne room. His hand hovered over the scanner that would allow him entrance. _“My name’s Ben… you feel familiar.”_

_“Yes, my son… I know you quite well. You may call me… Supreme Leader Snoke.”_

*******

_There was once a boy named Ben Solo… abandoned and forgotten by the only two people that mattered to him. He tries to be what they want him to be. Far too sensitive. Doesn’t listen. Too much pride. Won’t follow the rules. He tries… for so long he tries. The negativity and fear become a cloud that surrounds him, and he can’t see through the darkness. He closes his eyes and he sees things… terrible things. He stops up his ears but the voice penetrates… whispers lies. This is what madness feels like. His nerves frayed. Hands shaking. Breathing unsteady._

_Meditate. He’s told it will help. They argue. Don’t leave, but his uncle has business to handle. Ben can hear the echo as Luke walks away. He’s afraid of the dark. “Meditate… Ben… you must learn to quiet your mind!” He tries, but it’s not his own thoughts that shout at him. It’s not his own voice he hears inside his head. How does he quiet what does not come from within? How does his light prevent the darkness penetrating him to his bones?_

_The visions. They are not from the Force. Some of them are threats. Some of them are promises. His father… so much older touching his face in a glow of red. Screaming… a woman… she calls him a monster. The taste of blood in his mouth as he stares up into the shadows, a powerful presence reaching out and sending him to his knees. A girl… a beautiful girl… he can’t see her face, but he smells the smoke as it surrounds her… the fire turns her to ashes. No, meditation does not quiet his mind… it only makes it louder._

_“Fulfill your destiny!” What destiny? He is missing something… a clue… a secret. He hears the sound of mechanical breathing behind him, but no one is there. He rushes towards the walls. Ben curls into a corner as the tears slide down his face, shaking his head. Nothing he does can make it stop. The voice only comes when everyone leaves…._

*******

Ben’s hand hovered over the controls. He could hear footsteps, and he snapped his hand away just in time to avoid the blaster. Circuits sparked from the door’s controls as he spun around, using the Force to prevent himself from being hit by his enemy’s attacks. Three blaster bolts hung still in the air as his lightsaber rose and he charged towards the Stormtroopers that dared fight Kylo Ren. _“You’re very powerful, Ben… but reckless! Someday you’ll get everybody killed if you don’t learn to control your emotions!”_

 _“You lied to me, Uncle Luke! Don’t you dare preach to me about control when everything you say is lies! Why couldn’t you have just told me the truth?! They called me a monster!”_ Ben was drifting away with each body that dropped at his feet. He didn’t hesitate to end their lives. He deflected each blaster, threw them into walls, cut them down one by one. It felt like an army surrounding him, but he destroyed them with a flick of his wrist, with the darkness that made killing easy. Faceless souls. He tried not to think of Finn. He did not dwell on how many had once served under him, followed him into battle, and loyally protected him from harm. _“How am I supposed to trust ANYTHING you say?!”_

He felt the spark die from every life taken until none were left alive. Just bodies at his feet. The sound of his own breathing. The hum of his lightsaber by his side. Kylo could feel something wet touch his face and when he lifted his hand to his cheek he knew he was crying. Ben was returning, rising to the surface, and the tears blurred his vision. Behind that door was the voice that had terrorized him all his life. Waiting. He was starting to remember. The key to defeating his former master unlocking and it was so much worse than he could have imagined.

*******

_It doesn’t feel like betraying family, when it is family that betrays him first. Hate fuels him. For so many years they held back the legacy of their family. Shame is for the weak. Leads to the dark side. Luke is shouting, but the voice… the voice is **screaming**. He finally understands. “Fulfill your destiny!” it demands. The destiny of his family. The destiny running through his veins. His grandfather. Darth Vader. The dark side flows freely._

_He calls his saber to him as Luke’s blade swings. So be it… Jedi. He refuses to stay here. His uncle won’t let him go. “I don’t want to fight you!” And yet here they stand. Ben is wild. Falling into the madness he’s resisted for so many years. His anger is real, slicing inside him till he’s bleeding internally. He won’t stop until his uncle is dead. He won’t stop until the voice is quiet. He attacks ferociously, damaging the outer casing of Luke’s false hand. His uncle’s eyes are wide… not with shock, but true fear. Now he finally knows. Now he can finally see! Ben tried to warn him, but he never listens. He never paid attention. No one did._

_Others run to Luke’s aid. They want to protect their master, but Ben will fight them all if he has to. He will die or they will. Either way, it ends. The grandson of Darth Vader. The monster. A young man, only two years younger, is sliced through the chest, and Luke cries out. Ben snarls as the body drops to his feet. More come. Running towards him, but the voice grows louder. Too loud. “FULFILL YOUR DESTINY!” His ears are bleeding. His nose as well. Ben drops to his knees and releases a noise that shatters glass._

_Everything goes white and dark. He doesn’t know where he is or why. Rain soaks his clothing and he coughs as he lifts his face from the puddle it was lying in. The temple is silent. Still. Bodies surround him, and parts of the building are caving in. Ben’s eyes widen, and somehow he knows he’s done this, killed everything and everyone. He’s never… he’s never used shatterpoint subconsciously, but the temple’s weakest points are dust, and the bones of his fellow classmates are broken beyond repair. He can feel them… fading… one with the force. Ben reaches for a torch and fans the flame. He will burn this temple down. Never come back. He’s sealed his fate._

_Running. It won’t be long before others follow. Where will he go? Who can he turn to? The voice slithers back inside his skull one last time. He doesn’t resist it. He has no choice. It guides him now. He is alone. Always alone. His uncle betrayed him. His parents abandoned him. Only the voice remains. “Come home, boy… where you truly belong. Come home to your Master… Supreme Leader Snoke!”_

*******

His father gave him a mission. The key to ending Snoke. Fulfill his true destiny… the one his ‘master’ tried to hide from him. Perhaps the Supreme Leader knew all along, but Ben doubted he’d seen how the story ends. Who could foresee this? A memory. The memory his father gave him. Memories were powerful things. They could shape who a person became. They could rip a man to shreds. Sometimes… sometimes they could even shatter the mind. He knew what he had to do, but did he have the strength to do it?

 _“It’s the only way, Ben… it’s the only way,”_ his father had whispered.

Kylo switched off his saber and dropped to his knees, ignoring the pool of blood staining his clothes. Within his mind he felt along the seams between light and dark. So close to fully healed. Perhaps one day. Today was not the day for heroes. Today was not the time for peace. He thought about his father, and Rey… and the look on his mother’s face when she told him he needed to pack. He thought about the nights left alone in his bed… in the dark. Everything that went wrong. The lies his uncle told him. Every event that had made him who he was. He inhaled. He exhaled. This was going to hurt.

He dug in hard and ripped. Ben and Kylo… sewn together along the seams of his mind, the glass that had replaced what was broken. His fists tightened even as he felt his whole body shudder. He tried to breathe. And in one fell swoop he gave into the rage and destroyed everything. The seams began to burst violently apart. The glass cracked and splintered. The calm and serene mind of Ben Solo became a violent storm. The passion and fury of Kylo Ren shrieked in agony. The throbbing pain was never-ending, and his cry filled the empty halls till every light flickered and exploded. Raw power. The splintering of his soul. He gave into a different sort of madness and everything went dark.

*******

_He sees her only once after the destruction of the Jedi Temple. He isn’t supposed to be there, but he can’t resist her pull. The gardens look beautiful, just starting to bloom in the spring weather. This was his home once. The home he was born to, where he played as a boy. Things were so much simpler then. Kylo isn’t supposed to be here. His only mission was to recover one of his fallen knights, deep undercover and feeding Snoke valuable intel on the New Republic. Chandrila is mostly untouched and untainted by the chaos resulting from political upheaval. It’s quiet, and in the distance he knows the sea lies just beyond Hanna city. He can almost hear the calming crash of waves against the shore. His eyes lift from the shadows to memorize his mother’s face. All he sees is pain._

_He knows this is dangerous. She’s always been able to sense when he’s close. Her eyes searching the gardens, so darkened and defeated. She’s leaving. He’s well aware that she’s chosen to fight along with the Resistance. His mask lies perched against his boot, and his fingernails dig into his gloves as they rest on a nearby tree. Her light… her darkness… he feels it just as surely as the breeze touching his face. He could go to her. He could give up his training with Master Snoke, and beg her forgiveness. Leia Organa’s eyes lower and she wipes away the tears. She backs away from the balcony, returning inside. She didn’t even sense him. How could she? Ben Solo is truly dead…._

*******

A gloved hand rose towards the durasteel wall, and with the swipe of that hand, metal screeched in protest before being ripped away. The Force continued to press in on twisted metal until it was nothing more than a mass of junk. Calmly Ben Solo and Kylo Ren walked into the throne room of Supreme Leader Snoke and looked up. Their eyes gazing upon their old master for the first time in several months. The perverse smile, the deep blue eyes, with skin that looked melted and decayed in places. Golden robes to make him seem regal, but instead the color simply highlighted his disfigurement.

They were alone. Two bodies, but three souls, and so many ghosts that haunted this room that felt more like a torture chamber. The deep red of the walls glowed around them, as if filled with the blood of Snoke’s victims. How many men and women were brutally murdered here? How many lives were taken at Kylo Ren’s own hand to further his training? “And so… the prodigal son returns,” Snoke finally spoke. His voice sounding cruel to Ben, yet somehow cold and unfeeling to Kylo. Their duality much more pronounced now they had separated once again.

“I’m not here to beg for your forgiveness, Snoke.” Standing against his former master felt like the ultimate betrayal and the most perfect revenge. The voice had always been there. When Kylo felt alone and abandoned. When everyone seemed determined to forget he existed. The voice was there. For Ben it was a sweet vengeance for all the suffering and cruelty… all the nights he cried and begged for the voice to stop. The voice refused to relent or retreat. It’s presence cutting into his mind until sanity felt like a dream… a fantasy. “I’m here to end this.”

“When I found you I saw _raw_ , untamed power… and beyond that something truly special. It seems a shame to end this now… just as you’re finally reaching your full potential. How… disappointing.” Snoke spat the words with barely contained rage. The room’s temperature seemed to lower as the dark side wrapped around Kylo and Ben, squeezing like a vice just as if he were back in the caves of Tython. Kylo fed on it, craved it, and reached out towards it eagerly. Ben clung to thoughts of Rey, shielding their bond from his pain, and guarding his heart with the light within.

Snoke stood from his throne, slowly descending the steps, his hand stretched out towards Kylo and Ben. Their spark… stronger than anything Snoke had tasted before. They felt his lust, his hunger, desperate to steal what didn’t belong to him. The lightsaber’s white light kept Ben focused as he waited. Kylo’s hand tightened on the hilt as he watched. Snoke’s consuming presence pressing against their defenses, their spark wavering. Snoke roared, and Kylo and Ben snapped back as he began to feast, literally sucking the life from their body.

_“Now Kylo! It has to be now!”_ Ben insisted.

Kylo grunted from the effort, and closed his eyes, using the same ability to return what was being stolen. Snoke’s eyes grew wide as a tug of war began. The dark side feeding them both, pushing them to the limit, and testing their endurance. Their spark remained, continuing to flicker like a flame against the wind. Kylo fed on Snoke with the same ferocity, fueled by the hatred of a man who’d been thoroughly scorned all his life. Snoke’s spark… ancient and alien, like nothing Kylo had ever tasted before.

_“I can’t hold him for much longer, Ben!”_ Ren warned.

Ben reached out with the light, touching Snoke’s mind, seeping inside like a thief in the night. _“It’s time, Snoke… time to see what you’re truly made of.”_

*******

_Tython. It’s moons of dark and light seem to fill the sky as never before. The planet is alive and full. The chattering of voices, children’s laughter, and music fill the air. Ben stands through the crowd, but his eyes are on Snoke. He doesn’t yet understand. He does not remember this place. So many people he has feasted upon, and he’s lost himself in the process. He is ancient, overcome by darkness and memories cruelly stolen upon the death of his victims. Like a vampire… he continues on, without shame or conscious. Devourer of worlds._

_It took time for Ben to realize what happened to Tython. How does a planet with so much life and connection to the Force suddenly go silent? He knows now. He knows everything. It starts with a boy. “Pay attention, Master… blink and you’ll miss it.”_

_Tython is filled with mostly humans, but strangers have come from a faraway world that has crumbled to ash. Refugees. Homeless. Snoke’s father and mother beg for sanctuary. There is a darkness that surrounds them though. Something is out of balance. They do not belong among the people of Tython. Banishment! Banishment to Bogan! They have the Force. They have done something terrible. A child cries in it’s mother’s arms. The boy. It’s skin is burned and caked in blood. Even then… nothing more than a creature._

*******

“No!” Snoke growled angrily, taking a step towards Kylo with eyes wide and desperate. “This can’t be possible! HOW DO YOU HAVE SUCH KNOWLEDGE?!”

Kylo was barely hanging on, the tug of war between them had him buckling under the strain. Sweat dripped down his face, and he was struggling to take each breath. He could sense Ben inside the creatures mind, but time was running out. Their spark was going to fade. He could not match his master’s skill. His hand trembled, even as it gripped the hilt of his saber close to his hips. He felt so… weak. Like a child in comparison to his former master. He took another step, even as the Force continued to push him back. “Wouldn’t you like to know,” he responded through gritted teeth.

“TELL ME! **TELL ME!** ”

“Go to hell….”

*******

_Tython shines across the sky, but all the boy sees is red and black. The city of Bogan is dismal and the banished carry on like ghosts. The boy’s father angrily snatches the child and flings him to the ground. The dark side spikes as rage builds inside the boy. “I have destroyed entire villages, and watched everything around me burn! I will not remain here while others feast on milk and fresh meat! Again!”_

_Dust is kicked in the air over the boy’s head when he doesn’t get up fast enough. He just barely manages to shield his eyes in time. He scrambles to his feet and hisses at his father, rushing towards him at top speeds. He is nothing but a raindrop pounding against the rock. He fights and swings, but it does nothing._

_“USE THE POWER INSIDE OF YOU, BOY!” his father bellows, shoving him back._

_The child does not understand. He feels cold. Emptied out. The world around him swirls with the Force, but he cannot call to it. He cannot use it. He reaches out towards his father, but nothing throws the man back. He searches for weak spots, but he senses nothing. He is useless. Powerless. Hate flows free, but the dark side does not stir. He can do nothing. The boy flies back into the dirt and a boot presses into his chest. This is where he belongs. In the red dust._

*******

“YOU WILL TELL ME!” Snoke was drawing closer, but Kylo could feel it… he was wavering. It was working. This distraction was breaking him. Kylo took another breath and remembered Rey. His precious scavenger. The only one ever brave enough to make love to a monster. Soon this would all be over. His own spark was dying, but he held on. He refused to stop. He took a step closer even as he felt his body shattering from the force of Snoke’s attack. He wouldn’t let this creature anywhere near Rey. He wouldn’t let his vision come true. Snoke would have burned her to ash if she appeared before him. It was Kylo he wanted, and he’d do anything to feed his hunger.

“I won’t let you hurt her!”

*******

_In the night it is mother that he goes to first. He awakens. He’s different. His movements are calm as he quietly propels himself forward. There is a hunger inside him and he’s not quite sure what to do with it. She sleeps soundly as he reaches out. The spark. Her life force. It calls to him. He needs it for something, though he’s not sure what. His body is broken and bloodied, but she can make him whole. His first feast. He takes._

_The taste is like nothing he has ever known before. His blood surges. His hands steady. Adrenaline fuels him to push further. Take more. She is awake now and screaming. His father! His father jumps to her aid. His spark burning even brighter than hers. He needs it. He will devour them both. Their force energy. Their lives. They belong to him, and he will FEAST!_

_The boy watches his father fall to his knees, eyes wide in surprise, but somehow there’s a warped curling to his lips. Pride. Yes… this is what his father wanted to see. Power. Such power! The boy scowls as he leans forward towards the older man. “So… hungry,” he whispers as the last of his father’s spark is extinguished and the screaming stops. His parents are dead. His wounds have healed. All he can remember is his homeworld burning… and the echo of his father’s malicious laugh._

*******

“No!” Snoke shouted in agony, gripping his head as he staggered. His mind being torn apart by the memories of his youth, memories forgotten over the centuries of feasting. Snoke was nothing more than a parasite from the very beginning. A creature. A product of two monsters fleeing from the world they destroyed. “NO! HOW?!”

“None of that matters now,” Kylo shouted even as he felt his skin tear under the pressure of Snoke’s power. The entire chamber was shaking and cracking, reminding him of what happened at the Jedi Temple. The memory was too much for his master. Ren could almost see the creature spiraling into a blind rage, out of control, and full of desperation. He would end Snoke’s suffering. It was the merciful thing to do. 

Kylo’s ignited blade was shoved deep into Snoke’s chest. A sudden attack just as quick as when he’d killed his own father. He looked into the demon’s eyes as Snoke cried out, those icy blue eyes staring back at his apprentice in disbelief. “Kylo… Ren,” he stammered, as the lightsaber began cutting upwards towards his neck.

“I just want you to know… _Supreme Leader_. It should have been _you_ on that bridge. It should have been you!”

Kylo cut Snoke in half with those words, and watched him split apart on the durasteel floor. Blue light blinded him as the blast threw his body back against the wall. A ripple in the Force, strong enough to destroy the entire throne room. His final thoughts settled on Rey. Always Rey. He’d done it. He’d killed Snoke. For himself… and for her. She was safe now. Safe from the voice that had lived inside his head.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snoke is dead! I know this chapter was pretty intense, but please feel free to tell me what you thought! Comments are most appreciated!


	27. “When the World is Caving”

**“And when I leave you I stop looking for heaven  
Cause I found a piece of it wrapped up in your presence  
Oh with you and I, there's love so divine  
On my darkest day I know you'll be my shine  
When the world is caving, baby you're my safe haven” – Ruth B. ‘Safe Haven’**

_Her first memory is a smile. Beautiful pearly whites entering her vision as the warmth surrounds her. She is safe. She is home. She is content with her family. It is strange… peculiar that she can remember this moment and not the ones that follow. There is a face with that smile, but darkness prevents her from seeing it. There are eyes looking upon her, the eyes of her mother, but their color is a secret too dangerous to reveal. Perhaps the stars will implode the day she breaks through and sees the full extent of her memories._

_On Jakku she is content to imagine. She watches the pirates and smugglers chatter and wonders if one of them might be her father. She takes their faces and scrambles them together to make a man, purely fictional, that is promising to return… a promise he cannot keep. It’s all she has. These broken memories. The creativity of her mind. Together these sustain her through the loneliness and the quiet. She does not sleep. How can she? Her eyes are too terrified of missing something, missing their return. As if somehow she might miss them in the hours when the sun of Jakku drifts to the other side._

_It is not until Tython that she discovers the darkness that resides within her, that has been there all along, hiding away from the light. It’s been tucked away with locked memories, and since it’s release she is caught in a state of confusion and conflict. Rey is being torn apart. She is being splintered, and as Ben’s mind pulls away from her, she discovers the damage. Just as broken as he is. Haunted by the smile that welcomed her into the world. Haunted by a face carved from the faces of others. Her mother. Her father. Still longing for the truth of her heritage._

_Who will she become when she knows what became of them?_

*******

There was something familiar about the passage they took in their efforts to liberate Leia Organa. Starkiller Base was constructed recently, only in the last few years, but it’s design felt familiar. The fortress, built on top of something else, an extension of the past. Ben’s conscious mind no longer filled the empty spaces through their bond, and something else had taken his place. Her hand touched the durasteel panels of the wall, and Rey could feel a tug that wasn’t there before. This metal was reused. It had a history. It was waiting for her.

Luke was walking ahead, his mind desperately searching for his twin, seeking connection. Finn was following behind him shooting anything that moved with the reflexes of a Jedi, and the aim of a famed marksman. She’d never seen him like this before, and yet she’d always known this was what he was made for. This is what he was programmed for. It felt like she was watching a fish swim for the very first time. He cut through the waters of a battlefield with grace and strength. He was born to this. Finn the Stormtrooper… Finn the rebel.

Rey faltered, and her grip on her lightsaber loosened with each step she took. They hid in the shadows, behind corners, out of sight. The darkest parts of this fortress beckoned them, drew them closer and closer towards their goal, but it felt more like an undertow above water. Following a siren song on dry land. Nothing about it felt right, and she couldn’t be the only one that noticed.

The corridors were turning into a maze, so easy to get lost in. They were creeping deeper into the beast, surrounded by less metal and more rock. Rey’s stomach tightened like a spring, senses in overdrive, reminding her of the dark tunnels of Tython. The darkness was overshadowing them, sending a chill deep in her bones much colder than the climate of Starkiller’s surface. Pins and needles pressing into her skin, demanding she turn back before it was too late.

A bad feeling… unlike anything she’d ever felt before.

*******

_She remembers a finger, so large her hands cannot wrap around it. The nail is cut short, and when she digs in she can feel the grime underneath that’s impossible to rinse away. Her mouth latches onto it to relieve the aching pain of her gums, and she squeals in delight as it curls and wiggles. This strange appendage is here for her amusement, and she finds it so fascinating. The pale color turning red when her own nails bury into it. This gift she accepts without hesitation, with all the trust she possesses. Somehow she knows this finger is hers… belongs to her. She does not control it. She can’t halt it’s wiggle, but it was put in front of her for a reason. She is not alone_

_In dreams Rey realizes this finger belongs to her father. Another memory surrounded by darkness, but left alone due to it’s insignificance. She treasures it anyway. It is a clue. A piece of the puzzle. A reminder of times when she is loved and wanted. A taste of the family she marks her walls for, always waiting, always hoping. Refusing to die, but hesitant to live, stuck in a never-ending stasis of her own making._

_She dreams of the man attached to that finger, and wishes he would come back for her so she might grip it once more. One day her father will return. One day. She is loved. She is wanted. No one can convince her otherwise. Her memory is all the proof she needs._

*******

The prison cells of Snoke’s fortress were carved deep into Starkiller base. They had no choice but to continue on, deeper into the maze of passages that spiraled like a spider’s web. It felt like a trap, and perhaps that was always the plan. Leia was just another piece of bait left dangled before them in case they’d managed to make it inside. “I have a bad feeling about this,” grumbled Finn.

Rey nodded her agreement, but her Master refused to speak. She could tell he was lost to the hunt. Luke was determined to save his sister. Nothing else mattered. Han Solo was dead, and Luke felt responsible for that loss. He refused to lose anyone else, and certainly not someone he was so completely connected to. Leia was his other half, his twin, their connection was something special and unique. He would not fail her… not again. She understood that better than anyone. She knew the length she would go to for family… for Ben.

Rey’s eyes drifted over the durasteel melted into the rock, the walls becoming more and more jagged as they continued down into the depths of the fortress. Lights were beginning to flicker. Darkness continued to surround them, thick like smoke, choking and chilling. Her chest felt tight as if something massive was pressing against it, restricting the beating of her heart, preventing her lungs from filling up as they ought to. Dread sunk into her bones, and her eyes were filling with tears, as if her body knew a secret her mind couldn’t yet comprehend.

Something like panic was swelling from deep inside. Her hands were shaking. Her legs growing numb. Sounds were muted, and her sight blurred around the edges. It felt like walking into a dream, a nightmare. Luke and Finn were fading away from her, drifting, and she struggled to make sense of the sensations pulling her down… pulling her away from them.

“Something happened here,” Rey whispered. Her softly spoken words reached Skywalker, giving him pause as he glanced back towards her.

“Rey?”

Finn lowered his weapon briefly, eyebrows wrinkled with concern as she shivered. “What’s wrong?”

Ghosts. She felt them in the walls. They cut through the air around her, murmuring and hissing a horrifying truth. This planet. This construction. It had a past. A horrifying history. Shadows bleeding into the walls like the cave back on Ahch-To. A deep, gaping wound in the Force that would never heal… that had no right to recover. So much death. So much suffering. She felt all of it. Rey’s fingers went numb and she jumped at the startling sound of her lightsaber hitting the ground. “We need to get out of here!”

Luke pushed past Finn and gripped her shoulders. “Rey, we can’t! Leia is down here! I’ve felt her! She’s still alive!”

Rey shook her head, trying to pull away, overwhelmed by the anxiety that spread through her like cancer. Words spilled out of her before she could even consider them. _Wrong!_ It was all she knew. All she felt. Something was very _wrong_! They were lambs… being led to the slaughter, just more slices and cuts to make the walls bleed red. Couldn’t he see? Didn’t they notice?! The walls were practically _dripping!_ “No! He killed her! He killed them all!”

Her Master looked so confused, eyes burning into her, his grip solid and firm. “Who? Killed who?”

Rey wanted to answer, but her response clung to the walls of her throat like tar. Something… a realization… on the edge of her tongue, but she couldn’t speak the words. The imprint of a memory that wasn’t hers, but felt so deeply connected to her that it stole the breath from her lungs. This planet, once belonging to the Empire, a century of cruelty and pain carved into stone. Rey ripped herself from Luke Skywalker’s grip and all at once the world turned on it’s side.

*******

_The Empire has fallen, splintering and broken. Factions scattering across the cosmos, squabbling for control in the wake of their devastation. So many families are being ripped apart as soldiers (once loyal to the cause) abandon hope in the chaos that follows._

_Anarchy and war continue to ripple through the galaxy in every corner but this one. No… not in this place. Here lies the beating heart of the Emperor, ensuring he lives on even as the rebellion celebrates on Endor. His darkness seeps into every rock and every tree. His loyal followers watching from afar, observing the madness and the anguish with glee, learning from it. Waiting._

_Rey runs through the base, floats through it. In a moment she is seeing through a thousand eyes that wander this place with purpose, and just as suddenly… everything narrows. Her perspective falls low to the ground as her body stumbles to the floor and a finger reaches down to pull her back onto her feet. Little hands reach out to accept it. She clings to this finger, her salvation, the only thing she knows. She looks up, blinded by the light, but her eyes catch the pearly whites of a smile. A smile she knows. A smile that has haunted her dreams so often she can’t sleep anymore._

_**Her parents.** _

_What is this place? Why are they here?! It can’t be! Rey wants to scream, but her voice is weighed down by memories. She’s older. Chasing a little droid as it rolls down the halls, careful to avoid the Stormtroopers that march around her. This place, once belonging to the Empire, it’s becoming something else. It was always meant to be something else. Left behind by the Emperor himself. A secret. Waiting._

_Arguing. She cannot make out what they say as she hides beneath her bed, but the desperation in her mother’s voice makes her shiver. Words thrown at each other with carelessness and spite as her hand reaches out towards the stuffed doll wearing the clothes of a soldier. Clothes of the **First Order**. It’s out of reach. She won’t leave the safety of the bed. A small hand clinging to the floor beneath her as she wills her stuffed doll to her, and finally it **comes**. A power inside her… a power only recently discovered. Instinctually, she knows this is what her parents are arguing about. _

_“We can’t let Leader Snoke have her! You **know** what he’ll do if he discovers what she’s capable of! We can’t let him do to **her** what he’s doing to the **other** ….”_

_“The Supreme Leader is wise!”_

_“The Supreme Leader will destroy her!”_

_Silence. Hesitation. “… I… I know.”_

*******

“Rey! Rey! Come on! Please!”

Ben tried to show her once what it felt like… to be torn apart. She never understood it until now. Her hand flew up before she could stop herself, sending Finn flying back with so much force he screamed. The agony of her memories continued to assault her, like demons feasting upon her flesh. Attacking her all at once. A sudden rush as if the dam had broken around her, the protective barrier shattering until she was left defenseless to the truth. Now she understood why Ben hadn’t wanted her to face Snoke by his side.

_“What’s wrong with her?!”_

_“I don’t know! I… I think it’s a vision!”_

More memories! More nightmares! The ghosts rushing in. Her mother’s touch. Urging her to forget. The tight grip of her father. Promising to return. Unkar Plutt pulling her away as she screamed for parents that were running from a demon. From Snoke. His shadow cast out over Ben Solo’s destiny and hers. The memories rip her apart. Push and pull until everything makes sense and the pain inside her skull makes her go mad. Snoke… it always came back to _him_. 

The darkness choked her, the pins cutting deep into sun-kissed skin, and Rey screamed, fighting an invisible enemy as she felt their terror; torn away from their ship… dragged back… refusing to submit to his demands. The furious howls of a demon. Snoke… it always came back to _him_. He was the reason she was abandoned on Jakku!

That soulless wraith was the reason her parents were dead….

*******

Someone was carrying her. She must have passed out. Her hands hung past her head limply and something thick was pressing into her abdomen. Her eyes fluttered open, but she could see nothing, her body jostled with each step. Her muscles immediately stiffened, and the grip around her loosened as the person carrying her slowed. “Skywalker! I think she’s awake.”

“Rey?”

Rey’s body was hastily pulled down from Finn’s shoulder with Luke’s help. They set her on the ground against a nearby wall. It took a minute for everything to come back, clicking into place as if the dark, blank spaces of her mind had just been replaced with something solid… and far more perplexing. Suddenly, the finger connected to a hand, an arm… a _body_. The smile spoke softly, with a voice like hers, and eyes that betrayed a sadness Rey was too young to understand.

She was immediately reminded of the book Ben had handed to her so long ago, urging her to reach out, feel the imprint of the person who’d written it, and in an instant she knew. This base… the very first base of the First Order… it was once her home. Her place of birth. Rey was a child of the Empire… a captive of the First Order. So many years waiting for a family that was long dead. They’d sacrificed themselves to save her, to keep her from the torment they knew Ben Solo was enduring.

Rey swallowed hard as she stared up at Luke and Finn, eyes filled with tears she couldn’t hold back. “This is where they died,” she choked. Ben’s reason for facing Snoke alone finally made sense. It wasn’t just for him… but for her too. To respect her parent’s wishes. To finish what they started. To keep her safe. To keep her away from the monster that lusted for power… his and hers.

“Where who died?” Finn questioned, still confused.

“My parents.” Her voice shook under the weight of this secret. Suddenly, everything felt familiar. It felt solid. Even here… the depths of the fortress, a place she’d never once explored, yet somehow she knew it. She knew everything. “This is where I was born.”

Finn’s eyes widened in surprise just as Luke’s lips pressed into a solemn line. Her Master suddenly looked so much older than his age. “You feel them… in these walls. The memories.”

Rey nodded.

“This planet once belonged to Emperor Palpatine. I sensed his darkness the moment I arrived… and Vader’s as well. Snoke must have seized control after their death. The revenge of the Empire… something left behind so their legacy might never die. Snoke was always meant to finish what the Empire began.” Rey could see it in her Master’s eyes, haunted by his own past, just as she was haunted by hers. She could only imagine the ghosts haunting Ben.

“My own memories are returning, but their tainted with the memories of my parents. This is where they were sent after they hid me away on Jakku. They were executed for their crimes… as traitors.”

Luke nodded, stroking her cheek with all the gentleness of family, her new family, the one Ben Solo had given her. Somehow he’d _known_. He’d known her parents were never coming back. “I sense my sister, Rey. She’s here… somewhere in this labyrinth. Perhaps your memories have returned for a reason?”

Yes, perhaps. Rey knew exactly where the General would have been kept. They were being led into a trap. They’d be cornered and killed. Her eyes widened as she realized why the truth was revealed to her now. Destiny… waiting for her. “We’re going the wrong way. This way leads to death. I can get you to General Organa. I know the way!” 

Rey pushed away from the floor, scrambling away from the wall just as Luke handed her back the saber… the lightsaber of his family, her family now. Her eyes narrowed as she stared into the void of darkness ahead, turned away from it. They would have wandered for days and never found Leia Organa. Her parents had left her one last gift. Protecting her… even now.

“Follow me.”

*******

The blueprints laid out behind her eyes… a labyrinth of misery, but the answers she needed appeared in her mind like a flash of blue light. It was as if she’d transformed, turned into a droid. Shaped into a machine that was projecting the information from a special lens. Her legs quickened their pace, heart beating fast, desperate to keep Ben from losing his family the way she’d lost hers. Leia Organa. His mother. _Her_ family now. The only family she would ever know.

Finn and Luke could barely keep up with her. Left turns and right turns, kicking through rusted grates and climbing through muck to avoid dangerous pitfalls left behind to destroy any who might try and free the Resistance leader. Rey felt like she was being led, gripping a finger that no longer existed, following a smile that shone with pride. Her parents. They were with her, even now. Protecting her. 

The darkness she’d been struggling with slowly fades with each step. She wasn’t abandoned. She was _saved_. She wasn’t waiting. She was _hiding_. This was her destiny all along. This was always meant to be. Ben Solo was a warrior, and Rey was a protector. Ben was the weapon, and she was the shield. A balance. Darkness and light.

Rey could hardly breathe, but she never paused. She never stopped. She could hear Finn shouting for her to slow down, but she refused. There wasn’t any time. Not enough time. They had to end this. They had to bring the balance. Starkiller base and all the other weapons looming in the depths of space… they needed to be destroyed.

She ceased to be the scavenger. Not a Jedi either. Luke’s teachings were a foundation, but destiny had other plans. Destiny had carved a new path. She dashed past every barrier and defense. The memories splintering in her mind to fill the gaps, whispering truths she’d never understood. So many questions unanswered about her heritage, still a shadow even now. Perhaps one day she’d get her answers, but for now she was content. She was at peace. 

Finally, she reached it! Deep within the rock, in the darkest depths of Starkiller II (the fortress of Snoke)… beating heart of what had once been the Empire. Rey’s hands pressed against the heavy grate, but it wouldn’t budge. Sealed tight despite her desperate efforts to remove it. Her lightsaber flew from her belt, fingers wrapped around the hilt as she ignited it and cut through the durasteel and melted rock. “She’s here! She’s just beyond here! We’re not too late!” 

This place wasn’t a prison cell. It was something far worse. It was a noose slowly being tightened around Leia Organa’s neck. The darkness and the cold. Her execution at the push of a button. A garbage compactor for humanity. Snoke would have them watch as she screamed in agony before her death. Only a twisted mind would think up such schemes. Schemes that had ended her parent’s life. Not again. Rey could feel the ghosts urging her on. So many souls trapped in the belly of this grisly beast, waiting to save a life and be free.

“Rey?” a voice cried out from beyond the grate, female.

She redoubled her efforts as sparks burned her arms, slicing into duracrete and stone. “We’re here! Stand back!” she assured her mother-in-law. Rey shifted and kicked the grate with all the force she possessed, watching it drop to the ground with a loud clang. Leia’s face immediately filled her vision.

“Took you guys long enough!”

Rey knew time was running out. No time for pleasantries. No time to express relief. Her hand reached out for the former Princess as she hoisted the older woman up into the ventilation shaft. “We need to get you out of here! Hurry!”

Leia gasped as she was pulled up and sent to her knees, ducked down painfully low in the small space. Luke and Finn were already turning back around rushing back towards the main passage. “Rey, can you get me to an access panel. I might be able to patch into the main computer network-”

“No! We need to get you to the command center directly! There’s no other way!” Rey informed him, listening as her voice echoed against stone walls.

Rey could feel jagged stone tear at her clothes as she crawled, felt the syrup-like drip of blood staining her clothes. Her jaw clenched as she endured the pain, grunted when something tugged at her hair, or dug into her knees. They were running out of time. The ghosts were fading one by one. Urgent as they warned her that it wasn’t over. One last task to fulfill… and one last life to save.

Luke dropped into the main passage, followed by Finn, but by the time Rey reached it her resolve crumbled like dried up sandstone. “Rey!” Skywalker cried as she hit the floor and shrieked. _Ben Solo!_ The walls built around him disappeared in an instant, and a flood of white, hot pain shot up every single nerve ending, burning her alive. Something was very wrong.

One last ghost hovering over her, and Rey’s eyes widened at the familiar face. It whispered to her, though not a sound was uttered. _‘Snoke is dead… and soon his apprentice.’_

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda hate this chapter. I wish I could make it better, but I could only hold onto it for so long before I felt like trashing everything and screaming into the void. lol Anyway, sorry if this sucks! :-/


	28. “Inner Demons Don’t Play Well With Angels”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get a bit graphic with Ben Solo's injuries. Nothing too nasty, but he's bleeding internally and externally, and that ain't pretty!

**“They say it won't be hard  
They can't see the battles in my heart  
But when I turn away  
The demons seem to stay  
Cause inner demons don't play well with angels  
They cheat and lie and steal and break and bruise  
Angels, please protect me from these rebels  
This is a battle I don't want to lose” – Julia Brennan ‘Inner Demons’**

_He is being hunted by a shadow… a demon… a darkness. Ben runs. All he can hear is the sound of his breathing. Lungs expand and contract. Heart pumping. Blood flooding his veins. None of this is real except the danger lurking… pursuing him. He doesn’t stop. He knows he is finished if he stops. His thighs burn, feet tripping on broken branches and exposed roots from the trees._

_“You cannot escape me…” the voice roars, sounding almost inhuman. “I killed you once… don’t think I can’t do it again.”_

_It can’t be possible, but he knows it’s true. He knows who that voice belongs to… **what** that voice belongs to. Something’s very wrong though. Deeply wrong. This isn’t how it’s supposed to end, but it’s happening just the same. He feels the darkness looming like black tar, a wave of outrageous power. Anger. Greed. Unimaginable **pain**. It cuts down trees and absorbs them into the crushing shadows outstretched; it melts the snow he’s just trampled upon._

_He can barely see. Hands stretching out as he breaks through the forest, ducking and gasping as tree limbs rip and tear. Desperation keeps him alive. Keeps him focused. He follows the light inside him, clings to it, but its growing dim. He can’t feel Rey’s light feeding into his own. His own power is failing him. It will not be enough. He knows what this is. He knows what is coming. Ben Solo screams. Tears streaming down his face. He has a new enemy now._

_Kylo Ren._

*******

“Oh my god, Ben!” Kylo’s eyes fluttered at the sound of a voice, back arching as steel cut into his back. He felt wet, crimson slick and sticky from all the places he was pierced. His entire body throbbed, burning like acid, yet cold like ice. “My son!”

“He’s injured… it looks bad! I… I can’t feel him. Something’s wrong!” His beloved. He could hear the panic in her voice, but he couldn’t focus on her face. His limbs refused to move. He felt like he was suffocating. Choking on a liquid deep inside, pouring in, and pushing out the oxygen he so desperately needed. “No, no, no! You can’t do this to me! Please! Ben! BEN!”

He growled at the sound of that name, the name he wanted erased from the stars themselves. Erased from existence. This was _his_ body now. Snoke was dead. Nothing would stop him from his destiny. The darkness called to him, louder than ever before, Snoke’s life force charging him like a battery. He just needed a little more. He could heal himself. Become more powerful than any being in the universe. He just needed to feed. To drain the spark of another so his could revive himself.

“H-he killed Snoke?”

“Yes Leia, he’s changed… he’s betrayed the First Order and Snoke! There’s much we can tell you, but now is not the time. Rey, move aside. I need to see how bad it is.” His uncle… a Master Jedi… he presumed to believe he could save Kylo Ren. No… his body was beyond that now. Even drifting into the void, Kylo could feel his power, untapped… waiting. Let the Jedi come near to him, and he would finally feast. He would take Luke’s spark. 

“Guys! What about blowing up the other bases?! People are dying up there!” The _traitor_! He’d dared to hurt Kylo’s beloved. To cast her aside for her choice. Rey was his… _his_. He’d take the traitor’s spark next. Kylo had no other use for him.

“I won’t lose him!” Rey sobbed, voice filled with such power… oh, how he savored the sound of her voice. Her spark burned bright… _safe_ from Snoke. He’d make sure no one ever hurt her. He’d become more powerful than any other Force user the galaxy has ever seen. No one would ever come between them again. His _wife_.

Kylo coughed, splattering his chin with the oozing liquid in his lungs. Gasping for breath. He tried to look upon her, but he could feel himself falling away again. Drifting into the dream. First, he would kill Ben Solo… and then he would save himself.

*******

_Ben is exhausted. He doesn’t stop. The wave continues to chase him, squeeze at him, and he panics. What if he can’t do this? He can’t run forever. The darkness will never stop. His light flickers even now. He keeps running. Always running from something. Not brave enough. Not strong enough. **Weak**. Is that not what Kylo sees? A weak boy. Deserving of death._

_His knees crack as he pounds the ground, reaching a clearing beyond the trees. He doesn’t look back. He can feel the creature reaching out towards him. Threatening to destroy him. Licking at the back of his neck. Screeching like a beast. “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!” he cries out finally, his tears blurring his vision. So afraid. So tired. He doesn’t understand. They were working together. They’d ended this war._

_“Snoke is dead. You were simply the enemy of my enemy… but I have no use for you now. Don’t you see, Ben? Han Solo’s death created something unnatural. I can fix it. I can set everything right. You must understand. One of us has to die.”_

_“No! No, I don’t believe that! We worked together! We saved Rey… together!”_

_He’s losing steam. His chest aches. His stomach twisting into knots until it almost seems to spasm in protest. His limbs straining under such harsh use. He’s leaping over every obstacle, forcing his lungs harder than is normal. The darkness echoes with laughter all around him, piercing into his very soul. “You FOOLISH boy! Weak! Pathetic! Begging for your life even now! Face me! Face your death with honor! Instead you run! You run from the darkness! You run from the inevitable! You can’t win, Ben Solo! You can’t defeat me!”_

_Is he right? Ben doubts himself. Feels himself tripping, but he manages to catch himself. He wants to give up. Give in. He thinks of Rey. His mother. His father… gone, because of the monster. His uncle. Everything from his past, and all his hopes for the future. He feels unworthy. He feels ripped raw as the words tear at him. He clasps his hands over his ears, but it does him no good. The light inside him flickering… fading. “Y-you need me,” he whimpers with such uncertainly, more frightened than he’s ever felt before. Not even Snoke terrifies him like this._

_“I NEED NO ONE! I HAVE TASTED SNOKE’S VERY SOUL! HIS POWER! IT’S MINE!”_

_“You need me,” he almost whispers, stumbling to the ground hard. The laughter echoes all around him, mocking his aching body, his strained muscles that have given up the fight._

_The wall of shadows descends upon him, shrinking down, forming the man… the demon hunting for his soul. Lips press close to Ben’s ear. “Of what use are you to me? There’s barely enough light in you to fill a room.”_

_“Rey wouldn’t want this,” he tries to protest, rolling onto his back to stare into the black and red eyes of Kylo Ren… changed. Somehow Snoke has done this. Fed him a darkness not even Kylo Ren can absorb properly. He’s mad… just as before. Blood-thirsty and filled with greed. “You know Rey wouldn’t want this.”_

_He sees the flicker of hesitation, but it’s gone in the blink of an eye. “Rey is mine now. Together we’ll rule this galaxy… her light and my darkness.”_

_Ben shakes his head. “She won’t.”_

_Kylo’s anger flares. “We shall see.”_

*******

Kylo could feel Master Luke’s presence near, his powers reaching out to assess each broken piece of him. He felt the spark inside his uncle, calling to him. He could take it now and solve all of this, but something was holding him back. Death was squeezing at him like a viper. He couldn’t feel his limbs anymore. The throbbing was beginning to fade. He needed to destroy the light inside him. It was the only way he could save himself. “Rey… I… I-I don’t think I can fix this. Too many of his organs are failing. He’s barely alive.”

“What? No! He promised! He said he was coming back! He PROMISED!”

“Luke, you’re the most powerful Jedi left! You _must_ save my son! There must be something we can do for him!”

“I can’t! He’s too far gone! I… I don’t know what to do! Healing is one thing, but this… I have no mastery over _death_.”

“NO!” He heard Rey’s sobs through the haze, her hands were reaching out to grasp his face. He wanted so badly to look upon her. To tell her it would be alright. He knew the secrets… the secrets to avoiding this fate. He’d read all the scrolls. He’d trained with Snoke in preparation for this eventuality. “Ben! Ben, you listen to me! You’re stronger than anyone I’ve ever known! You can do this! I’m right here! You’re not alone! Feel me, Ben! Hear my voice! Let me in!”

Kylo’s lips parted, wanting so badly to reach for her, to reassure her. He was choking on his own blood, but he managed to squeeze out her name. “R-Rey….”

*******

_Ben feels her. Her light. He doesn’t know how, but he feels her. She’s holding him in her arms, and he feels the aching sorrow, the overwhelming **need**. His family is in danger if he lets go. It cannot end like this. He knows he needs to fight. Fight his fears. Fight his weakness. Face the darkness. Face Kylo Ren._

_He isn’t alone. He knows that now. She’s calling to him through their bond. His light flickers and burns. He stares up into the dark eyes of his demon, and he knows this is it. A choice. Give in, or keep fighting? Stand strong, or go quietly into the night? He’s not ready to die. Not today._

_Ben’s hand slides down his stomach towards his belt, while Kylo circles him. The red glow of death lights up the night, rising to make its strike. He feels his hands grip the hilt of something metal… durasteel. A crossguard. It wasn’t there before. It is now. Kylo swings down just as Ben ignites his own weapon and feels the heat of their blades… only inches from his face._

_Kylo laughs. “Looks like you have some fight in you yet, Ben Solo.”_

_“You bet your ass, I do,” he growls, shoving Kylo’s saber up just enough to roll away. He watches sparks fly as the blade cuts through the snow where he’d once been. Ben scrambles to his feet and stares Kylo down. Their lightsabers fiery and bright, glowing red and white. “I’m done running from you, Kylo!”_

_“Good… that will make the kill much more satisfying.” Kylo screams as he runs towards Ben, swinging down hard, but Solo deflects the blow. They are a match. Of one mind, but two differing styles. Kylo is reckless and powerful. Ben is careful and strategic. Neither seems to notice the world crumbling around them. Their conscious minds eaten up by their body’s impending failure. All that matters is this fight. This war destined by the Force. Light verses darkness. There can be no balance now._

*******

Just a little closer. Kylo could feel Luke’s spark burning. So much power. He could almost taste it. He needed it. He wouldn’t survive otherwise. There was no other way. He could feel Rey clutching him so hard, trying to reach out through the bond, but not quite making it through. He couldn’t let her in. Couldn’t let her know what was happening, what he was planning. She’d only keep him from his destiny. He would not be denied.

Darth Vader’s destiny was to die, but it was Rey that had convinced him he might be meant for something different. It was Rey that insisted it didn’t have to end like this. He could take what he wanted. He could _kill_ Luke Skywalker and save himself. He had the power within him. He just needed to reach out. Ben was trying to hold him back. Keep him from the kill. Pathetic fool! He refused to die like this. Not now with everything at his fingertips.

“Ben,” Rey whispered. “Show me what to do. Please. There’s something you’re keeping from me. Keeping from yourself. Please! Please show me how to save you….”

Luke’s spark. It was the only way. Surely she would understand. His spark was the only one powerful enough to heal Kylo… save him from the cold. He tried to speak again, but he was still sputtering blood. Barely holding on. Why couldn’t Ben Solo just _die_?!

*******

_Ben’s lightsaber is shining brighter and brighter with each second that passes. Rey continues to call to him. Begging him to come back, to fulfill his promise. He cannot fail her. He cannot fail himself. He knows what this fight means. A tree shakes and crashes between him and Kylo. Both hop on, struggling for balance, clashing once again. Ben aims low, and Kylo goes high. Their sabers spin as they jump and twirl. A dance of struggle and hardship. Life and death._

_Kylo advances. Ben retreats. He blocks each blow. He knows he can win this. He feels it in his bones. He was brought so close to extinction, but something kept him going when he ought to have died. The Force. His destiny. The light of another he’d yet to meet. Ben Solo was taught from an early age to hope. As his mother once hoped. Her hope changed the stars. It resides in him too._

_“You don’t stand a chance in a galaxy of pain, Ben Solo! I protected you! I shielded you from all of it! Absorbed the darkness! Let it consume me!”_

_“And look what you’ve become! A monster! A beast! Snoke’s poisoned you! Twisted you! The dark doesn’t have to be this! This is not balance!”_

_“THERE CAN BE NO BALANCE!” Kylo rages, attacking from the side and forcing Ben to flip away. Ren’s blade cuts through the air, just missing him. Ben is running out of tree quickly, but his world is fading fast. Soon there will be nothing left to save._

_He knows he must end this. He advances, and their lightsabers meet in the middle, crossing each other. Kylo’s strength verses Ben’s. They grunt from the strain. “There is no emotion, there is peace.”_

_Kylo’s eyes are glowing red, sweat dripping from his face. “Peace is a lie, there is only passion!” he spits, angrily. Ben is unaffected. Passion is temporary, it builds like a wave and eventually crashes into the sands. Peace is what he feels when he’s in Rey’s arms._

_Ben’s lips curl into a smile. He presses forward, one step after another. Forcing Kylo back. “There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.”_

_“Through passion, I gain strength!” Kylo wails, staggering back further, his darkness flickers. The code of the Sith cannot help him. His passion for Rey is no strength without control. He wields his passion with ignorance. Knowledge of the past shines a light on the pitfalls of his grandfather. Ben will not make the same mistakes with Rey._

_His voice becomes strong as his confidence grows, his light shining brighter than it ever has before. “There is no passion, there is serenity.”_

_Ren shudders, eyes wide. “Through strength, I gain power!” Power will not protect him when Rey rejects what Kylo’s become. He will be torn apart all over again. Serenity is in the fight for redemption and forgiveness… with Rey guiding him down the right path._

_Ben takes another step, watching as Kylo’s footing is almost lost. Several pieces of bark fall into the black void that used to be snow. “There is no chaos, there is harmony.”_

_Kylo’s panting, grunting, desperately trying to hold on. “Through power, I gain victory!” Ben wonders at what cost. This lust will only destroy the force bond. He will lose everything just as grandfather did. Harmony is when Rey’s mind touches his own and for a moment they are truly one._

_His light burns deep inside him like a fire. “There is no death, there is the Force.”_

_He watches his demon howl angrily, fighting the inevitable. “Through victory, my chains are broken. The Force shall free me!” What is freedom if he is alone? The Force is everywhere and in everything, and it welcomes all luminous beings when their time comes. It will welcome Kylo… it is his destiny._

_Ben twists his saber just as Kylo is distracted by the tree trunk now shaking and crumbling around them. He watches the dark side scream as his hands are cut clean off and he drops to his knees. Solo could kill him now. End this, but instead he leans down and presses his forehead to Kylo’s, eyes closing. He absorbs the darkness in a breath. Not Snoke’s darkness. Only his own. He does not need protecting. He does not need a shield. Kylo is right. They can’t go on like this. He cannot keep hiding from what has always been there… part of him, but not master over him._

_Ben aim’s his saber toward’s Kylo’s heart. “Neither light, nor darkness. The Force demands the balance,” he tells the monster… the demon. He watches as the blade pierces Kylo Ren through, sees the red fade from Kylo’s eyes._

_He immediately extinguishes his saber and drops it, holding onto the creature in his arms. Watching his breath become shallow and weak. “Take care of her,” Kylo demands weakly, and there’s a strange pride in his voice… as if Ben has finally pleased him._

_“Always,” Solo assures him._

*******

He could feel her reaching out to him, trying to rip the bond open so she could pour herself into his mind. She was desperate, rocking him gently, clinging to him so tight. One last secret inside him, a gift from his father and the Force. Ben could feel himself fading fast. His heart slowing. Starved for oxygen. Sweet Rey… always giving him the strength to carry on. With everything he had left, Ben reached out towards her and held her face as she held his.

Rey’s eyes opened to meet his gaze. “Ben?”

He couldn’t speak. Could only stare at her. He thought about the day they met in the forest, when she truly awakened _him_. He thought about their first kiss… through the bond and in the real world. He thought about the way he’d felt when he slipped inside her for the first time… in body and mind. Their wedding. His promise. Everything that led to this moment. Ben knew it wasn’t all for nothing. _“Rey.”_

_“I’m here… please, please don’t leave me.”_

_“Listen to me now. It has never been more important. Let me be your teacher… one last time.”_

_“I… I don’t understand!”_

Ben heaved and coughed, fighting so hard to hold on. He could feel the darkness narrowing his vision. _“The Force is in everything. In every atom. In every cell. That is the power we control, Rey. That is the gift we wield. We use it to destroy… but we can… we can also use it to create. To restore. Find that power within yourself, Rey… and y-you… you will never be alone. Create your destiny. Re-write the stars.”_ He could no longer see her, but he felt the tears fall against his face. _“I-it’s the only way you can s-sa-”_

Darkness engulfed him so suddenly it stopped his heart. It felt like floating in space. He felt detached from everything around him. Numb. Cold. There were no stars. No planets. Ben was scattering like ashes. Being pulled apart in a hundred different directions. He didn’t fight it. He didn’t resist. This was what it was… to be one with the Force. He willingly gave in to it, splintering one last time.

And yet….

Strange. A burst of energy unlike anything he’d felt before. What was torn apart was being put back together again. The splinters re-align. He was being restored. One molecule at a time. His light. His darkness. His memories. Feeling. He could feel it all coming back together piece by piece. Rewinding the battering of his body. Destiny bowing to the will of another, or perhaps working through it. His heart squeezing and stuttering until a jolt sent it into a steady rhythm. His lungs filling with air as his jaw dropped and he gasped.

Ben’s back arched up as his eyes flew open, his body tingling with the sensation of pins and needles. His nails dug into the durasteel floor, scratching the paint with inhuman strength. “Ben!” Rey cried out as his body continued to jolt and jerk, glowing with the bright blue electricity that consumed him. _Life._ She’d brought him back. Restored him.

“W-what’s happening?!”

“Stand back Leia, careful!” Luke warned.

“How the hell is she doing that?!” Finn questioned, astonished by what he was seeing.

Rey was still holding onto him. Her hands glowing with the same light, feeding it into his body as every cell renewed itself. The pain faded from his body and warmth spread through-out his bones. His eyes held onto hers. Rey’s mind reaching out to him, and all he could feel was her overwhelming love and devotion. It washed over him, pierced through him, like nothing he’d ever felt before. 

“Dark transfer…” he heard his uncle whisper in awe.

Ben could take it no more. Being ripped from life, and then ripped from death, too much for his mind to comprehend. He cried out as the last few pieces of himself slid into place. His body repaired and returned to perfect health. The glow of energy fading, releasing him. It left him panting from the shock. His head dropped back to the ground with a thud as he blinked. Everyone was silent, staring at the strange miracle they’d just witnessed. Ben struggled to find his voice. “Kriff… you actually did it.”

Rey was staring back at him with wide eyes, and he could see her confusion, using his knowledge to save him… yet without any idea what she’d done. “You’re alive.”

He let out a booming laugh, shaking with his amusement and surprise. The sound echoed through Snoke’s destroyed throne room. He couldn’t stop. He felt delirious. Everyone was staring. Not quite believing. Not daring to hope that it was possible. That was the thing about the Force. It’s power was unlimited. It’s potential… unimaginable. _Luminous beings_ … as Yoda had once said. “Rey… there you go… always saving me,” he finally teased. He’d escaped death itself… twice… a good reason for his jovial mood.

His wife almost killed him all over again with the strength of her embrace. His arms wrapped around her as he tried to soothe her, knowing how hard she was fighting not to break down. “I… I thought I’d lost you, Ben,” she sobbed.

“I already told ya, Sweetheart… I’ll come back.”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this chapter didn't fuck you guys up too badly. I was pretty heavy on the angst, but things are finally getting better. Next chapter will be emotional, but in a good way. I felt like this was a fitting end to Kylo Ren. He's not truly gone or forgotten, but he could not live on as he was before. 
> 
> Dark transfer is a Force ability from Star Wars Legends, and was used by a descendant of Luke Skywalker named Cade Skywalker. It can be used by both the dark side and the light side, however I believe it works best when used with balance of light and dark. This ability is an INCREDIBLY rare Force ability, but I believe if anyone could possess it, it would be Rey. To me, Rey is like rebirth just as Ben Solo is destruction. They both have a part to play in keeping the balance of this galaxy.
> 
> Please comment and let me know what you think though! I'd really love to know!


	29. “Played With Matches, it Hurt Like Hell”

**“You showed me heaven, you rang up bells  
I played with matches, it hurt like hell  
Asleep and wake, you're all I see  
I can't escape you, can't set you free  
I miss your full moon rising, catching a breath in silence  
Can't stop this bleeding, can't stop believing  
I'm missing the sound of your heart beating” – Shawn Hook ‘Sound Of Your Heart’**

She’d felt him slip away from her. His heart stopped. Lungs swelling with blood. Body going numb. His vision going black. She’d felt all of it. Every agonizing second. Watching everything that ever mattered to her slipping though her fingers like the sands.

Rey hadn’t thought it possible to feel such agony. To watch her heart and soul be torn from her so completely as he fell into the void. It felt like dying with him. A madness so endless and terrifying that she felt sick to her stomach. Her limbs trembled from the shock, and her head was throbbing from the brief loss of their connection. She’d felt him reach out to her even as his light was fading, begging her to save him one last time… and somehow… she had. He was in her arms. Her Ben. Her husband. He was alive. Everything was whole again, as if the sands had never left her hand. 

“I’m here, Sweetheart. Just breathe. I’m here,” he whispered soothingly, rubbing her back.

The tears continued to fall even as she struggled to put herself back together again. She felt like glass, shattered and jagged, with only Ben’s voice to collect her missing pieces. She’d almost… she’d almost splintered… almost lost everything. Yet now he was solid in her arms. Covered in his own blood, but the wounds had been completely healed. Light and darkness swirled inside his mind with a harmony she’d never felt before. Something significant had changed.

“Rey?” Finn called, gently.

No, no, no… she wasn’t ready to let go of him yet. She just wanted to listen. Listen to his lungs fill with air, the sound felt like music. The steady rhythm of his heart beating, adding to this organic symphony. The warmth of his body, chasing away this numbness deep inside. His lips pressing against the top of her head as he sat up and rocked her gently. "You did it, sweetheart. It’s going to be okay. I’m not leaving you ever again. I promise. Never again.”

No, never again. She won’t let him out of her sight. It was too much to demand of her. Too much to endure. 

Rey wiped away her tears on his neck and held his gaze. His eyes seem so bright, so filled with hope and love, swirling with chocolate browns and liquid gold. It was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. She kissed him without thought to her audience. His hands cupped her face as she poured every emotion that stirred inside her into his mouth. Her love. Her devotion. Her unending _need_. 

How could he do that to her? How could he make her go through that? He’d almost died in her arms. She deepened the kiss, desperate to be closer, trying to convey something that couldn’t be explained with words. Her hands gripped at his hair, matted with dried blood. His tongue slipped alongside hers, just as eager for her affection, just as grateful for this gift… this miracle.

“Somebody wanna fill me in?!” cried Leia Organa, and the sudden boom of her voice finally pulled them apart as their eyes rose to the Resistance General.

Luke was standing beside her with a smile on his face, looking far too amused at the awkwardness of this situation. “Ahhh sis?”

General Organa slowly turned towards Luke, eyes narrowing suspiciously. “Luke?” she responded, cautiously.

Rey felt Ben’s thumb glide along her cheek softly before he pulled away and together they rose to their feet. His eyes were darting between the twins as if he wasn’t sure quite how to process this moment. An awkward family reunion to say the least. Master Luke took a breath, ducking down to hide his smirk, and for a moment Rey saw the boyish gleam she’d seen in holos. “You’re new daughter-in-law just raised your son from the dead. I don’t think we have time to explain the full story.”

“Dau-daughter-in-law?” Leia questioned with wide eyes, snapping back to look at Ben and Rey. “Wha-”

“Do we really wanna discuss this now?! Snoke might be gone, but his followers aren’t… and I really don’t want Rey testing out her new powers on the rest of us!” Finn urged, with a roll of his eyes. His eyes briefly made contact with hers, and there was a mixture of awe and trepidation in his gaze.

Ben leaned down to fetch his lightsaber, igniting it immediately. Rey didn’t miss the way Leia jumped, as if petrified he’d be using it against her. Her husband seemed to notice as well, his eyes weary as he took her in, and then turned away. She could see the pained expression on his face. Feel an echoing of memories through their bond. Still so much hurt between them.

_“Please, no! Don’t send me away, mommy! I’ll be better! I promise! I’ll be good! I’ll be **good**!”_

Rey’s chest tightened at the sound… the sobbing of a desperate boy begging for his family just as she’d cried out for hers. Even now she felt the pain and betrayal cut through him, just as strongly as she felt the relief that his mother was unharmed. “Finn’s right. We need to move to the command center and finish this. By now our troops will have had to retreat… which means the base will be flooded with Stormtroopers. The command center will be heavily guarded.”

“Is there another way we could gain access to the superweapon? We _are_ in Snoke’s throne room, after all,” Finn pointed out, his eyes remaining alert to possible threats just around the corner. Rey watched as his finger held tight on the trigger, the instincts of a soldier… why did she keep forgetting that?

Ben’s lips curled. “You have a point. Snoke insisted on control over everything. His lust for power demanded it. He wanted the ability to oversee the weapon… to control all of them at once with the Force. I often heard him discussing this with General Hux. It’s possible we could rig something up from here.”

Finn jutted out his chin, proudly. “I’ll stand guard.”

“You’ll need help. Somebody find me a blaster,” Organa demanded.

Luke immediately stiffened, obviously not too pleased with the idea. “Leia I don’t think-”

“Don’t start with me, Luke! I’m not just going to sit around while others fight this battle for me. You three find a way to make your plan work… while Commander Finn and I watch your back,” Ben’s mother insisted. Rey could see the fire in Leia’s eyes, and her lips curled. In some ways, her husband was so much like his father, but at times like these, she was reminded that he was equal parts General Leia Organa.

Finn was already handing her the blaster of a dead Stormtrooper when Ben walked over to his uncle and gripped his arm. “You know better than to argue with her about this… even father was sensible enough to pick his battles. We must hurry, Uncle.”

Luke sighed and flashed a glare at his sister, while she and Finn took their positions, ready to shoot anyone that came down the connecting corridor. “Some things never change,” the Jedi Master grumbled, and Rey got the feeling this wasn’t the first time he’d found himself in such a predicament. The Skywalker family were truly a force to be reckoned with….

*******

Leia and Finn had been forced to fall back and take cover under the large twisted metal from the walls of Snoke’s throne room. They were doing their best to keep the Stormtroopers back, but the firing never stopped. It was as if these men were intentionally _trying_ to die for the cause. Their behavior was reckless, and Rey winced at the loud boom of explosions nearby, spraying them with sparks as power conduits were destroyed. “I’m not sure how long I can make this work!” she confessed, glancing up at Luke and Ben. “This console gives me direct access to everything, but its power is unstable and any minute everything could short out!”

“We’ll have to make due with what we have. There’s no way we’d ever reach the command center! It’s like a switch has flipped! Every Stormtrooper pouring in at this location. It could be something in their programming… I’ve never seen anything like this before!” Ben growled. “I’ll make sure nothing hits this console. I’m no good to you over here, so I’ll try to help my mother and Finn-”

Her arm gripped him before he could even turn, and she doesn’t bother to hide the anxiety that was twisting in her gut. _“Don’t leave. Don’t leave. Don’t leave.”_

Ben’s eyes widened. He leaned down closer to her, holding her wide-eyed gaze. “I’m right here. I’m in the room. Not far. Never again. You hear me, Rey? It’s done. Snoke is gone. I’m not going anywhere.”

The panic blooming in her chest faded, but it doesn’t quite go away. Her grip tightened. She captured his lips in a brutal kiss, needing the comfort of his lips solid against hers. “Stay close. I need to see you.”

He immediately nodded, his eyes warm, looking far less haunted than before this fight began. “Rey… you’re my better half… if I left your side I’d be torn apart.” He was making a joke, but she didn’t find it particularly funny. This was a side of her husband she could surely do without after what he’d made her go through. Ben rolled his eyes. “Just get that interface up and running! We have to end this!”

Rey sighed, finally letting him go, and watched as he rushed over towards Finn and General Organa. He deflected blasters with his lightsaber, used the Force to curve them into walls. Already it provided significant relief, and Rey wasn’t quite so worried about one of those Stormtroopers overloading something. She turned to Master Luke as she twisted the final wires together. “I don’t know if this will work.”

“We have to try.” Luke’s eyes darkened as he turned on the interface one last time. The light was flashing green on Ben’s interface device, and Luke closed his eyes, attempting to concentrate.

“What do you feel?” she found herself asking, eyes roving over her Master’s haggard face.

Luke took a calming breath, but she could see his jaw clench. “Weapons… so many weapons at his disposal. So much power. I… I sense all of them. The Star Destroyers. The bases. All of it. Oh god… it’s so much more than we realized! I don’t think we knew what Snoke was doing… I don’t think we could even comprehend. So much control. The potential for destruction… endless. I feel it, Rey. _All_ of it. They call to me.”

Rey’s eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. “Call to you? Master, I don’t understand!”

“ _Use me_. Th-they’ve lied dormant. Waiting for their time. I feel the dark side flowing through them. Oh my… Rey, how is this possible?! Crystals… dark crystals… bleeding and splintering in every weapon… seeking out the darkness… calling to me.”

Rey didn’t like this. Something felt wrong. Something was happening to her Master. “Resist it! Master, you must resist!”

“I can end this! I can end it right now! That was Ben’s plan! Destroy the First Order in one fell swoop! Erase them from the stars!” Luke’s voice trembled, and his eyebrows wrinkled with such anguish and conflict. “What was Snoke building?! Oh god… what was he planning?! An abomination… so much power! I feel everything! So many lives in my hands!”

She watched as his hand slammed against the wall, making her jump, and the metal hand reached out for her shoulder. He was spiraling. She’d seen this with Ben. She’d seen it with herself. Watched the dark side twist and tear… like poison in the mind if it was poured in excess. “You have to find your balance, Master! Find your light! Ben… me… your sister… everyone that loves you! Your father… his voice… his love for you. The weapon is bleeding the dark side… it’s… it’s trying to feed you its power! That must be how Snoke was planning to control so much! Somehow it becomes symbiotic with the user! You MUST find your light!”

Luke was gripping her too hard, enough to bruise, breathing turning ragged as he struggled under the onslaught of dark energy. Something ancient and powerful was implanted in these machines… something they’d never been prepared for. Her own senses were assaulted with panic as she reached out towards her Master in the Force. She could feel him wavering. His fears. His guilt. He hadn’t been there for Ben. He’d failed Han Solo, his friend. So many deaths on his conscious. So many lives that demanded vengeance. It was no wonder he’d run. 

“Master! Master look at me!” Luke hesitated at first, but eventually his eyes opened and Rey gasped as she saw his eyes flash yellow. He was so completely filled with the dark that there was no room for anything else. There had to be a way to reach him. His grip on her shoulders grew painful… almost enough to send her to her knees. “You are a Skywalker! It’s more than just a name! You are the very last Jedi, Luke! You must remember who you are! You’re our only hope!” Rey thought about all the times he’d guided her, given her perspective when she’d felt lost. She belonged to Ben… and this was Ben’s family. Her family. Not by blood… but by love. Rey held his face and gasped as his grip continued to tighten. “Luke… please.”

His eyes seemed to widen then, and for a moment she could sense something in her Master, so much pain in those eyes. So much loss. So much fear. Ben’s family was a curse to this galaxy, but it was also a blessing. She felt his burden, a load taken on long before his birth. The blood burning in his veins just as powerful as the stars. So many lives in the palm of his hand. Haunted by a destiny only his family could fulfill… the price paid for their power in the Force. “I… I can’t… use it.”

Rey glanced over at Ben, knowing he wouldn’t approve, but it felt right. She refocused on her Master. “Then don’t. Burn it! Burn the darkness from the inside. Resist it! Destroy it! Make the dark side yield to you! Destroy every weapon, everything under your control! You are a Skywalker, Luke! FIND YOUR BALANCE!”

Luke’s eyes shut tight and his roar echoed through Snoke’s throne room, bouncing off the walls as if the sound were a living thing. He released his grip on her just as the console beside her blew. Rey jumped back, eyes wide, unsure what was happening. Terrified that it was too late. They’d failed....

Then suddenly darkness. Silence. Everything went unbelievably still.

Luke dropped to the ground and Rey rushed to his side. The entire power system for the base… had that been her Master? What had he done? “Rey?!” Ben called out, his voice sounding so desperate.

“I… I don’t know what he’s done!” she confessed. She couldn’t see anything but the glow of Ben’s saber as he rushed towards her. “Master?” No response. “Luke!”

Ben finally returned to her side, waving his lightsaber over Luke’s face. When he reached out towards his Uncle he sighed in relief. “I think he’s okay. Help me get him up! We need to get out of here now!”

“What about the other Stormtroopers that were attacking?”

Her husband paused, frowning. “I… I used the Force to reach out to them. Just as the lights went out… I think… I think I put them to sleep.”

“Sleep?”

“Like I did to you when we first met and you fell into my arms.”

So many Stormtroopers. Rey’s mind struggled to comprehend. “How?!”

She could hear Ben swallow audibly in the darkness. “Rey I… I can’t explain. I could sense them all and I reached out. My mind was so clear… so in focus… like how I felt on Tython. I saw the solution with such clarity and I did it. I… I made them all sleep.”

Rey reached out to him through the bond, feeling the swirl of balance. Darkness and light. The Force working through him like never before. _“Kylo?”_ she called out in his mind.

Ben’s voice was all that answered back. _“Gone… Rey… I’m sorry, but he’s gone.”_

*******

They’d stepped over so many bodies as they made their escape. The entire planet was deathly still. No one said a word, simply stared in wonder, unable to comprehend how Ben could have stretched his powers so far. Then again, perhaps it wasn’t so crazy considering she’d brought Ben back from the dead.

It felt significant. This great burst of power from them both. Rey could feel the darkness inside her swirling like never before, working evenly with her light. The darkness of her parent’s sacrifice, her pain at being left alone… and the light of hope and family… the family Ben had given her. Her balance and his… found together as with everything else. The balance had made them powerful… the Force… unlimited in its power as they tapped into it whole. It wasn’t made to be used in halves. She understood that now.

Luke was still unconscious, but Ben took much of the weight as they rushed back towards the ship. They couldn’t be sure how long the Stormtroopers would sleep. She didn’t even know what Luke had done to the weapons, couldn’t be sure if he’d managed to destroy them or not. The plan had been to turn burn everything, but firing a weapon using so much dark energy… it would have been wrong. Somehow… she’d realized it was the weapon that needed to die… not the planets. Her Master had taken enough lives in his lifetime. He wouldn’t have survived this.

They made it back to the Falcon quickly, and carefully laid Luke down on one of the beds. Chewbacca was already taking off by the time they entered the cockpit. Leia had promised to stay with her brother, already stroking his bearded face with affection. Her eyes shined with love for her brother.

Only a few soldiers had survived the battle, most of the wounded were in the number two hold. They’d suffered so many losses springing this trap Snoke had set for them. So many dead… and countless others that had been fighting above them, distraction the First Order, keeping them far away from Snoke and the fortress. Rey could barely comprehend what this war had cost them. She didn’t even want to think about it.

Finn kept looking between Rey and Ben, his expression indecipherable, and she worried he’d seen something he didn’t like. Something that would break them for good. His friendship meant so much to her, but this day had taken a toll on them all. When Finn finally offered to co-pilot with Chewie, she eager accepted and took Ben’s hand. He didn’t even hesitate to follow her.

*******

“Kylo… is… dead?” The words caught in her throat, and she hadn’t expected to feel like this. There was an emptiness in her chest she wasn’t prepared for. Rey didn’t know how to feel. The dual personalities that had resided in Ben, so profoundly different, and yet they’d both become so dear to her. Her eyes filled with tears that she tried to blink back, confused as to why they should even be there to begin with.

Ben seemed to understand her struggle. His eyes lowered to the floor of the main hold where they’d hidden themselves away to talk. She could see the pain in his eyes, as if he’s lost someone dear to him. “I hated him. I blamed him for so much of who I am, but I think I finally get it now. I’ve been splintering for far longer than that day I killed my father. I _was_ weak. He took on everything I couldn’t. H-he protected me from Snoke all my life. Snoke was feeding his darkness into me, like that weapon was doing to Luke. Kylo Ren was his creation… and mine. He took on the darkness until it was all too much. Made wild by the dark, poisoned and twisted until nothing of me was left. Snoke kept feeding the monster… trying to control something more powerful than he could have ever imagined. Then the monster turned on his master… and when it was over there was only me left. I… I think he knew it was his destiny to die.”

Rey found herself drifting in memories of her time with Kylo Ren… his insistence that it was his destiny to burn. To follow in Dark Vader’s footsteps. Not Anakin’s… Vader’s footsteps. _His_ legacy. She’d refused to listen, not quite comprehending what he’d meant. “He had to finish what his grandfather started… right down to the end.”

Ben sniffed, turning to lean back against the cold durasteel wall. “My greatest enemy… myself. What Kylo became… he was _me_ , Rey. He was part of me and I killed him. He died in my arms releasing his darkness into me like a gift… giving me balance in a way I’d never thought possible. I feel _whole_ , Rey… finally whole.”

He sounded so amazed, and she immediately tucked herself into his arms. “I… remembered my family today. Who they were. Being on that base finally revealed the truth buried deep inside. My parents. Snoke killed them. Did you know?”

He shook his head. “Not exactly. I… my father locked away so much inside my mind. I couldn’t access the knowledge all at once. He showed me something… a vision of you screaming in agony as Snoke reached out with the Force. I knew I had to protect you. I couldn’t let him anywhere near you. Your parents died saving you from him, and I knew I would sooner die than see that vision become true.”

Rey felt her heart twist and bleed inside her chest as his words hit her. “But… but you did die. I felt you. I felt you leave me.”

Ben pulled her close, kissing the top of her head as the tears began to fall. She couldn’t hold back the sobs as memories washed over her. Her parents. Ben. All that she’d lost… and all that she’d come so close to losing. It was far too much. Her husband rocked her gently as she buried herself in his chest, breaking down so completely, assaulted by memories of a smile and a finger. Skinned and raw as she remembered those few moments when there was no bond… when there was no Ben Solo.

All he could do was hold her, and all she wanted in that moment was to be held. She didn’t know memories could hurt so much. She didn’t know she could feel this much. The light within her flickered, but then Ben’s light began to pour in through the bond. Keeping her in balance as she spiraled. Promising her that the worst was over now.

“Sweetheart… hey… please don’t cry. You’re not alone. You hear me? No more waiting. No more marking walls. You’ll fall asleep in my arms for the rest of our lives. The scavenger and the monster… what a pair we make.”

Rey’s lips curled despite the tears, and she lifted her head to look up at Ben. “I love you.”

His returning smile was so much like his father’s, though she didn’t dare tell him. “I know.”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like the idea that the light side and the dark side were never meant to be used in halves. That truly power is in the balance, and one's gifts become limitless when used together.
> 
> The question is, what did Luke Skywalker actually do? And what will be the fallout? Sooo many questions! Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Comments are always appreciated!


	30. “Force of Nature”

**“Cause you're a force of nature  
Look at what you've done  
I can taste the danger but I don't wanna run  
So pull me to the ground and I won't put up a fight  
I'm a caution taker, but baby you're a force of nature  
Baby you're a force of nature” – Bea Miller ‘Force of Nature’**

_She’s touching him everywhere. Her hands roam over his bare chest, molding her mouth to his with such force he can hardly breathe. Nothing has ever tasted so sinful, her tongue sliding and tangling with his. Wet and demanding, beckoning him inside her mouth. He presses her into the glass and she shivers against the smooth surface. He knows what she needs. So long since they’ve shared this. The dream._

_Ben breaks their kiss to nip and suck at her neck, just under her chin. She tastes like sweat. Rey tilts her head back and arches for better access. Her nails dig into his hips. He’s too tall or she’s too short. It’s an uncomfortable position, but he drifts lower along her collarbone, refusing to be gentle when there’s no fear of actual damage. He wants her. He wants her right now against the window… with the stars twinkling just beyond. Let the galaxy see their passion. Let the universe hear their cries of pleasure._

_One hand reaches for her breast, teasing her nipple between his thumb and finger, enjoying the way it hardens against his skin. His lips latch on to the other breast, suckling it so deep into his mouth. Rey cries out, arching her back as far as she can. He’s almost certain he could spend the rest of his life trying to fit her entire breast into his mouth. Ben growls into her chest, sucking even harder, teeth gently scraping her skin. Rey’s hands bury into his hair, pressing his face into her chest. His nose crushes flat against her skin._

_“Ben… oh!” Rey moans, panting. His palm squeezes her other tit, massaging it, enjoying the way it fits into his large hand. His left hand digs into her hip, keeping her still even as she jerks and shudders under his dual attack. Such a wild thing in this state. He likes it when she loses control. Her mind no longer capable of coherent thought. All she knows is need. Instinct. So far gone in sensation… and this carnal craving that has her wet between the legs._

_Eventually, he’s forced to pull his mouth away from her chest, lips curling as he watches it glisten with his saliva. He allows himself a moment to admire the abuse, knowing when the dream is over her skin will be untouched. He lifts his lips to her ear, giving the outer shell a teasing lick. “Do you want me inside you, Rey? Tell me now… or I’ll make the decision for us both.”_

_Rey whimpers and whines at his words. It takes so much effort to form words. He likes watching her struggle. It touches upon something primal in his gut to see his mate so fragmented by his touch. “Please… I need you so much!” she begs. “Take me to the bed.”_

_“No!” His voice is soft but firm. “Right here… against the window.”_

_His hands skim against her ribs and towards her bottom. He cups each cheek, giving a firm squeeze before he lifts her off the ground. She doesn’t even have time to respond to his demands. Her legs instinctually wrap around his hips. Her arms are around the back of his neck, clinging to him. He wastes no time to make sure she’s wet for him. He knows she is. He feels her. Feels how desperate she is to be filled, to have him deep inside her. So much has happened. She needs to feel his heart beating against her chest. Alive. Solid against her bare skin._

_Ben enters her with a snap of his hips and his eyes flutter closed as she screams. She’s so tight around him. Muscles are fluttering around him. They give way to his hardened member buried deep inside her cunt. He allows her no time to adjust. Thrusting. Desperate. Drinking in her whimpers. Savoring the tears that wet her face as he makes her whole. This is theirs. Always theirs. This joining of souls and bodies. So completely novel, yet the rocking of his hips is as ancient as the stars now watching them._

_He’s losing himself in her. He can’t stop. Deeper. Harder. He will bury himself inside her till he can go no further. Feel the head of his cock press against her cervix. Rey is crying out his name, tightening her grip. “Please, please, please… deeper. Deeper inside me. I need to feel it. Need to feel you.”_

_He’s alive. She brought him back. Ben’s lips seek her mouth as his tongue delves into her. He needs her in ways he cannot express. Needs to feel her light him up. His senses on fire. Deeper. Harder. He could do this for hours, days, months… an eternity. An eternity inside the love of his life. This is bliss, and he doesn’t want it to end._

_Ben can feel the buildup. Her pleasure like water gaining speed as it’s ready to crash against the shore. They’ll fall together. Her heat searing his skin. Her inner walls squeezing around him. Sweat dripping down his back. He doesn’t stop. He will never stop. This is theirs. Their moment. Their pleasure. She’s rising higher and higher, pulling him with her. He can hear the slapping of skin and the slickness of her heat drawing him deep inside._

_“Come on, Rey. Do you feel me? All for you. Come for me, sweetheart. Please!” He’s alive. Pumping into her recklessly. Pounding into her heat with such desperation and need. She breaks the kiss as her head snaps back against the glass._

_“Ben… yes! More! Don’t stop!”_

_How could he? Why would he? His eyes burn as he watches her. The light of the stars make her glow like a goddess. In this moment she burns brighter than the stars. Her strength bringing the winds to shame. The heat rising and rising… till he finally feels it. She’s coming so hard it knocks the air from his lungs. Her pleasure crashing into him over and over again. He can feel her milking him, begging for his seed._

_Ben is the shore… ready to meet her. Like scattered sands he falls apart. He slams inside her and comes deep inside. Fills her to the brim. She gladly accepts everything he has to give. “Rey!” he gasps against her, seeking her mouth. She’s kissing him so hard. Urgently. Drawing him into her even as he softens._

_He finally breaks the kiss, panting, heart beating so wildly he’s worried it might never calm. Rey catches his gaze, still holding him tightly. “It’s just a dream.”_

_“Our dream.”_

_Her hips press firmly into him and he’s already hardening inside her. “I’m not ready for it to be over just yet.”_

_Oh yeah. There’s so many advantages to making love like this…._

*******

“Ben?”

Ben’s head snapped up, sucking in air, pulled suddenly from the peaceful lull of sleep. Rey was in his lap, her face buried into his chest, with his protective arms wrapped around her. She was still blissfully unconscious. Her side of the bond remained still and quiet. His eyes roved over her with a gentle fondness before he realized it’d been someone else calling his name. He yawned quietly, letting his head drop back against the durasteel wall, ignoring the fact that his legs had fallen asleep under his wife’s weight. 

It took several seconds for him to comprehend that it was Leia Organa who had called his name. Her dark brown eyes looking deeply troubled. Ben immediately stiffened. Leia was bent over them, casting a shadow in the dim light of the main hold. He took in her appearance, noticing the faint bruise over her temple, regal clothes torn and tattered in places. Dirt and grime clung to her hands and face. She looked oddly humbled and yet somehow she’d still managed to retain her dignity in ways he couldn’t quite fathom. 

Ben could sense her uncertainty as he noticed her hand hanging between them. She couldn’t even manage to _touch_ him. She pulled her hand away, and seemed to grimace as if in physical pain. He wondered just how long she’d been standing above them just observing. “Luke woke up briefly. I couldn’t get much out of him. I think he was trying to tell me he burnt out the weapons… maybe overloaded them. I don’t know. I couldn’t make any sense out of it. Is it possible that interface did something to him?”

He could see the anxiety in her eyes. No wonder she’d been so hesitant to wake him. This wasn’t about talking to her son. This visit was prompted by concern for her brother. He hated how his heart sank in disappointment. Despite the complexities of their relationship, he longed for her forgiveness. He wondered if his father’s words to him would make any difference. Perhaps it wasn’t the right time, but would there ever be a ‘right time’ for something such as this?

Ben licked his lips and tightened his grip on Rey. His only anchor, even in her sleep. “Rey seemed to believe the weapon was made to be symbiotic. It fills dark energy into the controller, which in turn allows him to control every single weapon simultaneously. What he felt… was literally all the weapons at Snoke’s disposal. It’s possible by destroying the weapon he felt some of that damage in the connection, but we won’t know for sure until we can get him in a proper medical bay. Have you sensed anything?”

She shook her head.

“All we can do is let him rest. Chewie and Finn are taking us to General Ackbar’s vessel. They’ll be able to help him.”

Leia’s eyes drifted to his wife, and he could feel the conflict roving through her like a storm. So many questions struggling for priority. From her perspective he was a vicious killer, Han’s murderer. Yet here he sat holding onto his beloved, gently cradling her as if she were the most precious thing in the world. Indeed, Rey was precious to him. He needed her now more than ever. “Is Rey alright?”

He nodded, lips curling into an easy smile as he glanced down at her. “She’s been through a lot. She’s exhausted. I suppose we all are.”

His mother’s emotions seemed to bleed into the Force… anger, sadness, fear, guilt… and something that felt suspiciously like hope. Leia knew Rey. His mother had sent her to Luke for training. There was an odd sense of trust between them, as if Leia had instinctually known Rey’s worth to their broken family. He wondered if he ought to explain himself… explain Rey. He’d been so caught up in want to save his mother… he’d never actually considered what he’d do once she was safe. 

Ben struggled for words, but he knew none could fix what was broken between them. The hurt they’d caused each other was far too great. No apology could heal what he’d taken from her. Only now did he truly understand what it felt like to love someone. Rey was his life. She was bonded into his very soul. Despite the problems in their marriage, Ben was certain his parents had shared a deep love for one another. He’d ripped Han Solo away from her forever. He didn’t deserve her forgiveness. 

The silence had gone on too long. General Organa pulled away abruptly. She refused to meet his gaze. “I should get back.”

He watched her rush towards the door and felt his chest tighten. His family had always been so good at hiding. He felt too much and they felt too little. Or at least… that’s how it had always seemed. Ben didn’t bother to stop her. Perhaps this was for the best. How could she ever face him again… knowing what he’d done?

*******

Word of Snoke’s death spread like wildfire throughout the Resistance. Before he’d even been welcomed back onboard Ackbar’s ship they were looking upon him with new eyes. He was no longer the traitorous murderer of the heroic Han Solo, Kylo Ren. The same eyes that had narrowed when he passed by, widened in awe this time around. He was now Ben Solo, destroyer of their greatest enemy. Their approval meant nothing to him.

Finn had clasped his shoulder during the long debriefing that followed, praised his skills in the field of battle, including how he’d saved the Commander’s life. The fear in his eyes never went away, but there was a newfound respect in his voice. Not enough people had made it back to the Falcon. Good soldiers died for the sake of a distraction. Despite the victory of seeing Supreme Leader Snoke finally destroyed, Ben was left with a sour taste in his mouth in recounting his own experiences. Only Rey’s presence kept him sane as he shared the method of destroying his former Master.

The First Order had not been destroyed as planned, but the horrifying weapons that could eradicate whole systems were finally gone for good. The mysterious power source using dark energy to swallow entire stars was gone, thanks to Luke. Only Snoke seemed to have possessed knowledge on where to locate more of the dark crystals. Millions of Stormtroopers were now scrambling for purpose without a Master, and the Resistance didn’t have the resources to deal with them properly. Many had defected or taken their own lives in the chaos. Officers of the FO were taken into custody, and many more had been killed or turned on each other. The death toll was staggering.

War and destruction. Chaos and brutality. The Resistance cheered without any thought to the suffering that echoed throughout the galaxy. Ben Solo did not desire admiration for what he’d done. He felt no pride in the lives he’d taken. He knew killing Snoke was the right thing to do, but beyond that… he felt sick to his stomach. The First Order and the Resistance were more alike than they realized. Bloodthirsty men who cared more about winning than seeing the galaxy find balance.

He was so deep in thought he hadn’t noticed his Uncle was staring. Luke was looking at him much as he had when Ben was a child. So much hope in those eyes, and yet clouded with such concern for his nephew’s future. It had taken nearly two days before Skywalker awoke from his coma. His strength in the Force had been significantly affected. It would take time for him to find the balance after being exposed to so much dark energy. Ben was relieved to see his Uncle recovering, but he knew Luke would never be the same. They were all forever changed by this experience. 

“What will you do now?” Skywalker finally asked, shifting to sit up in the narrow bed. He was due to be released today. Rey had insisted he stay with Luke and keep him company. Her side of the bond seemed mysteriously closed off from him, though he was relieved to see her finally capable of leaving his side. Guilt ate at him whenever he thought about how close she’d been to madness as he’d slipped away from her in death.

Ben’s eyes lowered towards his linked hands. “I can’t be here, Uncle. I won’t be a part of this. I can’t support what I don’t believe in. I may have finally found balance, but the galaxy is more splintered than I ever was. I fear it may never heal.”

“I used to believe in good and evil… in right and wrong. Not so much anymore,” his Uncle confessed. His head immediately shot up, their gaze locked as Luke shifted in the small bed of Ackbar’s medical bay. His Uncle was jaded by the realities of war. The conflict of their galaxy seemed unending. There was a long line of power-thirsty men determined to prevent any chance for real peace. Corruption was the deadliest of viruses that no one seemed capable of curing. “You showed me the dark side, Ben… you showed me how not to be afraid. I don’t know what the future holds for this galaxy, but I think healing will take time… balance requires the efforts of much younger men. All I desire now is the balance I see in you and Rey.”

The balance. It had unleashed something inside him that he’d never expected. His connection to the Force was stronger than ever, but the power now within his reach was unimaginable. Rey felt it too… and to some extend even his Skywalker was embracing this new concept. They’d all tapped into a source beyond anything their predecessors could have foreseen. “Tython showed me a destiny beyond Snoke’s death, Uncle. We were never meant to be Jedi… nor were we meant to be gods. We are the will of the Force. I must follow it… where ever it leads. The Force is our true Master.”

Luke nodded only once. “Then I must follow you back to Tython. I’m afraid I’ve spent far too long stuck in the old ideals of the past. My true purpose eludes m…” his Uncle trailed off, his eyes now focused on something else.

Ben felt a shiver run down his spine as he turned to see Leia Organa and his beloved wife. Rey met his gaze with a reassuring smile, but when he looked at his mother he could see the doubts and fears stirring. She was like a sandstorm, hazy and unpredictable, her thoughts jumbled in a mess of conflict. Leia couldn’t possibly be ready to face him, and yet one foot followed the other as she continued down this path that led to her son. He stood to offer her his chair, but she shook her head, turning to her brother. He watched her lay a hand over Luke’s.

To his astonishment, her other hand reached out for _his_ just as Rey snuck behind him, moving the chair away from Luke’s bedside. Eventually, she tucked herself into his side. This was his family around him. All those years of loneliness and pain… and yet here they all were. Side by side. His mother’s grip tightened in his and his eyes lowered to their linked hands. “I almost lost both of my boys in this war. I’ve been talking to Rey. She told me everything that happened to you, Ben.”

He kept his eyes lowered, overwhelmed with more fear than he’d ever imagined. His eyes were already filling with tears he refused to let fall. None of this was going the way he’d expected, and Rey seemed to be the only one holding him up as his legs lost all strength. “I-I-I don’t know what to say,” he whispered, brokenly.

His mother lifted his hand, and he closed his eyes as he felt her lips kiss his palm like she used to when he was a boy. “I think I finally do,” she assured him. When he finally built up the nerve to look up, he didn’t bother to hide the tears that escaped and stained his face. Leia’s eyes roved from Luke, Rey, and lastly… Ben. “Your father would be very proud.”

The sob ripped out of him before he even knew it was coming. The shock of her words and the gentleness of her voice far too much for him to take. Not even Rey was strong enough to keep him standing as he finally collapsed to the ground. Through the bond he could feel his wife pour all the love and support she had to give, but it was his mother’s arms that eventually wrapped around him. It was his mother’s emotions that washed over him like a tidal wave and left him shaking. Her lips pressed firm into his temple as he sobbed out apology after apology, blinded by his tears.

“Shhhhh, please. We both made so many mistakes, but you’ll always be my son. Han and I knew he might not make it back, but he was determined to see you be the man we always knew you could be.”

She rocked him gently as if he were a babe… this little woman. He was massive compared to her in size, but she didn’t seem to mind. Ben tried so hard to pull himself together, but it simply couldn’t be done. Too much had happened. So much lost, but also so much gained. So many moments in which he’d been pulled apart and put back together again. All he wanted was peace, and so he eagerly wrapped his arms around her. _“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I took him away from you. I’m sorry I ever trusted in Snoke.”_ Even now his regrets were cutting into him, and he wondered if he’d ever recover from the internal bleeding. 

Darkness swirled in his gut as the events of the last few months and years obliterated his calm. He didn’t know what would become of him. He didn’t know what would become of his family. Where would the Force lead him now? He was almost too scared to find out. The will of the Force would not be denied, but his path had never been an easy one to tread, and he knew it was possible it never would be. 

“Han… the Force preserved him, Mother. I never thought it was possible, but he came back to me,” he finally confessed. He forced himself to pull away, his hands cupping her face as he held her gaze. “He loved you _so_ much.”

His mother was crying too. He’d never seen her cry before. Not for Alderaan. Not for her family… adopted or blood. Not for the Republic. He wasn’t even sure if she’d cried for Han Solo. She’d certainly never cried for _him_. Yet, in this moment he watched the tears fall, sharing in his pain like she never had before. Her forehead touched his own as tears soaked his thumb, her eyes closing as Leia took in a deep breath. “I know.”

Her response echoed in his mind as he turned to look at Rey. All he could think about was what he would do if he lost her. He wasn’t sure he could ever be as forgiving as Leia Organa. No, in fact… he _knew_ he could never let that go. Losing Rey would wreck him too deeply to comprehend. Ben pulled away from his mother just as Rey’s hands affectionately stroked his hair from behind. Her touch soothed his soul the way nothing else could.

Leia opened her eyes, watching them both. She smiled as Rey’s cheek brushed his shoulder, noticed him lean into her as he struggled to just _breathe_. Her arms wrapped around his torso and it felt like she was holding him together... determined to make sure he never splintered again. Ben knew he never would as long as Rey was by his side. 

Finally, Leia Organa’s face scrunched in pain. Her hand gripped Luke’s bed as she struggled to stand. Ben immediately helped her up, keeping her steady as she straightened, though his own legs seemed unwilling to follow. He watched from the floor as she peered down at him, and then at Luke. “My entire life I’ve been fighting for a cause,” she whispered thoughtfully. “What has it gotten me? What have I really achieved? Regrets… too many to count. I don’t have the energy to fight anymore.”

Luke’s eyes brightened, squeezing her hand demonstratively. “The Resistance won’t be too pleased to hear that,” he warned. “They’ve relied on you to get them through this war, and I know they value your input when it comes to building a seat of government in the wake of all this mess.”

Leia huffed. “I don’t give a flying bantha what they want. They’ll manage just fine without me.” With a quirk of her eyebrow she leaned closer to her twin brother, her eyes shining with just a hint of mirth. “Besides… I’m quite looking forward to being a grandmother one day. I think I might just excel at that job.”

He _really_ didn’t appreciate his wife’s easy laughter as Ben choked.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It looks like I have one more chapter to go and an Epilogue. I was hoping to finish before the movie comes out, but I don't think that'll happen. Oh well! It wasn't like I didn't realize this story was an alternate universe compared to the canon! Please let me know what you think. I really do value the comments I get for this story!


	31. “There Is A Light In Your Eyes”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a time jump in this last chapter. And the Epilogue will also have a time jump. I hope you guys enjoy the way I end this story. I thought it would be a bit unique considering what this story is about.

**“Breathe in and breathe out  
Look left, look right  
To the moon and the night  
Everything under the stars is in your arms  
Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes” – Mat Kearney ‘Breathe In Breathe Out’**

Breathe in….

_The Balance. It is in war and in peace. In life and in death. Suns and moons. Darkness and light. When one rises… the other reaches out to meet it. Life fades and decays to feed new life. It’s this new life that transfixes her. This spark deep inside. Energy and purpose swirling to create. Destiny calling to her through the Force as its will is carried out._

Breathe out…. 

_There is so much dark, leaving her belly cold as it sinks into her bones. Yet… there’s also flickers of light burning that illuminates the future with hope. This feeling, it’s so much bigger, more than she can ever imagine. The cycle continues, never ending. Sunrise and sunset. She knows her day will come. For now she must maintain the balance._

Breathe in…

_Rey is standing on a cliff watching the waves crash violently against the rocks. Ben stands beside her, hands linked together, tied to one another through the Force. She’s not sure of she’s waiting to fall or waiting to fly. Her fears churn just as viciously as the waters. Behind her are mirrors of them stretched out endlessly, as if she’s been splintered and copied over and over again… following a script laid out a millennia ago. The script that never stops, though the players may change. Life, love, balance. No matter how badly she wants to back away from the edge, she knows it will just chase her, crumble away the distance… never allow her the safety she desires. Ben’s hold on her tightens as he turns his gaze to her. “Don’t be afraid… I feel it too.”_

Breathe out…

_She is falling into the future and she can’t swim. His hand never leaves hers as they crash into the waters below. Rey expects to drown, to be sucked deep into the darkness, but he’s holding her up and keeping her from going under. The waves crash so violently, but they anticipate each one, fighting against the current with a strength that can only be from the Force. The sky goes black overhead, but the stars give her hope that not all is lost. They light her way and his. She watches as the waters calm. “Ben?” she calls out, his grip tight and solid. He pulls her close, and the stars seem to reflect and flicker in his eyes._

_His voice is soft and comforting, always what she needs. “I’m here, sweetheart… I promise.”_

Rey opened her eyes, staring off into the candle as it flickered and burned despite the wind whipping through from a nearby window. A little more than a year has passed since she met her destiny on Takodana. Almost nine months since her marriage to Ben Solo. So much had changed in that time, she could hardly keep up with this new life set before her. Idly, she stroked at her bulging belly, not quite sure what to make of her visions.

Every time she connected with the child, she sensed a will just as strong as Kylo Ren. It scared her sometimes, the numb chill up her spine, reminding her of the early days before she’d understood fate’s plans for her. When her husband drew near, it was as if the two (father and daughter) were reaching out to each other with such yearning. Ben’s hand would touch her belly, and their daughter would caress against the walls of her organic prison. As if they already understood each other in a way no one else could ever hope to comprehend. He was convinced the Force had already chosen someone to be her match.

Would she ever be able to connect with this child the way her husband did? The thought weighed heavily on her mind. She’d never really wanted to be a mother, but now that she knew she would be, nothing else seemed like it would ever be as important. Ben was so damn confident. None of the conflict she would have expected. His daughter was like _him_ , would be like him, and Ben didn’t fear it like she did… instead he embraced it. In the night they’d stay awake and he’d whisper about the future… about the good and the bad, the pain and the joy. He would finally have an apprentice, someone to guide in the ways of both darkness and light.

Where did that leave her? What role would she play in bringing up this child? Every time she reached out towards her baby all she felt was the cycle… like a repeating story meant to play out for eternity. She felt her daughter’s darkness so strongly, perhaps even stronger than Ben’s, but she couldn’t ignore the light either. It was there to give her hope, something of Rey’s that would always remain with her. She needed to understand what it all meant.

Rey’s eyes flickered up as she heard the echo of footfalls, slow and steady, coming from the grand hallway. Leia Organa wandering in the night, following the illumination of her candle, and entering the meditation room of the Je’daii temple they’d made their home. Unlike the one she and Ben had explored months before, this one was equipped with bedrooms, training rooms, a library, and much more. It was ancient, but Luke had been restoring it to its former glory. It was their hope to eventually teach again, not the ways of the Sith or the Jedi, but a balance of both. In the meantime, it was just her family that occupied this space. Sometimes it seemed far too quiet and still, making Rey feel unsettled, especially when her husband was still off-world.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Leia questioned, standing at the door. Her silky pale robe tied closed, and her hair braided down to reveal just how long it had grown. She’d been teaching Rey about her culture and the ways of Alderaan, the traditions and beliefs, desperate to keep her home alive. 

Rey lowered her gaze to her belly and swallowed thickly. She couldn’t have hidden her frustration even if she tried. “Kyla seems agitated. I was trying to connect with her, but I never seem to calm her the way Ben can.” Her failure as a mother sat uncomfortably in her gut… or perhaps that was just the baby kicking at her bladder. Either way, her eyes were already filling with tears even before Leia crossed the distance between them to settle beside her on the large mat.

An arm wrapped around Rey’s body, pulling her close, and she didn’t hesitate to bury her face in her mother-in-law’s embrace. The stinging loss of her own parents seemed so much easier to bare when she knew Leia was more than willing to be her guide. The Princess may have made quite a few mistakes with her son, but those experiences had given her so much wisdom as she looked back.

“Oh maker… I just wish he was here right now,” she murmured into Leia’s chest. Rey hated how needy she felt, but Ben had a way of instantly calming her fears. With his mind so deeply connected with hers, it was second nature to them now. 

“Luke and Ben couldn’t have stayed. You know that. Not when Annika calls out to them for help. It’s the will of the Force, and even I know you just don’t argue with that.”

The nightmares had started a month ago. Ben was dreaming about the little girl from Tatooine. Her screams had echoed so loud even Rey could hear them. It was jarring, haunting, and had left Ben conflicted and disturbed. He’d resisted the urge to take action, but Rey had seen how it weighed heavily on his heart. The child needed him. Was calling out to him through space and time… through the Force. With each night her fate became clearer. She’d been sold into slavery by her own family to cover a debt, and Ben was disgusted to think of what might be done to the poor girl.

Rey still remembered how he’d walked towards the little one, as if being pulled to her like a tractor beam. The burst of compassion had been strong as he watched her cry. Their connection so mysterious at the time… until Rey’s revelation that she was pregnant. That’s when the visions changed. Their daughter and Annika. A new generation to strike the balance in the Force. 

They would be trapped in the same cycle she and Ben had endured, though perhaps not quite so emotionally taxing. Darkness and light were pulling together, like magnets. He’d had no choice but to follow destiny even at this critical time. He was thinking only for his daughter, to protect her from the mistakes he’d made trusting Snoke. If Kyla was the darkness, it seemed Annika would be her guiding light.

In dreams she and Ben would reconnect to each other across the galaxy. It was their only means of keeping sanity as he fulfilled his mission from the Force. Reality would morph and adjust to their will. No belly to prevent them from coming together as husband and wife… though his appetite for her only seemed stronger since learning of Kyla’s existence. “I’m sorry if I kept you up.”

Leia dismissed her apology with a wave of her hand. “You shouldn’t worry so much about me. Especially with everything you’re going through. I want to help you through this, Rey. That’s my granddaughter in there. I don’t want to miss a single moment.”

Since Leia’s leaving the Resistance she’d been Rey’s biggest support. Men like Poe and Finn rose up in the ranks to lead a new generation of rebels, hunting any factions left of the First Order to see them brought to justice. The war was far from over, but Tython was safe from the worst of it. She’d worried Finn would never forgive her for walking away, but when he’d learned he was to be an uncle, he soon softened his stance on their decision. It was better this way. The Resistance covered the affairs of the galaxy, and the Skywalkers covered the affairs of the Force.

Rey sighed, finally pulling away from Leia so she could stare at the candle once more. “What did you feel… when you were in my position? When you realized you were having a son?”

Leia’s eyes seemed to darken and fade for a moment, as if reliving something that gave her so much pain. The traumas of her life on replay, always wondering what she could have done differently to prevent the chaos Snoke and Kylo Ren caused. Rey immediately regretted her question, knowing Ben’s past still ate at his mother’s soul. Forgiveness came from being a mother who loved her son, but forgetting all the lives he took (including his own father’s)… that was simply not possible.

“I was afraid… hopeful, but afraid. He was this little spark of life inside me, and I hadn’t a clue who he would become. Rey, the best and worst thing about being a mother is standing at the start of this journey and having no clue where the finish line will be.”

Rey’s hand pressed firmly against her stomach. Through the bond she could feel Ben’s comforting presence, waiting for her to come to him in dreams. Rey stretched to ease the spasming in her back. It wasn’t quite so easy to meditate while pregnant. “Do you think Ben and I will be good parents to Kyla?”

Leia smiled fondly at her question, sliding her hand over the large expanse of her belly. “Oh Rey… I believe you might just be the generation to get it right.”

*******

_His hands stroke her face with a gentleness that could make her cry. His eyes shine with wonder, as if he’s still not sure how they found each other. The quiet place meant only for them, inside their minds, it’s where they meet when life pulls them apart. Their sanctuary. Their true home will always live in each other. When he leans down to kiss her she feels weightless. The bed falls away and they float undisturbed. She is transported. Free._

_Each kiss melts into the next, and Rey knows she will never stop needing this. The force bond between them provides an intimacy so few could ever comprehend. He is all around her. Inside her. Just as she is inside of him. He sinks into her soul and makes her feel complete. There is no going back from this. If one were to die, she knows insanity would soon follow. Surviving without each other is an impossibility. It would feel like someone had sliced away half her soul._

_Ben’s body slowly shifts above her, his lips trailing down her neck, ripping and tearing at the silky material her subconscious has dreamed up. “Not much longer… I think we’ve struck a bargain that will allow Annika to go free. I’ve missed you so much,” he whispers against her skin. “I feel like half a person whenever I’m forced to leave you.”_

_Rey drags her lower lip against her teeth, arching into his kisses, needing him everywhere. The burning at her center will not be denied. She’s never been known for her patience. Her eyes flutter as his hands yank down her nightie to expose a breast. His mouth latches on, tongue teasing at her nipple, and stoking the flames that have her feeling so overheated. “Oh, Ben!” she almost wails, straining against the bed. He’s sucking hard enough to make her unravel, and she’s certain when she wakes up the inevitable bruise will still be there somehow._

_She’s longed for this all day, and now that he’s with her, she’s holding onto him with an unrelenting grip. He’s still ripping at her clothes, exposing the other breast so he might give it the same treatment. It felt like he might devour her, and she would gladly be consumed. All he’s wearing are dark slacks, his upper body bare to her heated gaze and wandering hands. Muscles ripple as her nails claw at his back, intending to cut and tear._

_A yelp escapes her as he leans back and rips her nightie down the middle. He seems as desperate for her tonight, as she is for him. She’s not wearing panties and his eyes flash with fire as her legs spread to give him a better look. Ben opens her wider, using his fingers to separate her lower lips. He dives down her body in seconds to taste._

_His tongue delves into her with such a thirst, she finds herself choking on her sobs. Her hips buck into his mouth, desperate for more, and shoves her back down on the bed. His tongue is relentless. She can’t think or breathe properly. All she can feel is the slickness of his tongue as he breaches her entrance. The tip of his nose rubbing against her clit. He revels in the mess that covers his face, her fluids gushing, and he just slurps and sucks._

_Her hands press him deeper into her sex till she’s almost certain he’s unable to breathe, but it’s just a dream world around them, and his ability to hold his breath is legendary. Rey grunts as he slips two fingers under his tongue, sliding up to suck at her clit while his fingers stretches her open, burying deep inside. She feels him curl his fingers, knowing her body almost as well as he knows himself, getting faint glimmers of her pleasure as he reaches for that textured place inside. Rey cries out for more. He likes to hear her beg._

_It’s always like this when they’re physically apart. Their lust for each other overwhelming and wild. Mindless in embracing their passion for each other that’s only grown over the months since promising themselves to each other. His tongue swirls around her clit, till her internal muscles clamp on his fingers and she’s making noises she wouldn’t dare speak about when she wakes up. The stars seem to pulse outside the window, matching her rapid heartbeat. They are one with the galaxy that binds them together in this way._

_He turns his head to sink his teeth into her inner thigh, and her jaw drops as pleasure and pain collide, prolonging her already powerful orgasm. Rey tugs at his hair until he willing climbs up her body, and she rolls them both over so he’s underneath her. She kisses him hard just to taste herself, feels her slick stain her cheek and nose. The smell of her own arousal has her feeling dizzy. She wonders if it has the same effect on him._

_She’s kissing and nipping down his body, paying special attention to his nipples. Her tongue traces the long scar she once gave him, its raised edges marking this man as hers. Ben swallows hard, giving up the control, hands holding onto the sheets for dear life. He tastes of sweat and something uniquely him, and she finds it all so intoxicating even now. His abs tighten as he sucks in a breath, and she lets her nails drag against the scars. Rey pulls of his pants quickly, licking her lips as his manhood is finally revealed to her. It’s been quite a while since she’s been able to give in to his taste._

_Rey grips the base of his penis, which was resting patiently against his stomach, flicking her tongue along the slit so she might clean away the leaking drips of pre-cum. His hips lift from the bed, but she pulls back just to hear him whimper. She knows what he wants. He’s panting so hard, eyes readily watching her, silently begging Rey to end his suffering. Her hand pumps him slow, but with a firm grip. She avoids his cock entirely and kisses his stomach… his hip, his inner thighs. She makes her way back up to suck at his scrotum, opening her mouth wide to fit as much as she can. Rey can feel his mind light up, lost in this overpowering pleasure._

_Ben groans low, sounding so broken, and she can feel him shudder underneath her. She sucks and licks at his testicles, enjoying the way his hips rocked against her. Eventually, she pulls away, her tongue traveling up the large vein towards the head of his cock. Rey swallows him down without warning, till the head touches the back of her throat. After nearly a year of marriage she’s learned what drives him wild. “Rey!” he shouts, lost and overcome by her eagerly sucking at his penis. They’re free to be as filthy and needy as they want in this fantasy created by the force bond. All the impossible things she might struggle with become so much simpler. Darkness and light swirl around them, passion and peace, the intensity is enough to drive them mad._

_Rey continues to tease her husband as she lets him rock into her mouth. Despite everything, he’s still so gentle about this. He refuses to thrust too fast or too deep. His eyes shine with devotion as he thrusts in and out of her mouth so gently. She follows his movements, her tongue curling around the head of his cock, encouraging him to give up on his control. She feels his hand move to the back of her head, holding onto her hair as he whines her name. There’s something incredibly empowering about how forgets himself, wrapped up in sensation, trusting his body and his pleasure to **her**._

_She lifts her head when he stops moving, hips dropping back to the bed. A small string of spittle and pre-cum dripping from her mouth. Ben pulls her up for a kiss, the saltiness of his fluids mixing with her own wetness from moments ago. Rey’s so busy getting lost in this kiss, she’s caught off guard when his cock presses into her entrance. His hip snaps up, and he’s sheathed inside her fully, her muscles forced to adjust quickly as he gives her no time to adapt._

_Ben rolls her over and pumps so hard and deep inside her. Every retreat is torture, and when he returns she feels whole. Rey breaks their kiss to breathe, turning her head and closing her eyes, reveling in how this primal thing between them sends her to the edge at lightspeed. He’s driving inside her with abandon, merging their bodies and souls, promising her the stars for all the days he’s allowed breath. His hips jerk almost randomly as they reach a high that steals the breath from their lungs._

_Her husband. The father of her child. Even when they’re apart they are never alone. This is where he belongs, where she belongs, and all her fears for their future melt away. Rey almost seems to go blind as yet another orgasm rips through her, even more powerful than before. She screams his name as he’s pulled over the edge with her. Rey arches into him as he empties himself deep inside her warmth._

_Ben collapses onto her, panting and shivering, tucking his face into her neck. “I’m coming home, Rey… to you and Kyla. I promise.” She knows he fears he might be like his father one day. Absent from his family, always forcing the ones he loves to watch him leave._

_“I know,” she assures him with a smile, wrapping her arms around him, refusing to let go. “I don’t mind waiting for you.” There’s no need to mark the days, because through the bond he’s never really gone._

_“I love you both.” Her heart falters at the yearning in his voice. “So much.”_

_Ben carefully pulls out of her and settles back by her side. The pain in her back seems to intensify, and Rey frowns at the strange sensation. It feels as if something is happening in the waking world, significant, and her eyes widen as the bed suddenly feels wet. “Ben?”_

_Ben gasps and sits up as he feels it to. “Rey… you need to fetch my mother! I think it might be time!”_

*******

She can’t do this. She can’t do this. She can’t do this.

The pain was far too great. There was no doctor on this empty world, and even if there was there’s little he could do. Rey bears down hard as another contraction ripped through her, hunched over while Leia tried to keep her calm. The panic of waking up to a soaked bed had been enough to set her heart pounding. This pain tearing through her had her sobbing and wailing as never before. It was agony, and Ben wasn’t _here_. She couldn’t do this on her own.

“You’re doing fine, Rey! Just stay with me! Trust me, I know what you’re going through!” Leia told her, coaching her through this delivery. Rey trembled and cried, desperate for it to be over, so exhausted already from nearly an hour of pushing.

_“I’m here, Rey. I’m always here! I feel your pain! You’re not alone!”_

Rey reached out to him through space and time, grasping at his hand as their minds merged to share this experience. Kyla was coming… their daughter was coming. She’d never been so scared in her life. His arms wrapped around her, a ghost of a kiss against her temple. More contractions hit and her eyes squeezed shut. “Ben!” she wept as her distress increased. Another cry joined hers, the cry of an infant with the heart of Kylo Ren. Rey watched Leia’s smile bloom, lighting up her face. “Oh Ben!”

_“I’m here, sweetheart. Breathe… just breathe.”_

**To Be Continued In the Epilogue**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think. The Epilogue is next and then this story is FINALLY finished!


	32. Epilogue “Feels Like I’m Really Living Now”

**“Can I ever be too far gone  
For you to save me, save me  
How couldn't you see that I was crazy?  
Can we start from the beginning now?  
It feels like I'm really living now – Sir Sly “Too Far Gone”**

It was soon after leaving the Resistance that his worst fears were realized, and Ben learned he would soon become a father. The very man who killed his own and splintered to pieces because of it. Each shard of glass that made up his soul still cut deep despite being repaired and glued together. There would always be pieces missing, parts of himself too broken to fix.

Rey, his love, she was just as afraid as he was. Her soul was broken in other ways, shattered by a tragic history of loss, and years of time wasted in the Jakku desert. Ben knew he had to be strong for her. He knew he had to be her savior just as she’d always been his. The Force gave him what he needed to face the future. The darkness in Kyla would not be twisted and corrupted like his was. Ben Solo would protect her the way his parents never protected _him_.

Being sent away to Tatooine had not been a choice he made easily. He wanted to be by Rey’s side when the moment finally came. The future took priority to the present, and his desires meant very little to destiny. When Kyla finally greeted the galaxy, her father would ensure she did so with hope. Annika would guide her, be the balance, and keep her heart safe… even if only from herself. Oh how Ben wished _he’d_ had Rey when Snoke reached through space to twist his soul. Perhaps it all would have been so different.

Through the bond he felt the agony of childbirth, collapsing in his Uncle’s arms as pain swept through him like electricity lighting every nerve on fire. He endured all of it, clung to her, if only just to see through her eyes. _“I’m here, Rey. I’m always here! I feel your pain! You’re not alone!”_

_“And to my dear sweet daughter… neither are you.”_

Rey’s pangs passed away quickly as she cried out his name. _“I’m here, sweetheart. Breathe… just breathe.”_ Ben gasped, overwhelmed by her relief. Kyla’s cry filled up his head and brought him to tears. The sound of her voice like cool waters to relieve the burns of his past. This was his purpose now. His reason for living. His heart and soul’s wailing echoed as his mother handed the baby to Rey.

“Ben?” his Uncle finally spoke, pulling him from the vision of his family, and when he blinked he could see Annika standing off to the side peaking from the cockpit.

Ben swallowed thickly, the strength of his emotions making it difficult to speak. Tython was waiting. His family was waiting. His future. His life. None of it deserved. If Han Solo’s death was the thing that made him splinter, it was Kyla Solo’s birth that _truly_ made him feel whole.

His eyes drifted closed as he enveloped Rey through the bond, reaching out through the distance to caress his daughter’s face. He couldn’t be more proud when he turned to face Luke Skywalker, and sharing the news that’d sent him to his knees. “I’ve become a father,” he whispered in awe.

Annika’s mouth widened into an excited smile, running towards him now that she was certain he was well. She held out the rock from Ahch-To, shoving it in the palm of his hand. “I think you need this now much more than I do,” she giggled. Luke’s hold on Ben tightened as his Uncle laughed along with her.

_“Ben?”_ Rey’s voice seeped into his mind. _“She’s so beautiful… she’s calling to you.”_

Ben clutched his chest, heart aching with the need to be back where he belonged. The weight of the rock in his hand keeping him from drifting. Through the eyes of his wife, he pictured Kyla’s face. It would all be so different now. He knew what he had to do, and there was no doubt he had the strength. _“I’m here, Sweetheart….”_

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this story. Thanks for sticking with me till the end.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll update this on Mondays, and possibly Thursdays if I'm confident the chapter works. I just want to make sure the quality remains the same. I really hope you guys enjoy it. Please comment and let me know what you think if you have the time.


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